Told i'm not agressive enough

[dreamweaverdude]

SO ok...... i'm been told i'm not aggressive in starting a relationship, that i need to be more forward. This coming from someone i've gone out with a couple of times and chatted with today and that has moved on to someone else. Was told you dind't try hard enough. Personally i never knew she was that interested......

 

She told me i wasn't aggressive enough..... so my question is.....

 

How do you know..... where the line is in being aggressive in establishing a relationship to show you want it to happen, and looking like a fool for pushing something you arnt sure she is even interested in developing? I mean if you think she's not interested and you are 'aggressive' it gives the appearance of being desperate does it not? Guess I'm confused and maybe even niave who knows.....

 

Ladies help me out here.

[DN]

I think what she said was nonsense. If she was interested almost any amount of interest you showed in her would have been enough. I think that is her way of blaming you so her conscience can be clear.

 

How can you quantify aggressiveness in pursuing a relationship anyway?

[LIFE]

Her opinion is worthless. Pure nonsense. You should have told her that

[dreamweaverdude]

Thanks for the feedback, after having been married 21 years and now back into the dating scene, I feel lost...... hell i never was good at it before i got married and feel totally out of it now......

[evy38]

Women are not mind readers and they DO NOT think like men. What you might have taken for granted, that she knew, she actually may not have known. And, of course her opinion matters, if it matters to you. If you care for her then of course it matters. A women will only wait so long or give so much. If she doesn't feel it being returned, and has any strength at all, she will move on to someone who does show her that feeling. Let this be a wake up call. Sometimes it's important to take a chance in life. It may be the only way you get the good things, in life, you deserve. You must find the courage to speak out your feelings.

[melrich]

Maybe aggressive is the wrong word. I do think people (men or women) prefer other people to be decisive. That doesn't mean hassling someone for a relationship just being clear and committed about your intent.

[DN]

I based my response on "didn't try hard enough'. The key word is 'enough'. That seems to me to mean that he did try so his intentions must have been fairly clear, it was just that she wanted to play hard to get and was annoyed that he didn't play that particular game.

 

So, if I were able to ask her anything, my question would be: "How hard did you try?" Because it would seem that she didn't and expected him to make all the running.

[dreamweaverdude]

DN i tend to agree, she made it hard to read her.... i did try but when you dont get clear signals back I was confused as to what to do next.... no big deal just trying to get my feet grounded again in the 'rules' of dating. LOL.

[melrich]

That seems to me to mean that he did try so his intentions must have been fairly clear, it was just that she wanted to play hard to get and was annoyed that he didn't play that particular game.

 

Yeah that may be the case here. If so dreamweaverdude, don't take it as evidence that you are out of practice in the dating game, just that it's sometimes a difficult game to play. We are not mindreaders.

[DN]

I agree with melrich. I firmly believe there are no clear rules for dating. Other than common sense things like 'don't pick your nose' or 'don't spend the entire date talking on a cell-phone'.

 

Remember that everyone reacts differently and everyone has their own agenda or aspirations at different times. What works one time will not work another time - sometimes with the same person.

 

I think the best advice is relax, date to enjoy yourself, try to ensure the other person's enjoyment, and see how things develop. Let the idea of a 'relationship' come up in it's own time.

[chai714]

Dreamweaver,

 

My guess is that she meant that you didn't bust a move on her (such as a kiss) and waited too long or didn't try at all.

 

This can be remedied by learning how to read body language. You will find it very useful especially when you're with women or out on the dating scene. There are a couple of decent books out there too. I also recommend doing some people watching to learn how it all works. I recently read that up to 93% of communication is done nonverbally meaning that we communicate a huge part by using our body language.

[ShySoul]

Having recently dealt with a girl who said something similar to me, I know how you feel

 

First thing, how aggressive or patient was she? Did she say what she wanted straight out? Or did she send mixed signals? In my case, she would say she liked me and it would at times feel like she wanted more. But at other times when I would try to "make a move" it felt like she was backing off. She also knew I was shy and it wasn't easy on me, so she could have been more supportive. Does your girl sound like this?

 

Everyone goes at there own pace. You shouldn't be expected to go faster then you are comfortable with. If she doesn't understand that, then she isn't right for you.

[Mun]

Umm... I never had this problem with you. You sure as hell weren't passive with me--you kept touching me. I think I always knew exactly how interested you were. So, I have to think that it was just an excuse as to why she chose someone else.

.........Unless you really didn't like her that much and that's the reason you didn't persue her that much...so what's the story?

[dreamweaverdude]

Mun,

 

As always you know me better than anyone.... I did try to stay in contact with her, but i didn't push it, or go out of my way to show her i cared. Probably my inhibitions of rejections maybe.... or maybe you are right in that deep inside i just wasn't that interested in her.

 

And no... if i care for someone.. i'm not passive .. YOU should know.

[Mun]

I know... I know... and I have proof Why didn't you show this lady that kind of interest? Maybe you didn't have it in you...

 

By the way... did you ask her or did she just volunteer this information? If it came from her then maybe she felt bad that you hadn't shown much interest and wanted to make you feel bad too....not nice

[dreamweaverdude]

Not sure Mun...

 

Maybe i didn't see the interest in her eyes either and felt it was a wasted effort totry. Who knows.... i think it is time for me to explore other options than her anyway.