Are relationships obsolete?

[tiki]

I never would have said goodbye if he hadn't left and stopped loving me. Even though I was unhappy, I was willing to stick it out and try. Isn't that what you're supposed to do--You pick one person and make it work? It just seems like relationships and marriages are obsolete. No one stays together long enough to surpass the bad times anymore. But then again, is it really logical to expect people to love each other for the rest of their lives? People change—everyone knows that. Are we just growing out of each other?

 

I'm tired of hearing about break ups and heart breaks. All I hear are stories about relationships gone bad. In fact, a speaker came in my class last semester and tried to discourage us from marrying. She said it's all bu115hit and statistics show that it doesn't work. We're so accustomed to "bitter goodbyes" that happy endings in movies makes us cringe and say "that's not reality."

 

But some people must be happy…they have to be…..otherwise that leaves no hope for the rest of us.

 

"The heart is like a tree. Hope falls like leaves until there's nothing left"

[Gunther]

Dear boy, a good relationship is indeed hard to come by, but by God it is possible. My aunt and uncle have been married for almost twenty years, I would call that a successfull marriage wouldn't you? My great aunt and uncle were married for more than thirty years, until her husband passed God rest his soul. She is now remarried yes, but they will be together until one dies as well.

 

The guest speaker discouraging people from getting married was wrong to tell you that, you simply must be smart enough to know when the right time is. Many people do not realize the compexity of marriage, others never will. Speaking strictly out of my a_ _, I think that to have a successfull marriage you must be willing to compramise and share. I see it on T.V. too, {divorce court, ect}and yes it's discouraging, but if you manage to find that speacial man or woman {depending on your gender} then it is truly a great thing to have.

 

In a marriage what people dont realize is that there WILL be fights and arguments. But you have to work through them. The only other thing is you have to respect them as well, a marriage without respect for one another is bound to fail even if one party has it, if the other doesn't it can't work.

 

Well I hope this has helped you at least a little.

[lost_status]

Gunther, i wish what you were saying was true, but I dont think many people believe in love anymore, they have been through too much heartache and have given up.

 

I have always searched for love, but never found it, i dont think i ever will

[registered]

Well I wouldn't concern myself with statistics lol, they are no indication of how I choose to live my own life.

What other people say is mere opinion, nothing more. It is based on their experiences.

 

But some people must be happy…they have to be…..otherwise that leaves no hope for the rest of us.

A lot of people are happy, for every marriage that fails there is one that survives.

 

Why care what other people tell you to do in life or what they say about your chances and whether or not you should hope?

Hope for whatever you want. Do whatever you want.

 

You may never find love but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, nor does it mean it's obselete.

If you take risks and make an effort at least you will have tried.

 

You can't expect to find love, but that can't stop you from hoping for it, nor does it mean it doesn't exist.

 

There is a lot of things that are out of our hands - such as the ultimate actions of other people.

But there is a lot that is in our hands - such as any aspect of a relationship the you have a chance to change.

 

Finding love is not about statistics, nor is making a marriage last IMO.

 

She said it's all bu115hit and statistics show that it doesn't work.

She sounds like a bitter women who I certainly wouldn't be interesting in knowing lol...maybe if she had a positive attitude someone would like her and her point of view would be different...

[shes2smart]

If relationships were really obsolete, then the desire to have 'em would die out, too. Far as I can tell, for most people, that desire hasn't really waned. If it had, there'd be no need for a place like this.

 

Many problems people have in relationships can be traced back to some poor choices made by one or both parties. Make better choices, and you have a better chance of having a good relationship.

 

How many people do you know that ignored red flags (like alcoholism, drug abuse, violence, abusiveness) and hoped s/he would change? How many people do you know who buy into the myth that opposites attract? You may be attracted to an opposite, but you're more likely to have compatibility over the long haul with someone you have more in common with than someone you have less in common with. How many people have you seen get into a relationship when their partner has a different goal? One is looking for marriage, one's on the rebound or some other mismatched set of expectations.

 

Yet people go into these types of situations, then are surprised when they don't work out. You may not be able to control who you are attracted to, but you sure can control who you decide to become intimate with, and who you decide to build a relationship with. Sometimes the best & healthiest choice for us is not the easy or fun choice.

 

A good relationship is hard work. Even if both parties put forth their best efforts, there are a number of outside events life can throw at you that you will never be able to control. If people made more of an effort to control the things that they CAN control (like making sure they have their own issues sorted out and dealt with), and exercised a little more logical, rational thought in this area of their lives (rather than running on something as flimsy and changeable as emotions), then they might have a better shot at getting into a healthy, lasting relationship.

[chai714]

Most people want to love and to be loved.

 

So long as this principle of human nature stands, people will be seeking love from other people.

 

Love will never be obsolete.

[Juha]

I don't think it is so much that relationships are obsolete...

 

It is more that people want things to come easy and believe that if there are difficult times or someone is having a difficult time then it is too much work for them and they take off...

 

I just think alot of people are looking for something that does not exist...

 

They have an ideal of how things should be, however what they think most of the time is more along the lines of a soap opera or fantasy..

 

When things don't go along this route they flee...

 

I have been with one person that I truly loved unconditionally and don't think I will find another...If you find one you are very lucky..

 

People just settle for someone now, every so often you see two people who truly love each other but not very often...

[tiki]

thanks for the comments.

I am aware that a relationship takes a lot of effort...and I am willing to make that effort...

 

the problem is, it doesnt seem like many people are willing anymore.

[OceanEyes]

The problem, I think, is that a lot of people settle for something that is just 'comfortable', or in some cases, just to have someone in their life. Someone to do things with, talk to, be intimate with. When you really examine your past failed relationships, and see the pattern of decision-making, it's easy to see why things didn't work out. But do we change these patterns? Sometimes. And sometimes, people make a lifetime out of very bad decisions and blame them on everyone else.

 

My parents have been together for almost 30 years. Are they happy? Who knows. All I know, is that despite their rough times and seeming to not really like each other for many years now, they live to take care of each other. When my mother got cancer this year, my father never left her side, and watches over her so closely that she has to tell him to get lost. Isn't that love? If it's not, I don't think I understand what love really is.

 

It takes time and patience to find the right relationship. Some people don't find real, compatible love until they're senior citizens. The problem with bad, unsatisfying relationships, is that we don't pay attention to warning signs that are actually instinctive ways that our brains let us know when something just isn't right. We stick around for too long, sometimes years, hoping for good changes, only to be disappointed. The longer you ignore the signs, the harder you fall when you finally get a clue. I think we've all been guilty of this at some point in our lives.

 

Some people are so hungry for love, that they accept it when it's seriously flawed, and just hope for better days. I personally feel that humans need to evolve from this notion and develop more finely-tuned devices for finding compatible partners. Love is NOT magic, nor is it unattainable. However, if you go into a relationship with bitterness in your heart, or a pre-conceived vision of how it will fail you, what can you really expect? Everyone gets their heart broken.

[PocoDiablo]

The speaker who told you that clearly is in no position to give good advice. Just because they have failed at relationships doesn't mean everyone has.

 

In my opinion, relationships do take work, but not the kind of work I used to think. I used to think you had to have deep conversations and heart to hearts all the time, and there was lots of crying and problems.

 

Not so.

 

The only kind of work I've found in a good relationship is deciding if you want sushi or steak, if you're going to go out and play pool or just get drunk ... on a Wednesday night, and realizing that you've been fooling around for so long that you're only going to get 3 hours of sleep before going to work.

 

I think the biggest single mistake people make is that the get into a relationship with someone with whom they are "comfortable" and not with someone who is perfect and with whom they have great chemistry. People seem to jump into the first relationship that comes along and then try desperately to hold on. Few people seem to go on a date and realize it's so you can decide NOT to see the person again. So few people actually turn someone down it amazes me. Of course, I used to do that as well, so no big surprise.

[OceanEyes]

Well-said Poco. The only thing I really do know, is that when you find a person who really does compliment you in every way, you just KNOW IT. You KNOW. There are not many questions about "does this person really love me" or "where is this going". I didn't realize this until my current relationship. I can't say that it's going to last forever. All I know is that this man makes me feel completely different than any men before him, and although our interests are sometimes very different, our core values and beliefs in life are identical. We just *fit* in every way that really matters.

[PocoDiablo]

I call that "Chemistry." Either you've got it, or not.

[tiki]

yes, but "chemistry" isn't enough to solve every problem.

[PocoDiablo]

Nope. That's what your brain is for. But it sure makes it easier if you both get along really well.

[novaseeker]

Chemistry is great, and I agree that it's important to choose a mate very, very carefully and not just the "comfortable" person ... but in my opinion it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work over the long term. It's work ... hopefully a labor of love, because that's the point, but labor in any case. Over the course of 10, 20, 30 years, you will need to work to reconnect, to stay connected as you each develop and change over the years, to continue to nourish the relationship. And there will be bad times, there always are. But what it takes is commitment to making it work, even if there is chemistry and compatibility, you will need that commitment to work at some point.

 

The issue I have with telling people that it isn't work, really, if it's the right person is that this encourages people to ditch good relationships (marriages, say) down the road that come upon hard times and require some work .. because it must just not be the right person. I think this attitude, among others, contributes to the relative ease with which people uncommit (even in marriages). I think we should have the expectation that the relationship will require work, care and feeding and the like over the years in order to be maintained, because I think this is more realistic and encourages people to work through difficulties rather than cut and run when there is quite a bit of relationship work to do.