cant stop thinking of him!

[bcauseofu]

I know my situation is so similar to many i have read here. But after a looong time, I cannot stop thinking of my ex. I get that feeling like, are we soulmates? But the tricky part is, that the reason we broke up is because other people started spreading lies, people that are close to him, and making things up that were not true. From his perspective he chose to believe these people and not fully get to know my side of things. See, we were not together long, but its still taking me so long to get over him. We'll I'm ashamed to admit, I have also been spying on him, and I think he may have found someone else. This is driving me nuts. I feel like he didnt get to see the real side of me, and our relationship, and like maybe we are supposed to be together, but these lies and rumors broke us up. Then again, I feel if he would have wanted to, he could have tried to make it work. How can I get over this?

[Relationship Coach]

It sounds like you are longing for "what might have been" rather than what you had. You summed it up yourself, "Then again, I feel if he would have wanted to, he could have tried to make it work." Sometimes it's just easy to let go when then the liabilities out weigh the assets. It's very unfortunate that he believed his friends over you but honestly, why would you want him if he doesn't want you? Stop the stalking or he will think you are a liar and a stalker!

[michelemybell]

Hi bcauseofu,

I'm sorry about your breakup. It's gonna hurt for awhile. There's no magical cure for that. But despite the hurt, you have to let it go and concentrate on yourself right now. You need to restrain yourself from spying on him. Distract yourself when you feel tempted. I went through the same thing myself, and did the same thing myself. You just have to do some soul-searching and realize your own self worth. If someone doesnt want to be with you, realize it is his loss! And he sounds very immature to believe his friends like that. A mature guy doesnt do that. The best advice I can give you from experience is to do things that will restore your sense of self worth, such as go back to school or work on some kind of project that will give you a sense of accomplishment even while you are hurting. It will also make you realize that you are more important to yourself than this guy--It will put things into perspective. Take care!

[Dregnought]

Listen to Mitch, hes hit the nail on the head. Plus, would you really want someone who beleaves his friends more then his gf?

[Relationship Coach]

We seemed to have a difference of opinion on several things which is fine but let's remember why we are here. Everyone is going to have their own suggestions, advice and interpretations of posts. Having a plethora of diversified posts may help more than anyone particular post. With that being said, I stand soundly behind my post. I do not loosely throw words about that are not supported nor am I here to defend myself against those with different opinions than mine. In this instance I will answer to your rebuttal because I think it may benefit others as well as the original poster.

 

 

We'll I'm ashamed to admit, I have also been spying on him, and I think he may have found someone else.

 

In a manual used in F.B.I. training for studying criminal behaviors and potential indicators for profiling, I base my comments on this:

 

 

Types of Stalkers

 

Simple Obsessional

A prior relationship exists between the victim and the stalker which includes the following

Acquaintance, neighbor, customer, professional relationship, dating, and lover

The stalking behavior begins after either

The relationship has gone “sour”, or

The offending individual perceives some mistreatment

The stalker begins a campaign either to rectify the schism, or to seek some type of retribution. Gathering information on the subject and subjects dating interests, whether by physical observation or by unobtrusive observance.

 

Erotomania

Based on the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, 4th ed.

The central theme of the delusion is that another person is in love with the individual

The delusion often concerns idealized romantic love and spiritual union rather than sexual attraction — “a perfect match”

The object of affection is usually of a higher status and can be a complete stranger

Efforts to contact the victim are common, but the stalker may keep the delusion a secret

Males, seen most often in forensic samples, come into contact with the law during misguided pursuits to “rescue” the individual from some imagined danger. Females are seen most often in clinical samples

 

Love Obsessional

Similar to the erotomanic individuals

The victim is almost always known through the media.

The delusion that the victim loves them may also be held

The erotomanic delusion is but one of several delusions and psychiatric symptoms — this individual has a primary psychiatric diagnosis

These individuals may be obsessed in their love, without having the belief that the target is in love with them

A campaign is begun to make his/her existence known to the victim

 

Current Definitions A more recent categorization has been developed by Mullen and colleagues.

Mullen et al. delineated five categories of stalkers based on motivations and context: rejected, intimacy seekers, incompetent, resentful, and predatory.

 

The Rejected

* As a result of a relationship dissolution (i.e. estrangement, disruptions, break-ups) from an ex-partner (but inclusive of a parent, friend, or work associate) this type of stalker can be observed desiring a mixture of reconciliation and revenge.

* This individual often experiences feelings of loss, frustration, anger, jealousy, malevolence, and depression. Often these individuals gather information on routines, family members and romantic interests which they have felt replaced them.

* The Simple Obsessional subtype given above closely approximates this type of stalker.

 

The Intimacy Seeker

* These stalkers pursue an intimate relationship with an individual perceived as their true love, but their attentions are not wanted by the object of their affection.

* The type of stalkers who fall into this category often have a delusional disorder (i.e. erotomania). Those who represent "intimacy seekers" may suffer from other disorders (i.e. schizophrenia, mania) or hold morbid infatuations.

* Erotomania and Love Obsessional best represent this category.

 

The Incompetent

* These intellectually limited and socially incompetent individuals desire intimacy, but the object of their affection does not reciprocate these feelings.

* They often lack sufficient skills in courting rituals.

* They may also display a sense of entitlement: believing they deserve a partner, but lack the ability or desire to engage in subdued, preliminary interpersonal relations.

* Another aspect of these stalkers is that they may have had previous stalking victims.

* Unlike the intimacy seekers, those in the incompetent category do not view the victim as having unique qualities; they are not infatuated with the victim -- only attracted, and do not assert that the affection is mutual.

 

The Resentful

* The goal of this stalker is to frighten and distress the victim.

* These stalkers may also experience feelings of injustice and desire revenge.

 

The Predatory

* The power and control that comes from stalking a victim gives these stalkers a great deal of enjoyment.

* The stalker often strives to learn more about the victim.

* The stalker may even mentally rehearse a plan to attack the victim.

* Most of these stalkers are diagnosed paraphilias and, compared to the previous four categories, they were more likely to have histories of sexual offense convictions.

 

Other definitions are as follows

False Victimization Syndrome

This occurs when an individual attempts to convince others that he or she is being stalked through the invention of claims made to re-establish a failing relationship and/or gain attention.

Individuals who exhibit these characteristics may also fit the criteria for histrionic personality disorder: demanding to be the center of attention, shallow expression of emotions which shift rapidly, and speaks in a manner that is overly impressionistic and lacking in detail.

* This is not to be confused with situations where a stalker claims to be a victim of stalking. Oddly, sometimes a stalker will feel victimized by the person he or she is stalking. This is referred to as projective identification. In other words, the stalker's rage at being rejected (and other unconsciously disowned stalking-related attributes) is "projected" or "put" into the true victim, so that the true victim is now perceived by the stalker to have this rage (attributes/behaviors) and directing it back, hence stalking the stalker.

* A notable problem with the False Victimization Syndrome (FVS) is that it wastes valuable resources. More importantly, FVS is rare and the few cases that do occur should not undermine the reporting and investigation of legitimate stalking cases.

* A conceptual model that categorizes false allegations was developed by. Three types of false victimization syndromes are delineated.

1. a. Hysterical paralysis: An example of this would be converting a psychological distress into physiological problems. There are often secondary gains to having a paralyzed limb, such as not having to participate in a stressful or frightening event.

b. Munchausen: An individual intentionally creates or feigns physical or psychological symptoms in order to assume the sick role.

c. Munchausen by proxy: The intentionally produced or feigned physical or psychological symptoms in another person, such as a child, under one's care and indirectly assuming the sick role.

2. Known perpetrator:

a. Single event

b. Multiple event (stalking):

3. Unknown perpetrator:

a. Single event:

b. Multiple event (stalking)

The last two categories are similar, save the obvious difference that one involves claiming to have known the perpetrator and the other involves stating that the perpetrator is unknown. Also, these last two types entail more complex motivations and sophistication of procedures by the false victim than the other types (1a, 1b, and 1c).

The characteristics that classify FVS type 2 and 3 similarly are

* multiple situations over time when the victim has been alone with no witnesses and is approached by the suspect;

* major incidents begin as noncriminal contact, but then advance quickly to criminal contact;

* the victim reports these criminal contacts based on what has been learned from the media or someone known to the false victim who has reported these occurrences;

* and claiming to have received injuries, letters, phone calls, threats, followed, or chased.

[michelemybell]

Did the original poster say that she is seeking information to get revenge or somehow harass her ex is any way? If she is just seeking information out of curiosity sake, in my opinion she is not a stalker and shouldn't be labeled as one. If she is, then we are all guilty of stalking since most people seek information about an ex after a breakup. In my case, my ex and I both asked friends about each other after we broke up. We're we stalking each other?? Since we were not using the information to harm each other or each others new love interests, then I dont think so. Finding out information about another person is not even illegal. The only real damage I see by finding information about another person is that it keeps you stuck and unable to move on. Then again, in my situation it eventually helped me move on. Finding out that the other person has moved on with another love interest can be a wake up call to move on with your own life!!!

Also, let's try not to hijack this thread with a debate about what constitutes stalking!!!

[vandgsmom]

Suggestion: Read the book "Don't Call That Man!"... it deals with the whole emotioal need of women to obsess after a break-up and how it is totally normal....

[Danny H]

Suggestion: Read the book "Don't Call That Man!"... it deals with the whole emotioal need of women to obsess after a break-up and how it is totally normal....

 

 

I would think this occurs with men as well- in Fact It must be type of person rather than a gender thing maybe?

[Dregnought]

Of course it occurs with men. But women and men view things differently, act differently, because basicaly of different hormones i guess.

[Relationship Coach]

Seeking and spying are two different things.

 

We'll I'm ashamed to admit, I have also been spying on him, and I think he may have found someone else.