Why does she keep coming back?

[Idelion]

She left me back in April, we stopped talking during July and had no comunication whatsoever until October. In October she added me again in her contact list, we began to talk normally, and knowing she had a new boyfriend I kept my distance and chose my words and topics carefully. During a normal conversation she tells me that she misses me and that she's with somebody at the moment and doesn't know what to do, I told her she's the one that got herself into that hole. So to make the whole October story short, she left him (telling him they aren't compatible) and we began talking again and started planning on getting back together. Suddenly she went back with him, out of the blue, since I wasn't gonna let her hurt me again I stopped her little game and ended all comunication.

 

In part I WAS hurt, I still loved her, just couldn't believe she would do that to me. Now on the 21 of December she called me saying just to know how I was doing and chat for a while, I was, of course, very surprised of her calling me out of the blue, we talked, and like always, we laughed and had a good time while talking, we didn't didn't talk about our personal lives at all, and at the end of the call she tells me she loves me a lot, I said I love you too (since if I didn't I would've been lying to myself). I called her 3 days later, I really wanted to talk to her, I really like that, we talked and wished her merry xmas and a happy new years, she said it doesn't bother her me calling. Oh BTW, she's still with the same guy.

 

Well, I'm really confused since she comes back like nothing happened, it doesn't bother me, but deep down, I know I still feel for her. What should I do?

[shorty20]

it sounds like this girl is really wishy-washy with her feelings. She wants you, she dosen't want you... then she wants you again. Could she possibly be trying to keep you around as a "back-up" in case this guy dosen't work out? What exactly is sooo amazing about this girl? I would really think hard about her intentions before ever thinking about getting back with her. She seems a little fickle and a little immature to me, but only you know what you need or want. good luck.

[Tigris]

It sounds to me as though she doesn't know what she wants! I hope you meet someone soon who'll treat you better.

[Relationship Coach]

Why does she keep coming back?

 

Because you keep leaving the door open!

 

How can you heel and move on when you allow her to pop in and out of your life. The question is why do you leave the door open? Do you want her back at the risk of getting hurt again and again. You need to make up your mind, get over her with NC and move forward in your life or keep sweeping the dirt and leaves off of the welcome mat outside your door and wait for her.

 

If she really loved you and wanted a relationship with you she would be with you. How about her current BF, how does he feel about the two of you talking, she says it's OK but does he? Does the BF know she tells you how much she misses you and loves you? This girl has serious commitment issues and has no concepts of the shades and colors of green, as in grass.

[kellbell]

As Relationship Couch pointed out, she keeps coming back because you leave the door open. Close it. You are your own worst enemy in this situation, you are buying to more pain than you really need. Of course you love her, that is to be expected but love yourself too to do what is right for you and her. NC all the way here, no contact, no texting, IMing, chatting, etc. She keeps you as a backup. I know it is going to be painful but you are very young, there are plenty of other women out there who would love to be with you and only you. Trust me on this. Take care and good luck with everything.

[liasonred]

Hi, i'm kinda going through the same thing. How do you really close the door??? I've changed mobile number and blocked her email address at work but she finds ways of contacting me and then I give in to meeting up. We then Dissect our split up and she tells me like you about the guy she is seeing and how he doesn't compare, that she still loves me etc... talk about a head F**k.

 

To make things worse she had a big argument with her family today, my name was mentioned in the argument because they talk about me negatively a lot still and about her to my ma and pa. She told them they weren't letting me move on. After the argument she locked herself in the toilet and called me, crying down the phone!!! what do u do?? If your a nice guy like me u help! I gave her support but in truth it's her who isn't letting me move on.

 

How when you struggle with morality of caring for someone do you close that door?

[Relationship Coach]

Who do you love more her or you? In 10 years from now who will you see when you look in the mirror, her or you? Look you can still care for her from afar, you just can't profess it to her or anyone else. Tell her that you can no longer be her friend or sounding board for her present and future relationships. Get strong, every time you give in it reinforces to her that you are there for her. Go NC 100% and tell her to respect your wishes. Close the door and lock it, turn out the porch light. A "No Vacancy" is on a full motel for a reason.

[PocoDiablo]

The only way you should let an ex come back is if (1) she is single (2) she wants to go on a date.

 

Both Idelion and liasonred are being treated like friends. Women have no problem coming back and thinking you'll be friends. The problem is that they are getting something out of it (therapy, you're helping them!) and you get nothing (you're doormats hoping you'll get something out of it.)

 

Unless she picks you up, takes you on a date, and pays your way you two need to tell these women to go away. I've been in the same place as you and finally realized I was being used as a therapist.

 

If you're not getting anything out of it, dump them.

[Idelion]

How about her current BF, how does he feel about the two of you talking, she says it's OK but does he? Does the BF know she tells you how much she misses you and loves you?

 

Her bf doesn't know she was talking with me and planning on getting back during October, I didn't even told her to leave him just told her that she needs to think things straight. And no, in the last call she didn't tell me that she missed me (that was during October) she only told me that she loved me very much.

 

Unless she picks you up, takes you on a date, and pays your way you two need to tell these women to go away.

 

Do I tell her that when she calls me again (most reasonable) or do I call and tell her? She hasn't called me since we spoke the second time (my call, last saturday). In the meantime she hasn't left my head, since she called she's been there. Oh yeah, today it would've been a year since we first went out, just a quick note.

 

Well, anyway, Happy Holidays to all!

[kellbell]

"Both Idelion and liasonred are being treated like friends. Women have no problem coming back and thinking you'll be friends. The problem is that they are getting something out of it (therapy, you're helping them!) and you get nothing (you're doormats hoping you'll get something out of it.)"

 

Please do not generalize here because men do this too, I have had it done to me by 2 of my ex's, so that statement makes me a little uncomfortable. Plus people will treat you as you LET them. If you allow to be treated like a doormat...well...then that's what is going to happen.

 

To liasonred Shutting the door is not easy but it can be done. You are on the right path my blocking her on your IM list, changing your cell phone number and if and when she does find you, excuse yourself, tell her your busy. Get out of the situation ASAP. But you give in because you still care about her. Start caring about yourself and get out of those situations pronto. Don't even tell her you are doing NC, just do it. Let her be with her new man. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and only you. Good luck and take care.

[PocoDiablo]

Her bf doesn't know she was talking with me and planning on getting back during October, I didn't even told her to leave him just told her that she needs to think things straight. And no, in the last call she didn't tell me that she missed me (that was during October) she only told me that she loved me very much.

So wait, she is lying to her boyfriend, she is planning on dumping him. But she told you she loved you very much but is still with this other guy?

 

Ummm.... with all due respect, she's a liar and a cheater. She is lying to her BF, lying to you, and going behind his back. That is really ugly in my opinion. I, *personally*, would be sickened to be with a woman who is this deceitful. She is not a good person. She'll likely do the same thing to you when she is with you - or at least you will have to be suspicious that she is. Trust can be a big issue, and she's lost my trust.

 

Do I tell her that when she calls me again (most reasonable) or do I call and tell her? She hasn't called me since we spoke the second time (my call, last saturday). In the meantime she hasn't left my head, since she called she's been there. Oh yeah, today it would've been a year since we first went out, just a quick note.

Um, you've got to think about this one. One thing that is happening is that you are completely ignoring the reality of the situation. She is using you and him. This is not something that you want to reward, for one, and is also not something you want in a potential "perfect" partner. I've been with many women who are like this, and it has always lead to disaster.

 

Personally, I would tell her flat out that you cannot respect the way she is treating you and him and that you can't see her - ever. And mean it. I'd walk away. This is a dealbreaker for me.

 

What happens if you get married and have kids and she gets bored? Is she going to cheat on you? What happens then? What a mistake.

 

Please do not generalize here because men do this too, I have had it done to me by 2 of my ex's, so that statement makes me a little uncomfortable. Plus people will treat you as you LET them. If you allow to be treated like a doormat...well...then that's what is going to happen.

Okay, sure, men do this too. And yes, people will treat you as badly as you let them. But in my experience, more often than not women will come back *purely* from a friendship perspective, where men will come back but want sex. This is the whole "can men and women be friends" thing but let's not get sidetracked. The point HERE is that idelion is getting used by someone who is doing this. Male, female, does not matter. The facts of the current situation matter more to help him.

[Idelion]

So wait, she is lying to her boyfriend, she is planning on dumping him. But she told you she loved you very much but is still with this other guy?

 

Well, I don't know if she's planning on dumping him now, from what I know, their relationship is going pretty good. But she did plan on leaving him and did that back in October, of course, like I said in my original post, out of the blue she went back with him while planning to get back with me. And that's where I stopped her and went NC until the 21 of Dec where she called me. Oh yeah, currently I haven't called her or anything nor has she.

[PocoDiablo]

Personally, I never get back with an ex. However, if that is your intention and you don't mind it failing again, then I would just wait until she was SINGLE and came back to you.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Make her prove she wants you.