Falling for a lesbian - UPDATE

[Mattie]

I posted on here about a month ago seeking advice on what to do about the situation I was in. Basically, I started seeing an amazing girl and we got on so well, then she told me that she is a lesbian.

 

After that, I was upset because of how well we got on up to that point. I didn't expect to speak or see her again because she knew that I was interested in her but she wasn't.

 

Anyway, rather than us not speaking to or seeing each other, we continued to do. I kept my distance but she continued to call me and invite me out. Whenever we meet up, we have a really nice time, we enjoy each other's company and every time we go out, we get closer and closer each time.

 

It has got to the point now where we are a practically a "non-sexual" couple. I have been very confused lately as we've been going out, we've been flirting and she's often said things like "you're so hot". She has been telling me recently that she's frustrated about how she feels. She told me last week, "If I wasn't a lesbian, I'd jump at the chance to be with you. It's so frustrating". Surely if she's attracted to me and frustrated, then she's not a lesbian right?

 

She invited me round to her house last night to spend Christmas evening with her family. We spent the whole night flirting and what not, at the end of the night we started hugging and holding hands, we kept rubbing noses, but we were both too scared to kiss each other. Then she kissed me out of the blue. I kissed her back and we both knew there and then that we can't just be friends. There's something more there. We were snuggling and kissing on her sofa but we both had to be really strong and not take it any further. I came home with a smile on my face, but at the same time, it is upsetting. It is really hard to explain.

 

I told her that if she was confused, I didn't want to make things worse. I also told her that whatever she feels isn't set in stone. She told me that her previous relationships have always had something missing and she's thinking that maybe she'll find that if she's with a girl.

 

She's told me that she needs time. She's told me that she's confused and doesn't want to risk hurting me. I really like her and I know she likes me so I want to wait, I told her to take her time and that I want to be with her . But at what point do I walk away?

 

Am I setting myself up for a big fall or do you think time will help her find what she's looking for?

[Jinx]

She told me that her previous relationships have always had something missing and she's thinking that maybe she'll find that if she's with a girl.

Did you happen to ask her what she personally believed was missing? Even though she may assume she doesn't know, most likely she has some idea at least of what is missing. It may of just been a result of negative previous male relationships, then again it may be her way of stating she is a lesbian and only the woman will do.

 

Reading this post, she sounds more along the lines of Bisexual than Lesbian. Could be wrong but just my personal thoughts given the information provided. Her confusion may be more along the lines of wanting to experiment or some other type of pressure going on.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see a sunny side on this issue. I'm afraid it may very well end up being you walking away because she finds a relationship, and then she may or may not decide it is for her and she either tries to come back or stays. See seems a tad bit too confused at the moment to have a stable opposite sex relationship.

 

I think you need to reason with yourself about how long is too long, none of us can really set a timeline on the situation but you don't want to end up passing an opportunity by with another women who doesn't have any problems saying, "Men only." If she begins to stretch things out and is playing around with Maybe or Maybe not, it would be best that you step out. You'll end up getting hurt. Don't leave yourself high or dry by isolation in hopes that she'll come around, do meet others while she is busy deciding.

 

What bothers me in this situation is that something hits me that she doesn't seem like she'd be commited if she did have a chance with a woman come up should you two become an item. That is the reason I'm not giving advice in the light and happier outlook, she just seems to be juggling around far too much at this point. I could very well be wrong and got the wrong impression of her but that is the nutshell of my thoughts.

[ocrob]

Hello, it sounds like Jinx knows her stuff. I am just wondering, if the situation might be a little different. It sounds like this woman tried having relationships with men and they did not work out. She then decided that she would explore inner feelings, which may be lesbian or bisexual. It sounds like she made up her mind not to be with men anymore. She met you and likes you, but is confused and torn because it is hard to over turn a decision that you make. To me, it is the same concept of when an ex decides things are over and they will never be with you again. Once that decision is made, it is hard to go back because they don't want to expose themselves to being hurt again. Once you are over someone, you have accomplished your goal and to put yourself back in that pain would be difficult. I am guessing that deciding she was a lesbian was a tough decision. Now, she is faced with changing her mind and her identity and putting herself in a position to be hurt. Just my thoughts. I would say to try your best not to get to attached, but it seems you already are. Good luck my friend.

[Boricua7]

Don't leave yourself high or dry by isolation in hopes that she'll come around, do meet others while she is busy deciding.

 

This reminds me of the movie CHASING AMY but that's besides the point. I'm not sure that my impression of this woman that you're interested in is the same as Jinx's but I do agree with her strongly. Do not allow yourself to be put on hold. Her intentions are too unclear right now for you to have any hope that the two of you could end up together (this does not mean that you won't) because she is extremely confused. Contrary to what many people may believe, being a Lesbian or being Gay is NOT a choice. She can't just say "I don't like men" one day if she doesnt truly feel that way (which obviously she doesn't if she is attracted to you). It is plausible that she is indeed Bisexual as opposed to Lesbian but she has obviously chosen to state that she is Lesbian perhaps as a defense mechanism. I agree with Jinx again when I say that you should find out exactly why she is so confused. What was it that gave her such distrust in men that she turned to women and how can you help her to overcome it? All you can do right now is remain first and foremost her friend.

 

I hope everything works out for you!

[chai714]

Mattie,

 

Withdraw the emotional fulfillment that you're giving her and she'll likely come back to you looking for it.

 

At that point, you'll have more bargaining power. I would begin to be vague in your responses, limit your time with her and let her know that you will be exploring your options but execute this in subtle way. Basically you want her to get the message that you will find someone who IS sure of her sexuality and that you won't satisfy for someone who is supposedly "confused."

[Mattie]

Mattie,

 

Withdraw the emotional fulfillment that you're giving her and she'll likely come back to you looking for it.

 

At that point, you'll have more bargaining power. I would begin to be vague in your responses, limit your time with her and let her know that you will be exploring your options but execute this in subtle way. Basically you want her to get the message that you will find someone who IS sure of her sexuality and that you won't satisfy for someone who is supposedly "confused."

 

You're absolutely right.

 

Thanks ever so much to you all. It comes accross as a lot worse than it really is. I'm not as depressed or miserable as maybe my post came accross. I'll keep you posted on the situation.

 

I'm going to carry on doing what I have been doing, not calling her and letting her come to me. If I'm out living life then a) it makes her think and b) it keeps my mind off her.

 

Jesus, my life is like a soap opera sometimes!

[ShySoul]

Playing games and trying to stay away in order to make her more interested is just going to cause more drama and continue the soap opera. If you like and respect the girl then you are not going to try and use the attention you give her as leverage. Besides, if she is really questioning her sexuality, she is already confused. What message is it going to send for you to pull back? Perhaps she will think that she scared you away. Perhaps she will get upset with you for not being there for her when she needed your friendship to help her through a difficult time. Perhaps she'll blame herself and question her sexuality even more. It could easily backfire on you.

 

Keep being her friend and be supportive. Be there for her. If she wants to talk about it, talk about it with her. Don't pressure her, but don't be to aloof. Don't intentionally make her come to you, talk to each other as neither should have to feel like the one going to the other. Be a friend and be honest about your feelings.

[Mattie]

Yes, I agree with what you're saying.

 

Of course I will be there for her as a friend if she needs me. What I meant was that I'm not going to call her, chase her and give her the impression that I'm sitting here waiting for her to decide. It has to be up to her when we see each other. She told me herself that she needs time, if I pester her then it will only confuse her even more and probably push her further away.

 

I have to kind of get the balance right of giving her space and time, but at the same time, let her know that I'm here for her. How I do that is a tricky one.

 

She called me earlier. We were going to meet up tonight, but I'm not going out tonight now. She asked me what I was doing for NYE. That tells me to give her space until NYE.

 

I have no expectations about the outcome of everything. Just hopes.

[PocoDiablo]

Just don't end up being her therapist - that never seems to go over well. I think you're on the right track with holding back a little. It's mysterious, and we all know women often like that.

[Mattie]

Quick update, I've been keeping my distance so not to confuse her.

 

Yesterday afternoon she called me. She said she was drunk the night before and called loads of people on her phone. She called me because she was worried that she may have called me and I would be angry with her. She didn't call me. I told her not to worry about it.

 

She then asked me when she'd next see me. I told her that I always enjoy being with her and Christmas Day was really nice, but I want to give her space. We've said we'll probably see each other on NYE.

 

Last night, she was on MSN. It was quite late and we had both been drinking, but when as she went offline she said: "love u xxxx".

 

I really want to call her and see her. But, I know that it might be a step backwards on my part. I know I have to wait until she is ready, but she's been calling me a lot. Is she trying to get me to ask her out?

 

Sorry to go on and on about this, but I respect what you guys have told me so far.

[Mattie]

That's that. I'm sick of it.

 

On Friday, we met up for a drink and were flirting and kissing each other. That evening, we ordered pizza and watched DVDs and did the same thing. But, she told me that she's still confused. I told her that I understood and told her that nothing's final and I'm not worried about next week or next month, or whatever. I just enjoy being with her and we always get on really well. Anyway, we went out that night and we both got drunk. Again, we were all over each other and, as always, getting on really well. I stayed at her house on Friday night. I slept on her sofa as it makes more sense to take things slow at this stage.

 

Yesterday morning, I went to say goodbye before I left and we had a couple more hours sleep together. She sent me a text message yesterday afternoon to say: "Thank you for letting me sleep in your gorgeous arms. It made my week."

 

So, obviously, I'm really happy at this point.

 

We went out last night for NYE. Again, getting on really well. We were out with loads of people and we didn't see a lot of each other last night, but when we did, we kissed and hugged, etc.

 

At the end of the night, she rang me to see where I was. I found her and took her to get a taxi. She got in and made her way home. As did I.

 

Then, when I got in, she sent me a text message saying:

 

"I meant what I said earlier on today but I think it'd be better in the long run if we were just friends. I've tried to feel the same way and I wish that I could, but it's better for me and you if I stop being so dillusioned and forcing myself to feel the same as you. I'll always think you're fantastic. xxx"

 

I am just such a mess right now, because we're all over each other and getting on really well one minute, then it's like I don't exist. I really like her and I'm just upset that somebody can say and do things when they don't really mean them. She's not mentioned her sexuality to me so maybe that has nothing to do with it. All I know is that the last time she did it, we maintained "friendship" and we got to where we were last night. So, being friends with her is just setting myself up for another fall. Which I am not prepared to let happen again.

 

But, at least now I know there's nothing I can do and I can move on. If she thinks I'm "fantastic" then it's not all doom and gloom is it? ](*,)

 

Happy new year to you all!

[patience]

first off, I'm a bisexual woman, 100% out about this fact

 

she sounds messed up, and should perhaps explore her issues in therapy

 

whether she meant to or not, she used you to explore her attraction to men...which is not okay (from what you write, I don't think she meant to hurt you, but she seems aware of the fact that she was misleading you, and doesn't want to do so anymore...at least she is admitting she doesn't feel the way you do)

 

"confused" people are never a safe emotional investment...I've learned this the hard way too

 

I was on again/off again with a 'confused' woman, and I would NEVER get into another situation like that ever again...she needed therapy, not a girlfriend (or boyfriend)

 

whether or not you decide to stay friends with her is your call...can you handle the mixed messages? it is probably best for you to distance yourself from her for a bit, to save your sanity, and to grieve what cannot be

 

sorry this happened to you, I KNOW how much it hurts

 

you must be an amazing guy to tempt a lesbian keep that in mind!!!

[Mattie]

We've just spoken on MSN. I've not spoken to her today and I didn't really know what to say to her.

 

But she came on and put me under pressure to speak to her. She kept asking if I wanted her to leave me alone, etc.

 

I was stand off ish at first, but as we got talking, after a while we got talking like we normally do.

 

She can't be a lesbian if she's been kissing me right? But, she said that she's been trying to ignore it but deep down she can't let go.

 

It is just really frustrating because we have identical tastes and personalities and it's always a joy to be with each other. But, it seems like she's made up her mind and there's nothing I can do.

 

Thank you for all your advice. It always helps.

 

Win some, lose some.

[patience]

I know lesbians who kiss men, some even sleep with them on occasion. I don't know why they don't admit to being bisexual. I don't see the big deal.

 

Have you ever asked her if it is possible that she might be bi?

 

Sexuality is not a black/white thing.

 

she said that she's been trying to ignore it but deep down she can't let go

 

what was she talking about when she wrote that? let go of what? huh???

[Mattie]

I know lesbians who kiss men, some even sleep with them on occasion. I don't know why they don't admit to being bisexual. I don't see the big deal.

 

Have you ever asked her if it is possible that she might be bi?

 

Sexuality is not a black/white thing.

 

 

 

what was she talking about when she wrote that? let go of what? huh???

 

When we first met, she told me she was bisexual. Then we got close and she told me she's a lesbian. We stayed friends and got even closer than before, then she's backed away again saying she's a lesbian.

 

I think she's battling with trying to decide one way or the other. It seems like she wants to like me, but she's got this feeling deep down that she's curious about girls too and she can't ignore that. Maybe she feels scared of getting involved with me because of it all. But I know she likes me. That is what is so frustrating.

 

It's probably easier to tell me she's a lesbian so I don't get in her way whilst she's battling with everything. It's pretty clear to me that she's bisexual purely because of everything that happened between us. If she was a lesbian 100%, we'd never have kissed, hugged, etc, etc.

 

It'll get easier in time. I'll get over it and hopefully she'll work things out for her sake.

 

But I am really starting to fall for her.

[patience]

if she hasn't been with a woman yet, that explains a LOT

 

she doesn't sound like a mean person, she sounds really confused...this state of confusion can go on for years, so buckle up, it'll be quite the ride if you choose to stay connected with her

 

she needs to figure out her sexuality on her own, in her own way, on her own time...she probably doesn't want the 'pressure' of a monogomaus relationship with a man right now

 

honestly, I think you are being spared quite the heartache...she is not ready for any sort of relationship while she is feeling this confused

 

if you really do care for her, and if you can manage it, maybe stay casual friends....but in order to quell your feelings, you will have to not spend so much time talking and hanging out with her

 

do you keep a journal at all? writing down all of your feelings and thoughts will help you to process what you went through...you could also write letters to her that you never send...do whatever you need to do to heal from this

 

I know the pain of loving someone you can't be with (a lot of us here do) and it is hard work to get through it

 

try not to hold on to false hope, try really hard to be realistic...she is saying she is a lesbian, so that is what you have to accept right now...until she is willing to face other possibilities, she is simply off limits romantically

[Mattie]

Thanks Patience. Your advice is really hitting home.

 

We spoke last night and agreed to stop speaking for a while. I told her that whilst it's going to be hard, I think we both need time for different reasons. I told her she means the world to me and I'll always be here for her.

 

She agreed and thanked for me everything and said: "Most importantly, thank you for being you. xxx"

 

It's not even been 24 hours and I'm already hating it. All I could think about at work today was the situation. It's really stupid. I know it'll get better, but what I can't get my head around is why she'd call me "hot" , "gorgeous" , "sexy" one day and then the next day say she wishes she could feel the same, but can't force herself to.

 

She's a beautiful girl than can have whoever she wants, so to be rejected by her is something I can accept, but what really gets me is how somebody can say things that they don't mean. It's really messed me up.

[patience]

I really do think it is best for you to not talk to her for awhile. You need time and space away from her push/pull behavior to see it more clearly, to get some distance, and to heal.

 

When a person is genuinely 'confused' what s/he feels can and often does shift from one moment to the next. They are really unpredictable and you cannot rely on what they say or do. There is a lack of consistency that will mess with your feelings.

 

She may think you are hot, gorgeous, sexy, etc, yet still not want to 'go there' with you sexually. She may be okay with kissing and hugging, but more than that may be 'too much' for her. Who knows? She probably doesn't know what she wants. (not a good thing for you)

 

It is possible that she has met a woman, that could explain such a sudden shift. Again, who knows?

 

On again/off again behavior will mess up a normal person. You are having a normal reaction to really weird behavior. Further exposure to hot/cold behavior will lead to more of these 'messed up' feelings.

 

No contact is hard, but it really is best when someone is treating you like a yo-yo. Each day that you stick to NC, you will feel a little better. There will be hard days and you will feel really tempted to contact her at times. You can always come here and post...or go for a walk to clear your head...or hang out with friends.

 

You've probably learned a lot from this experience, and you'll take that wisdom with you into your next friendship/relationship.

[Mattie]

Awww. Again, thank you so much.

 

I was on MSN last night, however I (stupidly) forgot to block her. I didn't say anything to her. Then she asked me what time my band are on stage on Saturday night. Completely pointless and irrelevant. I spoke to her for a bit and then I went out. When we speak we get on well, but I'm trying to limit how often that is.

 

Apparently she's bringing her family with her to my gig. I have no idea why.

 

My trouble is, I have too much time to think. My job gives me a lot of time to myself and I tend to reflect on everything far too much. Every single thing she's ever said goes under the microscope and I try to work out what it all means. Today, for example, I was analysing her text messages and thought to myself that perhaps she's not gay, I've turned her straight and I've served my purpose, but she's realised that she can do better. Now, writing that down, I know how stupid that sounds, but I can't help but feel like that!

 

When I'm busy, it's all cool. So, I just have to keep busy.

 

It'll get easier in time, I know. I learnt that from the break up with my last girlfriend.

[Mattie]

PATIENCE! Where are you?! I need your advice. Again. Just when I make peace with the whole situation and carry on with my life, it goes back.

 

I finished work today and noticed I had a missed call on my phone. From her. I also had a voicemail. From her.

 

"Uh, hi... I've just been looking for that demo CD you gave me and I can't find it. Uh, I was just wondering if it'd be OK if I came and uh...picked...up..another...copy. If that's a good idea, I don't know, but just in case you still want me to play (cowbell) on Saturday. Uh, yeah, get back to me as soon as possible. Take care. Bye."

 

What is all that about?! In my experience, whenever I've ended something, I've never wanted or even thought about seeing the other person. For both my sake and their sake.

 

Anyway, I reluctantly agreed. Deep down, maybe I wanted to see her just to see if I'd feel any different. She turned up at my house looking amazing. I must admit, I made an effort too.

 

It was a bit awkward, but I gave her the CD. She complimented how I look. I didn't compliment her back. I kept my thoughts to myself. I was pleasant and polite but didn't give too much away.

 

Anyway, I've been sitting on the net chatting to friends tonight and she's messaged me on MySpace to say "great hair xxx" and sent me a text a few minutes later saying: "are you bored or busy? I'm bored and not busy x sorry for texting you x".

 

ARGH.

 

What is she doing?! Does she have amnesia or something?

[patience]

Mattie,

 

This is how "confused" people act. It's really classic behavior actually. Mixed messages extraordinaire! It probably won't stop anytime soon. You're playing emotional Russian Roulette my friend.

 

How is this making you feel? When you choose to listen to her messages, read her texts, etc, how do you feel? Is this good for you? Or is this making you nuts?

 

You are in control of how (and if) you respond to her. If you really do want space away from her, tell her so, and then ignore any contact after that.

 

If you want to be friends with her, and that's probably all she can offer right now, then go for it.

 

It sounds like you have it bad for her, and you probably won't be able to let go of those strong feelings until you stop communicating for a bit.

 

I know how hard it is. As I've shared with you before, I've been through it myself. Cutting ties was the only way to go for me.

 

If I had to guess, I'd say she misses your friendship...she is not being very fair to you if you have clearly told her that you cannot handle being friends right now.

[Boricua7]

It seems to me that she cannot handle NC. A lot of people agree to do NC and they just break and contact the other person, usually with a really stupid excuse, just to confirm that they are still around and still care.

 

About her bringing her family to your gig, that sounds sketchy. For all you know it could just be her knowing that you've got an awesome band and she wants her family to enjoy themselves so she's taking them to one of your shows. It could be because she wants them to meet you because you mean a lot to her. Your guess is as good as mine.

 

Her confusion is leading her to toy with your emotions and like PATIENCE has clearly said, that is not good for you. She needs to respect that you want space away from her (well you don't really but you still ask for it because you know its the best thing for the both of you at this juncture). It is not fair of her to ask for your friendship knowing that it is not something you can handle. Remind her of why you both need to give eachother space and that you will be there for her if she really needs you. Like I stated before, she may contact you to merely remind you of her existence because she doesn't want you to forget about her. On the other hand, It seems likely to me that her coming back to you may just be a cry for your attention. A lot of the time women will do subtle things and expect you to get the message. She may be keeping in contact with you in hopes that you will approach her. If anything DON'T. She is the one who is confused so she is the one who needs to take the initiative and approach YOU. It is her who needs to make the decision and you have been amazing to step back and give her the freedom to do so. Continue to do so. When she is ready (which the more you are apart the more she may start to realize she is) she will come to you.

[Mattie]

Thanks guys.

 

I had my gig tonight. She came along and joined us onstage to play cowbell for a song. It was cool.

 

As for "me and her", it's kind of fading. I really do want to be with her, but I am happy to just be her friend. We went out on Thursday night and had a cool time together. At the end of the night we chatted and she told me that she thinks she needs to have an experience with a girl to see if it makes her feel any different. She says her previous relationships with guys haven't worked out and I guess she's curious.

 

The only thing that really annoys me is how, once again, we were holding hands tonight. We'll hug and there'll be an awkward moment where we'd normally kiss, but then we both pull away in frustration.

 

It is her birthday today (Sunday) and I really want to see her. She goes back to uni too. Which I think is a good thing in that it gives us space.

 

I'm just letting her come to me as and when she wants to. She just seems to be coming to me a lot.

 

I try and cut back on when we speak/see each other, but I really love being with her and I can't resist seeing her when she wants to see me.

 

But, as of now, I am going to stop. I really need to.

 

She told me she needs to have an experience with a girl. I am happy for her to go and do that. It seems a bit like she's keeping me on hold because she likes me, it's just not the right time.

 

ARGH. I'm going to bed. It'll be much clearer in the morning.

 

Thank you once again for the advice.

[Boricua7]

The only thing that really annoys me is how, once again, we were holding hands tonight. We'll hug and there'll be an awkward moment where we'd normally kiss, but then we both pull away in frustration.

 

It's good that you are limiting your time with her and it's also good that you are doing other things so as to keep your mind off of her. However, when you are together it seems like you have to start over again on your healing process because of the fact that you do hold hands and kiss. I know it's something you want but do you think you should be doing this at this point? You mentioned that it "annoys" and "frustrates" you when she kisses you and holds your hand because it confuses you more and more that she is this way but doesn't want to be with you. Maybe you should cut back on the physical contact as well. I can completely understand if this is not something you are willing to do but I still think you should think about it. NC is hard but what's harder is to face the person you love and not give in to the strong temptation to hold them, hug them, and kiss them. Like I said before, I completely understand if this is not something you are willing to do or even ready to do, I am in the same situation ](*,) . All I'm saying is that from someone OUTSIDE of the relationship I can see that this may be something that is making things harder on the both of you rather than easier.

[Mattie]

I know. I've decided today to cut all contact with her. It is her birthday today, I sent her a text message to say happy birthday, but that's it.

 

She's going back to university today. It'll be easier from now on in that we've both got time and space apart now. There'll be no temptation to call me because I'm only five minutes down the road.

 

All I'm going to do now is go out and live my life. If by doing that I heal and get over everything, great. Her being apart from me might make her re-assess the situation. You never know. Or it'll hopefully give her a chance to do whatever she feels she has to do.

 

We're just too close to just be friends. That's the thing that is so hard about the situation. We've said many a time that we'll always be there for one another and this will get easier.