can someone help me think this through?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I live in a very small tightknit community where information travels very quickly. My neighbor was gay and when I moved here we were really flirty and we became sort of close friends. Then one night when we were very drunk he jumped on me and we had sex. I had had a lot of trouble at high school (I'm mid 20s now) with people assuming I was gay and I had had a lot of feelings that I might be gay and that I wanted to try something so I wasn't totally surprised when it happened (though I wish I had been slightly more pro-active in experiencing it rather than let a guy jump on me- I don't really feel like it was my decision even though I of course chose to and enjoyed having sex).

 

It was a bit of a shock the next day and he asked if I wanted to keep it a secret but I know that would only make my life miserable so I said I didnt want it to be a secret- though that didnt mean go round and tell everyone obviously- just that I didnt want it to seem that I was ashamed of what happened. The next day he kept kissing me and it felt really uncomfortable but this guy was my closest friend and my neigbor and we had all the same friends- so I just kept telling myself to be cool about it- a lot of the time I was quite excited about the idea of being gay though a little scared.

 

Everyday I would come home late from work and he came to see me and kissed me and basically was constantly trying to initiate sex. Now- I was an until then straight guy who was in no way used to having to push someone away like that (though I now have a great deal of sympathy for exgirlfriends I used to pressure for sex). I was suffering culture shock from being in a new place and not really wanting to freak out because I wanted to try and be relaxed about this new experience. Everyday before I knew it its 3am and he was trying to have sex with me again and I really just didn't want it- but I was also afraid that if I ran away from it now I would be surpressing these feelings. It was stupid in retrospect, I just wasn't that interested in him and he was REALLY pushy. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to do anything. But I didn't communicate very well I accept that- I couldn't tell him to stop and I don't know why. I feel a bit abused and it's really affected my self esteem.

 

I told one person who had come out recently- I really felt like we had something in common- because the guy I slept with is just so inyourfacegay that I just couldnt relate to his point of view. Everyone's advice was just take your time but I was getting more and more panicky about how to deal with it. This guy was beginning to mention it to more and more people. He told his friends and some gay friends and I kind of know them and it really upset me that he hadn't asked me first, but he wouldn't and has never apologised- he still argues that it's totally okay for him to tell them. I don't know- I feel like no one has the right to do that. But even then I couldn't really say anything because I was confused about how to be and I was so concerned with not freaking out.

 

One month went by and a few more people found out. I had been and still was attracted to this girl who was a mutual friend of ours, and he wanted to tell her. I agreed because we had kind of agreed to be a couple though it was still clear that he was having sex with other people at this point. But I really didn't want her to know and when she knew and I spoke to her about it I found I still had really strong feelings for her and I went and broke up with this guy. He was really happy because I don't think he really liked the idea of having a monogomous relationship with me.... particularly since I really wasn't into the sex. A couple more people were finding out and I was just retreating more and more into this humiliated shell- I felt like my sexuality was totally out of my hands and it was hot news.

 

This guy got fired and moved to a different city for a few months and I felt such a relief because he has such a big mouth and I was really hurt that he had made me feel so inadequate and been so impatient- because we were really supposed to be good friends. But I wasn't interested in just being there for him to come onto whenever he was horny which was kind of the position I was in.

 

So when he came back a few months later I just stopped talking to him.. not the most grownup response but I just felt walked all over and embarrassed at how indecisive I'd been- but we have all the same friends and he always called me and wanted to talk about it but I couldnt. The ridiculous thing is I ended up apologising to him for ignoring him without ever getting a apology for the way he treated me.

 

We sort of tried to be friends for a bit but not really and he still tells people about it. Especially since sometimes I get drunk and talk about it too. I had this great conversation with a girl in a bar about it. She was really understanding though maybe a bit freaked out. She works with him. I keep doing these stupid things because I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about this. I don't talk to him at all anymore and he's gone home for christmas now so I've kind of got a break and its really freed me up to think about this.

 

I don't trust him and so I feel very uncomfortable when I'm around people he knows because I feel like they know and they're laughing at me "that's the guy who got drunk and had gay sex then freaked out because he's ashamed of it". I don't think I'm ashamed of it- but I live in a gossipy conservative community and I hadn't and still can't decide for myself. I don't think anyone has the right to out me. But nothing can be done about that. People get angry at me because I make general comments like "everyone knows" and thats not true. He didnt tell everyone. But shouldn't I be the only one telling people? Shouldnt a gay person really respect that?

 

I see attractive women all the time.. Sometimes I see attractive men. I don't know how I feel. I think I need to get away from him and this small community. But I hate the idea of running away. I was in a restaurant and some people I dont really know we talking loud enough for me to hear, about how gay I was.... (the truth is I didnt hear them but thats what they told the guy I slept with- then I heard the story from him). Now when I see them they say hello politely but with a big grin on their faces and it makes me feel sick. How am I supposed to deal with that? I know how to talk honestly and openly, but I'm not a confrontational person- I'm not good at face to face arguments- even though a few people really deserve it. I feel so trapped and a coward. I don't know what I need to do or say to feel better again. The only advice people can give me is "try to relax".

 

Sorry this is a beast of an email. Can anyone help?

[novaseeker]

I think it's hard living in a small community as you do. It was unfair what this guy did to you ... I do not agree that it is okay to "out" people without their consent, and thereforeeee I think he was not right in what he did.

 

For now, people are going to think of you as gay becasuse of what this guy is saying. Short of moving away, which you don't seem to want to do, and I can respect that, I think you need to think more about what you really are ... and act on that. If you conclude you are really straight and acquire a girlfriend, people will consider what happened with this guy to be "experimentation". If you conclude that you are gay or bi, then you'll need to decide whether you want to stay in a conservative small town or leave for someplace where you can be more anonymous, and where gay and bi people are more tolerated.

[Bethany]

I don't know how you will take this or if it's what you want to hear but I think you need to stop talking to random people about your situation, especially when you have had a few drinks.

Spend some time on 'Innerwork' or post on this site as you will not get many who judge you and all of us are here to genuinely help others and ourselves through difficult times and strong emotions.

I feel that some day from reading your post that whether it's a male or female, Someone will come along and be the One for you.

 

In the meantime don't eat yourself up with your problem and let your emotions calm down so you can think clearly and honestly about what you want from your life. You don't have to run away to do this, just accept that you don't know what you want or who you want but Time will bring you the answers and the right person for you.

[ocrob]

It's weird because weather this is a gay issue or not, this guy is a jerk. He sounds like an arrogant gay player. It sounds like you just need to find someone nice that you care about and that cares about you. Labels suck, but you sound bisexual. Just find yourself someone that will support you. I am thinking you are leaning towards a woman. Find a woman that does not mind you are bi, which there are many. Good luck bro.

[Prufrock06]

"Whether this is a gay issue or not, this guy is a jerk."

 

Agreed. I would try and find some new people to hang around. I'm not sure what your community is like or whether this is possible but from what you've told us -- it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, what you have with this guy (regardless of how you would categorize yourself sexually).

 

If you're feeling trapped, then there is no real choice but to avoid and "run away" as you see it. Although I don't think leaving your community for someplace new, someplace that wouldn't have the kind of psychological baggage you're describing should be seen in such a negative light as "running away" or "retreating" -- how about "moving" or "starting fresh"?

 

But I also think you need to take some time and figure out whether you consider yourself bisexual or gay or merely a straight male who wanted to experiement with a member of the same sex. Once you get that figured out you will find it much easier to deal with the impressions and reactions of those around you.

[pianoguy]

Happytown,

 

First off, my sympathies, it sounds like you've been through a lot.

 

The relationship you had with this neighbor sounds emotionally abusive. You shouldn't be pressured for sex, if a person says no, that should be it. The thing you mentioned about him "jumping you" sounds an awful lot like a rape. Especially since you were drunk. Do not have any more contact with this guy, he is a first-class jerk.

 

I would strongly encourage you to seek out some professional counseling, it would be extremely beneficial in your situation and make you feel better about yourself and your sexuality.

 

I hope that you don't feel guilty or responsible for what happened. You didn't do anything wrong and it was not your fault for anything that happened.

 

Moving away may not be a bad idea, but I would talk to a counselor first. Clearly living in this town is bad for your emotional health, so you have to weigh that against whatever reason you have for living here in the first place.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Thanks for everyone's comments. I want to make it clear I don't feel I was raped!! Although actually I have to add this amazing fact- I once (in despair) lay there and played dead for five minutes while that guy tried to have sex with me. I just didn't know what to do anymore and I just lay there. And he did NOT notice at all- he just carried on- I hate to imagine what he must say I'm like in bed! It really hurts to realise that someone can be THAT unaware- a one night stand fair enough- but your friend is a different matter.

 

And also I didn't say no...(actually I did once and he didnt stop for long)... if I had been able to say no strongly and consistently then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I don't see how my being confused can be anyone's responsibility but my own. I wasn't forced into anything- I was just hoping someone, who was lacking in emotional subtlety, would read my fears and doubts and naturally take it slow-but he didn't- he walked all over me- and for that I'm angry at him AND myself.

 

If you read this guy's blog and hear what he says about me, then the replies he gets about how emotionally stunted I am and how he shouldn't let me make him feel like he's a bad person- then you realise how convoluted the situation is. I have NOT dealt with this well at all and that's why I am in this situation. Not because what he did to me was wrong (though I totally believe it was) but because I couldnt tell him- that's nothing to with my sexuality and everything to do with me.

 

Counselling.....been there done that and I dont really feel its right for me now- also aint too many english speaking counsellors where I am- in fact come to think of it there are none. If there were I probably would have gone to one by now. I live in a small corner of Japan- there are about 100 English speaking foreigners here.

 

The internet is a step up but a friend is better- I had a long period of therapy until I went to Japan and to be honest it's just made me distant from others in terms of opening up- so I want to find someone I can unload my feelings with. I think that's healthier and most people can do it. Thats why I got so stunted with my first gay experience- because for the first time since the end of therapy I had something really private I needed to talk about and I had no ability to confide in anyone. I was so used to saving it for my therapist. I've finally started to do open up to others now and it's led to me posting here. I think the fact that I could post this at all means my self esteem is on the rise- because I've felt so ridiculous for so long. Maybe a touch narcissistic, but I keep reading my first post because I'm so amazed I managed to express myself so clearly one afternoon last week. Getting replies made me break down.

 

I'm just so touched that people took the time to really listen- it's been so tiring trying to talk to people in my city about it and I've got so much more from some objective views. Hhmmm.....maybe therapy is the answer after all- but this website is a hell of a lot cheaper so I'll keep posting in the meantime!

[pianoguy]

And also I didn't say no...(actually I did once and he didnt stop for long)... if I had been able to say no strongly and consistently then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I don't see how my being confused can be anyone's responsibility but my own.

 

The thing is, this man clearly took advantage of the fact that you were unassertive and confused and had sex with you despite the fact that you weren't real keen on it. That was HIS fault, and it is morally wrong and pretty rotten thing for a human to do to another human. In fact, I think it is one of the biggest problems in our society in general.

 

If anything, the fact that you were confused makes it MORE his fault since he clearly was NOT confused. If both of you were confused then that would be different, but the fact that this happened repeatedly convinces me he knew full well what he was doing.

 

I wasn't forced into anything- I was just hoping someone, who was lacking in emotional subtlety, would read my fears and doubts and naturally take it slow-but he didn't- he walked all over me- and for that I'm angry at him AND myself.

You weren't forced but you were clearly pushed along way faster than you would like. This isn't something you should have to deal with, and it's not something he should have done. You deserve better.

 

If you read this guy's blog and hear what he says about me, then the replies he gets about how emotionally stunted I am and how he shouldn't let me make him feel like he's a bad person- then you realise how convoluted the situation is. I have NOT dealt with this well at all and that's why I am in this situation. Not because what he did to me was wrong (though I totally believe it was) but because I couldnt tell him- that's nothing to with my sexuality and everything to do with me.

Happytown, I've seen this situation before and it is ALWAYS the same. The dominant person convinces the weaker person that everything is the weaker person's fault. I don't know if you've ever spoken to a battered woman but they say the most incredible things. They DESERVED to be beaten, if they would've just been a better wife, etc. etc.

 

Now, I'm not saying you were physically abused, but I do think you were abused emotionally. This man used you for sex, even though you were extremely reluctant, confused, and needed guidance and care. He made you feel pretty worthless about yourself and did not treat you with compassion and integrity.

 

My Mom is a brilliant psychologist (many people swear she's telepathic, including me) and she once said the most incredible thing to me. I have a friend who has been through a tremendous emotional ordeal with her parents but had never been physically abused, and I said, "Thank goodness they didn't beat her, too, I can only imagine how much more damaged she would have been." This is how my Mom replied:

 

"I wish to God she had been beaten, it would have been easier for her to deal with. Yes, easier. When you are beaten, you heal, bones mend themselves, scars fade. But you carry emotional damage for a lifetime."

 

I was quite stunned when she said that, but it is true.

 

It seems to me that you are doing fairly well, but I still think it would be a good idea to find a counselor. Friends are AWESOME (get some friends too!) but they don't have professional training in therapy. Do get some friends, do you have any old friends you could call up and chat with, or sympathetic family members?

[FoxLocke]

Happytown,

 

Whether you ultimately consented or not I would classify what that jerk did to you as nothing less than rape. True, he can't be prosecuted since you did "willingly" sleep with him, but--in my opinion--you were emotionally raped.

 

Growing up(in my early to mid teens) I was the victim of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother. I would like to tell you this...What happened to you was not your fault.

 

As Pianoguy has stated the abuser, the dominant person in the dysfunctional relationship, has an uncanny knack for making the victim feel like he or she deserved whatever happened to them. That is simply not the case. The abuser is the one who has the problem. So please don't blame yourself for the mental anguish this cretin is putting you through.

When I was physically abused by my own brother I would always blame myself and make excuses that rationalized his behavior, "Oh maybe if I hadn't said this..." or "What if I hadn't done that."

 

However, it will take you taking back your own power to end the cycle of insecurity and mistrust that he has put upon you.

 

I can see why you are having a hard time since you live in Japan. That definitely would be hard to open up to someone in a foreign land...Have you ever considered coming back to the states for awhile, maybe taking sometime out to just care for yourself?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

A few people in my town know about this and noone's defended me really so I've been prone to thinking that it's more my fault. I still have a hard time believing I was forced and I was made to think I should have spoken up for myself. I feel like no one's got any sympathy for me here, but maybe that's because I just haven't opened up to anyone about it. Maybe I should sit down wiht a few people, try to explain exactly what happened a bit better and see if they change their tune.

 

I'm turning more and more to the idea that I really need toget out of my city. Maybe the only reason I renewed my contract was because I didn't want to feel like this guy had driven me out. As for going back to the States for a while to recupe.... I'd love to. But I'm from England. So if there's anyone posting on here who wants to sponsor me a visa that would be sweet. I got a bad first impression of gay American men though...

 

Thanks for your support guys!