Please help me open my eyes to him

[riorosie]

I found out in September that my husband of 16 years had cheated on me with a Bar Fly at least 5 times. I confronted him and he said that she means nothing to him other than SEX, that he will never leave me or my kids, that I am his wife and begged me to stay. My world as some of you have experienced collapsed right before me. We had problems prior to this, but in my wildest dream did I ever think he would do this to me. We or maybe I should say I am working on our marriage, he now wants me to allow him to be able to see her once a month just for SEX, she means nothing to him (she actually is a Lesbian who only slept with him to get a room for the nite). So in his warped mind this is the perfect I don't know if I should call it Mistress or easy piece of * * * - so many men have women on the side he tells me, this should not destroy our home or marriage. We have a lot of property so I am sure that he knows that I will take him to the cleaners if I chose to leave. I have acutally tracked down this Bar Fly and she swears that she will never sleep with him again, but I am sure that is until she needs another place to sleep. Our culture which is Male dominated sees a man with a women on the side as a great accomplishment. Many men here have Bar Flys and still are married many with the wifes approval, if he gets it out there then he does not have to bug me is thier take on this.

 

I have prayed, gotten advice from some to leave his sorry * * * and others praise to try and work on it for the kids sake. I have never felt so much pain and betrayal as now. I know that he knows that I always forgive him, but you get worn down and don't care anymore, I am real close to that. WHat is really ironic about this, is if one of my girlfriends had come to me with this I would have told her to leave him. But until you actaully go thru it, there is no stronger pain that someone you love can do to you.

 

I would love to hear from anyone who has been thru this.

[RandomAdvisor]

We or maybe I should say I am working on our marriage, he now wants me to allow him to be able to see her once a month just for SEX..

 

 

!!

 

That's one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard. It's very revealing of him to say that. It tells me that he doesn't really care about you and your marriage. If he was concerned about working things out because he loved you and he wanted to stay together, he wouldn't even think of making such a ridiculous proposal to you even if he was tempted.

 

He's not sincere in wanting to stay together at all. Personally, I think you should take him to the cleaners and find someone who can treat you with respect. After 16 years of marriage you deserve much better than this. I'm sorry you're going through this, and this is the kind of thing you have to think of during the holiday season which should be such a happy time...

[OverParanoid]

I am working on our marriage, he now wants me to allow him to be able to see her once a month just for SEX

 

Whats the use of you working on your marriage if he still thinks he can have sex with her once a month. Not only did he cheat on you once he did it 5 times. You have been disrespected and hurt in every way possible. I feel you should find someone who will treat you the way a woman should be treated, with unconditional love and RESPECT . Take him to the cleaners, he deserves whatever you throw at him. He played with fire and now its time to get burned. I understand its been 16 years and its easier said then done, But you seriously deserve better. I have been cheated on in past relationships and I have no respect for anyone who can do this to another human being, its just plain wrong!!

[Hope75]

I'm sorry but when he married you he took vows to love and honour you and this is NOT love OR honour.

 

He's basically given you a choice, you can stay with him and accept that he wants to and plans to see his lover once a month, or you can show him by leaving that you aren't willing to accept this.

 

Personally, I'd leave him just for ever SUGGESTING that he should be able to keep his lover on the side.

 

Ask him how he feels about you having a lover on the side, than boot his slimey behind out on the street and let him sleep around to get a room.

 

This guy is totally disrespectful to you, your marriage, and your children. It's up to you to let him know that on NO UNCERTAIN TERMS is this acceptable, and you are not going to allow him to walk all over you.

[riorosie]

I am not surprised by the response, because I believe that I know this in my heart. But I guess the bottom line for some crazy reason is that I love him. I know go figure. I guess that it hurts me to think that if I leave him that this Bar Fly will be in my home, reaping the benefits. He has worn me down so much, that who would want you? You would be lost without me. His Mom said that she would never leave her spouse because of a Bar Fly (for better words). I sometimes wonder what will happen after this? I have been beaten down so much that right now I don't think I could stand on my own 2 feet. Leaving with 2 kids and I guess bottom line scared of being alone - scares me. But on the other hand I don't know if I can live this life. I am currently on anti-depressants because of this major blow in my life. I guess that I am thinking that this will pass and he will no longer do this, I just don't know I am so confused.

 

Thank you for all of your kind words and support.... I really could use alot of it now.

[Hope75]

I'm sorry this is so awful for you rosie. ((HUGS)) What your husband is doing to you is unspeakable. It would almost be better if he made the choice for you and left you so that you could see that you CAN live without him.

 

Let me tell you something. The way he has been tearing you down is abuse. You CAN live on your own with your children and someone WILL want you, love you and respect you, if you give yourself that chance. Your husband sounds like a real creep , who had worked hard to shape you into someone who will let him get away with treating you like dirt and yet you still stay.

 

It is NOT acceptable what he's asking of you, and frankly he's a pig for even asking it, and is obviously full of himself and confident that you will agree to it.

 

Ask yourself, do you really think you deserve this? Do you really think that you can't do better?

 

Lots of people start over, many with kids. You can certainly do that. Don't let this cowardly pig of a man tell you that you cannot live without him or that no one would want you. He does that because he knows and fears that truth-- if you leave him he will lose the best thing in his life and you WILL find someone who will treat you with love and respect, and you will see him for what he really is-- a loser and a jerk who is not worth your time.

[Mun]

It does get better and you can do it, it's not easy, but the peace of mind is sooo worth it.

I left my ex with 3 kids in tow...all under the age of 5. I went back to school and got a college degree, have dated--even had a couple of marriage proposals-- and had a great life AFTER my divorce 10 years ago.

I know you're scared, he probably knows this too and is using it to his advantage. You have to realize that it will most likely not get better. He has absolutely disrespected you. "Everyone else is doing it " is not a good excuse.

 

Staying for the children is not worth it in my opinion. The will grow up thinking that what your husband has done to you is acceptable and it may affect their future relationships. You guys are their relationship rolemodels.

 

You have alot of thinking to do. I just want to let you know that somebody else not wanting you is a bunch of crap, don't believe it. I don't think I'm all that special and I've turned down guys before... much to the surprise of my single/no children friends.

 

You chose how you want to be treated. I think you deserve way better than this.

[lovecrazy]

Honey, your husband has no repsect for you!

 

I honetly would tell him if you want to stay in the marriage"its either you leave her alone, and work on this or get out"

 

But if you want to leave, then leave....

 

You do deserve better than that!

 

Oh and as for your mother in law, she will tell you she wouldnt leave her husband because that is her son, you are talking about. Do what you feel is right!

As for your culture, you are in America where you have options. I am not trying to put down your culture. But you have to do what is right for your kids, and yourself.

 

And your kids can be raised in a loving family even when parents are divorced.

Please keep us updated

[riorosie]

I cannot tell all of you that have responded how much you are helping me. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my kids today - but if you have a chance and could say a prayer for me that God helps me make the right descision in my life - I believe in the power of prayer.

 

I will keep you all updated - Many hugs.........

[RandomAdvisor]

I cannot tell all of you that have responded how much you are helping me. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my kids today - but if you have a chance and could say a prayer for me that God helps me make the right descision in my life - I believe in the power of prayer.

 

I will keep you all updated - Many hugs.........

 

How old are your children? Kids can tell when something is wrong between their parents. In the long run it's better for them to live with one happy stable parent than both parents when one of them is unhappy because they are being treated like dirt by the other parent.

 

You're right though, today is probably the worst day to make an issue of this. It can wait, but don't let it wait too long! Once the new year is here, you should act.

 

Have you thought of getting some counseling for yourself? It sounds like your husband has really done a number on you with his actions. These forums are great, but a lot of times nothing can compare to talking to a professional about your problems in person. I think it would really help you to let it all out.

[Hope75]

Do keep us posted! We are here for you whenever you need us.

[annieo]

Riorosie- I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have my prayers. What your husband did was terrible. If he is not willing to do everything possible to make up his cheating to you and worse yet wants to continue then he clearly is not really a husband to you. You deserve to be loved and cared for and respected. Your children need you to set an example of how a woman should be treated. You are stronger than you know. Talk to a lawyer before you do anything, make your plans and have everything figured out before you tell him what you plan on doing if you decide to leave. Take care of yourself!

[lgirl]

riorosie, let me get this straight, your husband not only has casual sex, he rubs yr face in it too? he is a total b****** for treating you the way he has. i hate to say it, but there is no working on yr marriage to save it. i know it's hard and you feel you still love him, but are you happy loving someone who clearly doesn't love you and, by the sounds of it, doesn't even respect you?

 

are you sure it's not b/c you feel dependent on him, feel it's better the devil you know, are too you're scared to leave? is it really love that's keeping you there? as someone who's parents divorced, i can also testify that it's better for parents to split up when the marriage deteriorates than try and work it out for the kids. you also need to provide them with a good female role model - they're not blind. they can see you're unhappy, that your "beaten down" - what kind of messg is that sending?

 

also, the fact that he asked you about sleeping with her once a month tells me that he was just paying lip-service - he has every intention of seeing her whenever HE wants, he just wants you to agree to the "once" a month so he can get away with more. what an AH!!

 

I guess that it hurts me to think that if I leave him that this Bar Fly will be in my home, reaping the benefits.

she WON'T reap the benefits, so don't be scared of that. your husband is a fool and out of his depth with the Bar Fly. she is looking to screw him over first chance she gets - goes with the territory. plus she'll only stick around while he can flash the cash and that won't be for long if you take him to the cleaner's - no less than he deserves!!! saying that is not going to make your pain disappear, but it might help you to remember she only sleeps with him FOR MONEY/a room NOT b/c she's in love with him or thinks he's a wonderful guy. she prob despises him like all the other johns - another sad sack who needs servicing!! this is not a love match for her and IF she ever moved in she's going to rinse him good and proper: he won't know what's hit him, haha. he is no match for a woman whose survival depends on her sleeping with men for $$s.

 

you might feel like you're whole world is falling apart right now, but you are the 'winner' in all of this. once you gather yr strength and make the right decisions for YOU and move on with your life, he's going to be left feeling very sorry - and poor and very, very lonely. he will be the one with regrets - look how he's missing out with his kids already. right now, you're feeling depresses, but you will get angry (you must allow yourself to) and then you can figure out how you're going to make him pay!!

 

in the meantime, please do NOT sleep with him, NO MATTER what he says - you have to anticipate he will want to protect his 'earnings' and will prob say anything to convince you. be prepared for the full act. don't fall for it. if he had one ounce of love for you he couldn't treat you this way. i'm so sorry that's not the case, but you deserve better than that creep.

[conkatliz]

Only you know what is in your heart, and how much pain your heart can handle.