I need advice

[liasonred]

Hello all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I need some advice, ideally from someone who has experienced something similar.

 

Me and my Fiance split up in April 05 we had been together for just over 7yrs. We split beacause she felt I loved her more than she loved me and that I deserved someone better, also because she was attracted to someone else and that too was wrong. We split I was heartbroken and moped around for a while. I immediately started NC as I wanted to heal, made no attempts to get her back or find out what she was doing. She made various attempts to contact me via text which I ignored and eventually changed my number, she then started to mail me. When I got a mail saying "Please please respond" in the subject I took a look. She said she wanted to met up and give me an explanation.

 

I gave in and we did... She got together with this other guy and moved in with him about 2 months after we split. She wanted to tell me how unhappy she was, that she cries herself to sleep and that she could never love anyone the way she loved me. We started hanging out and she moved out of this guys place and said she wanted us to get back together. I was a little skeptical but still loved her and we started to sow the seeds for another relationship. There were family pressures so we took it slow and were a little secretive. When we got passed the "could it work again" phase and everything was great she decided she couldn't be who she wanted to be because of me and needed to be alone. I told her to delete my number and leave me alone.

 

Again I went NC from Oct to last week when she managed to get through to me by text wanting to know if I was ok. I agonised over what to do and because of the season replied. She started to tell me she had a dream about me and that she really missed me. On thurs she asked to meet cos she had christmas cards for me and my family and a present for our cat (which I take care of although it's her cat). It was the same story when we met. Back with this other guy, unhappy still loves me, no one can compare, crying her eyes out.

 

Help is all I can ask... I love her to bits, want her to be happy not sad but at the same time realise that I will never move on if she has this hold over me where I cave in. On the other hand If we do still love eachother and thats what we want I can't see why it can't workout. We had a great relationship, with ups and downs but both of us realise the love we had is hard to better and seem stuck in an emotional knot.

 

I refused the cards and told her that if she really loved me as much as she says and wanted us together her actions would speak louder than works. If not I will stop responding when she calls with an attempt to contact which plays on my emotion. I care deeply for her and worry for her but she left me.

 

Has anyone experienced similar who can identify with this and offer some pearls of wisdom??? I am 27 and she is now 29.

[G xx]

yes i have experienced this, i was with my boyfriend for years and then we split up with the same situation as you he felt i was to good for him as i gave a lot of love but he couldnt love me back in that way anymore as we had gone through a rough patch that he couldnt get out of his head,

what i say to you is to BE CAREFUL!! it sounds as if your ex girlfriend really does love the thought of being in love with you and its not fair that she can move on (but at the same time keep you waiting in the wings with the occasional text) and return to you - still waiting for HER to make up her mind,refusing to speak to her and ignoring her texts will surely make her think hmmm why isnt he at my beck and call, but as you have said yourself as soon as you get back in touch it all cools down again, thats because shes got you back were she wants you ! take control and take yourself away from your job your life and every day stresses somewhere that you can take time out to think of YOU and what YOU want-even if it upsets you, the thought of being single !! sure its great when you get back with someone and it works out, but can you possibly see this happening with your ex?? it will always be ing the back of your mind whats happened.

ive been single for a week now, and if im honest im upset all the time and it sickens me the thought of my now ex boyfriend being with someone else but i strongly believe that everything happens for a reason, and you just have to let fate decide.

good luck xx

[alphonsefa]

I'll share my pearls of wisdom with you, gained through much heartache. But I know the mindset you are in, because I was there too, and you are going to wind up doing what you want, regardless of what anyone tells you. This is long, but maybe you can see what a narcasisstic, selfish, b*tch I dealt with too.

 

I was with a girl that is in a 7 year abusive relationship. She had left the abuser to be with me, we hit it off, both had the same dreams and hopes, and had a slam dunk happy life planned out. Then out of nowhere she breaks it off and winds up back with the abuser. I call her a couple times and email her a couple of times, basically telling her what a mistake she just made and that she's going to ruin the rest of her life. But it's like communicating with a brick wall and she wants no part of me, so I go total NC on her. Two weeks pass and I get this hysterical message left on my machine about how miserable she was and how sorry she was. Like you, being in love with her, I take her back.

 

Christmas of last year rolls around, we have a great day together. That night she starts crying in bed because she thought I was going to get her an engagement ring. I would've but the first incident of her taking off happened just a month earlier, right before Thanksgiving. We had only been back together for 4 weeks, how could she expect a ring after what just went down?! So, the day after Christmas, she's in a mood, and I couldn't have scratched my A** without her having a comment about it. I wound up telling her off, she had been acting badly the entire 2 weeks leading into Christmas too. Call her a couple of days later and she breaks it off again! Again, I call and try to work things out, but she wants to hear none of it. She was cold as ice on the last phone call to me and I said to her, "thank God, you did me such a favor, you b*tch". Referring to thank God I seen it now before I wound up married to her. After we hang up, an hour later my phone rings and I let the machine pick it up. She rips my heart out with lines like, "unfortunately I fell for the dream quicker than I fell for you", "you need to keep going out until you find someone", "I didn't like who I was when I was with you", and the killer, "it just wasn't there". So with that message of hers I again went NC.

 

End of January comes and I get a call from her, telling me that she's filed for her taxes electronically. She owed me $700 that I had lent her for bills and my last comment to her was, "call me when you have the money"; I didn't need any details about the process of how she's getting it. Obviously it was an excuse for her to call me. The next day she emails me, "should we try again"? I tell her to call me, and she does that afternoon. She thanks me for not hating her but doesn't want to talk about any issues. A couple of days pass and I invite her for dinner the following week. She is as excited as a little school girl to get the invitation. Then 2 days before dinner she calls to reschedule, claiming she's too busy with work (total BS story, she was in a depression spiral and was in that "I want to be alone" frame of mine again). I call back and tell her to forget it all together. She admits she's depressed and doesn't want anyone in her life at this time. I say, "fine, good luck with that depression thing", and then hang up.

 

Two weeks later she calls to tell me she wants to drop off the money. When she comes over she hands me the money and thanks me. She says, "it's not my fault", referring to the depression spirals she falls into. I say to her, "you know, maybe it's me but I could've swore you were pretty damn happy when you were with me, in fact even your family and co-workers commented about it. She says, "yeah I've been thinking about that a alot". I try to escort her to the door, yet she doesn't look like she wants to leave. She asks for a hug. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex. She calls me that night telling me how incredible it felt and that she can't get the feeling out of her mind. I play aloof from that point on and she starts calling me, wanting to come over and hang out. So for the 3rd time we hook up again. All is well for a couple of weeks, and then here comes that mean, nasty, streak of hers coming out again. When we were back this 3rd time she had told me that she went back with the abusive Ex on New Years Day. I had no idea of this and it pissed me off to no end. She cried in bed about not getting a ring from me yet, and then a week later she jumps back in bed with a guy that crapped all over her for 7 years. I tell her she's a sick (4 letter word begins with F) for doing that. And that he was a sick F for treating her the way he does and she is a sick F for always going back. Then I tell her, "next time you get depressed, "don't call me"! She looks at me with hate and says, "I'll never call you again"!

 

Three months pass and she calls, "to see how my new job was going"? Yeah right! We keep the conversation strictly to careers and don't touch the subject of us at all. I let 3 weeks pass and stop at the mall where she Manages a store. She is warm and friendly, we talk for about 10 minutes and end on good terms. Again, I let 3 weeks pass and then call her to see if she had gotten the promotion she interviewed for. I get one word answers, and the conversation ends in about 1 minute.

 

Five months pass and brings us to this December. I decide to stop at the mall again and feel her out, see if she had changed at all. Nope! She was back and forth with the abusive boyfriend again and all she remembered of me was my last comment that she was a sick F. What?! We talked 2 times after that and were on good terms, did she forget about that?! So she tells me she lost interest from the time I made that comment and then she walked away and went behind the counter. Being irked from her rudeness, I leave one last message on her machine asking, "why do I get treated with such a double standard"? The abusive Ex, mentally abused her, physically abused her, sued her brothers when they put him in the hospital after finding out about the abuse and won $8000 from them. He gets forgivienm and she goes back with him, yet my comment which was totally justified, is what she remembers. She totally discounts how well I treated her and her daughter, and I did, I treated them great. In fact, after the one breakup she called me to tell me that she was pathetic and that I was the greatest guy in the world and treated her better than anyone ever has.

 

So what you are dealing with is an emotionally unsatable woman, and guess what, it doesn't get any better, it just gets a lot worse! My advice to you, learn from my mistakes, and cut your losses. Ignore her, she's greedy and cares only about her needs. She is uncapable of true love, in fact the word is foreign to her. This woman will continue this yo yo routine with you for as long as you allow it. You are like a toy to her that she picks up when she's bored, then when she's had her fill, she dumps you again until the next cycle comes along. Get out my man, it is not a healthy relationship you are in and she's going to hurt you a lot more if you stay around. Good luck!