confused

[wbrisett]

This week while cleaning I found my first love's business card she had given me 10 years ago. I thought it would be nice to say hello. We were high school sweethearts. We dated for 3.5 years and every relationship we've both been in, we always rate against that one.

 

I sent an email to her and just wanted an update of what was going on. I'm married and have a child and simply wanted to see how things were. She wrote back and stated that I "found her" and that she would write more when she had the time. I also found a bunch of stuff I wrote for her a long time ago (22 years to be exact). I hadn't thought of her in a long time. Our relationship was one where she held all the keys. She always held total control over my emotions. Revisiting my writings reminded me of this and brought back a lot of those memories. For days I wrote to her got short responses back. I couldn't sleep well, didn't eat well. Generally I was and still am a mess.

 

I told my wife (this is my second marriage) and she knew of my past with this woman, but had hoped after 22 years my demons would be gone. What I've found is just the opposite.

 

With my wife's blessing, I taked with my ex-girlfriend for over 2 hours. We caught up with our lives (we hadn't spoken in over 10 years), and then we talked about what we were feeling. She is engaged to be married in September (her 3rd), but like me, has been wondering around in a daze all week.

 

My wife told me last night that she doesn't want to be #2. I understand that, but she doesn't understand the power this woman has over my emotions. No woman or person has ever been able to control my feelings the way she has. Now, I walk a narrow bridge. Unsure what to do. My ex and I both realize that part of this is because we left so many loose ends. Our relationship was never put to rest properly. And now I'm tormented by ancient feelings and don't know what to do with them. I love my wife, but I've never loved her the way I loved this woman. As I said both my marriages have always been measured up by this relationship. Maybe it's because it was my first true love, but I'm so confused.

 

-W

[novaseeker]

Oh dear.

 

Okay. The first issue is that you shouldn't really be comparing current relationships with past ones. You have to take each one as it is. If you do the comparison thing, the past relationship will probably win out because you tend to view things about it, after a while, through rose-coloured glasses.

 

Second, what do you mean when you say your ex controls your emotions? is that a good thing? Is that a healthy thing?

 

Third, the reality is that you are now married and have a child with your wife. The responsible thing to do is to not pursue this further with your ex, to realize that you have a life in real time now with your wife, and focus on that.

 

This happens sometimes with 'old flames'. It's hard because there is something special about that "first love", there is no doubt about that. But there were probably also things wrong about your relationship with your ex, hence she is your ex. There is a tendency to forget about some of those things and instead remember the specialness of her being the "first love", and then you get into the comparison game again, where everyone else in the world is going to lose because none of them will be your first love, after all.

 

So I would say, focus on your wife and family and not your ex.

[wbrisett]

Second, what do you mean when you say your ex controls your emotions? is that a good thing? Is that a healthy thing?

...

 

This happens sometimes with 'old flames'. It's hard because there is something special about that "first love", there is no doubt about that. But there were probably also things wrong about your relationship with your ex, hence she is your ex.

 

I have to say that controlling my emotions has never been a good thing. Yet, nobody has been able to do it. I was always in control, except with her. I find that to still be true.

 

We were young, she moved found a bigger city with more opportunities. This was her parents doing since they never really liked me. Funny thing is, I turned out a whole lot better than they ever expected. And my parents didn't like her, they always thought she was using me against her parents. When they pushed her to move to go to school away, it was because of me. Not because they thought the school was great. We often found ourselves getting back together, but needless to say the distance always got in the way.

 

I hear what your saying about my current relationship, my wife and I had a long talk about that last night. The problem is, she lacks the communication skills to tell me truthfully how she feels.

 

-W

[Tigris]

Looks to me like you've made a big mistake getting in touch with her again.You're jeopardising your marriage and the stability of your child!

 

My friend did something similar recently and she's been regretting it ever since!

 

I hope everything sorts itself out for you soon.

 

Good luck

[novaseeker]

I hear what your saying about my current relationship, my wife and I had a long talk about that last night. The problem is, she lacks the communication skills to tell me truthfully how she feels.

 

Alright, well you may want to work together on improving those communication skills. Third parties can help with that as well. It will do wonders for your relationship with your wife.

[ratherbesailing]

wbrisett -

 

Stop talking to your ex and let your wife know that you love her and that you aren't about to go running off on a whim. Just because you loved someone 22 years ago doesn't mean that you two belong together today. Everything seemed better when we were younger and there is nothing like that young love. I understand and miss it to, but it wasn't real. I married my first love and she ended up breaking my heart. I know I'll never love anyone the way I did her back then because it was all so pumped up and inflated in my young mind. It has nothing to do with the women, it is the way I think that has changed. I realize now that there wasn't anything special about her at all even though she's the one I was so deeply in love with.

 

You two didn't have to deal with all the stresses of an adult marriage and raising kids. You have no idea what she would be like as part of an adult relationship. You've got this ideal picture in your mind that no one could ever live up to.

 

I'm sure you guys would have a great reunion for a while but after a couple of years you'd be her third or fourth ex-husband and you'd be wondering why you ever left that wife and child when you had a good thing with them.

 

I wouldn't give too much thought to her confusion. Going into her third marriage, she's got plenty to be confused about. Wish her good luck and say goodbye.

 

Forget about it!

[kellbell]

Give her a chance and work with her on her communication skills. You owe it to your marriage and your child. Your wedding vows hold you to this. It's never wise to contact an old flame, especically when you know beforehand the kind of effect she is going to have on you. I think you are barking up the wrong tree and I feel sorry for your wife.

 

I would either work with her on how to communicate better or go see a counselor for some pointers. Take care and good luck.

[DN]

Communication skills are all very well but it surely doesn't take an expert in linguistics or psychology to realise how your wife must be feeling right now.

 

She deserves better than this and the fact she may not be able to articulate how she feels is no reason to hurt her. I think you should revisit your marriage vows, particularly the part about "forsaking all others".

 

I fear you made a big mistake opening up the past like that. You should think long and hard about your next steps. You could easily end up hurting people who have done nothing to deserve it, and at the same time making your own life infinitely worse.