The Ex apologised and now wants to help...

[Liquidius]

To cut a long story short, me and the ex split up about 8 months ago - and he did so because I was depressed, and was difficult to live with. We had been together for 2 years. The moment we split up, he went off with this best friend, and started sleeping with her, and spending every living moment with her. He refused to talk to me, and didn't seem interested that I was hurt at all. He seemed really happy, and it broke my heart because he didn't want to stick around and help me. He seemed to get over me really quickly.

 

In response, I leant quite heavily on my friends for help, and they helped, and gradually I started getting better. Just before I left in August, to start my first year at university, he suddenly started talking to me again. I didn't want to hold anything against him, even though I was so hurt and not over him at all - so I spoke to him, civilly. I thought that when I went to uni he just wouldnt bother talking to me anymore, but there was going to be a 2 hour drive between us. I was the only one of everyone that went away he attempted to, and continued keeping in contact with.

 

I've just come back from uni for christmas, and coming home has brought back loads of memories of what happened and hurt me so much this year. As a result, my depression has been a little bit worse, and when I was in a bar with him and my friend the other night, I just broke down in tears. He gave me a cuddle, as did my friend, and they spent most of the rest of the evening trying to cheer me up. As I left, the ex said I could phone him any time I liked, if I needed someone to talk to.

 

This morning, I was feeling really low, and tried phoning several of my friends, all of which I couldnt get hold of. My ex was the only person left, so I phoned him, and had a chat. I ended up breaking down in tears, I told him I was so sorry for how difficult I'd been and such. He started crying and said he was sorry he wasn't there for me. I continued saying that he didn't know how horrible it was, because he split up with me. He wasn't depressed and couldnt understand. He said it was a lot harder than it looked - and he didnt enjoy it, and that he's had a really tough time the last couple of months. He admitted sleeping with his best friend openly, but said he isnt doing it anymore and hasn't been for the last 3 months because it was just filling a gap that I used to fill. He said that he really wants to help me out, but that I just need to give him time (for what?)

 

I was talking about how this year had gone so fast, and how so many things had changed, I wasn't sure I wanted any more. I just want things to stay the same. He just said "you never know, things might go back and get better next year" (go back to what?!). This is all rather out of the blue, and a bit scary.

 

Whats going on? has anyone got any insight into the situaition?

[novaseeker]

He doesn't know what he wants.

 

Clearly hooking up with his best friend was a rebound situation, and he seems to have realized that now. What happens in those sitiuations is that the person doing the rebound just doesn't process their own feelings of pain and so forth relating to the broken relationship until later on, and I suspect he's going through that now ... it just delays things, really. The person who does the breaking up certainly has feelings of pain, guilt, failure, loss and all of that to work through, and my guess is that he didn't start working through them until recently and he's still working through them now.

[kellbell]

In the situation....actions speak so much louder than words. He left you during a really bad time in your life and he ran off with someone else without giving you a second thought. Now he is saying he is sorry, he didn't know what to do, etc, etc. Excuses girl, total excuses. A true friend or a partner would never concieve the thought of kicking you while you are down.

 

"but said he isnt doing it anymore and hasn't been for the last 3 months because it was just filling a gap that I used to fill. He said that he really wants to help me out, but that I just need to give him time (for what?)" This statement really bothers me and I am not sure if you have re-read it. This really shows the kind of person he is and doesn't give a second thought to others and how his behaviors are going to affect people.

 

I would really recommend NC with this guy because talking to him gives him the opportunity to give you excuses, tell you what you want to hear, thus making you feel bad and give in. But however you slice it or dice it, they are only excuses. I would stop calling him with you problems and tears, you are giving him too much to work with, stuff he can and is using to his advantage.

 

Continue to lean on your friends. They are much safer people to turn to and get support from. This guy is acting like the victim...don't let him. I would really consider working on you first and getting your depression under control...when you are down like that, you are only going to attract unhappy people, when you are happy and secure...well you are going to attract happy and secure people. So I wish you all the best and take care.