Many thanks, kindred spirits

[yme]

I have been mostly reading threads from all of you, hoping to find the Holy Grail of the winning-back formula, although I have posted a couple of times. Brief rundown, after 21 years she walked out on me for somebody 20 years younger than her.

 

A good number of the posts have talked about self-healing and reaching a stage where you couldn't care less whether the ex comes back or not. I didn't see that as a possibility because I was wracked with pain and self pity. I doubted the NC concept because I felt that it was necessary to let it be known that changes were taking place, but I stuck to it as much as possible; the only exceptions were in matters concerning our children and grandchildren

 

5 weeks have passed where I felt so dejected and incapable of doing anything but bleed and weep for myself. Yes, myself. Today, you see, has been my Eureka moment.

 

A major row erupted over my son not pulling his weight (he is 16, so it is only fair he turns a hand to help). Rather than speak to me she spoke to my daughter and son-in-law by phone. I was in a different room, but when my daughter raised her voice I couldn't help but hear. My daughter accused the ex of walking out on her family, and what did it concern her how domestic affairs were conducted in my house, now that she had voluntarily went AWOL from her responsibilities. I tell you, I was glad that I was not on the receiving end of my daughter's outburst.

 

Well, it dawned on me that I was living with rows and fights for weeks before her exit, and I was on the verge of sending her packing in any case. All of a sudden I realised that I had graduated through the first stage of a broken heart. I was ANGRY *%^*£% ANGRY.

 

Angry at her for causing another fight, even although she is no longer a part of my household, and angry at myself for wasting almost 6 weeks in the depths of despair and self recrimination.

 

I am at the stage now, I really think, where it doesn't matter any more if she chooses to stay with this 'other' or not! I am truly asking myself, do I really want her back, to be put through all the hassles again?

 

I must take my hat off to all of those posters who made it plain just where I would be right now. I want to reassure others, those who have doubts, like I had, it does get better. Something will click to remind you that it takes two people to have a fight, and you haven't come through this without getting a few knocks that you held back from acting upon. The absent party has taken that action, but I would imagine that it played some part in your thoughts before D Day.

 

I'm not saying that I won't relapse; as I have been typing this I have wondered if I am determined to let go completely. To be truthful though, I don't care. You people who are still beating up on yourselves, believe what others have already said, you, too, will have your Eureka moment, and you will feel foolish for crying in your teacup.

 

I don't blame you for holding on. After every passing there is a period of mourning. Only being dumped isn't exactly the same as a death. With a death you KNOW there is no coming back. Being dumped is a matter of getting used to the idea that you could care less if they came back or not. As the more experienced writers have said, it takes time. And when you have taken enough time, THAT is when you will be struck with the obviousness of it all. The only one that is hurting at the moment is YOU, The dumper isn't, and I doubt the dumper even cares. If they do, it adds to their power, knowiing they still have a grip on you.

 

I thank everyone for pointing out that I would get here eventually, and I hope that I can continue to be able to offer support for you that come here to find it.

[DN]

You have taken a major step towards a better life.

 

And although you may not want your children to take sides (for their own sake) it must be comforting to know that your daughter does not blame you at least.

[yme]

True, I don't wish for the children to take sides, but my daughter stated the obvious, I believed. Just what had anything to do with her after she had walked out on the domestic scene?

 

And, to clearly indiacte that she is not taking sides, my daughter has invited the ex and her new boyfriend for Xmas Eve dinner.

[DN]

With you there - surely not?

[yme]

Not a chance. I would say 'no' if I were asked. No, I am going for Christmas Day.

 

I thought it was sympathy, at first, to save me cooking all the traditional odds and ends that make an English Christmas heart attack in three courses for myself and my son and his girlfriend. After my Eureka moment I am able to see it for what it is, a family get-together. (I hope so, anyway )

[Hope75]

I'm glad you are making progress. Time does help, as does the realization that you deserve more and can survive without her.

 

Keep up the good work!