still fighting with boyfriend

[kutekat100]

Been having a few problems with my boyfriend if you see previous posts, about him now filming porn. We have almost got over this problem although there has been constant horrible fighting for the last month. We are both tired and drained by the fighting. However we have always said throughout how much we love each other. There have been a few times when he's said he's not making me happy and he can't be bothered anymore but then will say he loves me so much and wants us to work out so badly. We have both been saying these things. Before he got the job we had been getting on so amazingly and he said he wanted to marry me one day and he couldn't bare to go three days without seeing me. However over this period of fighting he has also moved into a house with tow other 'bachelors' We are still fighting a bit but are getting back on track and he says he would like us to live together in about a year and a half.

 

However after yet another argument last night he has now said to me that he misses me a lot but he wishes that we could do things separately, and go out separately and that I would be okay with this. He says he still wants to do lots of stuff together as well but wants to be with his friends too. Of course I understand him wanting to be with his friends and this last week I haven't seen him at all and he has been with his friends every night. So I now wonder, have his feelings changed. Is he trying to let me down gently? It seems he has gone from wanting to spending nearly every day with me and getting married one day to now wanting to do lots of thing separately. He has never really been like this before? Could it be because he has moved ion with single boys, or because of all the fighting? I am worried about why the sudden change. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. It sounds petty now I have written it down, but it hurts that before he got his house he would spend a lot of time with me and now suddenly he just wants to be with his friends, yet he maintains that he loves me.

[registered]

So I now wonder, have his feelings changed. Is he trying to let me down gently?

I don't think so... it sounds like the relationship is changing but I don't think it is bad, it is just maturing and settling into something new.

Is he trying to let me down gently?

I wouldn't think so. Don't think the worst.

Could it be because he has moved ion with single boys, or because of all the fighting?

He probably just needs the space. He probably also thinks that it is going to be good for the relationship - by giving each other space you may be able to work things out better.

 

It sounds petty now I have written it down, but it hurts that before he got his house he would spend a lot of time with me and now suddenly he just wants to be with his friends, yet he maintains that he loves me.

It's not petty at all. You love him so you want to be around him - sounds ok to me!

I'd say that he does love you. I think he loves you just as much as ever and wants to let things sort themselves out first.

 

Don't think the worst - think the best.

Things are good - he says he loves you and wants to move in with you later on. Sounds good.

 

A small aspect of the relationship is changing, and it may for sometime. I think it will be fine.

[RayKay]

Well, relationships do change, and go through different times where there is a "readjustment" of sorts. It does not have to be a bad thing!

 

It is POSSIBLE he is pulling away a bit, due to his change in living, and due to the recent tension, to gather his thoughts a bit, and build his energy back up. As you know, tension can just leave you rather exhausted, and sometimes someone needs to pull back a bit before coming back stronger. It's a way to let things sort out and recuperate.

 

On the other hand, it is possible he is going through some time to sort out his feelings about you and the relationship...and you really should let him have that space as if that is the case, pressure will only make it worse, as it can be seen as a lack of respect and trust. Sometimes this too also strengthens the bond they realize they have with you.

 

It could also be as you are moving from honeymoon stage into that stage where the love either grows and builds, or it does not. After the honeymoon stage, people often will get back in touch with being with friends more, and doing things they neglected when they were too overun with the oxytocin chemicals from infatuation and lust. It's pretty normal, and if you can "let go" and do your own thing too, chances are much better that things will turn out just fine, as each of you appreciates that your partner respects your individuality and freedom, and you have more to bring BACK to the relationship.

 

I think he loves you, and he is trying to make things work, by taking some space, and going out with friends, so as to not feel "stuck" but also to re-energize and be his own person at the same time. Respect his space, do your own thing, show him you love him and appreciate him for whom he is, and have faith. Our futures are not determined by what we hope, but what we believe....our beliefs and thoughts have the biggest impact on the path our life takes. If you see this as positive, as a way to build a partnership and future together, things are MUCH more likely to work out just wonderfully.

 

Good luck.

[Avalon23199]

I went through this with my ex. (We ended because he was verbally and mentally abusive towards me and I couldn't deal with his addictions) We both wanted our space after we had our "honeymoon" period. It just sounds like your relationship is settling into a more constant and normal relationship. After spending every day together, he's going to want his space. But I don't think he's giving up on you.

[xxx]

Having read your previous posts it is very difficult to work out whether he is trying to ease himself out of the relationship or whether (in his view) you simply have unrealistic ideas about how much time he should spend with you.

 

We are only hearing your side of the relationship so its tough to work out his view of the relationship and whether he has any problems with your behaviour.

 

Having said that I would give him the space and see how things develop.

 

editted to say:

 

Oh - and maybe you should just enjoy the freedom to see your friends and do your own thing - but try not to spend the entire time worrying about him. If he is looking to end the relationship you can grieve it then - not before. I am guessing you are mega-faithful to him but life's too short to spend your entire time fighting when you are together and worrying about him/the relationship when you are apart!