Maybe i cant be just friends with you....(Long)

[petercrouch]

Ok guys, its time to sort this situation im in with this girl out because its bugging me!

Basically a few months ago, me and this gal liked each other! Everything was great, the only problem being we lived quite far apart and also her best friend liked me even tho i had no interest in her.

We spent a weekend together, but this other girl and her best friend were with us all weekend too, so i couldnt do something that we had talked about before hand which was go for the kiss! She told me before "If you want something to happen, the balls in your court, im not gonna stop you, i like a guy who takes control" But i didnt do this, i have to admit, i did bottle it, i had one oppurtunity to go for it, but i missed it (big mistake i know) mainly because i was thinking about her best friend and thought it would be a lil harsh seeing as the weekend was about her that weekend (Long story, but it was her weekend)

Anyway, we used to talk all the time (big mistake i know) but we always knew distance this girl were always a problem! We were once talking and she said "Its like shes yours, coz she found you first, its like shes yours" so i said "If only we met first" and she replied "I know, but you dont always get what you want in life!"

Then one day we finally got "Permission" from this other girl that it would be ok if we got together, great i thought, the gal i was interested in text me to tell me that her friend said she didnt mind, and at this point, i should of gone for it full steam ahead, no holding back, i should of said "Well theres nothing stopping us now, meet me blah blah" but instead i made another big mistake and thought about her friends feelings again i said something like "Well hopefully she will be ok with it, ill talk to her soon about it" I regret doing that now!

That weekend i think it was, she went to her friends birthday party, she came back and i found out she had got with this lad, i didnt mind too much, but it was a lil annoying!

From that moment on things went downhill, i think she thought wel this guy is here now, and theres no complications, so whats stopping me, whereas as he (me) is living a while away and theres complications, even if he is a better guy!

I tried getting her to meet me and she said she couldnt coz of money then she said "We had fun before, maybe we should leave it at that! I dont wanna ruin a friendship with a relationship that wouldnt work coz of distance and (her best friend)"

I was like fine, then!

But i made a massive mistake again, i became friends, and im in the friends zone, it was fine at first because after this gal turned me down i had this other gal who i was talking to that i started to get with, but i soon got bored with her and now my mind is back on this girl even tho im in the just friendzone with her and she has a bf who she calls "Nothing serious! And I know we wont last but its fun atm"

Im gonna tell her straight out "I cant be just friends with you" I know exactly how she will react she will say "Dont you think its just coz we get along so well? Just coz we have a relaxed friendship, dont you think thats all it is?"

Im gonna be like "No, i think its coz i like you, and i think i cant be just friends with you, so if your happy with your bf, take care!"

And im gonna try and cut contact with her! I dont think the fun we had and the fact that we liked each other could of just changed like that! If it doesnt get her back at least ill soon forget about her!

I know telling a girl you like her etc is wrong, but i dont wanna be just friends! Am i doing the right thing, she thinks im over her now and that we can be just friends, i have to let her know i want her and i dont wanna be friends!

Am i doing the right thing?

Ta very much for any advice

[ShySoul]

Ok, lets take this a step at the time.

 

You didn't pursue a relationship out of respect for a friends feelings. That wasn't a mistake, it was very noble of you. Others will tell you she didn't have the right and you should have forgot about her and went for it. But I say that in not going for it you demonstrated yourself to be a real man who puts other people's feelings first. This kind of attitude, while it stinks in this situation, is going to serve you well in the future.

 

Talking all the time was a good thing as well. Others will say you got to close and now she will never see you as more, but in my experience a girl wants a guy who is there for them and with whom they can spend hours talking to. So that was a good thing, not a mistake.

 

Distance would have been an issue no matter what. The girl sounds like she is someone wo expects the guy to be there all the time for her, wants the guy to do everything. Chances are even if she likes you, she would have complained that you never get to see one each and that would have been a major hassle.

 

Also, if she was really serious about you, why would she get with another guy so fast after the other friend freed you up to be together? Either she had second thoughts or those doubts were there long before and once faced with the possibility of something, she bolted.

 

You got bored with the other girl? That's not a very nice way to talk about her.

 

She openly admits that she won't last with her boyfriend and is just using him to have fun for awhile. This after she ran from you pretty quick. Seems like she isn't ready for a real boyfriend. If you got with her, how long do you think before she says that it won't last with you but you are fun for now?

 

Telling a girl you like her isn't wrong if thats your feelings. But when you look at her attitude, what exactly do you like about her? What is it about her that makes you want to be her boyfriend, knowing how she is treating her current boyfriend?

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

well, its seems like you like her so much.. But first let me tell you that you didnt make a mistake when you took care of other people's feelings.. However u took alot time in this process.. If i was in your place, i was going to be with the girl i like..

 

Its nothing wrong when you and the girl you like get together.. I know you cared for the other girl's feelings.. but dont let it affect your relationship with the girl you like.. I know its late for telling you so.. but i believe that you can be together again..

 

You and her liked eachother.. Good.. then try to make things better.. she could just see you as a friend now... i know but it will TAKE TIME.. Iam not going to tell you play games.. but try getting close to her as u were before.. It will take longer time to be in the same spot again and it wont be easy for you to see her with another guy.. but forget this guy now.. its about you and her.. Since you are already now in the friends zone you cant just jump to more than that in the moment.. Due to the mistakes you have done it should take time..

 

Also dont expect too much.. Just try to have a good friendship without being too needy for sure.. Just be someone who she likes and respect.. and show that you dont need anything more from her.. Dont think about the results you will get.. Forget about it now and if things going to happen you will realize it in the good time.. Goodluck

[annie24]

My take on the situation: There is nothing wrong with telling a girl straight out how you feel about her.

 

I know telling a girl you like her etc is wrong, but i dont wanna be just friends! Am i doing the right thing, she thinks im over her now and that we can be just friends, i have to let her know i want her and i dont wanna be friends!

Am i doing the right thing?

 

If you want to be more than friends, you need to TELL HER how you feel. She can't read your mind, you know.

 

From my perspective, once you had the other girl's "permission" you should have just gone for it. However, saying :

 

"Well hopefully she will be ok with it, ill talk to her soon about it"

 

Really wasn't a good move, and now you see why. Now, it seems like you care more about the friend than you do her, and that's why this girl decided to go off and meet another guy. You have to seize the moment!

 

I've been in similar siutations before. For example, last year, I had a crush on this guy, and I had a feeling he had a crush on me. We'd constantly text and e-mail each other, but he never got around to asking me out on a date. I'd leave wide open hints, (ie, "Wow - I really want to see that movie!" or "I've never been to that cafe - I would really like to go there!!!)

 

And nothing - he never made a move. It was rather perplexing as I thought intially that he was interested, but after leaving the door wide open, he didn't step in, so to speak, so I lost interest and moved on.

 

What this other guy has that you don't have? He probably just took the initiative and asked her out when he got a chance.

 

I think you should tell her how you feel, make a move. Women do like a man in control. She herself said she doesn't things between her and this new guy being very serious. That is another sign that she is hoping you might try to make a move on her. I've said that also to guys I've liked when I was dating someone else. "I'm dating this guy, but it's just for fun. It won't last." To me, that mean, "Ask me out soon so I can break it off with this guy!!!"

 

Make a move - tell her you like her.

 

good luck

[Dating Coach]

Peter, welcome to enotalone. Sounds to me like you know mostly where you messed up, but just didn't act at the right times. let's take a look:

 

Basically a few months ago, me and this gal liked each other! Everything was great, the only problem being we lived quite far apart and also her best friend liked me even tho i had no interest in her.

 

Her friend liking you really shouldn't be a problem. I understand that you are concerned about her feelings, and I find that noble of you, but you aren't interested in this girl so thereforeeee nothing would ever happen between the two of you. Regardless of you getting with her friend or not, she isn't going to be the one getting you, so why should this stop you from getting together with someone when you both want each other?

 

The very first thing you could have done was pull that friend aside and tell her your honest feelings, and tell her that you are going to ask out her friend.

 

Once that talk has taken place, you then consider the matter settled and you go after what you want. You only live once, and who knows if this girl could have been your life partner. You don't want to miss your chance over something like this. Handle it the best way you can, and then go for it.

 

We spent a weekend together, but this other girl and her best friend were with us all weekend too, so i couldnt do something that we had talked about before hand which was go for the kiss!

 

One thing that stands out to me is that you are talking to her about the kiss. This puts a lot of unneeded focus and pressure in making the move. Don't talk about the kiss, just go for it when you feel like you want to, and the situation will flow naturally.

 

As far as her friend being there, I don't know why she brought her friend around, but before the plans were made I would have asked for alone time with her. Having the friend added to the picture only complicates things for you.

 

She told me before "If you want something to happen, the balls in your court, im not gonna stop you, i like a guy who takes control"

 

HONESTY! She basically told you exactly what it was she wants, this is rare! She is telling you she needs a decisive man, not a confused little boy lost at every turn and unsure of himself. She wants someone to just go for it regardless of anything else, and she straight out told you this. You should have been golden...

 

What did you then do?

 

 

But i didnt do this, i have to admit, i did bottle it, i had one oppurtunity to go for it, but i missed it (big mistake i know) mainly because i was thinking about her best friend and thought it would be a lil harsh seeing as the weekend was about her that weekend (Long story, but it was her weekend).

 

While this was once again very nice of you, you didn't do what this girl said she wanted, and you didn't do what you said you wanted to do either. If she ever gave you another shot after this, I would be surprised because you showed her that you aren't willing to step up and go after what you want, and that is the guy she was looking for.

 

As far as her friend goes, again, this matter should have been settled a long time ago. You already know that from your end there is interest towards her, yet her feelings are interrupting your progress with the object of your affection. If you would have cleared up with this girl that it won't happen and that you want to go for her friend, then this wouldn't have been too much of a problem.

Another thing you could have done is brought along a buddy to hook her up with. This way she is meeting someone else to focus on and isn't the 3rd wheel during "her weekend".

 

Anyway, we used to talk all the time (big mistake i know) but we always knew distance this girl were always a problem!

 

You are right, and good job in understanding that you are right with this statement. She was very interested in you to start off with, but as you have noticed, you have only further and further delved into being "just friends" rather than the guy she has romantic interest in.

 

Some people will tell you this is not a big deal, but I think you are already very aware of the facts here. You once were a romantic interest of hers, and now you are not. That right there tells you that those people are wrong.

 

We were once talking and she said "Its like shes yours, coz she found you first, its like shes yours" so i said "If only we met first" and she replied "I know, but you dont always get what you want in life!"

 

Way too much TALKING ABOUT IT! She had already told you that she wants a man who will actually do something with the ball in his court. She told you she wants a man who will go for what he wants. Instead you keep "talking to her" about it all. I think she was wanting actions, not words, yet you kept coming up with excuses on why you haven't acted and kept talking to her about this, to which I am sure she got sick of. She was tired of waiting. She told you she liked you, she told you she was ready, and you were shuffling your feet around in confusion. This is why she moved on and started dating other people. I bet her and the new guy have already moved beyond talking about what they want to do, I bet they actually do it.

 

Then one day we finally got "Permission" from this other girl that it would be ok if we got together, great i thought, the gal i was interested in text me to tell me that her friend said she didnt mind, and at this point, i should of gone for it full steam ahead, no holding back, i should of said "Well theres nothing stopping us now, meet me blah blah" but instead i made another big mistake and thought about her friends feelings again i said something like "Well hopefully she will be ok with it, ill talk to her soon about it" I regret doing that now!

 

For one, this step of getting "permission" was well over do. Second, even when you got permission you were still caught shuffling your feet. She told you that she wanted a man of action, and you never acted. She moved on. Sorry buddy, but I think you are well aware of all of this, and she was right in leaving. You were given far too many chances.

 

That weekend i think it was, she went to her friends birthday party, she came back and i found out she had got with this lad, i didnt mind too much, but it was a lil annoying!

 

I bet it was. He did what you wanted to do right away and without fear, and she liked it.

 

From that moment on things went downhill

 

No, this had been going downhill long before this point.

 

I think she thought wel this guy is here now, and theres no complications, so whats stopping me, whereas as he (me) is living a while away and theres complications, even if he is a better guy!

 

She was thinking, "Here is a guy who won't shuffle his feet and stumble around in confusion and make excuses about getting with me. This guy says he likes me and then proves it with his actions!"

 

I tried getting her to meet me and she said she couldnt coz of money then she said "We had fun before, maybe we should leave it at that! I dont wanna ruin a friendship with a relationship that wouldnt work coz of distance and (her best friend)"

 

That's her answer, and it's a big, "No Thanks, you had your chance." Can you blame her for this? She gave you more opportunities than most girls ever will. I hope you learn from this.

 

Im gonna tell her straight out "I cant be just friends with you"

 

While I do not agree 100% with that, it is still the smartest thing you've said so far. If you say this to her, you make yourself look too much like a helpless victim, and that's a weak position to be in. Instead, when you talk to her, you can talk from a position of strength. If you can't take being friends with this girl-especially when she is not interested in you, then tell her:

 

"Hey, it's been fun, but I am looking to get into a relationship with a girl and I want to focus my time on meeting someone who is interested in me. I'm going to be hanging out with the boys more and I can't have friends who are girls hanging around me and making me look unavailable. I'll see you around."

 

And you have to show conviction. If you look unsure or hesistant as you have in the past, she isn't going to take you seriously. She's already told you she likes the strong confident guy, so any hesistancy or second guessing of yourself is going to make you look weak in her eyes. It's even harder because she already sees you like that.

 

Also, doing this tells her that you are no longer focused on her, but are focused on meeting someone. This sudden change of who has control in the situation between you two can only help you out. She wants a strong man but right now she sees you as a guy who is lost in his feelings for her-and she has moved on. That means she is in complete control in actions between the two of you. By you telling her that you aren't going to be seeing her enough and that you are looking for someone else, suddenly it is you who is making the decisions (the kind of guy she likes!) and she has to evaluate whether or not she can take losing you. If you have any shred of chance left with her, then this is what must be done, but honestly IMO I think this is a lost cause. She's made up her mind IMO, but if she can change it, then she needs you to start taking the initiative to pursue what it is that you really want to pursue. No more confusion. If she throws a fuss about you leaving then tell her straight out to dump that loser she is seeing right now and go out on a date with you, otherwise you are not wasting your time. That's the decisive actions she wants.

 

This is my opinion, and based on everything she has told you and has done I think this is the best thing that you can do. Good luck brother!

[PocoDiablo]

If I were to reply, I'd just repeat everything DiggityDogg said ...

[petercrouch]

Ok guys cheers for the responses

 

Ive decided im gonna go for it before she goes on holiday tomorrow, obviously coz of the distance i cant see her, so a text is the only option!

 

(To the guy above, great advice and everything but i think you failed to realise that i had to talk to her, we couldnt see each other because of the distance, so all interaction was texting and msn really, we met once for a whole weekend which was fun and i mentioned that above)

 

one more thing i forgot to mention, i had a chat with her a while back and told her about how i couldnt stop thinking about her while i was this other girl, i said i didnt think it was because i wanted her but probably things reminded me of her and i couldnt then get her out of my head! She agreed!

 

I also mentioned how i was finished with girls and taking a break so to speak because i thought all girls were a lil crazy! she thought i was stereotyping all girls to have problems and said she wasnt happy about this view of mine! She also called me complicated and confusing when it comes to these things! It all ended jokingly tho!

 

Does this change anything? Is there anything to say about these two new things ive posted?

 

Thankyou for anymore advice please!

 

Ill come back and check this just before i send the text in about 10/11 hours time before she goes on holiday!

 

The text im sending is this...... what do you think?

 

Before you go on holiday, i need you to know that i wanna be with you millie, god knows why, but i do, i maybe confusing and complicated, but this is one thing iam sure about, im not giving up! Maybe i cant be just friends with you... Have a great holiday! x

[annie24]

YIKES!!!!! Is my response, as a woman!!!!

 

No no no no no no no.....

 

First off, I don't like that text. It would make me think, "what a weirdo." I want a guy to say to me, "I want to be with you because you are so wonderful and there is no other woman quite like you, and you make me happy. I don't care if you live far away, I want to make things work." I don't want a guy to say to me, "I like you, god knows why." Blah. Yuck. I'd say, "F off buddy!"

 

The 2 other things you added don't really change anything, apart from making the situation sound a bit worse.

 

 

 

translated: I'm dating other girls but thinking of you. I don't know. I just find that kind of yucky.

 

 

 

If a guy told me that he was taking a break from dating, I would see that as a clear cut signal that he isn't interested in dating ME. Or that he has a ton of things going on in his life and he doesn't have the time or energy to date. Either way, I would move on. I also don't like that you grouped together all women. I don't ever say, "all men are like this or that..." because not every group of people can be like this or like that.

 

ug. definitely - write her something a tad bit more romantic and decisive in the text. Better yet, call her.

[ShySoul]

we couldnt see each other because of the distance, so all interaction was texting and msn really, we met once for a whole weekend which was fun and i mentioned that above

 

Distance adds new dimesions. Talking with her was the best thing to do. Well, its always best, but in this case you had to do it. So, say talking about kissing her, that was a good move. I was interested in a girl but with distance we couldn't see each other. So we had to say things like that either online or on the phone to progress the relationship. You were right in what you did.

 

one more thing i forgot to mention, i had a chat with her a while back and told her about how i couldnt stop thinking about her while i was this other girl, i said i didnt think it was because i wanted her but probably things reminded me of her and i couldnt then get her out of my head! She agreed!

 

Saying you are thinking about her while with other girls can be a sweet comment depending on how you say it. If you say, "I went out with this girl, but I think I would have had more fun talking with you," that can be ok. But in saying that it wasn't because you liked her, thats not good. You told her that you didn't like her, which doesn't help you if you really do like her or start liking her. You want to leave doorways open, not say things to close them.

 

I also mentioned how i was finished with girls and taking a break so to speak because i thought all girls were a lil crazy! she thought i was stereotyping all girls to have problems and said she wasnt happy about this view of mine! She also called me complicated and confusing when it comes to these things! It all ended jokingly tho!

 

I take it you were serious? If you had done it jokingly, it could have worked. I've said something similar about giving up before as a joke and it was ok. But in saying that girls are crazy you say she is crazy. She took offensive to it. What you want to do is compliment and be nice to a women, not border on insulting them. She's apt to take you for a jerk.

 

Before you go on holiday, i need you to know that i wanna be with you millie, god knows why, but i do, i maybe confusing and complicated, but this is one thing iam sure about, im not giving up! Maybe i cant be just friends with you... Have a great holiday! x

 

God knows why? That is your downfall. When you say you like a girl and want to be with her you need to be nice, honest, polite, and heartfelt. Again, you are too blunt and your tone can be taken as insulting.

 

"Before you go on holiday Millie, I want you to know that I've thought about things and I've realized something. I really like you and I want to be with you. Sometimes I might seem confusing and complicated, sometimes I might not say the right thing. I know I let past chances slip by. But I'm willing to take one more chance and see what can happen. I'm not giving up. I'm trying to be just friends, but my heart still wants more. We'll talk about it when you get back. Until then, I'll be thinking of you. Have a great holiday."

 

I've written similar letters that always seem to get a good reaction. Hope you like the revision.

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

listen to shysoul.

[ShySoul]

Thanks PureSpirit. Any similar story, experience, or some ideas of your own to share? More advice the better.

 

Peter, I applaud your desire to follow your heart and go for it. And I think its something you need to do for yourself. However, what I said on my original post stands. I wonder if she is really someone right for you. And I know first hand that distance can be a major problem. So do what you need to do, but be aware that there are things that could make this difficult at the very least.