I'm making a mess of this!!

[Jayman]

I have been seeing this great women over the last 4 months , she lives about 10 hours away and accross a boarder to another country ( Canada - USA ) , she has been here to my home once to see me , we had a great time ( Spa , shopping , China Town adventure , movies , flowers.....) before she left here In Nov she said she loved me a lot and wanted to be with me forever , well you know how that goes , Its all great In the beginning , and things get said that we really mean at the time , but can change over time , well I'm very cautious about long distance relationships because I've had some past issues In this area ...

 

Well here's my problem , after she left to go back home , she started to have a problem with me , she says I dont comunicate properly and she wants to know more about me , I try to tell her but sometimes she forgets what I said , she tells me she really loves me but we might not be compatable and I might be too good for her , she wants to be here with me but she thinks Its not the right time , It seems like everything I say Is too sensitive and she worries that I'm taking everything she says negatively because shes so open and honest and sometimes blunt It can seem like she's being negative , I try not to take It that way , but when someone tells you " you always do this and you never do that" Its hard not to take It negatively ....We always fight about my inability to comunicate properly...I try to be understanding and tell her I'm sorry and I understand , I send her emails telling her I care for her and send her txt telling her I care and love her ..... She says that Its great , she loves getting little notes from me , but she feels she's not returning the effort I make , and she feels like shes not good enough for me ????? I feel like she's testing me sometimes .....

 

 

Well she's suppose to come her over Christmas with her 6 year old son , we already have the tickets for her flight here and we split the cost ... I know she Is very protective of her son and wants the best for them both ( her and her son ) and I understand that Its not easy to Introduce a new person Into her sons life ....She tells me I would be a great role model for her son...

 

I have told her I want things to work out between us , I want to take care of her and her son ..... she knows I have a great job and I own my home , I have money In the bank for a rainy day , I live In a good part of the city ( good neighborhood ) I'm stable , I dont drink or do any kind of drugs ...I go to the gym and keep In shape....

 

I've explained this all In a previous letter I wrote and I just wanted to add on to this , I'm so crazy right now , I dont know what to do , I'm making a mess of this relationship.....

 

The women that I have been seeing Is having some real health problems and now It looks like she's not going to make It for Christmas with her son , this all started about 3 days ago , she told me before we got into this relationship that she had problems with her health ( Diabetic type-1 and she's seaverly anemic and has Kidney problems and she needs a transplant In the future) ....

 

Well , I have be trying to be patient and understanding , but just the other night she called me late (12:30am) and told me that she might have to go for an operation and get a vein enlarged through a process that a tube would be inserted Into her arm so she can be ready just In case she has to be put on dialysis and her blood was really not good right now and she's very tired ...Well I got worried for her and she told me that she had to go back to the hospital for more tests ( blood work ) ...... All this Is very hard for her , and I have been a bit of a jerk In wanting her to contact me and let me know durring the day what was going on , when we talked tonight (12:30am again) I asked her why she didnt contact me earlier today ..... she said I'm making this all about me and I'm selfish and she's going through a lot and all I can think about Is me and was very angry at me and hung up the phone , and she's right , I was thinking about me ...... But I am concerned about her as well , I dont think she really understands how hard this Is for me , she's been going through this all her life , since she was 7 years old , this Is all new to me , I'm not dealing with this to well ..... I need help , I need to know how to deal with this whole issue ....

 

What am I to do , I love her and I'm not handling this too good at all ..... I had to look after my brother this year because he was sick , I thought because I could handle that with him , It would be easier to deal with this , but thats not the case , It feels so much like I'm so selfish ........

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'm sorry but this sounds a bit suspicious to me.

I understand you love her and want to help her out in everything but she seems to need constant reassurance more than a stable relationship.

 

You say you feel she's testing you and everything points to that being right, but one day you are selfish and the next too good for her?, I think she's being very irresponsible and has no control or order in her life and sadly she's passing it all to you.

 

In her defense maybe having a kid, being ill and not being sure of what she really thinks of the relationship you two have gives her that internal chaos but it's not something you can sort for her, and you definitely have to know you are not the one making a mess, you are offering her a life with you and it's up to her to accept or decline but not to make you feel like if things don't go how she wants them to it's your fault.

 

I say be careful, you're going too fast, 4 months and a visit is not enough time to know a person or if they are right for a family (both ways), give one step at a time, talk for longer before making any permanent decisions, the three of you (the kid included) can be left very emotionally damaged if you don't take the time to stop and see where this really stands.

[PocoDiablo]

Didn't you post this already?

 

[Jayman]

Thanks Stolenshadow for your reply , I'm starting to see I have been putting a lot into this relationship , and I've been setting myself up for a very big disapointment , I feel alone and hurt , but I'll get over It , she's not coming now for Xmas and I'm left here with all these gifts I bought for her son and her and my Xmas tree and a feeling of I mada a mess of this , but I'm the one to blame for having such hope and moving too quick , all I really wanted was a chance to see what a family was like , what a fool I am for being so hopeful and setting myself up for a fall!!

 

Its not her health that kept her from coming Its the Idea that we could not come to a agreement on certain issues and she's blaming me I guess ....

[stolenshadow]

Jayman, you shouldn't blame yourself and say it's all your fault or call yourself a fool, you thought it was okay to go fast because you didn't know this person very well (it was a cycle I guess) but this is very recent, other steps have to be made before seeing what went wrong and where.

 

I'm sorry she changed her mind about Christmas, but this will give you time to think, see things more objectively and try to see where you want to go with this woman.

 

The gifts and all, I'm sure you can share them with somebody, this is all just a personal point of view, that keeping things there will only hurt you and whether she wants to have a good relationship with you or not you have to carry on with your life.

 

Give it time, let things settle a bit, don't feel the need to rush an end or a beginning.