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Overcompensating for being gay...

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Does anyone else feel like they have to overcompensate in other areas of their life to "make up" for being gay?


I ask because I think I've felt, and acted, this way for a very longtime. Whether it be my education, my appearance, the way I conduct myself, or other things I always feel this inward compulsion to try and do everything to perfection...like, "Look, even though I'm gay I'm still just as good as everyone else!" And in the end no one really cares, and I don't think anyone knows this inner turmoil I'm feeling sometimes. I almost feel like I have to make it up to everyone...


I keep thinking that if I do everything correctly and be really, really, perfect that no one will judge me for being gay or anything...if that makes any sense?


Lately, I am giving myself permission to just be myself...but sometimes it is so hard when everyone around thinks that the way you are is wrong or bad...Ironically the first step in stopping my quest for perfection was admitting that I'm gay...

It made me think of one of the songs, from one of my favorite albums(Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morisette) called "Perfect."


sometimes is never quite enough. If you're flawless, then you'll win my love. Don't forget to win first place. Don't forget to keep that smile on your face.

Be a good boy. Try a little harder. You've got to measure up and make me prouder.

How long before you screw it up? How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up? With everything I do for you, the least you can do is keep quiet.


Those lyrics reflect EXACTLY how I feel right now. Sometimes I feel really happy and relieved about being who I really am...But I always feel like I am walking around with this facade, pretending to be something that I'm not. A lot of the times I feel like I'm an alien on another planet...Everyone is a heterosexual native and I'm an alien gay man. So I try to fit in as best I can...

Sometimes I don't think about it, but other times it just hits me like an iron girder...Which makes me try and be perfect...A weird and seemingly endless circle.

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Dont be so hard on yourself. I don't think its only the gay factor that pressures an individual to be perfect. I am not gay, but I have always felt this pressure from my parents to be "perfect" in school and walk around like I can't mess up, or else...


I think that everyone has an obstacle that makes them feel insecure about themselves (in your case, the obstacle is being a homosexual). I think its good that you set high standard for yourself, but at the same time, let the world accept you for being imperfect (I am not referring to being a homosexual, but to other imperfection in your life). Like you said, nobody cares at the end if you wear this type of clothes or those clothes, when it comes to respecting you. Unfortunately, people will always hold stereotype. All you can do is be your true self and hope that the world accepts you for who you are, even the imperfect You. If they don't...tough cookies....Live on, try your best but don't forget who you are in order to please the rest.

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Be the best that you can be and nobody can fault you. Be happy that you have tried your hardest. Do it for yourself and nobody else. At the end of the day you know you have not done anything wrong - you have not hurt or harm anyone. So if people find faults in you - tell them to go and look in the mirror. If they still bother you tell them to go and f**k themselves.

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Your feelings are perfectly understandable. And while I don't think these issues of overcompensation and perfectionism are problems that only gay people deal with, I think gay guys like us certainly have this idea of trying to compensate, or "make up for" the presumed "fault" of our being gay, being outside the norm, if that makes sense.


I've always been something of a perfectionist: always tried to get straight As in school and was disappointed when I got Bs; never got into trouble or colored outside of the lines like all my friends did. Hopefully you'll find, like I did, that coming out helps to quiet down a lot of this pressure -- the more you see yourself as perfect in your imperfections (not to suggest that being gay is an imperfection -- I mean it in the general sense of society's views of it as something of an imperfection), the more you'll find these feelings loose their power over you.


And you'll find that there are people out there in the world who don't care much for perfectionists and who'll appreciate you for the way you are, "warts and all" as the saying goes. I try not to let my sexuality guilt-trip me into overcompensating, and it is hard sometimes not to feel that way, but it seems to me that in coming out to yourself, you've taken that first, "one-step-for-man-one-giant-leap-for-mankind" step. And you've also recognized this relationship between your sexuality and your feelings of overcompensation, which is another plus.


-- a fellow "alien gay man"

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Thanks everyone!


I was having a serious bout with melodrama yesterday...lol.


Yeah, I totally think putting on a "face" for the public is a universal thing. It is just hard for people to be themselves in general...then add the whole gay thing to it.


The whole coming out process is tedious...but I think, in the end, I'll be a better person having dealt with all this inner angst...

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"Look, even though I'm gay I'm still just as good as everyone else!"

I do this to some extent myself. Often I listen to people's stereotypes of Gays and Lesbians and I have to think - Well, I'm personally beyond that, just look at me. Isn't that enough to prove it false (at least in one case if not a hundred more)?


I also do certain activities in order to avoid certain aspects of the sexuality. I guess I never really realized how sexually oriented our society is until I came out to myself and certains friends/acquaintances. For myself and family, I try my best in the educational and volunteer departments. Not only does it keep me busy and sane, but it avoids certain topics that would be nipping at my heels excessively by now.


Given my family, they're large on family values and children. Heh, well I can't quite say at the moment, "Sure mom, dad, I want a family. I imagine a couple kids with the perfect wife in a wonderful neighborhood in the future." It would most definitely answer the marriage and having found a nice man question in a short and sweet way.


I don't know how many times I used to be asked if I had found a special someone. A sibling or relative would be all over how cute a child is, and I'd say maybe someday and one of the parents will cluck about How once I get that right man in my life I'll be spending my days in bliss with several children. (Not my idea of bliss when there is more than two but if thats what floats their boat . . .)


Nonetheless, I guess I have an overacheiving tendency not only to avoid certain social "problems", but also that when they eventually find out someday somehow that I am a lesbian, they may disown me up to the point of my accomplishments. If I make a good deal of personal worth and help a community through my degree and resources then when people speak of it, can they really ignore what I've did? Sexuality or not, accomplishments are as is. At least those are my thoughts.


Not fulfilling Homosexual standards, its almost like a second job that has to be done. That I'm making padding for the fall for who I am. That I can't just be like the regular people out there because they don't have to come out, and thus I need something more to prove myself beyond the public and religious opinion. Anyhow, thats me on overcompensation.

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