Break up just happened, desperately need help!

[Erik]

Alright, I will give you the full detailive story of what has happened so that I can get the best results as far as responses go.

 

I saw this girl, Lacey, in passing for about two months before making a move to talk to her. I initiated the conversation on AIM, added her on Myspace, Facebook, etc. just to establish connection. We started talking on Instant Messenger and I asked her if I could come over, but she "had homework" (obviously playing hard to get) so I told her she'd have to have a better excuse next time. Sure enough, there was no excuse next time, so I went over and hung out for about an hour or two. She was great, and I already noticed a connection between the two of us that I hadn't had with a girl in quite awhile. The next night (Tuesday, November 15th) I talked to her on AIM and she said she was having a bad day, to which I replied "I'm on my way over" and headed straight over to her dorm, about a 5 minute walk from mine, and consoled her to feel better. I went to a chorus concert of hers, and the whole time she continued to glance over at me and smile occasionally. Things were going really well. Later that night we kissed, and I spent the night in her room. I was as happy as I've ever been. We made love about a week after, and I told her that I love her. That might have been step one of where I went wrong. Anyway, over Thanksgiving break she talked to me a few times and we had decided that we couldn't wait to see each other, so we went home early on Sunday and spent the whole day together. Things were going great, until December 5th when she Myspace messaged me and told me she was jealous and suspicious of me growing close with her roommate. I told her we'd talk about it later, when she got off work and when I was out of class. We talked about it, but to no avail...she told me she needed space, that she didn't think we knew each other well enough, and that things had gone too fast. I was confused, after having asked her if we broke up she said no, and asking if she wanted a break I also received a response of "no". The next day, she approached me while I was skating outside and told me I should come inside and warm up. I went in, and went up to her room, where she ignored me for awhile. I left, went to my room, and asked her what the deal was. She said she didn't really invite me up (lame excuse but whatever). Then I asked her about what she said hte other day, and she replied that yes, we were taking a break/breaking up. I didn't talk to her until the next day, when she repeated that we were breaking up. I still didn't receive an explanation of the real reasons and her real emotions. Finally, on Sunday night, I approached her to talk to her again. Monday night (December 11), we hung out for a bit and talked things out, I told her how I felt and after I played a song for her on piano we kissed again. We held hands going back to her room and cuddled when we got there, and things were good all night and the next day. She had a concert again, and I brought her chocolates, a copy of a CD of sentimental value to us, and a rose. She kissed me again in the elevator, and again before I left for the night. The next day (Wednesday, December 13th), she told me she just wanted to be friends, that she wasn't in any position to have a boyfriend because of all the stuff that's going on in her life right now. She has decisions she has to make that she doesn't want a boyfriend weighing in on, and she has a lot of things on her mind that she doesn't want a boyfriend bogging her mind down. She also admitted to having feelings for a friend of hers, but said that it would never go beyond friendship because they are too good of friends. I resolved to wait for her to be ready for a relationship, hoping that she might come back to me when she is. I saw her in passing the next day, I was with another girl, just a friend of mine, and we both said hi. I didn't see her again until Monday morning (December 18th), where I saw her and stopped to say hi. I was on my way to turn in a take-home final, and she followed me up when she could have taken a shorter route to get where she was really going. Since then, no communication. There is a three-week vacation coming up for the holidays, and I'm considering not initiating conversation at all over those three weeks, or possibly calling once a week just as a gentle reminder that I'm still here and I still care.

 

Where should I go from here? I really want her back and, even though it was a very short relationship, I feel like she is a person I could spend a long time with, a person I really love. Anyone with any advice, PLEASE help me out!

[melrich]

I can't advise you to do anything more than give her space at the moment. Obviously there is something in her head that is telling her this is not what she wants at the moment, probably nothing you do or say right now will change that.

 

Back off for a little while and see what develops.

[Erik]

I can't advise you to do anything more than give her space at the moment. Obviously there is something in her head that is telling her this is not what she wants at the moment, probably nothing you do or say right now will change that.

 

Back off for a little while and see what develops.

 

Thanks man. I also edited the post to put in a very important detail that got left out. It also helps that there is a big vacation coming up, three weeks, that I could just use as my excuse for not calling her and for not messaging her in any way. Think that might work?

[ocrob]

I do believe that you need to give her space. It sounds like she is confused and if you pressure her, then it will backfire. I just would not contact her at all and if she truly has feelings for you, then this will give her the time to figure things out. Dating in college is probably pretty hard. Good luck and don't pursue her right now. It does sound like she really cares, but you will both never know unless you give her space. Good luck my friend.

[Erik]

I was thinking that I will try my best to maintain NC now and over the holiday break I mentioned (3.5 weeks, we don't get back until January 16th). When we get back I may call her to attempt to hang out with her or talk to her, and hopefully find out where she stands on her life as far as decisions and * * * * bogging her mind down.

[Royltnxile]

I hate to sound harsh, but why are you all distaught over a chick who you spent less than a month hanging out with? I'm guessing that you made the fatal mistake of sleeping with her, then gushing all over her and telling her that you love her? (you said so in your post). That was your big mistake Erik...you told her you loved her waaaaaaaaay too soon and you scared the crap out of her probably.

 

Women respond to mystery and challenge. Telling her you loved her stripped any "mystery and challenge" away from you for her. Women do not respond to needy and clingy snivelling wimpy guys who gush all over them and confess their love for them after only a few dates.....

 

If you want any chance at all with this girl then leave her alone over break and be distant towards her when you return. Don't call her, you'll see her around I'm sure...then play it cool and don't throw yourself at her. Date other women as well.

[Erik]

When I see her, should I approach her and say something? If she calls over break, do I answer the phone? I obviously want to, but is that the best for my hopes of a future relationship with her?

[Erik]

I'm desperately going to want to call her on Christmas, but I have already promised myself that I'm not talking to her unless she calls or she texts or she IMs or whatever like that. Is that a problem, for me to answer the phone when and if she calls?

[novaseeker]

Not talking to her unless she calls is not NC, it's playing it cool.

 

It depends on what you want. If you want to really do NC, it's a two way street of really not communicating for a while, even if she attempts to contact you, rather than simply waiting for her to initiate contact.