Boyfriend/friend dilemma

[chigal28]

First, let me begin by saying that I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm not sure that will be possible....I also have a recent habit of giving up on relationships too soon--ie., as soon as they get out of the honeymoon phase and real issues crop up (probably because I stayed with one of my exes for four years, two years longer than I should have), so that's weighing on my mind as well.

With that said....I've been dating a really nice guy for about six months now, and generally speaking, things are good. I know he cares about me (not sure if he's IN LOVE, but I guess that's part of the problem), we have fun together, I get along great with his friends and family and he with mine. We've had our share of seemingly smaller issues, many of them related to the fact that I'm a passionate but somewhat insecure person when it comes to relationships--meaning I worry they're not happy, that they'll find someone else, that something they do/don't do/say/don't say/ means they're losing interest. Much of this probably comes from reading "He's Just Not That Into You" too many times, but I digress. Combined with his utterly laid-back attitude--which many times I interpret as a lack of caring--well, this is why we've had arguments, which usually end with him saying it's not an issue, don't worry about it, and trying his best to do or say whatever it is I say I needed--for a while. But then it reverts back, and I have to talk about my issues all over again, worrying all the while that I'm driving him away--vicious cycle, I know. I've been more open with him than I've been with anyone I've dated, really--he even knows about my fear of abandonment, and subsequently how scared I was to tell him about it.

Enter the issue. I've never felt completely secure and relaxed about him (which is different than feeling relaxed WITH him, which often I do), except on rare occasions, and I've been feeling more and more despondent and apathetic about things, which is NOT like me, as any of my friends would say. I've got a pretty nutty sense of humor and am upbeat and love making people laugh, but for about the past three weeks I've felt like I was losing that and sliding into a cycle of--not depression, persay, but feeling like I'm losing myself.

THEN....my very best guy friend, who I've gotten very close to intellectually and emotionally, but never even remotely physically, over the past year or so, confessed last week that he had started to fall in love with me--for absolutely all the right reasons. He is one of the most amazing people I know--kind, unselfish, extremely intelligent, artistic, hilarious, etc...also all things I could say about my boyfriend, I must add. But ever since he told me that, I've been feeling like my old self--and like a light bulb has gone on. I have to add that I had started to have feelings for him before he said anything, which I think is important to note. And then a few days after telling me how he felt, he sent me an e-mail telling me all the things that he loves about me--which by no coincidence, I think, are all of the things I value and love about myself. I felt wonderful--and the more I think about it, the more I think he and I make a good team. All of my experiences in the past have been that I meet a guy, and for whatever reason, within a week or two he's said he loves me or is falling in love with me...how, I don't know. That was the case with my current boyfriend. But I've never gotten to know someone completely and entirely, THEN had them say they love me...it feels so good.

The problem, of course, is that I've spent the past six months building something with this other very nice, wonderful person, and while I by no means want to throw that away, I've also begun to feel like that person doesn't really SEE me, or love me for WHO I AM. Not intentionally, he just has this "absent-minded quality" about him, and I feel like....a presense in his life, but not necessarily one that he'd do anything to keep.

I guess the upshot....if I had to say it in one sentence...is, I feel like my boyfriend and I don't connect in some indefinable way...and I know no one is a mind-reader, and communication is important, but the fact that I've been feeling so despondent...I don't know. Then along comes this friend, who I KNOW I totally connect with, who has told me in no uncertain terms that he loves me and wants to be with me....and wants nothing more than to make me happy. And I know him well enough to know that this is true.

When do I cut my losses with my boyfriend--or do I?--knowing that I always give up before seeing something through? I do not want to hurt anyone. How do I ensure that my reaction to my friend's confession--and also my feelings--aren't just the result of needing some reassurance?

I also must add that my friend knows my situation, and he said I should take as much time as I need to make the decision I feel is right for me.

Suggestions? I'm not going to see either of them for about two weeks as they and I are all going home for the holidays, so I have some time to think.

[robowarrior]

You definitly have trust issues. AND you don't love either of them, i mean for you its just a matter if a bigger fish comes along then you want to catch the biggest. Your current boyfriend (who you don't even know who he really is as a person at all) loves you completely, YOU on the other hand worry to much and put all kinds of layers on your love out of complete irrational fear that your current guy 'actually' would love you, no instead you 'distrust' him, and put him down with all your terrible comments of how that 'other' guy 'connect' on a better level. On a personal level although you know this one guy better then the other, you still could not get to know either one of them because you are too afraid to open your 'trust' to them. You see trust and getting to know someone takes time. I can see in one blink of an eye that your current bf's stance and style is just the way how he 'naturally' is. He's a laid back guy who is in love with you, this is in direct contrast with you , who are a person who's mind is like a washing machine , constantly 'rewinding' a picture over and over again to see how things could have been different, to look 'did i make a right decision' my advice is to turn off the washing machine in your head, press the off button, and enjoy your current boyfriend. I mean obviously (ask yourself the question) can you enjoy life when you are constantly worrying? NO, of course not, it would be evident that you could already be a very satisfied individual with your current boyfriend if you would just let your love grow for him, accept him for who he is and put your trust in him.

 

Now of course you decide with whomever you want to be , and logically if a better person comes along, many people would make the same decision. But with you, your not even in love with either of them. Its more of a jigsaw puzzle for you that you are trying to solve to get a pretty picture of your life. You are a person who should say to herself ' Im SATISFIED with what i have, every now and then. Appreciate and celebrate what you have ,instead of constantly looking what you don't have ok?

[Momene]

On this one, I agree with "Robo" 100%.

 

I don't think either of these guys are for keeps.

[chigal28]

Hmmmm, this is weird. I posted the original question about six months ago, in December, and I *just* got my first two replies to it....after the original boyfriend broke up with me and I got together with my friend (whom I'm still with). That's so odd....?

 

BTW Robo and Momene, you are completely right...my own mom says I'm going to worry myself to death. Which is why I've been in therapy the past few months working on that and a myriad of other things....including my need to control and overanalyze *everything*.....

[JustNormal]

The problem isn't with anyone outside of you. It's you, but it's not a big deal. If you reach the point where you can be happy with yourself- all alone- in the dark- then you will be able to contribute to a relationship with a guy.

 

If you "need" this or "can't live without" that then you are in no shape to pick anyone. You are essentially a ship adrift. You have to find out who you are and be happy alone before you can know what you want.

 

Let me say this again. You have to know yourself and be happy with yourself- be anchored- and then immediately you will know what you want. No questions. No guesses. No therapy. No forums. You will know. You are overanalyzing everything because you have nothing to hold onto. Currently, you are mirroring and reacting to everyone on the outside. You like him because he likes you. You want him because he told you something new. You feel better about yourself because he said/did this or that. No. No. Wrong. And more wrong. That's not the way.

 

This is a natural reaction when you are lost. The Universe is chaos if you don't understand it's basic elements. And that basic element in this situation is you. Deep ain't it. Yea.. my brain hurts too. Best of luck.