She thinks I am someone I am not (an outgoing person)

[registered]

Thanks Poco.

 

No, they don't. You have to make small talk first, get to know them, and if there is chemistry then you ask. If you don't get along, don't get buying signs, then don't bother. Not everyone will be interested. You have to qualify them first.

Ok, that makes sense and is doable.

 

Yeah, I expect it to go well, and so shouldn't worry.

 

If something else happens I'll post here.

[registered]

Why are you thinking about a "quick getaway?" The point it to spend time together and get to know her. Thinking about an escape plan is counter productive.

Yeah, true It was just about considering what I would do if it didn't go well.

Yep, I was over-thinking it all, getting a bit nervous.

 

And you don't want to seem rude by rejecting her offer.

Thanks, Ok, you are are right.

 

But the rare situations are the ones with the most and best potential. Why do you think things that are rare are valued so much? I think its better to wait for the right moments where things are more likely to go well then to be trying at everything and find that the majority of time you get bad results.

Again I think you are right, but I am just going to try and take every opportunity - I'll take the rare, but I'll also take the other ones and see where they lead.

My intention is to meet a nice girl but I also see this as an opportunity for self-improvement. I want to improve my social skills and meet lots of people and develop my people skills. I can't think of any other way to do this.

I also want to face the fears I have and become more confident.

 

It's not just about how not to construct conversations, its about how not to think about wanting or needing to get a date.

Yep I agree...I used to construct the conversations, I don't want to do it anymore.

I see your point but I may as well get a date with a girl if I can - it's just as likely that any girl, no matter how I meet her, is the one who I hope for.

I decided against waiting to meet a girl for two reasons:

1. I would like to improve my inter-personal skills.

2. I meet and talk to very few people and there is no way I would ever meet a girl if I waited (I would be lucky to talk to one person a day for 70-80-90% of the days this year, and then they would have been people I already knew)

 

All in your head. No one is thinking you are gay. Don't worry about or think you have to do something to prove your manhood.

I think it was a valid concern because of my personality and I believe girls have made this evaluation of me in the past. (The quickest way to become a friend with a girl is to say "Oh I like shopping too" or comment about a song that your mates would whack you accross the back of the head for listening to... I tend to do things like that just to be friendly... again this is me crafting conversation/relationships and it's something I don't want to do).

I obviously don't fear this evaluation, I can't change, but it is counter-productive to my intentions of getting closer to any particular girl.

[registered]

Thanks Diggity, thats good advice.

 

That's what I hoped was true.

I'm beginning to understand exactly how it is a good idea to go about doing this sort of thing.... respect, being relaxed and not over-thinking, and then letting whatever happens happen.

I'll get to the stage of being good at this one day

[ShySoul]

Yep, I was over-thinking it all, getting a bit nervous.

 

We all do it. Don't worry.

 

I think it was a valid concern because of my personality and I believe girls have made this evaluation of me in the past.

 

But what if you really do like shopping?

 

You can't control what other people think. If they are going to jump to that conclusion, there the ones with the issue I think. Just be you, stay cool, and have fun. Good luck.

[registered]

But what if you really do like shopping? I do actually, this is my favourite time of year lol.

Yeah, again I should just let it all be.

 

Thanks heaps ShySoul.

[ShySoul]

A guy who likes shopping? Forget anything else... you have your line right there. What women could resist you?

[registered]

Ok, um it's funny.

Three hours ago I was so angry, I don't remember being that angry in so long. Now, I'm pretty relaxed and happy.

 

 

So where I left off last time was that she would get back to me about coffee (turns out she had some other more important family stuff as possibly occurring on that day).

 

I was so pissed off earlier because I missed talking to her on the internet because I was out and left my computer on by mistake.

I was soooooo angry...she was going to contact me remember.

 

Well just now I got a text message saying she'd like to meet up tomorrow.

I set a time and place. She said ok.

(t is slightly tentative, but it should be cool.)

 

So, I went from being extremely pissed to being back to normal.

 

I am trying not to think about tomorrow.

 

I will have to think about what to wear, have to shave, do my hair.

I have to get there and be on time lol.

 

But you know what is the scariest thing?

What have I got myself into?

Am I even ready for this? This is crazy.

I mean, (I'm rushing ahead of myself a bit lol) I don't know if I could have a girlfriend (I'd never planned for this lol). It's been 8 years since I last had a girlfriend hahahah. And in that time I've learnt absolutely nothing.

I don't even know what is expected in this sort of relationship Lol.

What the @#%$ am I doing? I guess I'm learning...if only there was an easier way lol.

 

I don't know how I should be feeling... I am too new to this, this is different to the other girls because this time I have a shot. I'm confident and I think it will go well (I don't know why I think this hahaha).

 

This is so funny, I don't know what the hell I am doing lol. Be glad it's me and not you!

I'm not worried though, all of those things don't bother me (I'm trying to think about it). I find it really amusing and I'll be eager to see the outcome like anyone reading this.

 

Oh and if I stuff up, I'll make sure I make it funny so I can tell you guys.

Maybe I'll go to the pub first... (just joking).

 

 

Thanks everyone.

[ShySoul]

Let's be honest. When it comes to girls, all guys get nervous. All guys get those feelings of fear and hesitation. Some will try and play it cool, like they know how to do everything, but even they will have butterflies in their stomachs. And the thing is, with every new girl it is a new experience. You don't know what to expect. So those feelings start new every time.

 

How you are feeling is how you are suppose to be feeling: excited, hopeful, nervous, scared.

 

You have all the skills you need, you know how to act. Now the question is, do you know you know? (was that mysterious enough for you? ) You can do it.

[registered]

Thanks ShySoul for the reassurance.

 

Well, it already happened, it went well and I wasn't worried or nervous.

 

I won't be pursuing it any further, though I will see her again as friends I'm sure. She seems interested, but the maturity difference is too great and I really felt like I was talking to someone much younger than me.

So it was quite the anti-climax.

 

I've learnt heaps though, I am for some reason actually confident and not fearful and a lot more comfortable. I wasn't as incapable as I believed.

 

Thanks so much for the advice everyone!

[ShySoul]

Too bad it didn't work out. But that you boosted your confidence is great. You are a ladies man, just don't know it. Can wow and impressive them without even trying. Dude, I'm jealous of you. lol

[registered]

Too bad it didn't work out. But that you boosted your confidence is great. You are a ladies man, just don't know it. Can wow and impressive them without even trying. Dude, I'm jealous of you. lol

Hahaha, thanks, I always have my fantasies... Lol.

[ShySoul]

We should compare fantasies. I have a feeling we might surprise each other. Of course, we'll have to keep it private....

[jurupa]

registered I know I am a bit late in giving advise, but like you I am also a introvert, not as much as you are tho. I have to find it again, but there was an article on how to "take care of" introverted kids. In it, it said that introverted people tend to need a lot of alone time to recover from social suitations/events. This is most probably part of the reasons why you have no friends. I just have one friend.

 

There where some other things in the article that I can't remember, but once find it and post it, you will see a lot of the reasons why you act and do certain things that you view as normal, but extroverted people do not. But you should do some research on introverted personality becuase it will help you a lot, trust me.

 

From my own exprenice most of the rules of dating/relationships/flirting are different for introverts becuase we think much different and view things much different than extroverts.

 

By the way here are the article:

 

 

And some more articles:

 

 

I know the articles are aimed for kids, but they have a fair amount of info on soical suitations which may be helpfull, even if it comes from a kid level.

[registered]

Thanks jurupa, there was a lot of useful information there and it made me look at things differently.

 

One reason this thread went on for so long was because I had to work out a lot of things such as whether or not I can be more outgoing, whether or not I should be and whther or not I need to be.

So I'm thankful for all of the information people have provided, things make more sense to me now and I know that I know a lot more than I did before.

[Blayzed4Life]

Hey registered I'm glad to hear you learned alot about yourself through this experience. I'm kinda in the same boat as you as well only a few years older then you =/. But I have also learned alot about my personality that I never thought about.

 

Now I know I haven't made any huge changes in my life yet after learning more about myself, but I can assure you that I have a new look on life and cant wait to take more steps towards my life.

 

As I once mentioned in another topic that I believe you replied to, but incase you dont remember or I'm wrong i'll tell you again. Theres a great book out there that helped me alot it's called "Feel The Fear and Do it Anyways" cant remember the author but her book is very popular and puts alot of things into perspective.

 

Good luck in the future with your next experience and many many more to come both Good and Bad cause lets face it their never always going to be good thats just life, you get the good with the bad. But if theres one thing I've learned is that you can learn more from the bad then the good because when something bad happens to you it only makes you a stronger person. Of course thats only if you have the right attitude, if something bad happens to you and you make yourself the victim you will not grow stronger, but if you can realize that from the tragedy many more learning experiences open up. So never give up even when life gets you down, just remember it will make you a stronger person in the end

 

Also if you ever feel down and need someone to talk to you can always PM me I'm always happy to help

[jurupa]

Your welcome. I don't think you should become an outgoing person. You display to much introvertness. If you where on the line (it is possible) then you could work on it much easier, but you seem to be pretty good on the introverted side of things. But there are other ways to get girls.

 

You said that you like to read (a trait of introverted people), so instead of going to a libary goto a coffee shop like StarBucks, and read there. It will make it easier on you and you increase your chances of a girl making the moves or at least starting a coversation with you by reading a book in a social environment that is open to such things. If you do, your best bet is to stay with history books or fictional books as technial books aren't good. Cooking books won't be a bad pick tho. And on romace novels, don't read them unless your into them becuase reading them just to attract girls under the pretense that your a romatic will not fly when they find out that your not one.

 

All you have to do is put your self out there so you have the ability to interact with girls. I do my best to attend things I am invited to. Some things I will actually go out of my way to attend, but that is a very uncommon thing. Just remember that just becuase your a minority when it comes to personality types doesn't mean you have to give in and go to places where the extroverted people are.

[registered]

Thanks Blayzed4Life.

 

Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me off that book again!...I was waiting for the school that had that book to reopen and had forgotten about it.

 

I like your advice. Like you say it really is a matter of attitude - I've just had the wrong attitude in the past and now even though not much has changed my attitude has made things so much better.

 

Thanks for the well wishes and the offer of support!

[registered]

You display to much introvertness.

Well I am certainly an introvert but I don't think that has any affect on how outgoing I can be.

 

But there are other ways to get girls.

Well, my main problem is finding ways to meet girls. If I don't go out on a limb and make the most of whatever opportunities I have, I will quite literally never meet a girl.

And unless I have good people skills it will be quite hard to be successful at this.

 

You said that you like to read (a trait of introverted people), so instead of going to a libary goto a coffee shop like StarBucks, and read there.

That's a good suggestion that I hadn't thought of, I'll definitely try it.

 

And on romace novels, don't read them unless your into them becuase reading them just to attract girls under the pretense that your a romatic will not fly when they find out that your not one.

Hahaha, gotcha.

 

I am a very determined person and if I want something I will not stop working until I get it. And I will get it lol.

I need to gain good people skills to be successful in life. I will not achieve what I hope to unless I am able to develop perfect people skills.

I don't see my current abilities as a sign that I should simply stay like this... I want to improve and I'm going to Lol.

 

There are definitely certain traits of my personality that make it extremely difficult for me to relate to other people and get friends.

The trait that affects me most is my infinite attention span and ability to be exceptionally easily entertained. For example, it's funny now looking back, but in high school when I was on my own at lunch time I used to sit for an hour staring at the ants on the ground and watching what they did.

That was enthralling to me lol and I didn't think it was weird at all.

Also, I like to do things perfectly. It is not perfectionism, it is different because it isn't obsessive, it's just a preference. But it means that I am particular about what I do and how I do it. I am always in control though. This is why it isn't like perfectionism or obsessive compulsion.

Also, my life is very routine and I prefer to do the same thing everyday and so for example eat the same things at the same time each day and have a scheduled life.

 

Also, I cannot pay attention to anything unless I'm learning from it and for example if I watch a movie I will walk out and usually not be able to recall what happened in it despite watching intently...only if I am extremely focussed can I remember.

 

These things have made it very hard to relate to other people because I simply couldn't understand what they were doing.

This is a big problem for me because I have a lot of trouble following the instructions of other people unless they are stipulated in a way that makes sense to me (basically if they are how I would say them and plan on doing them then I can understand them...if they aren't then I can't understand them at all).

 

This also made school very difficult and the (smart) teachers left me to my own devices because I couldn't learn from the ways they taught and had to work on my own without listening to them or paying attention lol. Luckily by the end of high school the teachers had worked this out and let me be.

People thought I was slow lol because I had a lot of trouble if the teacher asked me a question and I always stayed back after class with questions that extracted the informtation that I saw as relevant.

 

So my social problems are a lot more complex than mere introversion.

They really reduce the amount of people I can relate to (reduces the amount to zero LOL). I am kind of like a little kid lol because I don't understand the world. My parents also don't realise this and so have always yelled at me a lot because I do stupid things (they're not stupid to me...they just aren't what they'd like me to do).

 

There is a LOT of information I left out, I even simplified the situation in the thread so I could obtain the best information with the greatest ease.

 

I have been really confused for a long time about all of this and really frustrated.

But the thing is, I want other people in my life and so I need to do something about it. If I wanted to be on my own it would be fine probably.

 

There is a lot about myself that I don't need to change.

For examply I think it's good to be enigmatic, I think it works for me.

But there are some things that have to be changed if they can be.

 

If I don't try hard to change and become an outgoing person then I am just wasting my time and money at uni because unless I have exceptional people skills I won't be able to get or succeed in a job in the area I aim to work in...thing is I can't do anything else so I don't have much choice lol.

 

Ultimately I don't see it as becoming less introverted...I'll always be that way. I just see it as amplifying certain aspects of my personality that are not what need to define me.

By being more outgoing and sociable and doing things I'm not used to I think that I will not be any less introverted.

 

I need to do it though...if it doesn't work it doesn't work, but I'd rather try and fail then just accept it to be the way it is and never know if it could be any different.

[ShySoul]

jurupa - Thanks for the articles. They really get accross a good message. The problem with being shy/introverted isn't from the fact that people are shy/introverted. It generally stems from people's reactions and how we come to look at ourselves. If we are constantly told we need to change, thats going to make us feel worse about ourselves and odds are we won't be able to really change anyways because its just not us. We should be accepting of who we are and work to our strengths. Those articles really point that out. Thanks, I'll be sure to recommend them in the future.

[jurupa]

registered - I understand your thinking and your mind set is. But your not looking at the bigger picture. Becuase your introvertness is playing a big part in your social life. Just read the articles I posted and look at the way you act and behave day to day. You should see some connection there.

 

You say that you want to be more outgoing and improve your people skills. Your going to have to let go the being more outgoing part as it will most probbaly never happen. You can improve your people skills tho. But you must understand that outgoing and people skills are two different things. Outgoing is a personality trait and people skills (which is semi connect to it tho) is a skill set.

 

The way I basically learned my people skills is to watch people in various situations. It takes time to learn and there is no easy way to learn it. If your college has class on human behavior or a general pyhsic class, take it. I took one in highschool and I found it interesting and learned a fair amount.

 

Trust me registered I understand what your going thru and how you feel about it.

 

ShySoul - Your welcome. A lot of people don't understand us introverts and do label us incorrectly.

[ShySoul]

It is definitely a personality trait, but that doesn't make it unchangeable. My personality has changed drastically over the years, this happens to many people (everyone?), though in my case it has been extreme.

 

Various things about us change over the years, but there are certain core elements of our personality that do not. To try to change them is to try and change one of the very things that make us who we are, and that's something that I don't believe is good. I am shy and introverted. Always have been. There is no harm coming from it and I like who I am. So why try and change something that represents who I am in so many ways? If I did, I just wouldn't feel like the same person. I think thats what we are saying. Be proud of every facet of yourself, and don't think you need to change or improve upon something that is a basic part of who you are.

 

personality is formed by the environment, at least in part (a psychologist will tell you that that part is quite substantial lol...see below somewhere for a source). I think I can become more outgoing. Why don't you think I can do this?

 

How do you know this part has been formed by your environment? I've had people who tried to get me to be outgoing, placed in social settings. Never liked it. And I know that while I can function in them, I'll never really be comfortable or like it. It's just not me, no matter how much I try.

 

And its not that we don't think you can. It's that I notice when people are so focused on trying to change, they can hurt themselves more then help themselves. Either they frustrate themselves with a lack of progress or they change and find they liked it better before. Just think the better way is to embrace who you are and go from there. Once you accept that part of you, you'll find things flow more naturally and you can still have the people skills you desire.

 

. A lot of the suggestions to simply "let them be" are to me irresponsible and misguided.

 

The article was saying that if you try to make a person, especially a kid, change when they aren't comfortable with it, then the person will be miserable and probably retreat from things instead of being more outgoing. It's like parents who force their kid to go out for a sport not because the kid wants to, but because the parents want them to. The child won't be happy and you will be hurting them more then helping them. They will probably feel like they need to do things for others and bury what they want. Or they will rebel and retreat more. On the other hand, if you let the child explore their natural interests, they will be happier and friendler.

 

Same applies to adults. If a person is forced to do something they aren't comfortable with and aren't ready to do, then it won't go well. Better to let them go at their natural pace and be the person they are comfortable with being. As long as they are doing ok, its fine.

 

If you don't teach a kid how to socialise then he will be bad at it, he'll avoid it, he'll never improve at it, and ultimately turn out withdrawn from other people.

 

I wasn't taught to socialize. In fact, I fought against it the few times I was. I'm withdrawn and don't like to socialize, not because of how I was raised but just because thats not me. However, I wouldn't say I am bad at it. Put me with someone I relate to and I'm very socialble. I've never had a problem getting along with people, can converse with most. I just don't go out of my way to do it or open myself up to much.

 

It is about conditioning. Just like a dog is conditioned a person is conditioned.

 

But we aren't dogs. We have a higher thinking capacity and don't have to be conditioned. Yes, family and childhood experiences play a role. But it doesn't have to be the conditioning you said. If I had followed my families example I would have been much different then I am now. But I didn't. I followed my own path and resisted being conditioned by them. Each of us can do that, and each of us does have a tendency to rebel. Someone who is consistantly held at can turn out in completely opposite ways depending on their personality. They can become submissive, feeling like they can't raise their voice. Or its likely that they will repeat the actions they were taught and become someone who yells at their kids themselves. They take out their frustrations, built up for years, in the only way they were known.

 

People don't have to be conditioned, and even if they are the effect could be different depending on the person.

 

I love solitude. But I long for other people...now I don't need a whole lot of BS about loving myself lol, because honestly I couldn't be happier about who I am. (my motivation for changing is NOT about not liking who I am...it's about wanting to realise my potential)

 

You long for people? You can still be around people without thinking you need to be outgoing and introducing yourself to all kinds of others. Got a few friends? That's all you need. You can still realize your potential in so many ways. Our potential is not defined by who or how many people we meet. It is defined by who we are and how we feel about ourselves. If you love yourself and love who you are, then you are realizing your potential.

 

Why do I long for other people? If I don't do something about it I will live in constant pain amd longing. Or I could live a life of distraction but that wouldn't be addressing the problem would it now?

 

Who says it is a problem? You have convinced yourself it is a problem, and as long as you think it is, then it will be. What we are saying is there is no problem from how we look at it. Perhaps it isn't a longing for other people, perhaps it is a longing for something you don't see within yourself that you believe can only be found in other people?

[registered]

Ok, thanks heaps for your reply ShySoul.

 

I am so lost. But I know one thing for sure. My life as it is sucks lol, and I do not want to live it this way because it is such a waste. It isn't too hard for me to see how my life will turn out if I live it this way, honestly, despite not being able to predict the future (lol) it is very easy to see how it would turn out for anyone who could see it.

I need to do something to change it, and that means changing something.

 

I HAVE to change my life lol, it is not a life, it is just an existence - it is nothing more. I literally do NOTHING all day [even when I'm at school] and contribute nothing that is important, this must be changed because it does not make me happy.

 

It's not about wanting something more, it's about NEEDING something more. And I haven't simply convinced myself of this lol. I need something more because I need something, anything to replace nothingness lol.

It is not fair to me to say that this is all in my head. If anyone had lived my life they would have killed themself long, long ago. I'm only here because I see the potential which I have to live a happy life, and that life is not the one I currently live. I NEED change and have been trying for this for as long as I can remember. I cannot live forever like I currently do, that is what it all comes down to. The way out is NOT love for myself, I have that. I love myself, I just hate my existence. And rightly so. The way out is to change my "existence".

 

I've tried to give up caring about this, but I can't because that would be self-destructive and I wouldn't be able to stop caring for the need for something more.

What is missing is not friends or anything like that. It is a challenge to myself, something that gives my life meaning.

 

Being outgoing isn't an answer to my problems, but it is a means to an end. If my only problem was not being outgoing then f*ck would I have a good life.

 

I'm so not interested in any of this. I'm simply interested in the cause and effect, I don't give a sh!t about the in betweens because they are not relevant.

Anyone can talk about the "in betweens" but only I can see the cause and effect.

I'll work it out one day. I don't know what is supposed to happen in the meantime though lol.

[ShySoul]

If anyone had lived my life they would have killed themself long, long ago.

 

lol. I'd be interested in comparing life stories then cause I've said that on many occasions. Amazed I can still believe in the things I believe in. I know life is rough, I've felt like screaming and pulling my hair out many times. So if you ever want to talk, I think I might understand your feelings. Not completely, but for the most part.

 

I HAVE to change my life lol, it is not a life, it is just an existence - it is nothing more. I literally do NOTHING all day [even when I'm at school] and contribute nothing that is important, this must be changed because it does not make me happy.

 

Sorry if I upset you. I realize that this is a hard time for you and you feel like you need to change things, for your own sanity and well being. And I support any chocie you think is best for you. I'll help in any way that I can. I feel the same way at times, I just take a different philosophy of how to get there. So do what you think is right for you. Your right, we can't know exactly how you are feeling. But I think I have an idea. And if you feel as bad as I have felt, then I really want to see you feel better.

[registered]

I must apologise to everyone because I became unecessarily argumentative, self-righteous and bitter.

 

Thanks ShySoul...you didn't upset me, I did that myself.

Thanks for replying when I was being an areshole

[ShySoul]

It's alright. I'm not always Mr. Happy and Cheerful myself. Everyone gets upset. But the bigger man says he is sorry, and you registered are that big man.