She thinks I am someone I am not (an outgoing person)

[registered]

Ok, I am here to make an effort, I will make an effort.

 

Before I go on with the rest of my crap, I want to preface it with the fact that you've really helped me out. Not just with dating but with my self-confidence and this will affect the rest of my life. My lack of confidence has affected my studies and my jobs and my interactions with friends, teachers and people I look up to. So I really appreciate the fact that you have helped me with my self-belief.

Hopefully I can stay positive and maintain my sudden motivation for life!

I want to get some results and I actually want to show you that I am capable of them Lol.

 

You're advice is simply spot on... If I felt like I could argue with it I would! (I'm stubborn But I can't... it just makes sense and it is very fair.

So thankyou again!

 

And also you said one thing that I especially agreed with. It was basically along the lines of you having the ability to reason and think problems through to solution and then applying this to your social experiences.

This is one thing I notice about your advice, and which you said yourself. It makes sense because you test it and rule out what doesn't work.

Makes sense.

 

 

That's not really a date in my opinion, and if her friends are there it may be hard to sit down with her and talk, get to know her, etc. I would pass just on virtue of all that.

Ok cool.

 

I think that would have to be one of your standards that you would have to decide for yourself. Personally, if a woman didn't like ME because of my friends, or lack thereof, I would think she was shallow and not worth my time. I'd blow HER off if she did that, and with a laugh.

This made me think.

I say those stupid things about letting women push me around because it is better then nothing. I was an idiot. As much as I said otherwise I actually do have standards

I know how I should be treated - how I treat other people. That is like the number one rule I live by - treat others as I want to be treated.

I need to look out for myself though and give but don't give in.

 

So if the risk paid off ... why not do it again and again?

Well yep, I've planned on doing it again - I don't like not having a girlfriend!

Difference now is that I am motivated and determined and confident.

 

If you had friends and women showing interest in you, then you'd more likely be a super model. I find that people in real life are shallow and appearance driven. And, quite frankly, if you don't do something to make yourself stand out nobody will notice you.

Looking at the situation a little clearer now I know that I have pushed away many, many people in my life. I had some friends and I've had some people want to be my friends. But I pushed them away and this is why I am alone.

I had reasons though initially, after that I think it became habit or the easy thing to do, especially considering my bad social skills at that time.

I do accept responsibility for it (and I think I admitted this in one other thread).

 

About standing out... I actually do get attention from girls and they often flirt with me and I just ignore it... I think most girls must think I am gay Lol.

So that's the next thing, I will flirt back (try to...need practise anyway).

I need to be happy that I get attention and make the most of it.

 

I actually think I am Ok with the skills necessary to have friends and girlfriends... I have a personality too (somehow I am prepared to admit this now). I just haven't used these well before for one reason or another.

So the next thing is, take more risks and make the most of opportunities.

 

I have f***ing social skills, w-t-f was I saying.

 

Here is some more. I have a lot of mottos that I try to keep in mind when meeting and talking with women, and while brief they mean a lot more to me, not just the words. I will list some of them that come to mind, and you should think about what they could mean to you. Some are just as they mean, others require thought

One thing you mention is playing hard to get.

Something which amuses me is the fact that I am actually quite good at getting phone numbers from girls. Despite my awkwardness I still pull it off...and then proceed not to ring them. (but that will change).

I have two rules and I pretty much guarantee myself a girls number after I have finished talking with her. They are:

Never ask her name.

Never ask for her number.

 

It works basically everytime (I don't know if they are good rules or if I should do this...they just work). The girl will nearly always offer her name and offer her number. I don't need to ask or even hint. (only one out of 7 girls in recent months didn't give me her details).

I guess it is because I am playing hard to get. I think it is just coincidence because I just noticed it works and so I did it.

I won't play games anymore though.

 

I am an idiot - I really do put myself down too much. I must have some social skills and charm or whatever because I do have a lot of luck... I let myself down on the effort side.

So I'll make the effort.

 

 

This is very important - you need to make sure she's not just a hot body with no brain.

Yeah, I am over being a depressed ****wit. I have standards, I'll exercise them.

 

So then change the topic. Ask her "Why, are you going to ask me out on a date Friday? I may have plans already!" Smile, wink, laugh. Etc. Remember, you don't HAVE to answer every question someone asks you, and if you do answer it you CAN be funny about it.

Yep, thanks you are instilling all of this confidence in me! I realise that I am an idiot for worrying and stressing so much. But I had to learn to these particular lessons some how.

Bring on the next lessons to learn world! Lol.

 

You could do the exact same thing. The first thing you have to do is STOP THINKING and go say hi, and then the next thing you need to do is THINK about what the person said, and if you can come up with a clever response.

Done, I'll do it.

 

Then you need to go practice. Go to the mall, go to girlie stores, and poke around.

Ok, done. I have "tried" this, but that was half-arsed trying and I didn't do it right. I'm psyched up now lol.

 

So you're two for two and now you think you cannot do it again? I think you are more natural than you know.

Ok, I do put myself down too much. I do something right sometimes so I just need to keep doing that.

I will try and go to the shops tomorrow (hopefully...if not in the next few days).

 

If it is important to her, is that someone you want to date? I would never date a woman who thought my choice of car was a deciding factor.

Ok, so I have to exercise standards... I should only give a women a chance if she gives me a chance for who/what I am. Cool, done.

 

You are saying you think she is shallow and materialistic.

Ok, fair enough. Keep seeing a woman who is a decent person. Don't see women who are not good. Makes sense.

 

Car is a non-issue. Just call a cab. I know lots of guys who do that and have no problems.

Good idea. Ok, so this stuff is all minor... my worries are all just stupid, I don't need to worry about them. I just need to stick to my standards for a quality person and that is it.

 

If you went on a date and she said she liked to run 25 miles a day, worked out for 2 hours, biked for an hour, worked 8 hours, then gardened for an hour, went out for an hour, then watched the news at 10:00 before getting 8 hours of sleep.... would you want to date her?

Well I should add that I am a fitness nut.

I am not lazy in terms of fitness...just in terms of making an effort to get women.

I think I am a good looking guy - I don't have any problems with self-esteem. I am 6'2" and physically fit. I need to be more confident.

 

The only sad part about that is that it will happen and it probably will make things worse - you'll get dumped over and over until you stand up for yourself. Women usually don't like wimps for long.

Good point. I will not be a wimp.

This happened with the first girl I mentioned I think. I was there for her giving so much, paying for everything, always doing favours. I was a wimp and she saw me a a weak wimp and said "bye bye".

I was killing myself wanting to know why she was suddenly all cold - now you have explained it!

 

 

Maybe you have no friends and no women BECAUSE of the fact that you pay for people, because you have no standards. Again, people don't like that. If you tried to pay my way I would not want to hang out with you. If you let me mis-treat you I would have no respect for you and would not want to have you around because I knew you would make me look bad in front of my other friends. Remember, if things are not going your way, then maybe it's because of something you are doing, or not doing.

Maybe... Like I said I push people away (Most people deserved it too in my mind... I exercised those standards I had. Basically for background's sake people treated me like * * * * all the way until the middle of high school. [not because I paid my way...I am not rich, but because I was always quiet and never bothered standing up for myself] Then one day, I stood up for myself in a confrontation. After that day I told the world to get * * * *ed because I was through with being treated like * * * * - they lost out anyway) I don't know why I would consider letting women treat me like this.

I do know what it is like to be treated like sh!t. I often wonder why I am who I am. I realise that I am a better person (not a great person, just a person) then I let myself believe.

I won't let my loneliness get me down - I am still the same person inside.

Don't worry, I have those standards, I just needed the confidence to think I was worth exercising them for.

I'll exercise standards and not be a wimp. (And I won't push people away... I like myself and so others will too)

 

So I haven't been this overall positive about myself in a long time... I never really bothered to see myself as anyone with anything going for me. You've helped me find some confidence and I've been searching a long time to find out how to do this.

Thanks!

 

Also, I am often really down in the dumps when I make posts and write those stupid things... I am not like that by choice or for any good reason. Maybe I can now stop being like that.

 

I'm glad you like it, but you need to start acting on it otherwise I am wasting my time as well... see what I mean? People will only stick around for so long if you just act sad and miserable all the time. You've got to go and try some things.

Yep I will. I tried today actually, but it went really bad. But I'll try again.

I appreciate your time, effort and your urging me on.

 

So now let's focus on some REAL information. What's going on with this girl? What next? Update me so we can make a plan to ask her out.

Thing is I don't have her number.

I have her IM address and that's it.

 

If I get the opportunity I will do just as you say. That is great advice, and it makes me feel confident that I will get the best result possible for myself.

 

Thanks heaps for the specific date advice too because I am very bad at that. But your advice is fool-proof so if I get a date I will be able to use it without a problem.

 

I made a lot of promises in this post. All I have to offer in security is my word...that's what I value most and that is what I am offering.

So I am through with being a depressed wimp!

I'll post back with how it all pans out.

[Belle]

I don't lack confidence in being quiet and shy...I lack confidence in being outgoing and likeable.

 

I think this is an oxymoron. Shyness is a way of hiding your true self, I believe, mostly to avoid criticism or judgement.

 

That being said, I'm somewhat in the same boat as you are, well except I'm the girl. One of the guys I like is shy (not as shy as you) and I can tell he likes me but he really has a way of putting a cramp on things by shutting down in social settings when we're together. I don't care that he's not as social as me. If I did, I surely wouldn't bark up his tree. I know though that I'm outgoing enough for the both of us and he'd probably come out of his shell around me.

 

Give her the opportunity of making teh decision herself. Don't tell her "hey, I'd like to go out but I think you should know that I"m not super popular". That's just silly.

 

I do think you need to make it a priority to come out of your shell though. I used to be painfully shy and I was an extrovert waiting to happen. I had few friends. I had a very closed way of looking at things, to the point of unhealthiness. THe more I understood and appreciated people for their weaknesses and strengths, and accepted my own, the better life in general has gotten. Practice socializing and talking to people. It won't kill you. It actually feels good when you get good at it.

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle

[registered]

I think this is an oxymoron. Shyness is a way of hiding your true self, I believe, mostly to avoid criticism or judgement.

Thanks for that, yes I agree now that shyness is a way of hiding myself and not being confident.

So I'll just try and be the confident person I am somewhere inside.

 

 

I have a few questions though... do I have to ask her out for a night time date? Can it be the afternoon?

 

Can we do something more than coffee? I don't mean something that could be a waste of money... maybe just go to a mall and look at the shops after getting coffee?

 

Personally I'd prefer to meet around lunch time and then look at shops or something? Is that ok? (This also makes me feel more comfortable...but I can be uncomfortable if it is necessary...)

I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon together...I realise that if I don't know her that that could be a bad idea but I'm prepared to risk it.... What do you guys think?

 

Why Saturday night also PocoDiablo? If I talk to her I don't to want ask to see her this Saturday night Lol... I guess I'd have to wait until the next.

It is holiday time can't we do something during the week?

[registered]

And by the way... I'm quite sure I've missed my chance.

 

I haven't seen her online at all. Maybe it's just the busy time of year?

 

I'm not going to dwell on it though.

[registered]

and yep, I should have got her phone number

[ShySoul]

The women who posted here gave you good advice registered. You should listen to them.

 

Shyness is not a way of hiding. Shyness is a natural extension of our personalities. Fear is a form of hiding. There is a vast difference.

[registered]

The women who posted here gave you good advice registered. You should listen to them.

 

Shyness is not a way of hiding. Shyness is a natural extension of our personalities. Fear is a form of hiding. There is a vast difference.

 

Well I guess I am just fearful.

I have probably misused the term "shy". I am quiet, not particularly outgoing and I do not feel comfortable in social situations. I have used the term "shy" simply because it implies those things. If it involves other things too then I have misused it.

I could have said "reticent" maybe, but I don't think it matters.

 

I like to talk and be the centre of attention when possible. I mustn't be shy. I just am generally quiet and incapable of talking. That is a contradiction... but that is my life.

I am confused now lol, I'm talking myself stupid.

 

I think the advice thusfar has been great and everyone's suggestions backed up each other.

Thanks everyone.

[PocoDiablo]

Okay, I'll just hit some of the major points and then get back to your other replies.

 

I want to preface it with the fact that you've really helped me out. Not just with dating but with my self-confidence and this will affect the rest of my life. My lack of confidence has affected my studies and my jobs and my interactions with friends, teachers and people I look up to. So I really appreciate the fact that you have helped me with my self-belief.

Hopefully I can stay positive and maintain my sudden motivation for life!

I want to get some results and I actually want to show you that I am capable of them Lol.

Personally, I noticed the same thing about me. Once I started to figure things out and really LEARN from my mistakes my whole life changed. It was like this one area in my life was lacking and left me blinded to reality. I was very naieve, IMO.

 

So that's the next thing, I will flirt back (try to...need practise anyway).

I need to be happy that I get attention and make the most of it.

No matter what happens you just have to learn, think about what is going on, what may have really happened.

 

Example: The other day while in a store a total hottie approached me and asked if I needed help. After talking to her for only 1-2 minutes I realized she was very quiet. Totally not my type. Normally I would have tried to force the conversation, be nice, whatever. Not this time. I just stopped. She was too hard to talk to and it was not constructive to try to do so.

 

You just have to learn that no matter what a woman looks like, if there is no chemistry ... there is nothing.

 

One thing you mention is playing hard to get.

Something which amuses me is the fact that I am actually quite good at getting phone numbers from girls. Despite my awkwardness I still pull it off...and then proceed not to ring them. (but that will change).

I have two rules and I pretty much guarantee myself a girls number after I have finished talking with her. They are:

Never ask her name.

Never ask for her number.

 

It works basically everytime (I don't know if they are good rules or if I should do this...they just work). The girl will nearly always offer her name and offer her number. I don't need to ask or even hint. (only one out of 7 girls in recent months didn't give me her details).

I guess it is because I am playing hard to get. I think it is just coincidence because I just noticed it works and so I did it.

I won't play games anymore though.

You are being a challenge. You are not throwing yourself at them like most idiot guys do. And they like you. That is a huge sign of a high interest level. If you have chemistry, wait 4-5 days and call and ask them on a date.

 

I am an idiot - I really do put myself down too much.

I like how you put yourself down and then say you put yourself down too much!

 

Lemme tell you something - your mind follows what you tell it to do. If I tell you to "Don't think of a purple tiger" you just did, right? So if you say "He's an idiot" your brain strips all the words off (such as "He's a") and remembers idiot. I'll save you the long talk, but I majored in mind control and hypnosis, among other things. Talk nice to yourself, trust me. Speak and think in terms of your goals and they will follow. Slowly, but they will.

 

Yep, thanks you are instilling all of this confidence in me! I realise that I am an idiot for worrying and stressing so much. But I had to learn to these particular lessons some how.

Bring on the next lessons to learn world! Lol.

Lesson to learn - you need to start saying to yourself "I'm amazed at how quickly I am learning this and recognizing how to improve myself." No more "Idiot" alrighty?

 

Car is a non-issue. Just call a cab. I know lots of guys who do that and have no problems.

Good idea. Ok, so this stuff is all minor... my worries are all just stupid, I don't need to worry about them. I just need to stick to my standards for a quality person and that is it.

Your worries are just designed to prevent you from making progress, that's all. They are ill-suited, but from an evolutionary point of view they keep you from hurting yourself. People are basically hard-wired to remember the bad things that happen to them, not the good things. Why? So if you touch something hot, you don't do it again. Eat something that makes you sick? Never again. Got chased by a dog? Fear of dogs follows. Got rejected by a woman.... see where I am going. The problem is that our fears are ill-suited for modern life. Getting turned down by a woman is not something that we have to prevent in the future, but we ACT like it is because we do not know better.

 

Good point. I will not be a wimp.

This happened with the first girl I mentioned I think. I was there for her giving so much, paying for everything, always doing favours. I was a wimp and she saw me a a weak wimp and said "bye bye".

I was killing myself wanting to know why she was suddenly all cold - now you have explained it!

Bingo. And now you have learned from it. This is the whole point of making mistakes - to learn what does not work.

 

I tried today actually, but it went really bad. But I'll try again.

So what did you LEARN? Go over every detail you can remember and figure out if it was something you did, they did, or just nothing could be done.

 

Do you make a crude joke and she frowned? Don't do that again. Was she staring at other guys? Maybe she's just not interested. Don't always blame yourself - so long as you can find a SOLUTION then you are doing things right. If you cannot figure something out, then you need to think harder until you do!

[PocoDiablo]

While it sounds like you may have missed the window of opportunity, here is some general advice you can use:

 

I have a few questions though... do I have to ask her out for a night time date? Can it be the afternoon?

I prefer early evening or afternoon dates. They feel "less heavy" and less like you're just trying to get her drunk and take advantage of her. While you do want to make your intentions clear that you want to date her, your intentions should never be trying to get laid. Not only is that a losers game, but women can usually tell your intentions. Don't do it if you want a quality, long term, and happy relationship. Your goal is to get to know her as a person.

 

Can we do something more than coffee? I don't mean something that could be a waste of money... maybe just go to a mall and look at the shops after getting coffee?

Anything you can do together that allows you to talk is a great date in my opinion. My first dates often involve walking through a downtown area after hours when the stores are all closed - no temptation to go in and buy anything like friends would do together.

 

Personally I'd prefer to meet around lunch time and then look at shops or something? Is that ok? (This also makes me feel more comfortable...but I can be uncomfortable if it is necessary...)

If she's free, sure. How about a walk on the beach, accross a bridge (Golden Gate?), down the river, etc.

 

I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon together...I realise that if I don't know her that that could be a bad idea but I'm prepared to risk it.... What do you guys think?

Plan on your first date being 15-30 minutes long. If it goes bad, you'll both want to leave. If it goes good, continue on. So no car trips together someplace far away. I really like having a drink because you can have one and if you don't like each other you can just say "Well, it was nice meeting you but I think we can call this off now."

 

Why Saturday night also PocoDiablo? If I talk to her I don't to want ask to see her this Saturday night Lol... I guess I'd have to wait until the next.

It is holiday time can't we do something during the week?

Did I say Saturday night? I normally recommend WEEKnights, so NOT Sat or Sun nights for first dates. Again, those are heavy date nights.

 

Start light, easy, fun.

[registered]

I'll save you the long talk, but I majored in mind control and hypnosis, among other things.

Sounds like a degree in how to take over the world

Very interesting though. Thanks for that info. No more "idiot"...*Thinking happy thoughts*

*boosting ego*

*head exploding*...

 

So what did you LEARN? Go over every detail you can remember and figure out if it was something you did, they did, or just nothing could be done.

Ok, I just have to get out there.

I also need to sleep more (and during the night time... I'm nocturnal Lol) so I can concentrate on talking to girls Lol... I went to the hair dresser on one hour's sleep and said about 10 words...she wasn't happy...and didn't do what I wanted Lol.

 

After Christmas I will sleep and get out and make some of that progress.

 

I placed some personal ads but they have extremely low exposure... I didn't want to use one of those services where everyone is looking for sex that's all (You know the one where the ads are like "Do you like to * * * *? So do I!!!")... I want to attract a good person who wants the same things as me.

Had two responses within two hours of one ad going up... One was just stupid, enough said. The second was good but I'm am waiting for a second response.

 

Did I say Saturday night? I normally recommend WEEKnights, so NOT Sat or Sun nights for first dates. Again, those are heavy date nights.

Oops my mistake, yeah you said weeknights. Sorry!

Ok, your advice is great, thanks.

 

Monday is inked in as the big day to get out there. Can't wait.

edit: oh wait...today is Friday, whoa. Maybe today too.

[PocoDiablo]

Today is Thursday!

[Dating Coach]

I'm going to once again back Poco on this. Registered, if you are looking for good advice, Poco is giving you some great points.

[ShySoul]

registered,

 

You are no more fearful then anyone else. Everyone has the same fears, no matter what lengths they will go to deny it. If anything, you are stronger because you acknowledge them. It's better to embrace it and see it isn't as bad as we made it out to be then to bury our fears under false notions and information from questionable sources.

 

Being quiet and not talking much is good. It puts you in a position to observe. You can learn a lot. And knowledge is power. You are also a good listener, which serves you well when dealing with women. You are the guy they trust and respect. You are the guy they are ultimately looking for. And you are the guy that they are probably harboring crushes on. Only thing is, most guys don't see that. They don't see how being shy, reticent, quiet is such a good thing.

 

Just this week I had a girl so those qualities not only make me a good person, but are sexy. You might just have the personality that will attract a lot of girls and will have them um..... willing to work with you in very intimate ways. And you won't have to change a thing.

[registered]

I'm going to once again back Poco on this. Registered, if you are looking for good advice, Poco is giving you some great points.

Thanks Diggity for your testimonial. Yep, I'll make the most of his advice

 

I also like the line in your signature that reads "I will not tell you what you want to hear in attempt to get you to listen to me unlike some others. I will tell you the truth of the situation, like it or not."

It pisses me off when people try to sugar-coat stuff and dance around the honest-truth, it doesn't help them at all and makes their problems worse because their toxic views (if they have them) are reinforced.... That's why in the first post I told people to be blatant and honest And it worked... I learnt heaps of helpful things.

[registered]

It's better to embrace it and see it isn't as bad as we made it out to be then to bury our fears under false notions and information from questionable sources.

The thing is, when I give in to these fears I am not being who I am. I try to hide my personality because I fear people won't like it.

I act in ways which are kind of hate-neutral (if that makes sense), so that people won't laugh at me or think I am stupid, and I do this because I am scared of this.

Why should I be scared though?

I am not being true to who I am when I give into these fears.

Now, if I face these fears I will be myself right? Who is myself? Well, I am not shy, I am not quiet and I am not inhibited.

If I face these fears I am going to be the person I really am - confident, outgoing and likable.

 

I am only shy because of the fear. Being shy is great - but it isn't me. It's just the scared me.

 

And you won't have to change a thing.

I think I need to change to be true to who I am and not give into "fear".

 

If I'm wrong I'll eat my words

[registered]

OK everyone, today was D-Day.

 

So we were talking for a while and I got her number...cool.

We have some similarities that are cool.

I asked her out for coffee too. She was pretty happy.

So cool.

 

Now, I didn't do it perfectly, I'm really lazy.

I have major problems making plans and live a day to day existence Lol.... I am really bad at saying "on this day I will do this".

So I didn't set a time and date.

I understand that it is better to do this, but I at least made a start lol.

 

I told her I would bring her something that she wanted and so that is good. I said next week. I don't feel good leaving her hanging but she knows it is definite (as definite as it can seem) because I need to take that thing to her.

 

But I think I did well. Will give her a ring next week and set something up.

 

No nerves, no sweaty palms and flowing/interesting conversation... I'm very happy. (It was only IM chatting though... but you'd be surprised, in the past I actually got really nervous talking online when I didn't want to stuff up).

 

I had a good day in terms of socialising though. Spoke to another girl and it went really well, made a cool friend.

 

I have a different attitude now and it really shows in every part of me. Kind of like an overnight transformation.

 

So I'm confident the coffee thing will go well.

 

Hey, you know what's funny?

When I said we'll do it next week, do you know what her question was?

"Do you drive?"

It's cool though, it should be.

 

I don't know if I can setup the whole 15-30 minute first date thing though... I don't know how to make her expect that it is just for 15 minutes because I'd hope she knew this before I just said "Ok, well it's been good, we'll do it again".

It's holiday time and so no one has anything to do... it's not like I can say "um I only have 15 minutes in my schedule" LOL.

 

Also, if she drives she might offer me a lift home... I could take it or afterwards I could go and do something else and then get home later myself.

 

Also, I wonder if she thinks it's just a social catch up... I don't know.

Also, I was just being myself and I wonder if she thinks I'm gay lol because I think I come accross that way sometimes when talking to girls.

 

Oh well, I'm not stressing about these things now though. Happy thoughts.

 

 

Thanks everyone! Thanks Poco!

Have Merry Christmases!

[Dating Coach]

I am only shy because of the fear. Being shy is great - but it isn't me. It's just the scared me.

 

I think I need to change to be true to who I am and not give into "fear".

 

If I'm wrong I'll eat my words

 

This is so so true.

 

____________________

 

Onto your latest post, congrats on getting her number and getting her to agree on the date. Yes, a definitive date is the best, but you are learning and you did the right thing so be very proud that you accomplished that first step into a new world of successes.

 

Good luck with this girl and keep up the good work man!

[ocrob]

Hi registered, I am a bit confused about your post. Did you go out or are you going out? I totally understand the fear or uneasiness of committing, but you have to. If you have not gone on that date, set a day and a time and a place. If you are doing the coffee thing, there is no time limit. If it goes badly, then you will be gone in ten minutes. If it goes well, then you will hang out for hours. Make sure the coffee place is near restaurants so that you can get food, if there is a connection. You sound young, but you can't put a timeline on a date. If you like this girl, then you may want to spend more time together. I used to have such a problem of committing to a time, but you have to. let me know, if you have gone on this date already or if it is coming up. I can give you advice from a guy that used to be quite shy. Take advantage of the older guys that are willing to help you out. We all learn from mistakes and most of us made them.

 

ocrob

[registered]

Hey ocrob, thanks for that.

 

No, we haven't gone out yet... I told her we should get some coffee next week and that I would let her know when. That's where my last post left off at.

(Yes, pretty young, 18 )

 

Today I spoke to her and suggested Wednesday... she said she would let me know LOL.

Now, that would suggest that maybe she isn't wanting to meet up. But I am still confident she will let me know for several reasons... I am pretty confident.

 

So sometime this week I will see her for coffee.

 

Thanks, I'd appreciate any advice you have to offer.

 

The hardest part is over in terms of fear.

 

Location is one problem... I think I'll do it at a big shopping area. Unforntunately this place is kind of out of our ways though - since it's out of our ways I'd feel weird about leaving after 15 mins if that felt right.

The other option is to go to a small coffee shop where there isn't much else close by. This is close to each of us and makes a "quick getaway" easier, but also means more time can't really be spent together as there is not much else around.

I'd go with the first option I think, in this instance. (I enjoyed her company the time we met)

 

She will be driving there, I'll be catching the bus Lol.

At the end it will be awkward if she offers to drive me home. I'd have to accept. That seems ok to me though.

 

I don't have too many questions at this stage, Poco gave a good guide before and I'll follow his advice, it is logical stuff, stuff I'd know to do if I had years of experience too I hope.

 

I'd love to have other dates, but I am not good at this. I wait for the "right" situation...I'm not spontaneous in asking girls out, it is usually very calculated. This means I get decent results, but I also get very few results because the "right" situations are rare.

So my goal is to be more spontaneous and ask girls out without thinking of how I will construct the consersation, make them laugh etc.

 

How did you go about getting to the stage of asking girls out spontaneously?

I always think about conversation with a girl I want to ask out before I make it, I shouldn't do this... do you have any advice?

Poco suggested the 3 second rule... I guess I just need practise?

Do girls expect to just be asked out at random times? Do they even like this?

[ocrob]

I think it would be great if this girl gives you a ride home. Just be yourself and smile. Asking women out is hard, if you do not know if they have a boyfriend. If you know they don't, then just ask. There is this really cute woman at my Doctor's office that I want to ask out, but I have no idea if she has a boyfriend and don't want to put her on the spot. I am guessing that I will ask her out, but just have to becareful. lol I went on an eye doctor appointment and the receptionist and I talked a lot. She was really cute and when leaving she said to call another woman in the office that we would have a great time. I was not attracted to her and did not call. So, I guess it is a gamble. I will be a bit uncomfortable when I go back, but that is life.

[PocoDiablo]

Now, I didn't do it perfectly, I'm really lazy.

I have major problems making plans and live a day to day existence Lol.... I am really bad at saying "on this day I will do this".

So I didn't set a time and date.

I understand that it is better to do this, but I at least made a start lol.

Actually, that WAS perfect. I never tell a woman when I am going to call, and then when I do call her in 4-5 days if she remembers me that is a good sign. If she says "Who?" then maybe she didn't really like me...

 

I don't know if I can setup the whole 15-30 minute first date thing though... I don't know how to make her expect that it is just for 15 minutes because I'd hope she knew this before I just said "Ok, well it's been good, we'll do it again".

Well, I would plan for at LEAST an hour. It's only going to be 15 minutes if you end up hating each other!

 

Also, if she drives she might offer me a lift home... I could take it or afterwards I could go and do something else and then get home later myself.

I'd skip the ride, believe it or not. Tell her you'll see her some other time UNLESS you have GREAT chemistry. Either way, try to determine if there is an opportunity for a kiss.

 

Also, I was just being myself and I wonder if she thinks I'm gay lol because I think I come accross that way sometimes when talking to girls.

Um, then you need to make it clear that you aren't by judging her interest and maybe a nice good-bye kiss on the lips. No tongue!

[PocoDiablo]

Location is one problem... I think I'll do it at a big shopping area. Unforntunately this place is kind of out of our ways though - since it's out of our ways I'd feel weird about leaving after 15 mins if that felt right.

The other option is to go to a small coffee shop where there isn't much else close by. This is close to each of us and makes a "quick getaway" easier, but also means more time can't really be spent together as there is not much else around.

I'd go with the first option I think, in this instance. (I enjoyed her company the time we met)

I'd go to the first place. Don't plan on things going bad!

 

So my goal is to be more spontaneous and ask girls out without thinking of how I will construct the consersation, make them laugh etc.

Stop thinking so much! Just go with the flow...

 

How did you go about getting to the stage of asking girls out spontaneously?

I always think about conversation with a girl I want to ask out before I make it, I shouldn't do this... do you have any advice?

Poco suggested the 3 second rule... I guess I just need practise?

Do girls expect to just be asked out at random times? Do they even like this?

No, they don't. You have to make small talk first, get to know them, and if there is chemistry then you ask. If you don't get along, don't get buying signs, then don't bother. Not everyone will be interested. You have to qualify them first.

 

Overall it seems like you are doing good. Just don't be so shy she thinks you don't like her. It's better to let a woman know you are looking for a girlfriend than not.

[ShySoul]

The other option is to go to a small coffee shop where there isn't much else close by. This is close to each of us and makes a "quick getaway" easier, but also means more time can't really be spent together as there is not much else around.

 

Why are you thinking about a "quick getaway?" The point it to spend time together and get to know her. Thinking about an escape plan is counter productive.

 

Maybe you could just take a walk and continue talking after the coffee? You don't necessarily have to be doing something very active, you'd be surprised what a nice walk can accomplish. Important thing is you are together.

 

She will be driving there, I'll be catching the bus Lol.

At the end it will be awkward if she offers to drive me home. I'd have to accept. That seems ok to me though.

 

Unless you have other plans already made, take the ride. More time together is a good thing. And you don't want to seem rude by rejecting her offer.

 

This means I get decent results, but I also get very few results because the "right" situations are rare.

So my goal is to be more spontaneous and ask girls out without thinking of how I will construct the consersation, make them laugh etc.

 

But the rare situations are the ones with the most and best potential. Why do you think things that are rare are valued so much? I think its better to wait for the right moments where things are more likely to go well then to be trying at everything and find that the majority of time you get bad results.

 

It's not just about how not to construct conversations, its about how not to think about wanting or needing to get a date. When you aren't thinking about it at all, you're more likely to do it. Odd, isn't it?

 

Do girls expect to just be asked out at random times? Do they even like this?

 

No. Who wants to be asked out by a total stranger? You need to take the time to get to know each other.

 

Also, I was just being myself and I wonder if she thinks I'm gay lol because I think I come accross that way sometimes when talking to girls.

 

All in your head. No one is thinking you are gay. Don't worry about or think you have to do something to prove your manhood.

 

I never tell a woman when I am going to call, and then when I do call her in 4-5 days if she remembers me that is a good sign. If she says "Who?" then maybe she didn't really like me

 

Remember, this can easily backfire on you. Wait a while, and girl might think you lost interest, thus losing interest in you. And it just comes off as a way of testing the girls interest in you, which is a game you don't need to be playing.

[Dating Coach]

I think by having a getaway was for in case things went really badly. I don't see what is wrong with being prepared.

 

People get asked out by total strangers all of the time. I for one find it very flattering as long as it is done respectfully. When I met my girlfriend I asked her for her phone number and I didn't know her. So that should answer your question since we are in an actual relationship.

 

So to answer the question, yes you can ask a girl you don't know out, and as long as you do it with class, then there is nothing wrong with it. If she is so uptight as to actually think negatively of a classy approach, then she isn't worth your time anyway.

[registered]

Thanks for that ocrob...I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who finds it a not too easy.

 

Asking women out is hard, if you do not know if they have a boyfriend. If you know they don't, then just ask.

Yep that sounds like good advice, best not to let an opportunity of meeting the right girl go by.

 

...and don't want to put her on the spot.

Oh yeah, I know that feeling, I felt guilty one time for putting a girl on the spot and even though it went well I was worrying about why she said "yes" thinking that she had probably just said it because she was put on the spot.

 

From your post I understand how important it is to be a friendly and outgoing person, and so this is my goal.