should I stay or go

[cnfzd]

I am so confused. I have been dating this man for three years. He is sweet, smart, and kind. He thinks that I am "the one" but I just don't know. We met in professional school, and so our three years of dating commenced and continued through a stressful time in our lives.

 

We started dating soon after I ended a four year relationship. He was an opposite to this person, and I think that was a large part of my initial attraction. Most of the time we get along well. However, we are both stubborn type "A" personalities. He enjoys pushing my buttons, so we argue about little things (sometimes often), but have never really had any huge blowout fights.

 

We both graduated in May. I received a job offer in his home state (after 1.5 years of dating) and moved here in August (after 2.5 years). I was hoping to spend time together out of the stress of school to get to know one another in the "real world".

 

We have not lived in the same city since May. He has been searching for a job, and received an offer about 3 hours away, which he has accepted. I, meanwhile, have been by myself in this new city, with out support of family and friends, and feeling a bit lonely. Although he was staying with his parents (two hours away since august - 7 hours away before that) while searching for a job, he did not come down often (perhaps every two weeks since august). Although, now he has been communicating more frequently, and visiting more often.

 

He also is not a "phone person" so our phone conversations were more sporadic, sometimes going a day or two without talking.

 

I know that he is thinking of asking me to marry him. We have great chemistry, and I know that he would be a good husband and father. However, I am just not excited at all about the thought of getting married. Does this mean that he is not "the one."

 

Help!

[hcochick]

if your not comfortable with marrying him then its not the right choice

[blueangel]

Not at all! It just means the timing isn't right if you're just not so excited about marriage in general. Just let the both of you get settled in with your lives and things should happen naturally- when you're both ready. If he loves you, he can wait.

[DN]

Don't marry him unless you are sure. So many people do that and it is one of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high. But you should also not keep him hanging on if you don't see a long-term commitment - you have to think of his well-being as well as yours and he should be given the chance to find someone who does want him.

 

BTW - why does he always have to come to you - can you not make the effort to go visit him?

[Beec]

It kind of sounds to me like you have been not getting your needs met by him, in recent months, and that seems to be a result of circumstances. I think you could try to give him a not yet answer, if he asks. But I could also see him taking that as a flat no and ending it.

[alrightie_ms]

If the chemistry is there and you really like him, then i would say show some efforts of really getting to know each other before deciding on anything. If he truly is for you, he'll wait. And if after trying still you can't picture yourself marrying him, then i think you know what to do girl.

 

You know some people might think that spending some real time together before marriage is not really that important. It does.

[blueangel]

It may also be good to go to a marriage conselour even before you two get engaged (but are talking about the future at least- you dont want to freak anybody out.) This way, you two can put yourself into the further reality of that situation and see how you would both deal with real life occurrences and conflicts. It would make you stronger as a couple but doesn't actually obligate you to marry. Only the ring does that.

 

I mean, the ideal of marriage is to be forever. You need to be really sure that you both want the same things from life and your values are alike. Even if you are compatable, having drastic differences in those areas would cause problems so it's good to talk about it now. It's not something to shy away from because even if you are both just thinking about it (or one of you- doesnt matter) it's something that needs confronted. So be honest with him and dont hide your hesitations.