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Lost... what do i do


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I have been married for one year, and have been with my wife for 3 years total. we slowely grew apart. She told me that we need to fix things before they led us to a divorce. I dont even know where to start. I took it as all my fault.. we hurt our marriage together. She has pulled away from me. We agreed that we needed to take space so she can deal with her problems from her past and her feelings for me. She says that she loves me but not like she used to. We just had a child a year ago.. we have an awsome son... we love him so much.

The thing is that i have fallen totally back in love with her. And that is why its hard for me to just give her the space that she needs. She wants our marriage fixed but need to fix our friend ship first. Now she says that if i touch her it makes her feel weird.. she put a wall up to block her emotions from me to help her deal with her problems.. she says that she is trying to fall back in love with me but doesnt know how to start. We argue beuase i feel as i have no say in what is happening.. I just want her happy i feel like i am excluded in fixing our marriage. She doesnt know if our marriage can be fixed but she is trying the best she can but doesnt want to speak to any one. I will say that being she is sepparated that (well there are no papers signed its a mutual agreement) she feels that if i wanted to go out with a friends nd see a movie that i can and if i need to feel love durring all of this she would understand... its the kind of person she is. the worst thing is that she became friends with a guy that would listen and it was helping her... i found out that they had held hands and peck kissed on the lips... she feels that we are not together right now being we are sepperated and 2 weeks ago we got into a fight.. a bad one and in anger she told me that all we had in common is a child and a ring. I bassically was angry and told her to leave.... i asked her to stay and she did... but that night she was angy and lonely and one thing lead to another and she slept with that friend... It didnt mean anything to her... but the friend bowed out of the picture and said that he wanted nothing to do with her and me. He was only a friend. She was not happy that she did it, but needed that feeling cuas at the time she could not get it from me.... She wants to try and fix our marriage.. but i am working to hard to fixit where she just needs time... Is there any advice on how to go about fixing what has happened.. I do not hate what she did.. i am hurt but i drove her to that place that she needed filled.... I love my wife... Is space what is needed.. is there anything I can do....

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Prehaps she is suffering from post natal depression? happens to quite a lot of women. Prehaps theres just no "spark" left. The first year with a new child can really take a toll on the relationship.


Prehaps ask her over to talk and just set up some time for you two alone. To do the things you did when you first started to go out.


If you are doing this "space" thing then thats fine. I did it with my wife and turned out to relieve a lot of the pressures we had and clear the air. Of course this must mean both parties are committed to fixing the marriage. Maybe do like this: agree to the space, but set up some ground rules. No sleeping around, contact only to be about your son, maybe meet once a week for a meal the three of you and set a time limit on this. Like after 1 month you see where you are.


I understand you dont want to let your marriage just die without a fight. Shpw her you care, love her and want to make it all work, show her so theres no doubt in her mind. And then back away. Give her TOTAL space.


Good Luck!

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Thank you.... She is trying to see if she can get a place to stay at for the time being to see if we can work it out... I guess i have pressured her to much.. all she asked for was space and i wanted to do everything to fix it. She wants it fixed but she isnt sure if she can get past it... Only time will tell... she is willing to see it work.. so i need to just give her what she needs...

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I just had a client with a very similar situation with the exception that the "other guy" was her boss. Same symptoms, same complaints.


When dealing with this type of an affair and it was an affair, she was obviously looking for something that she was not getting from you. PPD is more than likely not the issue here. I strongly recommend first determining where this train got derailed. Couples counseling is a good place for this. Right now while neither one of you are pressing the issue to get back together, use the space in conjunction with the counseling. This may help to uncover some underlying reasons for her actions. This is a time to try to understand what went wrong not to judge, keep that in mind.


If the relationship is deemed repairable, you have a long hard road in front of you but many have traveled it and survived. If you decide to split up for good this will at least bring the necessary closure to the relationship and put it on a level where you can remain civil and be effective co-parents. Good Luck.

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but is it still possibel that she wants all this fixed... she has this anger towards me becuase she feels that i did not listen.. She told me that she just needed space .. but i was the one that was doing all i could to help fix our marriage... her sleeping with some one else after i hurt her with the argument was her filling that lonely void that she had she was angry and could not get from me what she needed... in her eyes she was sepperated she is 20 years old.... i dont think she realized that becuase we were separated and trying to fix things that we are still together .. she desnt consider it cheating.... I still love her and right now she is angry with me ... she still loves me but it doesnt feel like it used to.... she wants to try to fall in love again... but she doesnt know how to go about it...


How do i get someone that thinks she is un helpable to get help....

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i will say that her sleeping with him was after her and i have agreed to be sepperated for 2 months... I did not give her the space that she needed.. she was lonely and after the one that she thought would never hurt her threw her out of the house... she ran to be comforted by a friend that she did not know all that long.. they were all friends.. she told him that it meant nothing and that she just needed that feeling .. and that when it was all done.. that they were only friends... he i believe thought it to be more.. so he backed out of the picture.... so through this she has lost a friend.. I feel that i drove her into his arms.... Am i right about this... she Just wants to breath.. and i have kept her mad.. becuase i am scared to lose the one i love.. to the point that i am afraid that i have made things worse... she is trying to get a place to stay so that she can clear her head to try to fix things... so that we dont have to share a house.... what do i do... do i believe that she really wants to try to fix our marriage like she says.. she says i need to stop bringing it up cuase it is making it harder for her to let go.... I need some one to talk to..... so any advise would be helpful....

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I can only agree with what relationship Coach says. I think it would be wise to see professional. If she won't go with you, then you need to go alone.


I can share with you my personal experience, as I think my experiences are very similar.


I was with my (now ex) wife for 11 years. We dated for seven years, and were married for the final four. After only three months of dating her, I realized I was not happy and tried to break up with her. However, that did not work as planned, and she convinced me to stay together and keep trying to fix things. Looking back, I realized that was a mistake. We had only been together for three months, yet we already need to fix things?


In the last four years that we are together things slowly got worse. While we never had children, we did move from California to Colorado for my job. At that time, she chose not to take a job in her executive profession, and instead chose to be a bartender. I should have realized what was happening. While she worked as a bartender, she of course caught the eye of many men. Unbeknownst to me, she began dating many of them, and cheated on me several times. For some reason, when I found out, I tried to be accepting and let it continue – yes I knew. Our sex life was non-existent, and it was like I was living with my sister. I felt like I meant nothing to her, and in her eyes that was true to an extent. I meant nothing as a mature man. I was more like her child.


What really struck me here was what you said that she loves you so much but not like she used to. And how you follow that up with the fact that you just had a child. The reason why this struck me is because one conclusion I came to was that I was like a child to my wife. She enjoyed taking care of me like a child, but the problem was I was immature. As she met more men who were more of a mature, adult, gentleman type it became clear to her that I was nothing in comparison. I can't blame her, looking back, because I realize how I was dealing with things WAS very immature.


You point out that she says if you touch her it makes her feel weird. I wonder if this has anything to do with my situation where she felt like I was a child to her. I can't blame her if this was the way she felt, because I did have a lot of growing up to do.


I notice that you also say that you try to help her deal with their problems, which is admirable, but for me I was always trying to solve the problems but did not understand that *I* was the problem.


I was not giving her what she needed. I was not being the father. I was still the child. And now for you, she may feel like she has two children. Of course, before the child was born, is it possible she loved you as the rep-cursor to your new son? Of course, if that is true, once he came along … yeah, you’re out of luck unless you morph into the father figure.


The whole thing with her hanging out that other guy tells me that she is giving her something that she is not getting from you. As a new mother, I see her reaching out for a man who acts more like a father figure. To me, this reflects a lot of my personal situation. My wife was reaching out for an adult, mature, confident, responsible, and challenging husband. The problem was I was acting like a crying, smothering, spoiled eight year-old brat. When you say that you got into a fight with her, this reminds me of my own lack of self-control, where I yelled at her and was mean to her. Simply because I was angry. However, I realize I was immature, and as adult it only served to drive a wedge further between us. She could not tolerate my bad behavior, so she punished me like a mother would a child.


One thing I am confused about though is how you asked her to stay, but asked her to go? Can you clarify that? Where she cheated on you? What exactly happened there?


I think the one thing that you have going for you is that you say that you are hurt, but you drove her to that place that she needed filled. To me, that tells me you understand that you do have something to do with the problems, and are looking for a way to solve it. I applaud that self-recognition.


For me the one realization that I came to was again that I was acting like a child. Much later, I happen to stumble accross a movie that made a lot of sense to me, and that movie is called "The Tao of Steve". I watched that movie once and realized that I was the desperate young man with dark hair. I tried too hard to push things along, but had no understanding of what I was doing or why. And the worst part was that was being desperate, disrespectful and rude.


All of a sudden I realized that there are lots of resources out there that could help me improve myself and get back what I had lost. Of course in my case, this was well after I had been divorced. I was too proud to ask for help at the time. So it was too little too late for me. But I learned so much I cannot believe it. I am truly thankful for the experience.


I spent a lot of time reading relationship books and self-improvement books and web sites, and asking other men for help who had happy and healthy relationships. After little while I stumbled accross one web site that I thought was particularly good, and basically taught me that I need to have self-confidence, self-control, and be a challenge. I had absolutely no self-confidence, I had very little self-control, and I was about as challenging as a peg-in-a-hole toy designed for two-year-olds. In a nutshell, I was boring, supplicating, and a crybaby.


So I took a little while to examine myself and figure out what I could do to act more mature, act less like a boy and more like a man. What I stumbled accross was the concept of using a role model to help me improve myself. At that time, I decided to start watching movies with Cary Grant as the lead actor. While I had previously watched some of his movies, I just sort of blew off him as being some Mr. Wonderful who I could never be, and really never thought about what he did or why. However, now I was watching him with a critical eye, I realized it was not really difficult to do the same things that he was doing. He was polite, funny, flirted with women, never lost his temper, and generally was just a pretty cool guy to be around. The obvious, of course, is that you don't mimic exactly everything he does, but I understand now the concepts that he uses. I also, in my opinion, understand why many men and women think he's a role model of a perfect gentleman. He has all the traits that I am starting to realize are powerful for me - self control, self-confidence, challenge.


So hopefully my experience will shine a light on what you're going through right now and be of some assistance to you.


In addition, while you have posted a good general overview of which are going through, maybe if you can post some very specific examples and conversations that you’re having, other people can give you feedback on what may or may not be going on. If you appreciate what I'm saying here, please let me know I'd be happy to apply what I have learned to your situation. I can certainly tell you that when I look back on what I did knowing what I know now I would have handled things a whole lot differently.


Anyway, hope to hear from you, otherwise I wish you the best of luck. It's a very tough place to be. I know.

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poco i will say that I am 28 and She is 20 There is a relationship gap and if anyone feels like the parent it is me. She has always been friends with guys... The thing is is that she has fallen out of love ith me and wants to try to fix it... But doesnt know if she can.. cuase through the past 2 months her anger for me has grown.... but she doesnt hate me... she is just frustrated... she only wants the marriage ended if we cant get it to work... i just need to know what i can do to try to help... I am afraid that if i give her total space and all the young guys her age out there.. that she will get her self hurt....


we still kissed and held each other and and sleptr in the same bed.. then she felt that i wasnt listening.. and she turned off all emotion to me to i take it as make me listen to what she was saying.. then me trying to fix things.. i was not givingh her the space she wanted.. and she told me that once she built that wall that she doesnt know how to tear it own.. so now that i touch her it feels weird... i feel it to be that she wants me to touch her half way but on the other side she has made her self not like how it feels so she wont give in... So i wont push things... we got drunk one night with friends and she sat in my lap and held my hand.. and never realized she did.. she slept beside me in bed and layed against me got up got back in bed against me.. the next morning she said that drinking doesnt make your true feelings come out and that i was on her side of the bed... Is it possible that she blocked these feelings and she doesnt know how to take it down and now it is making things harder for her.... I have made the situation worse by talking about it to much with her, and i guess in her eyes being pushy.. i am scared to lose her.. any ideas she told me today that she needs space and to try and see if she can get through this , if she can she wants our marriage fixed... and if not.. then atleast friends... is there any light at the end of the tunnell? any questions?

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Ok, let's get this straight. The two of you are married, it was an affair. She can spin this any which way she wants, sexual relations with someone else outside of the marriage is adultery. Her comments and reasoning are all too common. You drove her in to this guys arms? No, her lack of morals and family values did that. Her meaningless sex with this other guy was not so meaningless to you and your one-year old son! Stop letting her get away with manipulating you in to thinking that this is your fault. It's not!


Stop being scared of losing her! You have already lost her and you need to prepare yourself for a divorce. If by chance this can be worked out and I say if because it is 100% up to her right now whether this is going to work or not you need to be strong and become indifferent to her. Stop pleading and begging. Here is what you should do and it's real simple. "Honey, the only way we can restore our marriage and make a family for our son is to go together to a counselor and work out our issues, if you can't do that, then I cannot remain married to you." Start acting like you have a pair and use them!

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do you have to be legally separated if she is trying to apply for low income housing.. we can not afford two big rentals....

but we will still be married if we are legally separated right its basically time for the couple to try and fix the marriage.. let me know..

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one thing I noticed here is that you seem to be coming from position of absolute fear and desperation of losing her. in my opinion, just like dogs can smell fear, women can smell desperation. It's not attractive, in my opinion.


Your opinion about her getting used by all young men out there is very correct, but if you were to tell that to her she may see that as coming from a place of desperation to try to trick her into staying with you. and from what little I can tell, he spent the night with her, but then she said that you weren't listening. What strikes me here is not so much that you weren't listening to what she was saying, but you were not respecting her wishes for space apart. You forced yourself into a position of intimacy with her that she did not want, and this was disrespectful. is that possible?


it's like she's not saying listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth, but see the bigger picture. The more you say the more I realize this may be a possibility. Your posts reflect the absolute desperation to solve this quickly, but that quickness is preventing you from focusing on a deep and long term solution. It's like you're using white out to cover up a written error, but that ink is still underneath the white out, and the white out can always fall off.


One thing I tell a lot of guys when they go on their first date is to not touch the woman until after she touches them first. When a woman touches a man, it signifies her interest level in the man. If you watch that movie, I recommend, it speaks to that in greater detail, and you might understand better what I'm talking about. When she was drunk, it's almost like he took advantage of her by pushing her back into the relationship that you wanted. In my opinion, no matter how drunk, we are or we know exactly what we are doing. In that way, it may be possible that she was testing you to see if you would take advantage of her in this so-called weakened state. If she was really tests on you, then you absolutely, positively failed.


When you say that you have made the situation worse by talking to her more about it, I can totally understand that. It sure cannot be very fun for her to come home only to have you start up for hours of therapy talk with her. and another thing that I tell young men when they are first starting to date a woman, or even when they have been dating for a long time, is to avoid the serious topics of conversation unless they're absolutely necessary. In my opinion, over 95% of the time, you will have an opportunity to flirt, to joke, to laugh, and just be yourself. now and your case, I understand that you are having difficulties, but if all you do is focus on them, and act like there are problems, she will pick up on that and your relationship will mimic your feelings for it. And of course, this is just my opinion.


I think there is lighted tunnel, but the one thing that concerns me the most is that you are so scared. This fear is blinding you from finding solutions.


Do you have any male friends that you can go hang out with and ask for advice? is their library nearby where you could go check out books on relationship issues and saving a marriage? there are a lot of resources out there, but you do have to take the time to go find them, read them, understand them, and apply them.

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You cant (she cant) wait for feelings to just happen to her. She has to chose to act as she would if they were there for them to blossom again. Marriage is a sacred thing that shouldn't just be backed out of especially if you have a child. She wants a friendship but what you both need is love. Talk to her about why she is holding back and what's in her past. Sometimes females act a certain way so that their other will change something about themselves. I dont know why we do this but many do. Do things for her and really show interest in who she is. Let her know how much you care. Space isn't going to do it. If she married you, she has already chosen what it is she wants. It's her actions that she must choose now so tell her to make the choice.


Anything can be saved and anything can be lost. If she wants a friendship, then it is because she does not feel fulfilled in that way. Resisting your love as a payback to you (and perhaps to life) is not going to ease her pain. This is something she has to confront with you- and tell her that no matter what, you will always be on her side.


It's time for the head games to stop. I'm a female too so i recognize them when I see them- just dont put any blame on her or get defensive. This only causes people to rebel. Understand her. That's all she wants


And please let HER know how her actions have made you feel. If you open up, the chances of her doing so as well are greater. Good luck. Communication is always the key

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Oh, wait- I missed that I think. There's someone else involved!


Then, there may be nothing you can do. SHe needs to realize that she is in a marriage and to that she is bound. Her unfaithfulness could be forgivable, but it is unforgettable. She needs to know the consequences of her actions and what, really she has done- to you and to your child.


When my parents separated, I was split in half... I had two lives and the worst part is, I wanted to be part of them both.

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Ok, let's get this straight. The two of you are married, it was an affair. She can spin this any which way she wants, sexual relations with someone else outside of the marriage is adultery. Her comments and reasoning are all too common. You drove her in to this guys arms? No, her lack of morals and family values did that. Her meaningless sex with this other guy was not so meaningless to you and your one-year old son! Stop letting her get away with manipulating you in to thinking that this is your fault. It's not!


Stop being scared of losing her! You have already lost her and you need to prepare yourself for a divorce. If by chance this can be worked out and I say if because it is 100% up to her right now whether this is going to work or not you need to be strong y and become indifferent to her. Stop pleading and begging. Here is what you should do and it's real simple. "Honey, the only way we can restore our marriage and make a family for our son is to go together to a counselor and work out our issues, if you can't do that, then I cannot remain married to you." Start acting like you have a pair and use them!


i totally agree with this..... i am in almost exactly the same situation ... even with the same aged son, post natal depression, change of behaviour, feeling unable to talk to me about anything and blaming me for that..... i have no proof of an afair but an admission of an emotional affair with a man from work ( with a dodgy history) consisting of 20-30 texts a day which she agreed to stop months ago but is still doing so behind my back ( bills prove it)..... last night i gave my wife of 4 months an ultimatum .... to give up the friendship completely get councelling with me or a divorce.... i love my wife. this was one of the hardest things i have ever done. but it is the only way i can see of making any start to fix our problems.

She says he is only a friend but who texts a friend every 30min morning to night. she admits to only being able to share emotions feeling with him.... so who's she married to? i have tried every other aproach with no result...

this is going to be a wakeup call or the end of the marrage... she gives me the answer in 75 min in town. i'll let you know what happens.... ps i probably could not have managed to have brought myself to do this without the support of my mother and friends..... get support. there is alot here

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I understand everyones point.. I need to give her space... In her eyes.. even though we are married.. we agreed to be apart.. so when it happened with the other guy.. it was not a relationship it was just to fill that need that she was to angry with me to let me fill.... And through this she has lost him as a friend. He walked away and said he wanted no part of it. And she wasnt upset she was mad cuase another girl had to tell her.... In her eyes he was only a friend that if something happened to fill the lonelyness that that was all it was.... did she like him.. prob yes.. did she want a relationship... no..

she has to fix her problems as well as me.


We are going to take time apart to fix our friendship which is getting better... We have agreed that we are going to try and fix our relationship.... And try and seek counselling. We had good times before, and she remembers them.


I am scared of losing her. I still love her... And she knows how bad it hurts.... She has Stress on her from multiple angles and problems from her past.... And then there is me. She even agreed that the other stress and problems are adding fuel to the fire. I have a hard time, becuase the past 2 months have been of me doing everything she wants.. nothing that i want..... she doesnt intend it that way... but she has always been that way. We are going to give it time and another try.All i can do is hope and believe in her and me...... She doesnt know how to try to fix our marriage.. but she wants to try .... So that all i need to remember and work on.....


and towards me taking blame.. i feel it easier to accept responsibility for it and deal with it compared to dealing with it when it isnt my fault......


some times she is aggitated by me.. but then the rest of the time we talk and she is playful..... All we can do is work together to try and fix our problems.


We have a very open (no secrets) relationship...


I am not angry with her i am just hurt.....

Is it wrong to feel like i am being replaced when she says that i am not.. that i need to just give her space to heal.


in her eyes.. she feels that when her and the other guy slept together it was after 2 months of her and I being apart. ( she feels that were not together at the time becuase we agreed to be sepperated) AND that we do need to try and see if we can fix things one step at a time, one day at a time.....

she is not totally at fault mutual problems brought us to this problem... It wasnt an affair that started our problems.. it was the pushing and arguing that did we had agreed that we would take care of each others needs to we figure things out.. but i screwed that up by wanting more.......... So she filled it else where. Which hurt. i am pushing...not trying to but if i dont give her the space and time then it will be over.. I know this.. but its so hard to just walk away.... After talking to her about the whole other guy thing... she asked me... "you really think that i am going to leave you for him, I am not if we cant get along and can not fix things that that will be the reason that we get a divorce" We are trying.. i just need to realize that and take it day by day

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and she will tell you her self that i did not drive her into his arms... that it is not my fault that it is all hers.... and that nakes it harder on her... She is willing to try.. that all i need to realize.... so any tips on how to take it day to day... let me know......

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is there light at the end of the tunnel with taking time apart she feels that she can try and fix the dammage that we have created, and fall back in love with me... She cant promiss me that she can but she is willing to try and fix our relationship. she isnt going to lie to me.... she hasnt yet... I know everything..... Thats why we are open with our selves. We knew we had trouble we just failed to do anything when we should have. what do you all think

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I found this site about "working on your relationship":


Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say

to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at



But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.


When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.


When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.


When you argue, you're working at improving them.


When you try to reason with them.


When you tell them how much you love them.


Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much

you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at

changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the

only problem.


Proof? You want proof?


Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.


Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent,

whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.


It's perfectly okay.


And watch them improve themselves.


Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because

their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when

you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with

them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent

totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that

there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.


You have put the white flag up.


You've thrown your gun down.


That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when

you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to

defend you.


It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.


Agree with them.


Do not disagree at all.


It's not to your advantage.


It's a dumb thing to do.


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  • 3 weeks later...



so am i right to think differently on my situation.. she is quick to say it is over but does admit that we need to fix our friend ship and that what ever happens happens and that if we can get our relationship back then that would be great. she is quick to make a decision on us and is depressed and dead inside and doesnt love her self..... her saying that she knows she doesnt love me thinks that she is not making a thought out decision.. so right now the space is going well.. we are just talking around 10 pm before we go to bed... we are not arguing... that is the reason for this .. to stop us from arguing.... so who knows.... does any of this make sense.. i know she has slept with some one else.. but in her eyes we ae not together and we are separated.. but she is doing what ever she can to , just make her self happy.... I dont know.. i think she just is lost.. and am still going to try and get her to get help.. or go with me for help my self as well as medication....

its weird being away from her feels good.. but i do worry about her and miss her..... its weird

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