Don't want to "play it cool" anymore

[HeckaBekah]

Last weekend I kissed this guy I've been interested in who I met in early November. I didn't hear from him until Friday when he texted me asking how my afternoon was going. We texted back and forth a couple of times. The next day I texted him once and he replied but that was all of our contact. I was going to wait it out, but for some stupid reason I called him yesterday. He didn't call me back and maybe I'm stressing out too much (I tend to because I'm so scared of being led on since in past relationships my exs ended up leaving me high and dry). I just thought about how he said to call him anytime which he stated a couple of times in the past.

 

For awhile there I felt like I had more of an understanding of how interested he was because he would initiate phone calls. Then after not hearing from him for awhile I called since I figured he wanted me to call him. I've intiated a few phone calls so far and I've text him first a couple of times. One time I asked if he wanted to hang out and he said yes and that he would call me later, which he did and then we ended up hanging out and then kissing. I asked if he wanted to hang out because he had asked me out on a date a couple weeks after we met so I figured I would make some effort and suggest that we hang out.

 

I've never been in a situation where I've taken things this slow. I'm not saying its bad, but I get confused easily since guys in the past have had more interaction with me when we first met. I am stressing myself out and I know that I shouldn't, but I'm just sooo scared. I just wish I knew where he stood. He seems to be more mature than the guys I've dated in the past but I do not know him very well. I feel like maybe we are both playing it cool, but I don't want have that role anymore.

 

Does anyone have any advice? Am I concerned over nothing or am I wasting my time? I'm going to wait until he calls and right know I feel as if I should just wait awhile to call him back. Tonight I plan on going out line dancing with my friends (its new to me, but fun!) and there is a good chance I will see him so I plan on being dressed to kill. How do I attract him while showing him that I'm not going to wait around for too long???

[Derek]

I am curious,

 

what's the worst that could happen if you said to him in a lighthearted way, "Hi, I am curious how you think this thing we have between us is going to go?" or something like that?

 

Is the truth so bad?

 

Do women use some other method to read his mind?

[ShySoul]

Line dancing? Mind if I come along?

 

Ok, I think the easiest and best way of handling this is to just talk with him about it. If you want to know where he stands, then ask. You deserve to know what is going on between you do. Say you are confused about things and are wondering just what you are to each other. Have a heart to heart talk. Say exactly how you feel. Say you want to take it slow but that you also can't be waiting around if he's not into this himself.

 

Derek - I think the reason most people don't come out and say things like that is fear. Being that direct leaves you vulnerable. People worry so much about what if things go wrong and how they will be hurt, that they forget there is a chance things will go right. So they play games or dance around things, which only leaves them confused and things not settled.

[HeckaBekah]

I started thinking about how he might just be fearful to the point that he's kind of lazy (he tends to be a little on the shy side but he feels more comfortable around me, which I think should be enough to get his act together!) and doesn't want to really work for anything right now, especially since about three months ago he got out of a four year relationship. I can kind of see where he's coming from but I want to show him that I'm a great girl and won't be around for too long.

 

I figured that I needed to kick him in the butt so he could see what's really in front of his face! Last night I got all dressed up to go line dancing and even though I hardly know any dances I got out there and had a blast with my friends. I talked to him a little bit, but didn't want him to think that I went there for him. I went to have fun! I walked up to a group of guys and started a conversation with them while looking for my friends and there was this one guy in particular who wanted to dance even though he didn't know the dance moves (very cool!). We danced to some slow songs and at the end of the night he asked for my number and I gave it to him even though I wasn't interested since he seemed to be a pretty nice guy.

 

One of my friends told me that the guy I do like was looking at me all throughout the night and I noticed that he was really friendly when I talked to him a couple of times. I was really friendly also, but kept the conversation short. When I said goodbye I was friendly, but also aloof.

 

He called me tonight and I plan on calling him back, but I'm going to wait it out for a day, just to show him that I'm not always going to call him back right away (translation: I'm not always going to be around when he wants me to!). When I do talk to him I will be honest with him by saying that I am interested in getting to know him better. Then I want to ask him where he stands. I don't mind at all taking things slow, but I just want to know what he really thinks of me! Should I do it over the phone or wait until I see him in person?

 

 

P.S. Shy Soul- So I'm guessing that you know how to line dance. If I knew you I'd ask if you could teach me some moves!!

 

P.S.S. Thanks to both of you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I greatly appreciate it!

[ShySoul]

Well, don't usually go for games or jealousy, but do what you want. If it works, I'm happy for you. I'd recommend in person. It just makes it more personal.

 

Sorry, don't know any line dancing. I just have an interest in learning and making a fool of myself. Sounds like fun.

[HeckaBekah]

He called me while he was at work today so I decided to talk with him. We talked for awhile and then I ended the conversation. I told him that I would probably drop by his house after I went shopping this week so I could give him a gift and he said that I'm welcome at his place anytime.

 

I was excited about the situation until my friend told me something disturbing after I chatted with him. I got a little sick while I was out the other night and she had talked with him and told him that I wasn't feeling good and that he should come over to see me. He said he would but didn't. Instead he stood by the door as I was walking out of the bar at the end of the night to say goodnight.

 

I didn't know she told him that and it was just today that he told me that my friend told him I was sick. That was all he said. I told him that this other guy I was with was nice enough to give me a glass of water. I thought that was very sweet. He also asked my friend if I was okay (but I didn't include that in the conversation).

 

My heart sunk when my friend told me what she had said to the guy I'm interested in and how he didn't check up on me. I'm dissappointed and don't know what to think. I'm a little thrown off now. He has done gentlemanly things like opening doors, giving me his jacket when I was cold,etc.. However, I don't know if it's just to impress me or if it is from his heart. He is more reserved and shy...I knew he wouldn't have asked me to dance because it probably scared him to since I was with a group of gals and guys. But on the other hand, I don't want to make excuses for him. Please help me out!

[HeckaBekah]

I started to try and figure things out on my own when it occurred to me that in order to gain respect I have to respect myself. Most likely when I first meet a guy he is going to impress me by going out of his way, but doesn't know me enough to really put his heart into it. I've had it where guys went out of their way in the beginning, but gave up quickly since I put so much effort into a relationship before they could really gain respect for me. This is because too early on their expectations were so high that they painted a perfect image of me. When they saw something wrong in the relationship and after I made some mistakes, they quickly assumed that the relationship was something that they could not deal with at all and left me!! So I think that my actions need to show that I respect myself because that is the only way a guy is going to start seeing me for who I really am.

 

I've met guys in the past who wanted to call me all the time and talk for a long time on the phone when I first met them, but this new guy I'm interested seems to be mature enough not to get so involved. However, I think that the only way I'm going to get respect is to toughen up inside and show him I can take care of myself and the only way I can do that is if I force myself to not try so hard to talk to him or see him.

 

He needs to work for my affection and the only way he will work for it is if he knows that I can easily go out and meet other guys. It's sad to say, but its the truth. I realized that in most cases, no matter how much more mature a guy may be he needs to know what exactly he's fighting for and a lot of the time it involves the girl having enough respect for herself to focus on her own life and not worry so much about his.

 

I don't want to bring up anything serious now because I realized that it's not the right time to. Once he becomes more focused on getting to know me he will ask me how I feel about him. It make take awhile, but how else am I going to gain his respect? After all, he needs to gain my respect before I can put in the effort to tell him how interested I am. I don't want to play games, but I feel like I'm more serious about this than he is and the only way he is going to be more serious is if I spend time meeting other guys.

 

I still plan on giving him the gift, but I will make my trip short and to the point. If he wants to call me again he will and if he wants to see me again he will have to make some effort to see me. Most likely I will see him again on Monday night, but I don't plan on asking him to dance. If he wants to dance with me he will ask me...we've already gotten past his shyness and he already knows I will say yes! I want to meet other guys just to focus some of my attention some where else and I think once he gets sick of playing the games he wants to play he will then try to be more serious about the two of us.

[Caterina]

You sound a lot like me. Your real problem lies in two things, insecurity and also overanalyzation. Do not worry about whether or not he likes you. If he does, he will contact you. Focus on other things in your life in the meantime. Also, do not take it personal if someone does not like you, there are many silly reasons why people decide they don't like someone...like that they wear too much of the color red.