Friends with an ex? Impossible or attainable

[darkpumpkin]

I wonder if you can be friends with an ex? I mean I know that if there was really no chemistry between you then there's a possibility I know that if you were friends before then you have a chance to come out as friends in the end. But truly can you be friends with an ex. I know if your helping yourself to carnal lust with that buddy of yours that it never ends up well, one either you get back together (doesn't happen very often) or you basically sever any ties and never see the person again. After a few years I believe you can be friends with someone after a break-up, you both change and the feelings you had die away for some but so soon after you've broken up like 6 months to a year seems to short to me no matter how many relationships you've had in the past. Well boys and girls please let me know what you think, tell me your stories and experiances and maybe I'll be able to solve the question of can you be friends with an ex.

[PocoDiablo]

Sure you can, but I have found that if my new (current) GF were to find out, it would put a strain on the r'ship because she might think I still had feelings for her and would leave to go back.

 

So, yeah, sure, but what message does it send to other people? You know?

[hockeyboy]

im friends with the ex gf now that originally brought me to this sight over a year and a half ago. we didnt speak for a while before we became friends. i enjoy having her as a friend, we can talk about anything...however at the same time...we both admit that its different. basically we have both admitted that one of two things is going to happen. either this friendship is going to dwindle away with time, like when we move on and are serious with other people...or we are going to end up back together. we have talked about how there is always going to be "something" between us that we both aknowledge is there...but neither one of us has acted on it.

 

its much more likely our friendship will dwindle away, compared to being back together...but im also okay with that...because like i said, shes someone i know i can talk to about anything.

 

so its possible, yes...but its different then a normal friendship

[RayKay]

Possible, but not easy to attain. Takes work from both sides, and a major redefinition of your relationship which can be awfully hard. It's why it is best to wait until you truly ARE healed to even try it. And it has to be done without purpose of winning them back, and so forth.

 

It can also as others mentioned cause some issues in the future when you are dating other people you need to be aware of. It's not like a regular friendship in general where you can be all buddy buddy and go hang out all the time, it can cause a strain on your relationships. People often are more leery of friends that are ex's then those that have never been. So you need to be aware of that too.

 

When you can get to the point you don't care if they call you or not, you can treat them like any other friend and not take a cancelled plan personally for example. Or not take them putting another girl ahead of you, and you can put others ahead of THEM and not be held back, then you are on way to being ready to be friends.

[shes2smart]

I've only been able to be friends with one of my exes. The rest I don't bother talking to or even thinking about much anymore at all.

 

The one I am friends with was a guy I started dating in college. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 5 years after that. Broke up when I was 27 and he was 29. We were not the same people we were when we met and we were going in very different directions in life. We both knew we'd gone as far as we could in the relationship and still be healthy individuals.

 

It was not a bitter, angry or nasty parting. It was very sad and painful (first serious relationship for both of us), but for the most part a respectful parting. Even so, we didn't talk to or see each other for about a year after I moved out. At that point some things happened, and he was the only one I felt I could talk to about those events.

 

And that's when we began being friends. From that point forward, any guy I got involved with HAD TO meet him at least once. One of the ways I knew my husband was a "keeper" was when he met my college ex and the two of them got along great. When we all lived in the same city, my husband and my college ex would go hang out together (without me!) on a regular basis.

 

My college ex has since gotten married himself. He & his wife and me & my husband all get together socially a couple times a year. (It'd be more frequently, but we don't live in the same city anymore) Those are always enjoyable evenings...lots of great conversation amongst the 4 of us. My ex's wife is a very entertaining gal and a much better match for my ex than I ever was.

 

To truly be friends with an ex, I believe a couple things need to be in place....and they're not in most break-ups:

 

>The break-up was a mutual decision, not one person leaving and the other wanting to continue the relationship.

 

>The break-up has to have a minimum of arguing/fighting/nastiness.

 

>Both parties treated each other with care and respect during the break-up.

 

>Both parties harbor no desire to be romantically involved with the other again.

 

If those elements are in place, I believe it's not only possible but likely that you can be friends with an ex. If any of those elements is missing, it'll be very difficult, if not impossible, to be friends with the ex.

[novaseeker]

I agree with RayKay and hockeyboy on this one. It's hard to do it, and it's not going be like a normal friendship (at least not for a long time) because once you cross the rubicon from friends to lovers, it really isn't that easy to cross it back to friends again ... not once you have been intimate and shared feelings and so forth. After the healing is done and after the course of years have passed and you have the same level of affection for the person as you would for a friend with whom you had never been involved, then I think it's possible. It may, or may not, be desirable, however, but that depends on you, the person, your other relationships and so forth.

[slw1]

My exgf broke up with me a couple of times but wanted to be friends. the friendship ended one day because I still had feelings for her, So she told me she didnt want to talk to me anymore.

 

Four months later we met by chance and spent the whole day together . At the end of the day she said "It was nice to talk to you and I am glad the anonimity is over". We were friends for a few weeks ,then she did it again. She said she didnt want to talk to me because I still had feelings for her ,even though I only treated her as a friend. That was 5 months ago and we havent talked since.

[fantasia2004]

Yes you can--once you're over the breakup. It also helps if they're not dating.

 

true true true so true...

[fantasia2004]

not always an easy thing to accomplish for most people

[slw1]

I'm guessing you mean animosity? (unless of course you were wearing costumes...)

 

 

 

 

Lol, thanks . I meant anonimity because we would see each other around about twice a week ,but pretend not to see each other. Now five months later we still do this.

[lovecrazy]

In mu opinon I want the ex's out of my life!

 

but if you feel there is a friendship there then go for it!

[xxSaraxx]

IMO Friendship with an ex is attainable, but only when both parties have long since moved on from the relationship. If one of the parties still has strong feelings for the other, then NO, you can't be friends with an ex after a breakup. There is usually always a motive for one party wanting to remain friends after a breakup and on the 'dumped' parties part, it usually involves wanting to remain friends, in order to try and win the ex back. For the 'dumpee', he/she will often say they'd like to be 'friends', for it makes them feel less guilty and better about ending the relationship.

 

Months/years after a breakup, friendship with an ex is attainable and it's more likely to be a successful friendship between both parties. I'm friends with an ex I last saw 11 years ago and our relationship ended verrrrry badly and bitterly.........so yeah, even when relationships end badly, a friendship can still come out of it, in the long run.

[OceanEyes]

I think that it's definitely possible to be friends with an ex. In fact, if the relationship ended respectfully and both people have moved on/ are in different relationships, wouldn't it seem like the perfect friend? I mean, here's a person who knows you very well, you obviously can get along with and talk to ... provided that there are not still lingering feelings, I think that having an ex as a friend is even desirable, not just attainable.

 

However, this isn't a perfect world. Maintaining a platonic relationship with a person you were once involved sexually with can be odd.

 

I'd be able to have a GREAT friendship with my ex, but every time I talk to him, he can't resist the urge to bad-mouth me in some way and pass it off as a joke. To throw my misdeeds back in my face, try to get more information about what happened at the end, etc. It's tiresome and to be honest, it annoys me greatly that, even after three years, he still hasn't just MOVED ON. If he had, I doubt that he'd still take every opportunity to insult or embarrass me. So, I could be friends with him if he wasn't still such a moron. Ah well, he never lets me regret my decision to leave.

[novaseeker]

However, this isn't a perfect world. Maintaining a platonic relationship with a person you were once involved sexually with can be odd.

 

And that's the thing really. It's very, very tricky to put the sexual genie back in the bottle and go back to being friends once you have been intimate ... at least not in the short term. I agree with Sara that in the long term (11 years is a good stretch!) it can be fine because presumably both parties have long since moved on from having feelings for each other, but in the short term I think when people say they are being friends tbh I think there is more to it than that for at least one of the persons involved.

[Liquidius]

I think when people say they are being friends tbh I think there is more to it than that for at least one of the persons involved...

 

I'm friends with a recent ex, and I can say, in both parties, there is no more to it than friendship. However, it wasn't easy, we've been split up for about 8 months (we were together for 2 years) and didnt have a period of NC at all. We both went off with different people, and are now both single, and focusing on ourselves. Its great to have someone to rant to, someone that knows you so well, and understands you.

[Leges39]

I am actually in the process of trying to be friends with my ex after one year and two or so months. why now? well, we are in the same circle of friends and we either both deal and make everyone around us, our friends, comfortable or we try to avoid each other, which would then cause grief for our mutual friends. fortunately, she was in school and was not around much the past year. now that she is done, she is out and about. i have a gF now and she is still single.

 

of course, at this point, there are still some feelings being stirred up on my end since i was the dumped. i still love her and based on that i should be staying away, but hell if i am going to stay away from my social outlet or even ask her to just so i can work it out without her around....i will just have to deal with it somehow differently.

 

so, she has called me some and even had me watch her (ours once) cats at her apartment. the GF was not too happy about it and it was probably a bad move on my part because emotionally it triggered feelings for her to see her stuff and our past.

 

anyhow, is it possible? i hope so with her because she is still a super cool friend and person that i would definetly be friends with if i never dated her in the first place.

 

now i do have a close friend (her and i stayed apart for two years) now that was a girlfriend. she is great and we love hanging out, but it is totally friendship.