Emotionally distant, no kids

[LonelyPerson]

After reading many threads on this forum I realized that my situation is probably one of the easiest.

 

I’ve been marries for 6 years, no kids. I met my wife before university. We studied together and married after finishing the degree. We both work in software industry. We share same religion and observance of religious rituals.

This was the good part.

The bad part is that despite all those similarities, I feel that staying together is just too hard. Essentially we have different views on world and people around us. Basically she is very idealistic and frequently naive while i'm mostly pragmatic and skeptical. Yes, we can try not discussing sensitive issues but that is like pretending to be something that we’re not. It also appears that we have very different characters: I’m very carrier oriented and active type of person, while she is mostly passive person. We make efforts to meet somewhere in the middle but it looks like those behavioral characteristics are impossible to change.

We fight every time my activeness meets her passiveness.

I’m not sure whether I can imagine myself with her in 5 years, and i definitely don’t want to have kids that would grow in an unhappy family. I'm not even sure whether i want kids or not.

The problem is that just thinking that all these years, that our youthful love, that our numerous similarities and commonalities were just a big mistake – is just so horrible that I cannot pull the trigger on our marriage.

Also she is very nice person and I think that since I could not make it with her, I will not be able to live with anyone else. I think I might end up single forever – may be this is the only way for me.

 

I know that compared to some of the stories from this forum, this might seem simple and easy, but I’m so depressed by this problem that I don’t know what to do.

[DN]

Have you talked to her about any of this?

[LonelyPerson]

Have you talked to her about any of this?

Yes we talked about it 1000 times. Every time we try to change something and to hope that despite all of this we can make it work, but it just keeps coming back time and again.

[theantibarbie23]

Have the two of you gone to see any type of professional about this? It can be hard living with someone who's personality is in contrast to your own. I personally find that it can be a good thing sometimes as well.

 

Being with someone who's quite different than myself has allowed me to see things from a new perspective. There are times when I need his insight and vice versa.

 

Don't think that your problems are nothing compared to other people. Everyone's situation is different in one manner or another. It doesn't mean you are hurting any less.

[brokenwings75]

I think it's all about how much you're willing to compromise with each other and still meet both of your individual needs. I think a lot of married couples have trouble learning how to compromise without feeling resentful of the compromises they've made. Nothing is impossible to change if you are both willing to make the effort. Sometimes people think they are talking about the issues that are bothering them, but really they are talking about what lies underneath those issues.

 

Whether you remain in your relationship with your wife or someday start a new relationship with someone else, you will always have to work at being half of a couple. Love is never enough and it certainly isn't easy. We only think it's easy in the beginning because we are willing to work toward the goal of being with the other person. As time progresses and everyday life takes its toll, we begin to believe that the work is just too hard. The truth is, it was always hard but we were more forgiving of the compromises we made in the beginning. If you and your wife are having trouble communicating, a professional might help you both learn to say what you really mean and work toward a solution. A professional can help you focus on solutions (positives), rather than problems (negatives).

 

This kind of situation is never easy, no matter how simplistic the circumstances seem. Just because your problems don't seem as complex as others' doesn't mean that they're not as important. It hurts, but you will find your way. Before you resign yourself to giving up, ask yourself if you've done everything you can to improve the situation. If you haven't, maybe it's time to find solutions that you didn't know existed. If you believe you have, then you've already made your decision.

[hardcharger]

seriously, that sounds like a normal marriage to me.

[brokenwings75]

Yes we talked about it 1000 times. Every time we try to change something and to hope that despite all of this we can make it work, but it just keeps coming back time and again.

 

It keeps coming back because it's unresolved. If you have a problem and it never goes away, you just haven't found the right solution yet. Once you find the right solution, you can both release the issue and it doesn't keep coming back to haunt you.