I think I'm 2 late...

[matthews2k4]

This story is long so blease bere with me......

 

I was in a relationship with this amazing girl for about 8 months. We never had any major problems throughout our relationship except the fact that she lives in Philadelphia and I live in New Jersey. There is about an hour and a half drive between us. She couldn't stand it! The whole time we were together, all she wanted was for us to be together. She wanted to fall asleep next to me at night and wake up with me in the morning. She wanted to marry me and be the mother of my children. She really is amazing.....

 

At the time, I really didn't take her seriously. Because of my past relationships, I didn't want to rush into anything. I wasn't sure what I wanted. My future was cloudy. Well, after 8 months, we decided that we should end it. The distance was more of a problem than ever, and the relationship was basically at a stand still. We still loved and cared for each other very much. But we still let each other go.

 

For the next 8 months, we always remained close dispite being so far apart. We still called each other, sent text messages back and forth, and even visited on occasion. When we did see each other, it was like we never broke up. Neither of us ran off into another relationship. Whenever we needed each other we were there. For the whole 8 months of being apart, she still continued to tell me she loved me, and needed me, and wanted our future to be together.

 

But I continued to be unsure about things. I thought I knew what I wanted, but was in no hurry to take the next step. I feel I was being immature and selfish. And then something happened. You see on Dec. 9 2005 when I woke up, the first person I thought of was her. And then it hit me. Every morning that I woke up, I thought of her! And every night before I went to bed I thought of her!!! And before my very eyes that day my once cloudy future became clear and I started visioning my future and in my future I saw her. I saw a house and babies and her family and myself in the middle of all of this!!!! I know it sounds crazy, but everything that was once confusing all made perfect sense. I realized on that day, that she was my true love. She was the one I wanted to grow old with. She was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

So happy and overwhelmed, I got on the phone and told her what happened and how I felt. We both started crying and I drove up to be with her for the rest of the weekend. Everything seemed to be falling into place, until she broke the news to me that she had started spending alot of time with an old friend of hers and that they were getting close.

 

Well, to make this long story, kind of short, after a couple of days with some time to think about things, she decided that she wants to give it a shot with him. I am completely heart broken and I don't know what to do. I think she is scared cause I just dropped all of this on her like a ton of bricks. He lives alot closer to her and is convenient. I know that deep down in both of our hearts, we are meant to be together. We are soul mates. But she is with him....right now I am in really bad shape.

[PocoDiablo]

Lemme give you one piece of advice - you NEED to go to her and tell her, flat out, something along the lines of "Dump him. Move in with me. We deserve each other." Then shut your mouth and see what she says.

 

Of course, you may want to add something like "Yes, this is big, you take your time and think about it. But I a dead serious and you owe it to yourself to be with the best man that you can get - me."

 

Then wait.

 

If you are better than the man she is with, she will dump him and come to you. That is all I think you can do at this point. But let me tell you one thing - if you come off as desperate, needy, or child-like, it may drive her away. It's important to use the phrase that puts you in the best light. That is why I added the part about "the best man" referring to you.

 

If it does not work out, well, live and learn.

 

I hope she is not the one that got away for you (I've done that before, a 45 minute drive) but believe it or not, an even better woman came along a few years later (she's standing about 5 feet away from me right now.)

[matthews2k4]

I have spoken to her about it. I explained how I felt about her, I told her that I would marry her right that second if only she said yes. I told her that I would drop whatever I was doing and move in with her right then and there if she wanted me too. I told her I could transfer my job.....then distance wouldn't be a problem. Believe me, I layed everything out on the table for her. But I think she got real scared and just decided to stick with him. Her friends and family want me back into her life and know that I'm better than the other man.....but he is convenient right now. He's the "bad boy" and I'm the good guy, and we all know what happens to good guys.....

 

I'm hoping that she is still thinking it over. She is definitely the one for me.....I hope to god that her heart finally leads her back to me. She is the one in my profile pic.

 

I did send her one last email 2 days ago telling her how I feel without overwhelming her and then told her that I'm gonna give her space.

[PocoDiablo]

Ah, okay, you're a nice guy. You need to stop right here and think about why - it's because you are kissing up to her. Until you get over that you have no chance.

 

I am going to keep it short and sweet, so please forgive me.

 

You're boring, predictable, child like, and don't stand your ground.

 

If you really love her, go here:

 

link removed

 

I'd recommend you buy his book (check on eBay, you can get them cheap there.) Just ask Venturer (here on the site) about this recommendation - it's gold, and you NEED it. Read the articles - understand you are coming from a position of weakness.

 

You should never have told her you marry her on the spot. (You should have bought a ring, drove out there, and proposed.) You should never have told her you would drop whatever and move in - instead say she would be remiss if she thought any other man could fulfill her life like you could. Transfer your job? Oh, bad move. The more you say, the more desperate you look.

 

You better believe she got scared! You scared her away. You acted like a child about to lose his mother. You needed to act like a man and tell HER that if she lost YOU then she could never get you back.

 

Bad bay - no. Wrong. He is not acting like a desperate child. He is UNPREDICTABLE and STRONG.

 

Okay, another link tonight:

 

link removed

 

GO now and start reading articles. If you love her as much as you say you do, then YOU need to understand yourself. These articles can help. If you want his book, check eBay first because you can sometimes find them cheap.

[matthews2k4]

Everything you said is exactly right and I think I did scare her away. I just hope I didn't scare her to the point of no return. I will check out the links you sent me , learn from my mistakes, and try and turn this thing around. I'm not going to contact her at all.....Thanks a million.

[PocoDiablo]

You're welcome. I just noticed I posted that link twice, I guess I need a bigger computer screen!

[ocrob]

Matthews24k, you have to realize that his girl is confused. She wrote you off and is now in the early stages of a relationship. As long as she knows how you feel, you just need to do NC. You don't want to be the back up plan, you want to be the one she can't live with out. You also have to understand she is in a tough situation. she does not know how she feels about this guy and wants to see. Most likely it won't work out, if he is not a good guy. But, you can't allow her to think you will be there if things don't work out. Then, there is no reason to go back to you. It seems we all ( mostly women ) make up our minds and it is so hard to go back with the fear we will be hurt. The only way you will have her is if she realizes she needs to be with you when you are not waiting and available. Do you want to hang out as friends and have her go back to you after things don't work out? I tried that and it did not work. Too darn hard! My ex is with a guy that is not right for her, but if things don't work out, I will not be there for her. I started NC about ten days ago and I am moving on. If she changes her mind and I am not with someone, then I might consider, but I am not waiting around. I had an amazing date tonight and it was good. : ) She can't have the best of both worlds. I just met a woman that is amazing and I want to get to know her better, but if my ex wanted to be with me and I was not the second choice then I might be with her. I would not consider weather things worked out with this other woman first. It would be a very hard decision, but I would make it. Don't be a back up plan and be ther after things don't work out. She has the opportunity to make the decison now. She is unwilling to do it so you need to make it clear that now is the time or you are gone. It is such a tough situation for her and you, but that is love.

[matthews2k4]

I did screw it up for myself. I should have taken a different approach on it. I know that I looked desperate and needy through all of this and it scared her away. I'm not going to contact her at all. If her or any of her friends try and contaxt me, I'm gonna let them know that I am moving on. If she decided that it's me she can't live without, well she's gonna have to spend a little time proving it. I made it clear what I wanted and if she comes back, it will be her turn. If she doesn't come back, then I wish her all the best.

Ocrob and Pacodiablo, you both have been extremely helpful through my rough time with this. I really wasn't sure what to do. And with your help, everything makes sense, and I know know what I must do. Let her be, cowboy up, and move on.......

[PocoDiablo]

You're welcome. One more thought came to mind...

 

If her or any of her friends try and contaxt me, I'm gonna let them know that I am moving on.

Be sure to be kind about it, but not to reveal any of your feelings to them. Keep it to yourself.

 

If she decided that it's me she can't live without, well she's gonna have to spend a little time proving it. I made it clear what I wanted and if she comes back, it will be her turn.

This is very valuable. I do recommend you stick to this. It's a great philosophy for any relationship. As I always like to remind folks, it's "give AND take" that makes it work.

[ocrob]

Good luck Matthews. It seems we can all give great advice, but can any of us follow it. lol