help... 1st time on the dating scene here.

[fiasco]

There's this girl that I know in my class. We never talked to each other in the class until towards the end of the semester. As we talked more, studied together, I began to like her. However here's my problem. She told me that about her hanging out with tons of guy friends, drinking, smoking the reefer, etc... I'm not really disuaded from all that however I am intimidated. I feel I'm not experienced enough. When I did try to ask her out she would say no politely, however when I offered to hangout some other time she would say "yea sure" or something to that sort. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PocoDiablo]

I'm going to keep it short - Click my user name and check the last post I made (maybe the second to last.) I just responded to another guy in a very similar situation and in great detail. Hopefully it will help you.

 

Otherwise, can you provide us with a LOT more details? The more the better because we can analyze it and give you some insight. Like, for example, how long have you known her, how often do you talk to her, what do you talk about, what is an example of a conversation, what did she do (body language), is she single, etc.

[fiasco]

Alright I've have not personally known her for a long time, about four weeks now. We have mostly talked when we meet in order to study for an exam. or via phone. The conversations mostly on her part ranged from what she did with her friends to what was on her mind. There are times when she told me that she has idiots as friends. Talked about her family, parents, and sibling. In those conversations I just quietly nod and listen give advice.

 

For example in one setting she hesistated on going to a party. I offered to do something together with her. She was hinting at watching a movie. Either at the theaters or renting. She quickly rejected her idea of going to the theaters since they would most likely be sold out. She did say that she would most like rent. Since I did not know her or her family very well I didn't ask to come over and watch it with her. So we left it at that, finished our assignments and said good bye. When we were leaving I told her that if she ever wanted to hang out, to drop me a line. She said OK, sure.

 

In addition we would conversate about people in our class, the current events, and stupid trivia things. These conversations were less one sided. I noticed that I failed to agree on many issues so in disagree I'd roll my eyes or blurt out frankly that I disagree.

 

On the other hand there are somethings which we have in common which I would like to use to my advantage. Similar pastimes and such.

I have never asked if she has a boyfriend. However I can only assume that she doesn't.

[PocoDiablo]

You know, it just struck me that you asked her out and she said no, but said she'd hang out. Considering how long you have known her, and the apparent lack of chemistry, why do you want to go out with her? It seems like you just talk about boring stuff. You say in the conversations you just quietly nod and give advice. When I see this, I see a big red flag. You're not her therapist, are you? This is something friends do for each other. I personally think that when a woman is romantically interested ina guy, she would not risk boring him with the mundane details of her life like that. Sure, don't get me wrong, they will share things with you, but it kind of sounds like she is just dumping everything on you.

 

She rejected the idea of a movie at the theaters because they would be sold out? Excuse. More like "because it's like a date and I don't want anyone to think we are dating - let alone you." Okay, I could be totally wrong, but that was my first reaction. When has a movie theater been sold out? I mean, really... there is always another show in 30 minutes!

 

You told her if she wanted to hang out she should call YOU. I would never do that if I was trying to get a date. In your case, I think it does not matter because there is no spark, but the next time you are interested in a woman you need to call her and ask her on a date. It's typically is not something a woman wants to do - call a guy up and ask for a date. That's just the way it is, you know?

 

I notice you said some things you have in commong "which I would like to use to my advantage." Doesn't it strike you that here you are having to try and almost convince her to date you, almost trick her into dating you? I think that when people are made for each other it is more natural than that.

 

I think that there is not enough chemistry between you two for anything to happen. What do you think?

[fiasco]

Well I called tonight, and was given an excuse again. It's over. Perhaps, we will remind friends. Kind of leaves me at a loss since I took a gamble on this one, letting another nice lady get away. Thanks for the advice Poco.

[PocoDiablo]

Well, keep in mind that while she may be a nice lady, she's not nice enough to know how cool you are. But the important thing is that you have very quickly learned how to recogize a woman's interest level. Now if you go ask another woman out, it's a lot easier to see what is going on. You've learned a VERY valuable lesson, believe me.

 

If you are friends, don't spend too much time with/on her. Other women may think you are taken or crushing on her, and will avoid you.

 

So go look and see who else might be interested. I bet there are at least 2 other women who would go on a date with you - and be interested!

[ShySoul]

She quickly rejected her idea of going to the theaters since they would most likely be sold out. She did say that she would most like rent. Since I did not know her or her family very well I didn't ask to come over and watch it with her. So we left it at that, finished our assignments and said good bye.

 

Hold on. Yes, she said she didn't want to go to the theater, but why focus on that and look at it as a rejection? Key in on the fact that she offered to rent a movie and have you come over to her house to watch it. A girl offered you over to her place, and you turned her down.

 

In addition we would conversate about people in our class, the current events, and stupid trivia things. These conversations were less one sided. I noticed that I failed to agree on many issues so in disagree I'd roll my eyes or blurt out frankly that I disagree.

 

These aren't boring or stupid topics. These are the kinds of topics people have everyday. These are the topics that people talk about when they are in relationships. And the fact that they were not one sided is good. It means you are having real talks and communicating. The rolling the eyes isn't really good, but otherwise, this is good.

 

[Well I called tonight, and was given an excuse again. It's over. Perhaps, we will remind friends.

 

What was the "excuse?" How are you absolutely positive it is an excuse and not a valid reason?

 

Alright I've have not personally known her for a long time, about four weeks now. We have mostly talked when we meet in order to study for an exam. or via phone. The conversations mostly on her part ranged from what she did with her friends to what was on her mind. There are times when she told me that she has idiots as friends. Talked about her family, parents, and sibling. In those conversations I just quietly nod and listen give advice.

 

Originally you said she does a lot of bad stuff like drinking and drugs. Then the girl starts talking to you about how her friends are stupid. Ever thought that maybe she is trying to change those things about you and is reaching out to you cause she sees you are a good guy who isn't into that stuff. Maybe she likes you more because you are different. Maybe she likes you because you listen to her and are there for her. Doing that really impresses a lady and can get them to start liking you more. It's not being a therpist, it's being a friend whom they can count on. And that is something girls love and look for in a potential relationship.

[fiasco]

Well on the last day of school I met the other girl. I made some small talk and got her number. She told me she didn't have much plans except to go to some parties. I had the opportunity to call the other one whom I deem to be a lost cause. I've gotten more and more excuses from her.

[ShySoul]

If you seem to have a connection with the second girl, then see where that leads. Follow your heart. Good luck and happy holidays.

[fiasco]

 

Originally you said she does a lot of bad stuff like drinking and drugs. Then the girl starts talking to you about how her friends are stupid. Ever thought that maybe she is trying to change those things about you and is reaching out to you cause she sees you are a good guy who isn't into that stuff. Maybe she likes you more because you are different. Maybe she likes you because you listen to her and are there for her. Doing that really impresses a lady and can get them to start liking you more. It's not being a therpist, it's being a friend whom they can count on. And that is something girls love and look for in a potential relationship.

You know, my situation kind of reminds of the movie Forrest Gump. In that the girl likes to party, hang out, and flirt around. And I offering stability and consistency am constantly rejected and given the run around one too many times. And that in the end she might come to me, but what is different here than the movie is that I reject her. Oh well, time to move on.

Say, does anyone know of any good hangout places besides the usual (i.e. movies, parties, parks, etc...)

[ShySoul]

Forest Gump... ah, Jenny.

 

Lame joke alert: Relationships are like a box of chocolates, must of the time you get the yucky nuts and can't stand it, but there is always that good one that gets savored in the end.