Does She Love Me Or Am I Just Getting Played?

[iamjackiamjack]

me and my wife have been devoriced for almost for 6 months, we have been seeing eachother again for the last few months (kissing, saying i love you, sex) then i moved in to a house as i needed a place to live and I dont have a lot of money going to school. so what do I do? I moved in with 2 girls a mom age 54 and her daughter age 23 (they are both over weight and believe me there is no attraction)....... anyways about 4 or 5 days after I moved in my ex wife said that she was pissed that I moved in with 2 women she said it was disrespectfull so she stopped taliking to me for about 3 or 4 weeks. I then decided to wright her a true sorry letter and e mail it to her and to my amaze she called me out of the blue 2 days after i sent it. now she is talking to me again and does not seem to be pissed at me anymore, but she still has a huge wall up and no trust.... what do i do i have always been sappy and weepy asking her to come back and telling her how much i love her miss her and cant live with out her (crying) I know i have stoped all the weeping. I dont want to push her away anymore but i want her to know i still want her back and love her. PS here is our history: we were together for about 6 months then she got pregnent and 6 months later we got married and were married for about 15 months and like i always do I was the one who left her I thought the grass was greener on the other side but i was way wrong.......

 

WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!!!

 

any opinions are welcome guys and girls

she always seems happer when im not so pushy on her hanging out or calling. is she still in love with me or am i simply just boosting her ego. I have no prob in the women dept. I just dont want to start all over again.

how often should i call her or should i wait for her to call me

[RandomAdvisor]

How did you know these two women that you moved in with? Was your ex aware of how you knew them?

 

It sounds like your relationship was kind of forced after she became pregnant. I think the question you need to ask yourself is, are you compatible enough with this woman to spend the rest of your life with her? Can you fix the problems that caused the divorce in the first place?

[metro_girl]

Wait, you're asking if you're boosting her ego? She gets pregnant with your baby, and then you think you find someone better so you leave her. The two of you get divorced. Next, you move in with two women, regardless of whether they are attractive, this bothers your ex. Of course, she doesn't trust you and you know that you've given her good reason. Your relationship moved very quickly with her since she got pregnant. Why not just try to start from the beginning? Date each other. Really romance her and treat her like a princess. Be good to her, since you say you love her and she's the mother of your child. However, I really have my doubts about this. If the other relationship had worked out for you, you wouldn't want her back. What if the grass is actually greener on the other side? Are you still capable of being faithful?

[iamjackiamjack]

Just to let everyone know I did not cheat on her. also we both felt like love at first sight when we met, and 3 to 6 months after we met we felt we should have a family (we sat down and both decited on having a baby) I just felt like being single and thought haning around with my friends was more fun. now i relize that her and our son are the most important thing in my life. Why do I feel like I need and want her back so bad? is it because she is playing hard to get or is she really hurt and has a wall up NO TRUST? She says she is having a hard time even trusting her self. she is very prety but I have had oppertonitys to be with women way better looking, but I still feel like not only did I let her down by leaving her but i also feel like a * * * * * that i hurt someone that i love and she should of never been treated like that no one should... when I talked to her yesterday I said I think you have a sexy voice to try and make her feel good and the next thing we were talking about was how we would like to have sex with eachother for it has been a wile.

 

IT IS BOTH OF OUR DAYS OFF SHOULD I CALL HER AND ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO HANG OUT GET LUNCH. OR DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WAIT FOR HER TO CALL ME AND ASK ME............ ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY.... I WANT TO CALL HER OR TEXT HER SO BAD..............????????

[PocoDiablo]

Hi Jack,

 

Here is some feedback for you from a divorced guy who went through something very similar. Hang on, I am direct, to the point, so please don't take it as me being harsh - I am just trying to deliver information in a very concise manner.

 

me and my wife have been devoriced for almost for 6 months, we have been seeing eachother again for the last few months (kissing, saying i love you, sex)

Can you provide more details about the divorce? Did you initiate it? Why? And why are you seeing her again? It seems like you've divorced and trying to get back together at this point is a little too late, don't you think?

 

then i moved in to a house as i needed a place to live and I dont have a lot of money going to school. so what do I do? I moved in with 2 girls a mom age 54 and her daughter age 23 (they are both over weight and believe me there is no attraction)....... anyways about 4 or 5 days after I moved in my ex wife said that she was pissed that I moved in with 2 women she said it was disrespectfull so she stopped taliking to me for about 3 or 4 weeks.

Why do you think she said this? I mean, sure, if you moved in with two women who were super models, or a woman who you were dating, I can understand it. But then again ... you're SINGLE. You're DIVORCED. What did she expect you to do, live on the street.

 

Okay, I see a problem here. She is controlling. She acts like your mother. When she says it's disrespectful, that's not really true. What is really true (to me!) is that it is VERY disrespectful that she thinks that she can tell you how to live your life. I mean, wow, she's got some nerve. Here you are, divorced (again, I don't know why or who instigated it, but anyway), single, and she is telling YOU what to do with your life? Wow. Controlling.

 

I then decided to write her a true sorry letter and e mail it to her

Ooooh, really bad move in my opinion. I can tell you care for her, and like her, so I am going to guess she divorced you, right? If I am right, then this makes sense. You are kissing up to her now by sending this letter. This is like what a child would do to his mother. It's like you cannot live without her. But she cannot really respect this because it comes from a position of weakness, and a true man would never do that. Remember, a man has to be strong, be a provider, be a protector. Now it's not bad to apoligize when you are wrong, and I don't know what you said, but still - the behavior is supplicating and immature. This will not gain her respect. I can see this is a major theme in your life.

 

and to my amaze she called me out of the blue 2 days after i sent it. now she is talking to me again and does not seem to be pissed at me anymore, but she still has a huge wall up and no trust....

Hm. I am thinking she sees you as a sucker, as a meal ticket, as a boy. But this is not good. If you sent me some sappy letter I would get a restraining order (okay, not quite, but think about the concept.)

 

what do i do i have always been sappy and weepy asking her to come back and telling her how much i love her miss her and cant live with out her (crying) I know i have stoped all the weeping.

Okay, good for you for stopping acting like a big baby. But you need to make the next step - you have to learn about yourself. These baby-like actions are NOT attractive, not mature, not manly, not like a gentleman. You have to start to behave like an adult, and you have to act like the BEST adult that you can. You need a role model. Might I recommend ...

 

Cary Grant

James Bond

Clark Gable

Spencer Tracy

 

You have a DVD player, right? (No? Go buy one.) Go rent "The Tao of Steve." There are some clues for you in there.

 

I dont want to push her away anymore but i want her to know i still want her back and love her.

Okay, I am missing a LOT of details, so it's hard to help. But you need to think about what you said next, because this is the KEY...

 

PS here is our history: we were together for about 6 months then she got pregnent and 6 months later we got married and were married for about 15 months and like i always do I was the one who left her I thought the grass was greener on the other side but i was way wrong.......

Okay, can I say it? What were you thinking? Did you sleep with another woman? if you did, well that is one of those unforgivable things. There may be no hope. Again, we need more details.... The more accurate information you give us, the more accurate advice we can give back.

 

WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!!!!!!

Relax.

 

she always seems happer when im not so pushy on her hanging out or calling.

Okay, this is HUGE. It's because a woman wants a self-assured man, a self-confident man, a man who is not DESPERATE. When you are not pushy, when you wait for her to call back, you tell her "I am the Alpha male. I am great. I don't need you. I can pick any woman I want. You (the female) have to prove to ME why *I* should be with you over the 220,000 other women in town." I know it sounds crazy, and I am way over-simplifying things, but you are being a challenge. You are NOT being desperate. Just like dogs can smell fear, women can smell desperation and it's ugly.

 

is she still in love with me or am i simply just boosting her ego. I have no prob in the women dept. I just dont want to start all over again.

Hard to say. Why would you think that? If you slept with another woman you've really made a fatal flaw, in my opinion.

 

What do you mean you have no problem in the women department? It sounds like you do have a lot of issues - you disrespected her, you are begging for her back, you're child-like, etc. No, we're not all perfect or anything, but I mean you come accross as asking for a lot of help. I am sure you're pretty cool in real life, but what you've said here kind of comes accross as "Help me!"

 

how often should i call her or should i wait for her to call me

Call her once. Wait for her to call you back.

 

But really, we're missing a lot of details. Can you take 10-20 minutes and type out some more details, some examples, some conversations?

[PocoDiablo]

Oh, look, I make a 20 minute post and you post at the same time... okay, let me get up to speed here!

 

Just to let everyone know I did not cheat on her.

Ah, VERY GOOD.

 

also we both felt like love at first sight when we met, and 3 to 6 months after we met we felt we should have a family (we sat down and both decited on having a baby)

Like a true man. Again, very good!

 

I just felt like being single and thought haning around with my friends was more fun.

Oops. That contradicts the "I want to have a familiy" line. Do you think she feels the same way? Sure!

 

now i relize that her and our son are the most important thing in my life.

Very admirable. Points to you.

 

Why do I feel like I need and want her back so bad? is it because she is playing hard to get or is she really hurt and has a wall up NO TRUST? She says she is having a hard time even trusting her self.

Okay, there is something deeper here, I can feel it, but it's not because she is playing hard to get. You screwed her over, so of course she is hesitant. Actions speak louder than words, and I think you are going to have to become more fluent on body language and what she DOES as opposed to what she says.

 

She can say she never wants to see you again, but if she comes over to your house ... Get it?

 

she is very prety but I have had oppertonitys to be with women way better looking,

Yeah, so what does this have to do with anything? You are lying to yourself and us when you say this because you have made it clear that SHE is the person you want to be with. It's more than just looks that you seem to care about, so get that out of your head. You're a good man, you just seem to be confused a little.

 

but I still feel like not only did I let her down by leaving her but i also feel like a * * * * * that i hurt someone that i love and she should of never been treated like that no one should...

Good point, but don't go overboard trying to make it up.

 

when I talked to her yesterday I said I think you have a sexy voice to try and make her feel good and the next thing we were talking about was how we would like to have sex with eachother for it has been a wile.

Okay, that was a good thing - sort of - but not really. If you are going to compliment someone, I have realized that it is better to compliment them on something they do rather than something they *are*. Have you ever complimented her on the effort she has made to understand what is going on and to forgive you? I bet every guy who hits on her tells her she is sexy in some way. You need to raise the bar. Compliment *effort* not existence.

 

IT IS BOTH OF OUR DAYS OFF SHOULD I CALL HER AND ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO HANG OUT GET LUNCH. OR DO YOU THINK I SHOULD WAIT FOR HER TO CALL ME AND ASK ME............ ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY.... I WANT TO CALL HER OR TEXT HER SO BAD..............????????

Call her. Make a lunch date. But you HAVE to get a grip and grow up. Knock off the child-like emotional crap. Get over the therapy talk. Go out with her. Flirt, joke, have fun - like you did in the beginning. You need to get out of the hole you are in.

 

Yes, you are having problems, but if you sit and have therapy with her every day then you are just making problems over and over again. You have to get out of that and SHOW her why she liked - and likes - you.

 

We all have problems, but if you talk about them all day it just emphasizes them and drives a wedge between people. Relax.

 

If she loves you, and you love her, then you need to become the two loving people who you are and come back together. If you want to talk boring, depressing crap, come here and let us know about it.

 

M'kay?

[iamjackiamjack]

OK i just called her ,i was very nerves but i think it went good. she is coming to see me at my work tomorrow (I work in a skateboard shop), I told her I get off at 3:00 and asked her if she would like to get some lunch after i get off, she replyed yes that would be fine. she also told me (if you get board then give me a call later) I did nothing to preswaed her to say that it was all on her own in fact she said it twice after i said, well i will talk to you tomorrow. I have plans to go to a company party tonight and will be out all night. should i go or stay home and call her back in a few hours? it seems like ever sinse i stoped with the sappy i miss yous she has been wanting to spend more time with me and talk to me more.. Thanks for the advice it is really good and helping me out. I had the biggest gut instink to call her all day but I am glad i waited to call now rather when she first wakes up she is not a morning person and gets very agetated quickly in the mornings. she did let me know however she is going to a friend chrismass party tonight with our 2 year old son no drinking very mellow. I cant help but think she might meet someone new it kills me, as bad as I wanted to say somthing like ,, dont get hit on by any guys or so your taking my son to a party, or some type of gestger implying that she is going to meet someone new... it was hard but I held it back.... so should I call her back tonight or just wait intell I see her tomorrow? and give me some ideas how not to ack and some ideas on how to ack. also any good lines or gesgers that you think would help. thanks a million..

[PocoDiablo]

OK i just called her ,i was very nerves but i think it went good. she is coming to see me at my work tomorrow

Good sign. When a woman comes to you, it signifies interest. Very good.

 

= she also told me (if you get board then give me a call later)

Don't call her if you are bored, it's an insult to her. Trust me.

 

in fact she said it twice after i said, well i will talk to you tomorrow.

Good, you are paying attention to details now. See how easy that is?

 

I have plans to go to a company party tonight and will be out all night. should i go or stay home and call her back in a few hours?

Go. Do NOT call her. Show her you have a life by being independent.

 

it seems like ever sinse i stoped with the sappy i miss yous she has been wanting to spend more time with me and talk to me more..

So, what you mean is that acting like a man who has a life, is not desperate, and understands that you can have any woman you want she suddenly realized she has to prove herself to YOU that she is good... hey, isn't that nice? Remember, your independance is a good thing. If you have plans, fulfill them.

 

Thanks for the advice it is really good and helping me out.

No problem. Please let me know your address and I'll send you my bill.

 

I had the biggest gut instink to call her all day but I am glad i waited to call now rather when she first wakes up she is not a morning person and gets very agetated quickly in the mornings.

Good, your gut instinct is wrong.

 

she did let me know however she is going to a friend chrismass party tonight with our 2 year old son no drinking very mellow. I cant help but think she might meet someone new it kills me, as bad as I wanted to say somthing like ,, dont get hit on by any guys or so your taking my son to a party, or some type of gestger implying that she is going to meet someone new... it was hard but I held it back....

Good. If anything, you should make HER worry that you might be going out to your own party, or that if she does anything with some other guy that you might "dump" her because she does not meet your standards. Remember, she has to meet your standards. Would you date a woman who flirted with other men? I sure would not. She can go anywhere she wants, talk to anyone she wants, but if she flirts ... with intent ... good bye! She is not good enough for you.

 

If you ever are with a woman who makes you feel uncomfortable, she is not meeting your standards, she is not good enough for you ... see where I am going?

 

so should I call her back tonight or just wait intell I see her tomorrow?

Tomorrow? How about wait until she calls you back or the day after tomorrow?

 

and give me some ideas how not to ack and some ideas on how to ack. also any good lines or gesgers that you think would help. thanks a million..

Lines? No such thing. Just act like a man, like Cary Grant or James Bond. You've got some free time? Go rent a movie with one of them in it.

 

Congrats on the quick turn around. You picked it up nicely, and NOTICE how she responded to you acting like a man. Keep it up. Keep it up. Come from a position of confidence and strength, not insecurity, and you will be fine. (Even if it feels like an act.)

[iamjackiamjack]

First I have to say thanks for all you help you seem to have the advice that I am looking for....

 

So check this out... I went to my party sat night, heres what happened. I got there about 9:30 pm and everyone was very drunk and having a great time listening to music, dancing, hooting and lots of hollering they were all haveing the best time guys and girls.

 

So I decided to play a little game I new this could of blew up on me or it could have worked. This is what I did, so as I was in the living room at the party were everyone was being loud and having a good time I decided to call my Ex so I diled her # let it ring and when she answered i did not say a thing i just let her listen to the background and how it implyed I was not just sitting at home but maby my phone had acidently called her like it has done in the past, then after about 30 seconds i hung up.

 

not even 30 second after that she was calling back, she called back and let it ring 3 times in a row on the 3rd try I walked out side and answered it, she said what are you doing i ackted like i had no idea that i new my phone had called her. after 30 seconds of her sounding frusterated with me she stoped and said this is just another one of your games and hung up.

 

Wow ... I could tell she was jelous, hurt and did not know what to do. in the last week I have stoped with the beging, wineing and all the i love yous and i want you backs. I think she is seeing that my life is moving on and she relizes i am not just sitting around the house waiting for her to call.

 

I gave it about 20 min and went into the bathroom and called her back she soundede pissed at the same time she was couries to her where i was so i simply put it this way.

 

Babe i did not get invited to your chrismass party so I did not think you would of wanted to go to mine. ( I told her I was at a party because I had to go it was my company party) she seemed to finely want to listen to me so we talked for about 1 hour as I told her how very sorry i was about the past and how she was right and how i was o so wrong.

 

I made her feel like i finely understood how i was the one who was wrong, she finly was brining her wall down and brining up the past telling me how she felt and this time insted of me trying to defend my self like i have always done in the past, I just agreed and told her I know you are right and have been right all along.

 

(wow I cant believe my eyes are finnaly opened) it was crazy she would then start talking about some of our good times we have had in the past and small things she would say that let me know she was sad I was gone and how she has been waiting for me to come around like this for some time.

 

I was not taking advanage of her i was being sincer. and `now she was definetly coming to see me on sunday not just during my work to stop by and say hi because she had some other shopping to do at the mall, but she was making it a point to come by around 3:00 when I was getting off so we could then hang out and do somthing together after I got off.

 

Ok so sunday rolls around and I get to work at around 7:00 am worked all day and around 2:00 the time she was going to leave her house to come see me it started to snow and we got freezing rain witch we kind of new it may come and if it did she was not going to take our son out in it, so she texed msg me ( its snowing not going to make it sorry) I did not reply for i was working and was getting off in an hour. I got off at 3:00pm and yes it was bad out so as i sit and wait for the traffic I called her to say hi.

 

She answered and was in a positive mood being nice with no defence up, we had a great short conversation and we left it with I might stop by your house so we can watch a chrissmass movie latter that night so was fine with that.

 

I went home took a nap and woke up around 8:00pm called her she did not answer so i left a msg letting her know i made it home safe and to call me back later if she wanted. around 10:00pm she called me wile she was giving our son a bath. you see she had to declair bankrupsy and her parents are now paying for her cell phone bill (this is the only phone she has) and since its in there name they get the bill, if they see any calls, text msg, in or out from me or from her to me they get on her case about talking to me( they hate me) so i have a tracfone prepaid wireless phone that i do not use that she has been wanting so she can talk to me more and not upset them (she always defends herself when they get mad about us talking she says things like i will just pay the bill the or i will just get my own phone then) so arond 11:30 i went overthere we had the best time we have had since we first met.

 

our son was having some trouble going to sleep so i asked her if i should leave because maby i was keeping him awake by being there she asked me to stay for she wanted to talk to me after he went to bed well to make a long story short I didnot get home tell 6:00am monday morning.

 

the only reason i left was we both felt it may of seemed werd if our son saw his dad in bed with mom when he woke up so i went home...... this morning i woke up at around 10:30am for I was on call for work today so I am to call at 11:00am and ask them if I have to come in i did and they said not today. so i texed her saying (hey baby! I dont have to work today.

 

Ya! call me when you are up. What should I do from here? I dont want to push her at the same time I want her to know that last night was not just to get sex and that I am really here for her this is not a game.

 

O ya when I was leaving she gave me a hug and kiss goodby and as I was hugging her I told her I wanted to make this work she replyed I know. she was more open with me than she has ever been in her life.....

[healinginnyc81]

It seems like you're making good progress. Definitely don't keep texting her or pushing her. You let her know you want this to work, so it's her turn to come to you. Take it slow and definitely don't lose your independence.

[PocoDiablo]

Yes, you are making good progress. The "game" with the cell phone was risky, but it seems to have paid off.

 

Also, talking with her over the phone for a long time is also risky, in my opinion. Emotions + phone = problems (usually.) Since you cannot read her body language when you are on the phone, there may be misunderstandings. And remember, now that things are starting to go good, avoid the negative stuff as much as possible! Flirt, joke, smile, laugh, be adult and mature. Nothing childish should come out of your mouth. It's time for you to act a little more independent and grown up, you know?

 

Now here is one thing I noticed - you made yourself unavailble and this was attractive to her. She respected that you had a life. But now I see you falling back into the same old deal where you call her and try to spend time with her - maybe too much. Back off a little. Slow down a little. Just 25% at least. What you should do is make plans with her some time, but if she suggests a day or time let her know that you cannot make it that time because you are going out with some guys (from the office? from somewhere?) to hang out. And then you MUST go out even if you have to go alone ("got stood up!" you'll say.) Maybe say something like "Hey, let's go grab dinner later this week, how does that sound?" She'll agree, and then you say "Okay, I can't do it Wednesday night, but how about Thursday night at 7:00?" Her curiosity should make her say "What are you doing Wednesday?" and you'll just say "Oh nothing, hanging out with the guys." and then get back on topic! Do not discuss it any more, act as if it's nothing. If you never had guy friends before, then just explain it's some new guys you met through work. No big deal.

 

Really, if *I* were you, I would go rent a Cary Grant movie, like I mentioned. Or two movies! Then sit and watch it and see if you can learn anything from him. You have a great opportunity to learn some new behaviors that will make you more attractive. Self-Control, Self-Confidence, Flirt, Joke, Smile, be calm, all that.

 

The whole point is that you want to take it slow. Very slow. You are doing very good. But just remember that you don't want to smother her. Take a deep breath. Take it slow.

 

 

If at all possible, could you break your text up a little though? (It's hard to read in one big block.)

[iamjackiamjack]

So every thing has been going good with me and my ex but I think I am putting to much pressure on her for me wanting to come over to her house she says she wants me to have sex and lay with her holding her she says things like that would be nice , I would like that , or even sounds like ummm.

 

so I say something like so do you want me to come over after you get off tonight (she gets home from work around 2:00am) she says yes but when the time comes to go over she calls me on her way home from work and when I say ok I will see you in 10 min she says no not tonight I would like that but I am tired maby some other time.

 

then we set up another time to have some mommy and daddy time only when our son is asleep but when the time comes she backs off....

 

i do not want to be pushy and invite myself over but at the same time I want her to know I still care and want to be close. she has no problem seeing me in publik for lunch, ice cream, shopping ect..

 

and she wants me to stop by her work tonight.

 

can you give me some advice on how to slow down and be patien or how to handle this so I dont loose her???? Thanks