Purging\hating the ex

[Bigbilly]

So yeah, she moved into the dorms, broke up with me so she could date other guys. Told lies about me, made me out to her new friends to be some poor clingy loser when in fact *she* had been the clingy one, the suffocating one who hadnt had any friends and had relied on me to her sole source of diversion for two years. She essentially took everything that I had ever done for her and turned it against me, made it sound like all the time I devoted to her was me being clingy, and that she had only stayed with me for so long because she pitied me. blah blah blah

 

Anyways, I've taken everything of hers and gotten rid of it. All the old pictures, presents, love letters, a little ring she had made for me once ...it's all resting at the bottom of some landfill now.

 

I know you all say that I should be happy for the time were together, thankful for the lessons I've learned, and all that other garbage, but hear this; if I could take my memories of her, tear them up, and throw them out too I would.

 

I hate her, and I hate my memories of her. It's not just that she broke up with me, but *how* she did it that rankles me so much. The lies she told, her portayal of me as some pathetic loser, her betraying all the love and patience I'd ever given her. I made mistakes, but when I did I could apologize and admit when I'd been wrong. Her though ...if I ever had a problem with some behavior of hers, she's accuse me of judging her and tell me that I had no right to do so.

 

God I hate her so much. I miss her too, oddly enough. I want her back. I never want to see her again. I know she doesn't miss me at bit; a month after she broke up with me she fell in 'love' with some new guy, only to sleep with him after two weeks and have him lose interest in her, t o realize his attraction to her had been mostly physical. Now she misses this new bastard instead of me, so I can't even miss her without feeling like an idiot. A tool.

 

Is this normal? Will keeping busy help me out? Will going out and getting laid help me? My sister had held onto an old picture of me and my ex together. My sister said that some day I would be glad I have it. Well, today I took it back from my sister and tore it to shreds right in front of her. It was the last picture I'd had of my ex, and just knowing that was still there bugged me.

[NR498E]

i hope what your feeling and doing is normal,because ive been doing the same things.

[melee18]

yeah i'd say you're normal. it's normal to be mad at an ex especially in your situation where the break up was not a rather "calm" one. yeah it's normal to miss her - she was a big part of your life - now a hole you're wondering what to fill with.

i'd say def. keep busy - it's been helping me these last couple weeks. meet new people, reconnect with people you might have let slide while with her. take time for yourself to reflect. day by day, things will become more clear, and you'll have a better sense of what the relationship was to you and where you're headed now.

as far as her rebound goes - it's normal to feel jealous, but honestly you deserve better. you can rebound if you like, but i would take things slow and try not to get too involved with someone right away. i'd also suggest not talking to her/inquiring about her - hearing stuff like she slept with some other random guy is only going to make you feel worse.

don't worry - you're awesome as far as i can tell and def. deserve someone better than the * * * * * you describe in your post!

[NR498E]

i just wanted to add something.i feel like my whole time with my ex was a giant waste.id rather not know what i missed than have to think about what i am missing.like you id love to take my memories of her and through them out.i keep asking myself"what was the point of it all?"

[Bigbilly]

I don't feel my time with her was a waste. A mistake? Yes, but not a waste. If nothing else, I learned not to ignore red flags and not to put up with girlfriends who take and take but give so little back.

 

I don't know if this guy could have been considered a rebound. She started dating him a month after she broke up with me, and by the second date was already crashing at his apartment. After wethree eks they had sex and I think he lost interest in her, or realized his attraction to her was purely physical, or something.

 

Considering how hard and fast she "fell in love" with this guy, I don't know if he was technically a rebound or just a consequence of her being young and naive, and falling way too fast for a guy.

 

Whatever. I think the biggest reason I am still so rankled is just *how* she ended it. I mean, she told her friends that I just spent all my time with her and wouldn't make new friends. What I gather she left out is that I spent all my time with her because *she* had no d--- friends and was calling me two or three times a day, and wanting me to take her out almost every night and find ways to make her happy. I started getting resentful of her for smothering me, and I guess thats where the trouble started.

 

It just pisses me off that she will blame me, or just chalk it up to consequence but she won't take a good, hard look at herself and admit that she probably had more to do with the difficulties our relationship had than I ever did. She smothered me, guilt tripped me, and a hundred other things and yet for some reason, *my* "depressing" behavior just "made her depressed and appaled". God, I just want to slap her in the face and demand she pull her head out of her own * * * * *.

[melee18]

maybe the point of it all was just to show you there is someone out there for you that is worth your time instead of a waste of time. so maybe next time if someone is starting to feel like a waste of your time, you'll realize it sooner and move on to someone who is worth your time.

 

it's interesting b/c my ex and i both agreed that we've had no regrets the past four years spent together. so for us it wasn't a waste of time, but rather time well spent learning. i hope you both find relationships one day that you can consider time well spent even if it ends....

[healinginnyc81]

I think it's perfectly normal to be mad at an X. I'm going through it right now 10 days after breakup.

But i also think it's okay to be depressed for a little while. I've been hearing that it's healthy to be spend time alone and be sad for a couple of weeks so that I really get out all the emotions and really get over her before I move on.

I'm also going to try and forgive her after a few weeks so that I can really move on and I'm not holding on to her memory. That will probably be the hardest thing.

[ocrob]

Hi Big Billy,

 

I hear you and understand your pain. But, I am thinking it is more an ego thing than anything else. I am sitting here and have felt what you are feeling now. I think your ego has been hurt and I totally can relate. But, it sounds like if she did not break up with you, then it would not be that big of a loss. We all have egoes and it hurts when someon breaks up with us. Did you ever see Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It is a classic for us older people. I can't remember his name, but he was going to break up with his girl and she did it first. He was devistated. I think it is more ego than anything in your case. You said she was clingy and now you are mad that she is making you out to be the victim. It totally sucks and I feel for you, but take a step back. Don't worry about what she did to you and just move on. You are young and you will meet so many other women. Don't talk trash and just say whatever. Act like you don't care and just be the man. She can say all that she wants, but the women you meet will know the truth. Be strong and don't say anything bad about her and take the higher road. She cut her losses before you broke up with her. Don't show remorse or pain and just keep going. She was proactive and strategic and you just got the raw end of the stick. Don't show bitterness and compose yourself like the man that you are. Be strong brother and don't let the ego get in the way. She was too clingy and you will meet someone else.

[NR498E]

good call ocrob..and i agree it wasnt a waste of time for me either,a definent mistake..but not a waste of time.i certainly learned alot.But god what a price to pay.

[moondog627]

Big Billy,

Your and my ex are going thru their peaks right now. You haven't even hit your peak yet and I'm only beginning to touch mine. Time is on our side man. Their's is running out.

[Bigbilly]

What exactly do you mean by a peak? I'm unfamiliar with that term.

[moondog627]

I might get crucified for this, but here goes anyway. By peak I mean one's ability to attract the opposite sex. MOST women hit their peak when they are young (i.e. early twenties). This is when a lot of guys strike out. Don't get me wrong, some guys can play the field quite well at this stage too. And, there's a lot of women out there that don't peak till later on. But, overall, guys hit theirs later on in life (like their late twenties or even early thirties). This is usually due to more experience/skill with women. Plus, guys are more likely to have money and power down the line as well. Another 3-5 years and you'll see exactly what I mean.