Dealing with a husband having affair

[hopefulwife]

Hello,

I just found this forum and have been reading a lot today. I'm at a loss as to what to do in my own situation.

It's hard to sum it all up, but basically my husband is having an affair with another woman; this has been going on for about 8 mo. now; I found out in the summer and he moved out (not in with her). He and I remain in contact and are trying to be friends. Obviously, I want to save my marriage; he thinks he is in love with this woman, although there have already been problems and they have broken up a few times.

Why don't I just walk away, you ask? Because I've put a lot of myself into this marriage, 14 years, and I believe that we could work through our issues together, if he would give us a chance. I can tell you that he has come to me to talk about our relationship several times, and we've had very long, encouraging discussions about the things that were wrong and needed changing, on both sides.

I've pulled back from calling, etc. a lot, and he usually will be the one to reach out and contact me. He still comes over. For a while, we were still having dinner together sometimes, things like that. At this point I think he has decided to give his relationship with o.w. a try because he doesn't want to wonder if it could have worked out. This comes 2 weeks after he came over to our house in the middle of the night and said he could never trust her, that she didn't love him and he had made a huge mistake.

I know my husband still has love for me; it is very obvious, but he believes he has fallen in love with this woman, because she makes him feel needed; he feels like he has rescued her from her problems. This is a very addictive feeling and difficult to let go of. I know he tried 2 weeks ago, and he was extremely depressed.

I don't even know if I am posting this in the right section. Just looking for some feedback. My thanks to you.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't really know what to say except that it sounds as if this is a temporary escape for him. I would try to take time for yourself if possible to really think about what you want and whether you really want him back after this. He might be confused and needs time to work his own issues out.

I'm sure there are many other people here that are more knowledgeable than me and will be happy to support you. But I hope that my little support can help you a little bit.

[hopefulwife]

Thank you, bkjsun.

I can use all the support I can get. I don't know if it's a temporary escape, or more. I can tell you that my H. and the other woman have very, very little in common with each other. But right now, I think that's part of the draw; and she is very different from me, too. I do think my husband has a low self-esteem issue going on here that is worsened by his unhappiness with his current line of work. (He has admitted this to me more than once).

He has yet to bring up divorce to me, and when I have asked he says he is not ready to do that. She, however is divorcing her husband soon.

My situation is different from a lot of the others here in that this is a marriage; we are not just dating. It's a lot more complicated to walk away from this.

Right now, I'm trying to give him space again. We were at a point where I could call him comfortably and not feel that I was invading his space, but as I said that changed when he and she worked out their issues (so he says) and he pulled way back from me again. So, I've stopped calling him as often.

I know he spends a great deal of time on his cell with her, and he spends time with her when he is not working. It's painful because I do know some of the things they have done together, places they've gone. A lot of them were things he and I did; it's like he's trying to recreate our relationship experiences with her or something.

there's so much more I can post but I'll give it a rest for now. Thanks for the reply.

[Shadows Light]

You seem to be taking this calmly. Have you talked to him about couple counseling. It may help.

[Relationship Coach]

HW,

I understand your pain and I'm sorry that after 14 years of marriage, it has come to this. Wanting to work things out and save your marriage is admirable, some will say foolish but it's about what you want, not what we want for you. There are many going through what you are experiencing at this time who post here regularly so this is a great place for support and understanding as well as advice.

 

I was set back a little by your response:

 

He has yet to bring up divorce to me, and when I have asked he says he is not ready to do that. She, however is divorcing her husband soon.

 

 

Why would he ask for a divorce, when he is getting the best of both worlds? He knows you don't want a divorce so he has no fear of losing you. As to her getting a divorce, we have no real idea about her true intentions and motives. If you want him back, stop being his friend and sounding board. Let him know that you can no longer hang in the wings waiting to see how his life with his GF unfolds. Putting pressure on him may be just the thing for him to see what he is losing. He has not pushed for a divorce so this might "snap" him out of his desires to be with anyone but you. If it spins the other way then you know you have a fight on your hand and you can prepare for that as well. Good Luck and Welcome.

[hopefulwife]

Hi everyone,

 

RE: counseling...he went to independent counseling 4 months ago, as did I. He didn't want to go together. He stopped going, but recently mentioned to me that he wanted to go back, to "get his act together". I don't know if he will pursue it.

 

I have considered that it might take me doing something as serious as telling him he has to decide, or I will. I have read that sometimes, this is the step that it takes before these guys wake up to reality. But, it could backfire, too.

 

Could I trust him again? Yes, I believe so. My husband has never done anything like this before, and he told me several times if he comes back (home), he's coming back for good. Yes, I know, these are only words, but I can tell you that after having several talks with him over the past month, I know he thought MANY times about coming home...but he wasn't ready. He did not want to do that unless he was sure.

 

What is going on here? I think I have an idea. He was unhappy with himself and our marriage; instead of talking to me about it, trying to work out our problems, he did the unimaginable and cheated on me. By the time I found out, he already felt he was in love with this woman. He was too emotionally invested in it to give me the chance I needed to show him we could work through our issues (none of which were so awful that our marriage couldn't be saved). In spending time with him in the last several weeks he has seen the changes in how we interact and relate, and he has commented to me that we get along better than ever now. Problem? He's addicted to o.w. and this affair. He told me he wished it would all just go away; that he can't believe how far he let this get. He sounded regretful, but then says he can't help how he feels about her.

 

I keep hoping the honeymoon period will wear off, but it's been 8 months now. I don't know if they're past that or what.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. After 14 years of marrige it must be pretty painful to have your world shattered like that.

 

I also have to agree with relationship coach. Your husband is having his cake and eating it too at the moment, so he has no incentive to change. The ball isn't in your court at the moment. It isn't even in his. It's in the hands of this other woman. It's possible he will finally rid himself of her and fix things up with you, but somehow I doubt it. I think it's more likely that he will let this other woman decide for him what he will do. If she takes him he'll probably go to her, and if she rejects him then he'll realize what a fool he's been and come back to you. But is that really the way you want to get him back? When he's been rejected by someone else?

 

I think you need to be more proactive. I think you should give him somewhat of an ultimatum. Tell him that he can either start going to couples counseling with you, or you will go to NC with him for a set period of time. Maybe a month or three? And that after that NC period is up, you can give him the same choice of marrige counseling or something else, but the next time the "something else" will be discussion of divorcing. Let him know what he's missing and I think he'll figure out real quick that you are the right choice for him.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am so sorry for your situation. I can't imagine what this feels like, so much pain... You chose your nickname to be hopefulwife, which somehow saddens me even more than your story. This man has really hurt you so much, your love for him must be so unbelievably big that you are still willing to give things a try. So I won't tell you you should just go away and leave him. It is obvious to me that you want this man in your life. So the next thing is to create a situation where you will BOTH work on a better relationship.

 

Stop making excuses for what he did. I think he is being very weak here. What is with the "If I come back it will be for good"? What the heck? He should be counting his blessings that you are willing to put up with this, you should be giving him a hard time, and make him beg to LET him come back.

 

It seems to me, and I could be mistaken, that you place him above yourself. So he has the choice, he can stay with the girl, or with you. And even if the girl would give him the cold shoulder, he knows you will be there. I think it might be best, still, to at least give him the impression that it ain't gonna be this easy. It will take a huge effort on your side to regain trust anyway, why should you do all the work on getting back together as well?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[hopefulwife]

some guy,

Thank you for posting to me. I agree, the ball certainly isn't in my court. But I do believe it to be in my husband's, not o.w.'s. He broke it off with her a few different times (for different reasons, depending on the time), and then it was he who chose to restart it. He's running the show, and I know this isn't good for me.

Other than moving out, he has changed literally nothing. I live in our home, (you won't believe this) I receive all the direct deposits of our pay, and I handle the bills here. He has only taken a bed and his clothes. Everything else is the same. I guess he feels as long as I'm financially ok over here, he's doing right by me, despite how his feelings have changed for me.

It is very stressful living this way, not to mention lonely and sad. I still love him very much and want him to see the error of his ways, but this hasn't happened yet. I honestly don't think he and o.w. will last long term, even if we do divorce, only because of the level of differences between them (too many to list!). It's practically a laughable pairing, if I do say so myself.

What I've decided to do is to stop contacting him as often, and let him perhaps miss me a little bit. I don't know if this will happen, but it's all I have left to try. Maybe he'll wonder why I'm not calling as much; what I'm up to.

He did something very odd last night. First of all I had spoken to him in the a.m. and he had taken the day off to spend with o.w. I think they had some daytrip planned somewhere. He knew I was sad about it, upset that he seems to have decided to "see where this is going" with her. Anyway, we ended our conversation; I went to work. Then, very late last night, right after he dropped her off and was heading home, he calls me "just to say hi." At that hour? We didn't speak long, and he asked me how my day was, etc. I just felt that it was an odd time to be calling me to say hello.

This man has really hurt you so much, your love for him must be so unbelievably big that you are still willing to give things a try. So I won't tell you you should just go away and leave him. It is obvious to me that you want this man in your life.

ilse, you are right. He is actually a very good man in many ways. I wouldn't be standing for my marriage if he wasn't. Yes, many people have told me he should be counting his blessings that I didn't leave or throw him out (he moved out on his own). But the fact is, he thinks he loves this woman right now and there isn't anything I can do to change his mind about that. We are separated (not legally) and I know he does not wish to file for a divorce yet. But I may have to start changing the dynamics just to move things along in one direction or the other, because as it stands right now, he is free to explore his relationship with this woman and he isn't missing me very much.

I just know we could work things out for the MUCH better, if only he would give it a chance, which so far he has not.

[Shadows Light]

What are the difference between the two that you've mentioned???

 

And yes.. its time for you to "change" the tune and dance a different dance. If you keep doing what you've been.. you will keep getting what you always got.

 

So.. let me understand this.. his pay still goes into your account? And you are paying the bills? So.. what is he living off of? and who is he liviing off of.

[hopefulwife]

He takes money out when he needs to, and tells me what he spends.

 

H/ow Differences?

Biggest=Race/culture

Education level/job

H-no children, ow-one child

Hobbies, interests, tastes in music, movies, things like that

 

He can't really tell me anything that they have in common. It's a strange pairing; even he will admit to this.

[RandomAdvisor]

You say you wouldn't be tolerating the marrige if he wasn't a very good man in other ways.

 

So in otherwords, you are saying that you are putting up with him completely disrespecting you by blatently cheating on you with another woman because he treats you nice?

 

Think about that for a minute. It sounds like an oxymoron to me. He's your husband. I think a prerequisite for you to say that a husband is treating his wife well is him not cheating on her.

 

You also say that you think the ball is in his court. You may well be right. But if you are, then I feel even worse about your husband than I previously did. You try to paint him as someone who is confused and doesn't know what he wants. But when you also say that it's his choice over whether or not he gets together with this other woman or not, it makes me feel he is treating you that much worse.

 

You also keep saying that he "thinks" that he loves this other woman. How do you know for certain that he doesn't? Maybe he really does love her. It may be painful, but I think you need to accept that as a real possibility. Whether he does or he doesn't love her, you need to stop making excuses for him. The bottom line is that he let his feelings for this woman - whatever they may be - get the better of him, and he's now completely disrespecting you and your marrige of 14 years. Most men when caught cheating will either stop - or at least claim to - or go off with the other woman for good. Your husband hasn't exactly done either, because you are letting him.

 

In life, people generally treat you the way you let them. You're letting your husband treat you like dirt. Stop letting your husband treat you like dirt. If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you to make your marrige work, then let him see what life will be like without you for a little while like I suggested before. He'll know what he's missing and what a fool he's been, and he should come crawling back to you on his hands and knees! Literally!