Girlfriends Libido

[dr_skier]

I know, saw that this morning.... Much appreciated DN. Bud I can' tell you though how depressing this is during the holidays too. I mean, i just can't put on a big smile and pretend like i'm happy.

[cb2000]

I understand completely how you are feeling. Your unhappy in the relationship and she doesn't seem to care. Your sexully frusturated and your true feelings are being ignored a very bad and potentialy damaging situation for you and your relationship. Don't put yourself through this unless you truly love her AND she takes ownership of the problem as your relationship is new I would be making one very serious newyears resolution

[RayKay]

This certainly is one of the worse things to be in conflict about.

 

You have asked "has anyone overcome this" and I have to say I have known plenty to be going THROUGH this (Slippery Sammy on here is a great example, though I have not heard from him recently) but I do not know any whom have overcome it. I know of three possible endings for you...you stay together and nothing changes (lots of empty promises though) and you feel more and more rejected and lost over time. You split up and find people more compatible. She admits there is an issue, talks to her doctor, you both go for sexual/relationship counselling and come to some solutions together.

 

It could be her pill, yes very likely, as that does cause libido issues with many women. The hormones really can affect your sex drive. HOWEVER, this is where she should be talking to her doctor about other options then, or lower dose pills, or another form altogether. You can blame it on the pill, but you can also do something about it.

 

I also recognize the other posters points about showing her it is not all about sex, however the truth is when this course happens in your relationship, it DOES become very much about sex. Sex is not JUST sex, it's intimacy, it's a bond between partners that is special to them..you share and give pleasure. Sorry but unless there is illness, or something that means you medically CANNOT have sex (at which point I think you both need to be understanding and patient with one another to make some decisions and so forth), deciding not to have sex, or rejecting your partner, is a tremendous blow to the relationship and your partner. IN my experiences, I have always known SOMETHING is wrong when the sexual intimacy/desire wane off (for either of us). There are times it is a temporary thing - brought on by outside stress, or relationship conflicts, but when it is long term, when one partner seems uninterested in resolving it...that's a BIG RED FLAG. Unless there is a commitment from both sides to work on it, it does not get better.

 

It's not "just sex". It really isn't, and anyone whom has had that bond with someone they love knows it is far more then that.

 

I often see where the partner whom is no longer interested will tell the one whom IS, they are being selfish, and that they need to just live with it. Which is not fair "partnership" like is it!

 

Skier, you have some big decisions to make. I think you need to first decide how important this is. I am going to guess it IS important. Then you are going to have to sit down and talk with your girlfriend about it. If she refuses to work on it with you, then I think you need to decide whether this is acceptable to you or not. Assume it won't change, and decide if you can live with that. If not, it is best to leave rather then let the resent grow. If you can, well you will need to accept this is her, and she won't change. And not pressure her or bring it up. It's your choice.

[DN]

Skier, you have some big decisions to make. I think you need to first decide how important this is. I am going to guess it IS important. Then you are going to have to sit down and talk with your girlfriend about it. If she refuses to work on it with you, then I think you need to decide whether this is acceptable to you or not. Assume it won't change, and decide if you can live with that. If not, it is best to leave rather then let the resent grow. If you can, well you will need to accept this is her, and she won't change. And not pressure her or bring it up. It's your choice.

 

I absolutely agree with this. As I said before - if she is having problems then I think you have a responsibility if you love her to help her work through them and stick with her until they are resolved.

 

But her refusal to do anything about it is a complete abdication of responsibility - it's passive aggressive behaviour because it puts all the responsibility for the continuance or otherwise of the relationship on you. If you leave her, she can make out that you are the bad guy; if you stay she has all the benefits of a relationship that she wants and deprives you of something that is important to you.

[Dregnought]

Which can lead onto other things. Work starts to falter, people tend to lose friends, and sometimes it can even lead onto depression.

[dr_skier]

I agree with many of the opinions brought forth. I dont like hearing so many "just leave her" comments because that is in my mind a very last resort. We had a talk today, she was very upset that something was bothering me and I wouldn't talk to her about it. She makes a doctor appointment soon and promises to speak about the b/c pill. I picked her up from work today. Before we had this convrosation i picked her up from work and said ok lets go to my gym, she said she though we were going to her gym (closer to her house).. I asked what difference it made and she said cause she wanted to have sex afterwards cause i have to work tonite. I was a bit surprised because she had told me she was doing a dessert thing with her gf's while i was at work, which i had thought ment she wasn't going to have anytime for anything after the gym. I explained to her that this was a perfect example of why she needs to communicate her feelings and intentions more to me. We had a good talk tonite and had amazing sex to boot. I do love this girl so much, enough I will stick through hard times to figure things out. I do know where to draw a line and put my foot down. I explained to her my feelings of rejection and her lack of initation to try to put it in context outside of purley sex... I think she understands now; i dont think she thought little actions spoke so loudly. Also, today I realise she is having self image issues (which statles me cause she's stupidly hot) but nonetheless, i know this could very well be a big issue. Perhaps she is turned on after the gym because she feels better about herself. Anyways I want to say I am a much happier person today and though things arent fixed; I see a light of improvement and feel a momentus push in the right direction.

[RayKay]

Good to hear dr.skier...please note I never said "just leave her", I DID say however if after talking with her she did not seem interested in working on it to determine whether you were in a very fair partnership and if that was suitable for you.

 

I am very happy she seems to be interested in working things out with you, and addressing the problem. And I do hope she follows through.

 

Also, note that even people whom are "stupidly hot" have low self esteem/body image issues, often times because they for much of their lives have been told they are "stupidly hot" they realize that appearance can be a rather important thing or at least they are often judged/assessed based on their appearance by so many...it often feeds even more into the low self esteem/body image since they feel pressure to remain "perfect" in a sense. It can also be related to fact they may feel their other strengths are often unrecognized and they feel their body is all they got, unfortunately. So just make sure she knows you love her brain and heart - what's on the inside, and desire THAT as much as her body.