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Girlfriends Libido


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Basically, lately i've been having a few problems with my girl. She just doesn't seem to want to have sex. When we do it's almost like it's just for me and it's pity sex or something. I've been seeing her for 7 months now and i spend a lot of time with her; i love her and i know she loves me. She also isnt' the type to cheat. She tells me how hot I am and that i turn her on, but she never makes sexual advances, EVER. I am the only one to initate sex. She does work a lot between being a highschool teacher and working twice a week at starbucks. Before this i was an animal and slept with many random girls frequently... i loved being pursued and having girls just want to jump me (not to toot my own horn or anything).. She tells me that she just isn't the type to be the sexual aggressor and she never has been, i can almost accept this but, It's like this, i go over for a sleepover on thurs night, and she says she's to tired to fool around, fine, she says she wants to fool around when she's off work in the afternoon, she gets home and says she wants to take a nap first.. fine, well her nap goes late and we have to go to my house for a family dinner... we are lying in bed after dinner with nobody home and she says she doesn't want to beacuse she's full.. at this point i'm very upset quetioning a lot of things.... i go to work and sleep over at her place friday night, sat morn, she wants to cuddle and not have sex, though there is an hour and half before she goes to work at starbucks... i suggest we have a shower together to try to get something going and it ends up me going "solo" in the shower, which she is aware of and isnt' mad or anything but doens't want to join in. Between this, her constant "i'm tired, not feeling well, etc exuces, and her never being the one to initate, and my final exams, i am at a loss for things to do... I dont know if shes stressed, or it's the BC pill, or what. I dont ask for much but sex 1-2x/week isn't up my ally.... I do believe she is attracted to me, and i do believe she loves me and I spend enough time with her to know what if anything else is going on in her life, i just dont know what to do.... She tells me i'm the hottest guy she's ever been with but ****SIGH****.... i dunno, im at a loss here... all i know is when i jump in the shower with her, its all i can do to run my hands over her body and its all she can do to just to hand me the soap.. i'm just very fustrated. And this morning, this might sound bad but she was like, istayed in bed an extra 30 mins to cuddle with you, i mean thats great, im lying there with morning wood and all she wants to do is cuddle... we used to have a ton of sex in the am cause i'd get home from work late, but now we never have sex in the morning... I've done various things that others have suggested to try and correct this situation. I have asked her to talk to her doctor about her b/c pill, she hans't yet. I have asked her to get another blood test to find out why she gets headaches and is tired all the time, she hasn't yet. I bought her sexy lengerie (not slutty or anything) to try and make her feel sexy and i tell her all the time how beautiful she is and stuff to try to address any self-image issues (which she really doesn't have other than usuall female stuff). I've switched up my bedroom action and go down on her and get her to orgasm first before we have intercourse (which she loves, but it hasn't increased the sex frequency). I also bought her a 'pocket rocket' personal vibrator. I hope i dind't go making myself Obsolete or anything, i was thinking that since she doesn't have a detachable shower head in her new place, somethign that can give her an orgasm in 3 mins might help jump her sex drive.


I guess it's just a negative feedback loop, she wont initiate sex or seek it or even go as far as make any comments to advance it, and when i do and she shuts me down i am in a bad mood, it makes me feel like * * * *, it makes me feel like im doing something wrong, like i'm not attractive enough for her, like she'd rather be elsewhere with someone else etc, however untrue these things may be, they still course through my mind; so when we do have sex i'm finding it less enjoyable now. I can tell this furstrates her too and she says she hates me making her feel guilty for not having sex with me. Which i dont do but hey, my bad mood after being rejected isn't really concealible.



I m not about to cheat on her cause i love her and i see a future for us but this really depresses me.....she also says that a lot of times that just cuddling with me or lying next to me is enough for her to feel close to me; but then all that goes through my head is there is something i'm not doing, something about me she doesn't like; something she isn't telling me or that she isn't satisfied or something... and if thats the case i cant help but question if she's going to leave me or cheat on me or what.... i just cant help but think of something i read that says physologically women cheat out of desire and emotional shortcomings...



Things were like this all oct/nov then they seemed to get better for a week or two and now i cant help but feel that little has changed. I love this girl, but i dont want a sexless relationship. I feel sex is incredibly important and i am just at a loss here folks.

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ok, i do not want this to sound negative or mean in any way.... but just because she doesnt want to have sex with you, doesnt mean that she doesnt love you with all her heart. women dont always feel they need to have sex with a guy to show them that they love them.


she may be under alot of stress from work or something, and just wants to be comforted by your hugs. i would give it some time, and dont try and push her....


im sure she really loves u, but just needs some time.

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Stop asking for sex. Surprise! If u keep asking for sex, its only making her feel worse. Your adding to her problems. Be more supportive, she will love it. Ask my gf, we always support each other, make each other feel good ***WIHTOUT HAVING SEX*** and then we will get in the mood and have sex. Your gf is not there to enlighten your penis, shes there for u to love her and for u to get loved back.


As someone once said (cant remember) "You treat her right and you will get back 10 fold" Same applies to her, If she treats u right, do u not feel awhole lot better?


I do agree that Sex is important in a relationship, IF IT IS WANTED BY BOTH PARTNERS. Its just that sometimes people are not in the mood for sex, and you forceing her to have sex is making her feel worse.

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Having a healthy sex life is important in a relationship and it seems to me she is being very selfish - she is getting what she needs from the relationship and is not making sure you get what you need.


It may be that she has a problem that is affecting her libido but she has a responsibility to do something about that and is not. And that is the aspect of this problem that causes the most concern because it is almost certain that this problem will not improve - it will probably get much worse.


Do not fall into the trap of thinking this will go away if only you can find the key - by marrying her for instance. At this point the key to sorting this out is firmly held by her and she won't do anything about it.


Given her refusal to seek help, I would advise you to give serious thought to either ending the relationship or accepting the fact that she will not change.

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I agree with DN here. I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be asexual (which explained his total lack of interest and his lack of relationships in the past at the age of 26). He told me that he about his lack of interest after 4 months, and after 6 months we mutually decided to call it quits.


How was your gf before, like when you first started having sex with her? Is she passive when you sleep with her?


It could be that the spark is gone from her side, it could be that stress is the reason, in fact, she's the only one who has the answer. So talk to her about it. Try not to blame her, but you need to find out what is bothering her.


I am very thankful that the ex was so honest with me. We are still the best of friends. He is just not interested in sex, period. I think there are a few signs that could indicate asexuality or a very low libido. Visit link removed and see if you recognize your gf in the stories on the forum. I did find so many answers there, even more than my ex could give me. He didn't like anything that is associated with sex. He did like cuddling, but not kissing with tongues, or me touching him there. In the end he felt even suffocated if we just slept in the same bed, just because he was scared that I wanted to have sex and he would feel guilty because he wouldn't.


Maybe this helps you, I hope things will work out for the best.



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I think the problem is that your focus sounds more on sex than affection. Have you tried giving her a gift that she would want, not necessarily what you would want, like when you gave her the lingerie? That was more a gift for you than for her. You tell her that she's attractive only so you can have sex. All of your actions speak to one motive - to have sex. Are you able just a few times to be physically affectionate without expecting sex in return? Women are usually annoyed when a man can't show affection throughout the day without expecting to go straight for the groin area. I had a boyfriend who would move my hand to his groin area after only a couple minutes of kissing. I wanted to start laughing because his penis was the central focus of any affection we shared. Deep down it really hurt my feelings. It's nice when a man can rub your neck, touch your back when walking, hold hands, etc. throughout daily interactions, and then when he wants sex, it doesn't seem like that's the only time he can handle touching.

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I have discussed this openly and seriously with her and she assures me that it is nothing to do with me; that she is totally attracted to me and that she loves having sex with me (most of the time, when we actually get down to it, the sex is Great!). She tells me this is really her and initating sex and being the aggressor isn't something she is capable of. She has also just recently mentioned that i'm not the first boyfriend who's complained about this..What else, she exercises 3-5x per week depending on her schedule, often times we go to the gym together, and she eats healthy.


However, I am definatly putting more effort into meeting her intimacy needs than she is into meeting yours. And it's not as if every little thing i do is directed towards the end result of having sex, i'm not 16 or anything. I do things like the lengerie and the toy and what not to make her feel good and to hopefully spark her interest. I would love to have sex 2x/day, i will settle for 5x/week, lately it has been 2-3x/week. When we first started goign out it was much more frequent, and it seems it started to taper around the month 5 marker, we are now at month 7.


I love her but this is something that yes I can humor with a bit of time, but eventually it will cause a breaking point for myself. A sexless/low sex marriage/life isn't something i can deal with.


You know i guess another thing is both our birthdays are coming up, and so is our xmas day celebration (23d as i go on a family vacation on the 24 for a week), i mean, if suddenly there is some "factor" on her part that makes her reject me, I will be crushed.

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Hey, I think you are dating my ex-wife.


Notice the use of "ex"...


I would say this is because she no longer sees you as a man. At least, that is how I felt in my marriage. Everything you said was nearly identical to what happened to me.

She tells me how hot I am and that i turn her on, but she never makes sexual advances, EVER.

Actions speak louder than words. She is BS'ing you. You think she's hot, right, and you make a move on her, right? Right.


i loved being pursued and having girls just want to jump me

So why are you dating her? She does not meet your standards for a woman, and now for some reason you are not standing up for yourself, for your needs, and letting her treat you this way. Believe me, it will most likely NOT get better and you will be VERY unhappy. I did the same thing for ELEVEN years. It never got better. Never.


Well, at least it didn't until I divorced her and got a new GF.


she says she doesn't want to beacuse she's full.. at this point i'm very upset quetioning a lot of things....

And I bet you did not say a thing, right? Yeah, I know, what can you say? Not much.


But did you ever think about this? If you had a good sex life and now it's gone then she essentially used sex as a tool to suck you into the relationship. Now that she "has you" and knows you won't leave (because you're a sucker, like I was) she knows she can cut you off. So she essentially lied to you about who she was.


If she thought for one minute you had enough self-confidence and self-respect to walk out and find a new GF, she would not have done this. So, this is a reflection on you about how she thinks about you. And it's not good - it's insulting. She think's you're a loser. And because of that, she ALSO does not want to have sex with you. Double-edged sword....


she wants to cuddle and not have sex

You're dating your sister. So to speak. In fact, I bet you would get more out of it if you WERE with your sister (not sexual of course, emotional.)


I dont know if shes stressed, or it's the BC pill, or what.

She doesn't find you attrractive any more. It's time for you to pack your bags and move on. Next time, you need to tell your GF that if her sex drive magically drops after a few months, you can expect her to get dropped right along with it. Sex, as mentioned, is VERY IMPORTANT in a relationship.


Get this - at month 3 my ex-wife and I stopped having sex. Here at 2+ years with my current GF I cannot keep her off of me. She kept me up until 2:00 am the other night, and I have to wake up for work at 5:00 am. Yes, I got 3 hours of sleep because of her. It's a mixed blessing, I guess, but you need to find a woman who has a libido and finds you sexy.


i do believe she loves me

Well, sure, like a mother loves her child or a dog. But she's not going to have sex with either of them, right?


She tells me i'm the hottest guy she's ever been with

That's probably true, but I think she's using you now. Are you paying her rent or bills or anything like that? How could she be using you? I think she has ulterior motives.


Quite frankly, I think this is her way of trying to get you to dump her. I have seen this before - here is a not-so-similar example, but there are more:



When a woman pulls back, she wants you to dump her. Most real men would have dumped her a long time ago, and while she WILL complain (to make you feel good that she "loves you" ) it's an act.


Aka, "Dump me."


Aka, "Dump me."


So now you are trying to buy her affection? Not good. It was a nice thought, but in this case a bad idea.


You're kissing up to her. Desperate. This is part of the problem.


Then stop doing it. Why are you rewarding her bad behavior? This is give and take - you get one O, she get's one O, then you get one, etc. And tell her so.


Well, if she gets off with those toys, what good are you? Usually it's not an issue, but I would ONLY use the vibrator when you are around. It's an enhancement for her to use WITH you.


You are, you are sticking around. Most men would be gone. Only a child would cling to her like she's your mother. It's desperate.


Oh no! Look, this is EXACTLY what happened to me! I ended up hating sex for a long time. It affected my mood, my job, my whole life! This is really important. If I were your friend, I would BEG you to think about the bigger picture here. You are probably slowly going to end up depressed and feeling worthless, and it's just not worth it. There are many more women out there who would DIE to be with you and would treat you the way you deserve!


Yup. It's that you don't fulfill her needs for a man - you allow this and it's child like - women cannot respect that.


I absolutely 100% agree. I would recommend you dump her on the spot.


Yup! See, that was a bad gift idea.


Yes, also agreed. You may want to read a few books on how to improve your skills as a lover.


However, I think you've got to move on. I read many books and while she appreciated it... nothing changed.


So I stopped rewarding her for treating me badly. Now I am happier, she is happier, my GF is happier, and her new lover is happier.


If you want to buy his book, you can sometimes find it cheap on eBay. His book is the one that singlehandedly changed my situation when I was with her. Had I read the book before I met her, I never would have dated her. Instead, I married her and tried to solve the problem you are in for ELEVEN years (as mentioned) with no results.


Good luck.

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Alot of responses are saying something along the lines of

"stop thinking about sex so much" or perhaps "stop being led by your member" =)


But to be fair, if this guy is to be committed to this girl and him not cheat on her, she is on the only person on the planet, in the universe even, that can give him the gift of intimacy that he's looking for.


If they aren't compatible in their libido levels is that a showstopper? Depends on how important that is for each of them.


Others are saying that if he would give her all her needs, then maybe she will reciprocate in kind with his needs. Both parties will likely have to compromise a little. From what I can tell he is being pretty accomodating and communicative about things.


Perhaps do a scientific experiment for 1-2 months, stop talking about sex, stop asking for sex, SHE KNOWS what you want buddy. Give her the little things she needs, give her the space and time. You aren't gonna explode. Hopefully she will see that you are different in your actions, not just your words. That you want her for her, not just her body. I bet that once she's secure and convinced about your intentions, she may be more willing to come to your side.


If after the experiment, it seems things are still one sided and you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking. Take a step back, grab hold of your self-respect and confront her on the imbalance.


You remember as a "animal" how you got the girls. Perhaps she needs to be romanced "a little" everyday instead of being a given?

Lingerie and sex toys aren't the starting points for romance dude. Cutting the grass, washing her car, making a meal, giving a gift, babysitting her little brother with her, spending time for her to have a "real talk" with you about nothing and everything at once, that's romance.



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Derek, your romancing idea amounts to being her slave.


PocoDiablo, I appreciate what happened in your situation and the effort you took in your response. believe me, I wont let it get that far, i've hear from those like yourself who have and they sounded generally miserable. I guess i dont need to look any further then my aunt and ex.uncle. But some things to clarify, She is by no means using me whatsoever financially, i'm finishing my degree and she already has hers, she makes more money than I (currently). She has broken down into tears when she said that i'm not the first guy to bring this up; there is a genuine issue there. As for dumping her on the spot, not on the holidays, not at her birthday. I do go to mexico with my family in a weeks time, i'll have to do some thinking down there, probably work on my game too. I'm sorry if i just can't pack up and leave just yet. Other then this she's the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.

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Good question, where's the line between self-sacrifice for love and slavery...


I dunno. =)


That's why they call it "Being a fool for love" =)


Guy, I'm on your side, you end goal is to have frequent incredible sex right?

and yes I was basically saying being a slave to her needs for a month and see what happens.


At least dropping the dang topic for a while, ease off on the pressure that she must perform, might get her to wonder what's going on. Make her think you are mysterious again. Every time you bring it up I bet it's like grating chalkboard noises to her and she is turned off even more. You are never going to have great sex if one partner isn't "there" and "present" with you.


We can't really change another person, you can only change yourself and give them the opportunity to change and come along side.

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dr_skier: I didn't want to hi-jack your thread, so I posted a question about sexually aggressive women since you've raised some questions for me. I don't think Derek's suggestions were too far off the mark. Also, if you really love her, you will hang around for a while longer, maybe a month or so, and try to approach the situation from a different angle. I wasn't suggesting that you forget about sex, but just to be affectionate more often throughout your interactions with her without mentioning sex. If she still pushes you away, then something is wrong.

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You've have gotten a wide array of advice here but the only important issue is what will you settle for?


Forcing her or making her feel guilty for not having sex is not going to improve the situation either. Intimacy and passion are important in a relationship but if you are thinking long-term, I hardly believe you will be getting it twice a day when you're in your 60's. Love is much more than the act of making love. Yes, it's wonderful but it does not make the relationship. You have needs are you being selfish by pushing those on to her? Others say that she is being selfish by not having sex. There needs to be a happy medium somewhere.


I do not think she is blowing you off (no pun intended) either, although there may appear to be a slight emotional attachment. The fact that you are still spending time together and she is requesting cuddling time, I can't agree with the "she's letting you down easy" posts. Communication is the key here. Her excuses are valid only until they pile up higher than your patience. It's time to have a sit down and try to get a better understanding of both of your needs and wants.

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I think if you love someone you will do all that is reasonable to solve a problem in the relationship. Some of the suggestions you have received are ok but I certainly don't think you should trade off doing things for her to get sex. That is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship.


Sex should not be something that is traded for, asked for as a gift, given as a reward for services rendered, or to merely keep your partner happy.


Sex should be mutually desired, engaged in and enjoyed - both partners should look upon it in more or less the same way. It can sometimes be more romantic or emotionally meaningful or sometimes a quickie for release or fun. And it doesn't have to be the same reason for both each and every time.


But if one partner needs more sex, or more romance, for whatever reason, than the other is willing to participate in, then you have a major problem in the relationship. Trying to find a way to interest the other partner, or finding out if there are physical or psychological problems causing an inhibition is absolutely the first thing to do. But if there are none, or the partner with little or no desire is not willing to try to address the problem they have, then the relationship will corrode - sooner or later.


Mowing the grass or helping with the dishes are distractions from the central problem. And can also be used by an unscrupulous partner to trade sex for other things - equally corrosive because it is bound to cause resentment.


The bottom line with any unresolved or unresolvable issue in any relationship is almost always - "can I tolerate this problem indefinitely in order to keep this relationship?"

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We do spend a lot of time together, and unlike 99% of women out there, I really enjoy being with her in a non sexual way too. I agree RC that there needs to be a happy medium somewhere. It was like 2 weeks ago I had a serious sit down talk with her; she said she'd promise to try and be more sexually advanceful... (i even told her it would be as simple as leaning over and telling me that you're horny).. things seemed to imporve that week but they quickly returned to their 'norm'. I agree when i'm sixty the situation will be different, however we are both in our mid-twenties. What can I say but you're right RC......."Her excuses are valid only until they pile up higher than your patience.".........I couldn't have phrased it better myself. You know what, i'm sorry but i know i'm * * * *in hot. Girls have been telling me this since highschool, I am a former football player who works out and hits the gym hard; I have a great personality and a way with words and women. I still get emails and texts from random chicks i was nailing a year ago. The last thing i need is my girlfriend to wear down my self esteem through constant rejection and perhaps give me some sort of complex. She is planning on cooking me dinner tonite cause she was having a baking night with her home ec teacher gf's last night, why couldn't she have just cheated on me instead, then i'd at least have a valid, urgent reason. This sucks, i've seriously never been in a situation like this before. You have to understand my frustration, after being with so many girls and thinking you've found a real gem, to hit a roadbump like this. First time i've loved a girl in a very long time.

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We do spend a lot of time together, and unlike 99% of women out there, I really enjoy being with her in a non sexual way too.
For one that statistic is way off.

why couldn't she have just cheated on me instead, then i'd at least have a valid, urgent reason
Its never that easy. Even if she was cheating you would have to find out.


We all find that person of whom we think is the one. But after the breakup and dating a new person we realise that we were being stupid. I guess my point is that you can never quite know if the person you are with is the one for you.

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DN, you're right, and you said it better than I did. I wasn't suggesting an exchange of favors, that's definitely unhealthy. What I was getting at was setting up a situation where she is secure enough with him to actually really love him. To actually want to please him because of who he is and how he treats her and not just always be responding to pestering.



So he's saying "I'm ***ing hot... I have a way with words... i.e., I get texts from random chicks I was nailing a year ago... (clearly a mark of true success in life) ...


He's looking for a valid reason to dump her?


Maybe she's already sensing what he's thinking in the back of his mind... (dumping) So the vicious circle is, she pulls back to not get hurt, he pulls back to prepare for the next step and in an environment like that, why would she want to have sex again?

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If they aren't compatible in their libido levels is that a showstopper? Depends on how important that is for each of them.


Well, I think how important sex is to you, is highly related to libido. I would have a serious problem in a relationship where the sexual needs couldn't be fullfilled mutually, so yes, I think sexual compatibility is part of the overall compatibility we need to have a good relationship. It is certainly one of the worst topics to have conflicts about. I have actually felt guilty about wanting sex when I learned my ex didn't enjoy sex.



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Interesting points here. Maybe we need some input from people who have successfully overcome this problem. I have never heard of it happening but that doesn't mean that is has not. So I don't hijack the thread with an abstract rather than specific answers to the OP I shall start a new thread as soon as the forum rules let me (I already have a topic on the main page about member recognition)

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I'm not saying i'm measuring success by the number of girls i've slept with. I guess i was in my head comparing my happiness levels as of current to that when it was either a different girl every couple nights or a booty call. I have honestly thought to myslef that I am happier in a relationship loving and being loved and sharing myself with someone because of that love; now i dont know.


"Maybe she's already sensing what he's thinking in the back of his mind... (dumping) So the vicious circle is, she pulls back to not get hurt, he pulls back to prepare for the next step and in an environment like that, why would she want to have sex again?"


- this is a very interesting valid point derek, however i dont think it's the case ( or it wasn't the case ) as nothing was wrong and our relationship was strong when this problem began it's snowball effect.


- would definatly like to hear from anyone that may have had this problem in their relationship.

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Nobody else out there meet and overcome this problem? I think i've come to grips in my head that this is her issue and not mine. I do think that it's her low sex drive caused by factors other then her attractiveness to myself. (she constantly tells me how hot she thinks I am and that she wants to be with me forever and she couldn't be without me and stuff, also i dont pay for any of her bills or anything so she's not keeping me around for financial reasons) That being said I'll give you folks another example of my misery

Yesterday was supposed to be day for ourselves; now i wake up early after only 4-5hours of sleep ( i worked sat night ), and of course i'd like to fool around, as obviously engaging in that sort of activity when i get home from work at 4am is uttlerly out of the question. But alas the she doesn't feel in the mood in the am (ever). So I lie there with a massive hard on; she asks me not to jerk off and to save it for her for later. So i do. Long story short breakfast, x-mas tree, coffee, xmas movies in the afternoon, dinner with my folks then back at her house, 8pm. I have expressed my interest in going to the bedroom, she has expressed her interest in cuddling on the couch watching another xmas movie, i concede. End of xmas movie, i start to try to play with her through her clothes and make out with her, access denied. "i'd just like to rest my eyes for a bit". She goes to sleep, i watch tv (ironicly enough it was a TLC show about ignighting fire in the bedroom, that was depressing) An hour passes, I decide in my head that it really hurts my feelings to much to keep getting denied when i put myself out there; so i've decided not to whether it be dirty talk before bed or touching her or whatever. So we go to bed and i dont really cuddle with her and pretend i'm a happy guy. She asks me whats wrong, if it was because she fell asleep on me. I said no, blah blah balh. Of course all i wanted to say was "listen, the house is empty, you know i work monday nights and that you're working during the day tomorrow, we've already watched xmas movies today, it'd be just super if you could show the slightest bit of sexual interest in me whatsoever." Of course this may have led to pity sex which would have been horrible so i didn't say this. She fell asleep, i jerked off, lay awake serching for answers. I didn't make any sexual advances this am, and we had a shower together where i usually touch her, today i refrained.


-I'd like to blame in the b/c pill, but we had way more sex when we first started going out (first 3-4 months).....she said it's cause she felt like she was obligated too. She also said when she was in australia she took an elevated amount of b/c pill to avoid her peroid and had no sexual desire whatsoever, i dont know what to think


-For those of you wondering I have talked to her about this, she has assured me she'd try to be more sexual, initating sex and what not. (she also has a pap test coming up so she promises to speak with her doc about the b/c she's on and libido problems - she's on tri-cyclen right now.)


-i've decided I dont want to hear anymore Im feeling tired, feeling sick or whatever else and am not going to initate sex for a long while


-I really dont know what esle to do, This makes me very unhappy and if i'm not happy why would i stay in a situation that makes me that way?



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