Complicated Situation With Older Brother

[Caldus]

Hi,

 

Something hit me really hard today for some reason but first I need to explain my situation as accurately as possible.

 

We'll start with the past.

 

I suppose it all started a very long time ago. When I was probably still in elementary school, my brothers and I (younger and older) would play a lot of video games together. I can recall a few instances where my older brother would get angry whenever I won the game and would sometimes start beating me up a little. At the time I didn't know any better and was used to it. Later on, when I was probably in middle school, the neighbors, my brothers, and I would all play football a few times a week. I would usually be on the opposite team as my older brother (we had our own set teams after a while). Drawing from my experiences, I can recall a few instances where our team beat his team but then after the game he would throw a tantrum and then would proceed to punch and kick me a few times. I figured that some people are just very competitive in nature and their passion overwhelms them in a sense. I know I let my passions in life overwhelm me at times.

 

Last Christmas day, our entire family got into a huge argument during lunch that got very serious. It isn't really important as far as what it was about but what is important to note here is that my older brother actually tried to defend me against my stepmom and dad. I can at least recall that instance where he wasn't "against" me or trying to abuse me in any other way but rather sticking up for me.

 

Then earlier this school semester, something happened (I do not want to post publicly what happened exactly) that involved him getting into a little trouble because of me getting into some trouble. I think I made a post on here a few months ago about me being very angry yet troubled about something. Well that's what this is about. I got a phone call from him a few days after whatever happened happened and he started yelling at me about whatever for about 15 minutes. He was extremely angry. I could tell. Then there is one part of the conversation that should be noted. At one point he said something about me not sticking up for him (and he was right I didn't, but it was part of my character to tell the truth about the situation to someone else) and then afterwards, he threatened to kill me if I did something like that again.

 

Now, I know there are some people who say that at times because they are either joking with friends or because it is just a figurative way of saying "I will be very mad at you". However, can you always rely on that? Drawing from my past, I see an older brother who is depressed or angry about something in his life possibly. But I really can't judge like that. Maybe there are other problems going on in his life that I do not know about. However, at the same time, I was pretty upset and frightened that day. I almost went to a counselor at school but didn't want to get the word out to anyone else about what happened. So I let it go and just hoped that over time we could just forget about it and move on.

 

So that's what I did. Months passed by. Sometimes we would get together with other family for whatever family events were held. I would try to be nice and offer him a ride or just any simple favor like that. Yada yada yada. Ever since then though, everything has just been very ackward. I would call or IM him about something and usually everything will just feel ackward between us. I don't know if he still thinks about the incident and thereforeeee has a grudge against me or what. I can definitely understand why he would be mad at me. I was irresponsible that night. It is usually not congruent of my character to be irresponsible like that. So I definitely * * * *ed up (it's OK to be harsh to ourselves sometimes if we know that we will improve from it in some way, right?). Or maybe I am overexaggerating and thinking so much about this that I am starting to believe that things really are ackward when they are actually not.

 

So given the possibility that he still does not remember and thereforeeee I would be starting an unnecessary storm if I were to bring that up with him again, how do I bring this up with him in a very non-threatening and neutral method? I want to be like a diplomat and resolve the issues and not stir up his emotions negatively. I have this feeling that he could get very mad or something and I don't want to stir up trouble because of the way I present how I feel and present the issue itself. I am a little reluctant to bring it up with him but know that it is necessary at some point. I am only making things worse by not talking to him. I am aware of that. But as you can see throughout this post, you can never tell how someone like him would react. And I know there is always some missing information in here that is important for you guys to be aware of. I hate to seek advice about family issues on the Internet, but at this point my ears are open for you guys.

 

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post, lol.

[RayKay]

Hey Caldus,

 

Chances are good he remembers, and if you really feel like you are in the wrong, I think you should just say one day "I am sorry". If he remembers, he will know what it is for. If not, he'll be like "what are you talking about?". Most likely, he'll know. Just make sure you mean it, and really do feel sorry. I really don't think he will get upset at you saying sorry, if he does, you are just going have to be very calm and not react to it, say you are sorry, and hope in time he will accept your apology...and walk away. Obviously it might be good not to do this when you are entirely alone though, ie someone is in another room, or you are out for drinks together, or something. You may have said it before, but he may be ready to HEAR it now.

 

Sounds like he has some serious anger/temper problems too, and has not learned to deal with them. Don't let it get to you, it's not you, he won't really carry out his threat, I think it's just his way of reacting to the situation as he does not know how otherwise.

 

And make sure if you are ever around him in a situation where HE deserves sticking up for, you do it.

[Caldus]

I don't really think I am in the wrong. I did explain to him over the phone that day that I was acting out of character and had no intention of purposely getting other people in trouble but knew that I had to tell the truth. Otherwise it would be like allowing my actions to be incongruent with the self and thereforeeee integrity is thrown out the window. At the same time, perhaps I should've tried calling him a few days after he cooled down from it all and discuss it again. But I never did.

[RayKay]

I don't really think I am in the wrong. I did explain to him over the phone that day that I was acting out of character and had no intention of purposely getting other people in trouble but knew that I had to tell the truth. Otherwise it would be like allowing my actions to be incongruent with the self and thereforeeee integrity is thrown out the window. At the same time, perhaps I should've tried calling him a few days after he cooled down from it all and discuss it again. But I never did.

 

Well, maybe do it now.

 

And tell him you are sorry you disappointed him, but you felt torn and had to be true to yourself. It sucks that it resulted in him getting whatever he got, and while you love him, you cannot lie for him...something like that.

 

Sometimes writing a letter and mailing it, is a good solution in these cases. Just read it over, make sure it does not seem condescending, but is genuine about wanting to clear the air between you.

[Caldus]

You're right. I think I will try to clear the air tonight while we're both heading over to our dad's for dinner. Or perhaps on the way back in case things get a little ugly. But I am still at a loss at to what words to use. The thing about language is that you can still try to convey the message through two different means but each mean could easily achieve incredibly different ends. And those ends are usually caused by a very slight difference in the two means. I'm just going to have to be thrown in the woods and give it a shot so to speak.

[Beec]

If you made a mistake, the express regret. Out of character, in accord with it, express regret and not much more to it.

 

As to the rest of it, he's your brother, let him know you appreciated him ticking by you and you hope you can do so for him in the future, and let it go.

[Caldus]

Should I simply start out with "are you still mad at me for "?

[Beec]

No, I woudl be more like:

 

"You know, I'm sorry I screwed up (give an approx time like "back in October"). But I also want you to know I appreciated you sticking up for me. I hope that I will get the chance to do that for you someday."

 

That's all you need to do.

[mrsmarvl]

The truth is never wrong