Complicated friendship

[Lykke 32]

Hi guys. My first post here. I would really appreciate your opinions and advices. The story is complicated and long, so thanks for your time....

 

I´ve met this girl about 3 yrs ago. Small talks at the gym first. About 2 yrs ago she invited me for a coffee, we became friends. We clicked right from the start: same interests, same backrounds, same values, we even look alike, the more in common we´ve found, the most amazed we were by each other.... We saw each other almost every day, texted daily several times...."Hi, how are you? Miss you. Thoughts of you. You are the best! No, you are the best! Love you! Love you more! Need you! Can´t be without you! See you soon! Hug you really really soon!" such things...

 

I have to mention couple facts, important to know:

1. We are from different countries, we spoke English and later on Danish, which I´ve learnt.

2. She suffers of some kind of genetic deppression desease.

3. My feelings for her were so strong, that I thought, I am in love with her.

4. I have a kid, she doesn´t. We are both married though.

 

After 6 month I had to go home for 4 month, we were pretty sad for that, but we kept in contact throught the net and cell phone. I´ve got the "have a nice trip"present from her - cd with song "Didn´t know, I was looking for love until I´ve found you..." Well, I´ve got back and opened up to her telling her, I am probably in love with her. Believe me, I would never say any, if I wasn´t sure, that it´s mutual.... Well, apparently it wasn´t, even if she was hugging me all the time, touching me... this one kiss, that took my breath away.... Anyway I misread those signs. She took it well, we continued as friends. I told her, I probably misunderstood my feelings, I only love her a lot...

 

Soon after that our first fight started. I invited her and her husband for a dinner at our place, she forgot. She planed to spend some time with me during the weekend, she forgot. I was annoyed, ´cause of me, living appart from my family and husband, traveling quite often, I had to plan everything with having babysitter. She never got that.... I didn´t say a word, but seemed annoyed....Anyway, she wrote me this "assertive" mail, as she called it, that I am demanding and she wanna back off. What was I suppose to reply? I didn´t, I was crying.... Next day another "assertive" one, that she didn´t know what to think about me not replying..... Ended up me apologizing to her...

 

Well, our second fight. About her family. Right from the start she took me for several visits to her parents, grandmothers, sister.... I was quite surprised by that, bit annoyed actually, ´cause I am always trying to keep contact with people, I met, so it ment another 8 new in my life.... But I thought, ok, if it´s important to her.... They all liked me a lot, wrote me mails, letters, stoped by for a coffee. I did the same as return...They treated me like their family.... But all of the sudden it was problem for her.....She accused me of chasing her family - another "sweet" mail.... I was in shock. It was her idea at first place! I called her and just asked, how could she think all those thinks about me...She replied, if I was saying, they were not true, she believed me. Just like that?? Ended up me appologizing to her....And feeling like a crap, ´cause I cut the contact with the people, who liked me, with no reason....I still wonder, if they got, what happened....

 

Then we didn´t see each other so often, she never had time. Just those small talks at the gym again.

 

Then one day she came by and admited, she missed me a lot and she needed me. It all started again. Million sms, hug you, miss you, wanna kiss you....

 

Meanwhile all this, if we had some plans, she often cancelled on me, saying, she didn´t feel like, she was tired, deppressed, not in the mood.....Or because of someone else. I was trying to understand and support her....

 

My birthday party. She and her husband couldn´t come, they had some other friends over. Well, couldn´t they cancell on them for once? No...

 

That time, about 6 month ago, she called me her best friend ever, the one she could never be without, the best best ever...."Thank you for you, you are my love forever!"

 

My birthday present. Surprice, suprice! I opened it and said "Thank you soooo much, you are so sweet!". But crying inside though. I saw this particular thing at their house. I was taking care of their cats during the christmas holiday and it was standing there with other presents, they´ve got for christmas..... What was I suppose to think? That I was worth some junk, she´ve found in the closet and passed to me?

 

I was confused and I was hurting all the time....

 

Bad news though.... We had to move to another town about 4 hrs drive from her..... We were both devasteted....She run into my place and hugged me and promised to be there for me anytime and so..."Well, you know, I am going out with my friends tonight, sorry, see you tomorrow?" And she left. But she wrote me in the middle of the night, that she would love to be with me....Is it just me, who thinks, this was strange?

 

So I moved. We kept writting mails. I was at school in her town all the previous year to learn danish, so I had to return back for the final exams. (I didn´t actually have to, I used it as en exuse to get back and be close to her for almost a month). She knew, I was coming, we were so excited about that. "Where are you my love?" she wrote 2 hrs before I´ve got there. We met, she was so glad to see me and..... that was almost it..... Throught all this month she found time for me one saturday afternoon... I several times suggested something, she would so love to do that with me, but sorry, busy, tired, not in the mood, some other time.... (Like when?) Then I gave up.... She started sms chat about, how her not having time for me was nothing personal, that we would find a solution, that she loves me loves me loves me.... But this chat ended up again her accusing me of being demanding and that I started all this discussion..... I didn´t start it! So I left again, disappointed and hurt....

 

After that I tried not to write her so often, not to be hurt again...

 

The final cut... I mentioned to her, that there was this aerobic marathon at the gym in Kbh, where we now live. I also wrote her, there was this dinner afterwards, so it would be nice to go out. Well, surprisingly enought, she wanted to come, but..... she had to return home right after the marathon, ´cause she had "an appointment". Ok, what kind of appointment one can have saturday night? I wrote her, not to come. I knew, it would hurt me, that she would be in hurry to reach the party with others in time..... She did come anyway. Throught all the marathon she was so nervous and checked the time constantly. I was so annoyed, it was so obvious, that she didn´t want to be there at first place..... I was mad.... Why did she come so? She left in such a hurry.....

 

I wrote her, tried to explain, how I felt. That I was disappointed, she didn´t want to go out with me..... She freaked out and wrote. It was her, who came, true, I was demanding, maybe true, I was jealous of her friends, true....Something about her priorities.... I was quite shaking reading all that. And then I wrote her a mail, I regret. It was mean one, you know, when you want to hurt somebody... I succeeded.... I wrote her to have a nice life and ,please, no more "assertive" mails.... I´ve never heart more from her again.....I know, I overreacted in that case, but for me it was just this last straw... more then 2 months ago now....

 

What I want to know is: was I really that demanding? Going out with her, when we hardly ever see each other now? I was trying to compare her with my other friends, they would treat me differently in similar situations.....

For me it seemed, like she was shutting me out. What do you think?

What do you think about that birthday present? I feel so stupid....

Should I appologize for that mean mail? I´ve never hurt anybody on purspose and I feel really bad and guilty about it....

 

I felt nothing but relief though, after we split. She was having this horrible impact on me, I felt hurt and deppressed all the last 6 month, and it´s gone. I am so glad. However I am afraid, that when I write her, those feelings might be back....

I still love her, it didn´t disapear, but don´t wanna be in the middle of such a mess again.....I admit though, that I might love her more then a friend and that makes it all even more confusing (it never happened to me before...)

I think, she was giving me really mixed signals. One thing was the hugging and touching, the other, she always promised something, that she never ment to happen. Did she treat me like her best friend? How does she treat the other friends though... I was so confused all the time and I still am. I just hate the empty promises.... She was writting me, how she would like to do this and that, go with me here and there, it never happened...Could her behaviour have something to do with the deppression desease? She could be really down and I was trying to support her all the time. I am afraid now, that I might do some really serious damage by this last refusing mail.... But I thought, if she chose others, then they might as well support her now...

 

Appart from this all, we had also really nice times together, she was way too special girl to me.....It wasn´t just ment to be, I guess....

 

 

This is really long, I know. Sorry... But thank you for any comment....

[Cynder]

Hi,

I don't think you over reacted at all. MOst people wouldn't have put up with it for as long as you did. I've had friends do this kind of stuff to me, and yes it is annoying.

 

It is understandable that you want to contact her again and say you are sorry. Maybe you feel like the situations needs some closure? But you said you feel relieved since the split. This is a difficult decision, inviting all that stress into your life again or clearing your conscience by apologizing.

 

I do think you were right to be upset about the birthday present though. That was just downright rude in my opinion.

 

Good luck

[Lykke 32]

Hi Cynder, thank you for reading all this, I know it´s damn long....It was difficult to cut the story short

 

I have problems to admit to myself, that she treated me badly. I tend to blame myself for all this....

 

I did let her know in one of the last mails, that I knew about the birthday present. So now, when I am on my "I should appologize" mood, I often remember it. I believe, she is the one, who should appologize at least for that..... As she never said sorry for anything else.... Never ever... She came up though with this huge explanation, why she gave it to me and bla bla bla.... But no "sorry, it was stupid"...

 

Yes, I would say I need some closure of all this.... And the notion, that I was such rude to anybody makes me sick of myself.... So, maybe I will contact her...Or maybe I won´t.....Hasitant....

 

Thanks, good luck to you too!