Why? Is this normal??????

[SolSystem]

I am getting upset because a short while ago I made the mental decision that I need to break up with my GF. We hav ebeen dating for 2 years and we live together, this is my first serious and physical relatiosnhip. This has been the hardest decision of my life -- I decided it would be best to tell her after finals are done.

 

This week has been emotional torture! I dont know if she senses whats going on -- but all of a sudden, shes telling me she loves me a million times during the day, hugging me way more than what she used to do, is saying im the best, left notes for me that she hadnt done since the very beginning of our relationship -- this is not the only thing that messes me up in the head....why is this happening!!!!?? what do i do?????????? its making me feel so sad and terrible

[lady00]

Maybe she senses that the end is near (consciously or subconsciously) and she is perhaps trying to compensate and save the relationship. Or, it's just a coincidence that she's acting that way. Perhaps a mixture of the two. You feel guilty...it's normal when you initiate a breakup...it will pass. It's part of the process unfortunately. You don't want to hurt her so it's natural that you would feel upset/guilty about breaking up. Out of curiosity, why did you decide to break up?

[Mrocza]

I'm going through a similar situation...kind of. (Read my thread: Tension)

 

I'm thinking about being on my own...and he's constantly smothering me because he knows my feelings have changed. I feel pretty guilty too. I think you should talk to her about it...be honest. In my case, didn't exactly help, but hey.

[RayKay]

I think....one can feel when something is "different" with their partner if they are attuned to them enough.

 

She may be "chasing" because she feels you are pulling away emotionally in some way, and she is reacting to that.....it may be conscious or subconscious, but it's a normal reaction. You may also just be more NOTICING of the gestures because of your decision.

 

However hard it is, these gestures may also be making you even feel more...aware...of why you want to end it. I know in the past, sometimes when there is someone wanting to break it, and their partner does this, it can make them realize even more their own feelings are different, that things are not the same, and so forth. It can even cause resentment.

 

I think the main thing is to keep in mind why you want/need to end it, and not lead her on. She probably notices you are not reacting to her gestures, so does more to try and "win you over" but be wary of doing that. It sucks when someone professes their love then breaks it off the next day!

 

When are finals over, and why are you ending it?

[SolSystem]

There are a few reasons...and I'll try to explain them without going into too much length...first is that I have allways been made to feel bad for wanting to see my family, even just for a few days. I have a very close relationship with them, especially with my autistic brother. My GF spent 7 months of our 2 years studying abroad, and I understood that she needed to pursue her dreams. Her family has divorce all over, and I never ever judged her for that. But the fact that I have felt uncomfortable telling my family I want to see them is just something I do not want to feel anymore. The person I want to be with needs to understand this. She has made an effort, but my intuition tells me its not right!! Thats what my gut is telling me.

 

Also, because of my family's money situation, I always lived in a room with my brother. I have never been on my own. My money situation is even worse -- even though I work on top of taking college classes, I am having hard times making ends meet. This is a pressure I feel is something she does not deserve. I have this need to be on my own. It really is whats best for me!

 

Also, I have a goofy sense of humor, and straight out she shut me down, telling me to "shush". It was a major blockage of who I really am. I feel I have connected better with other people!!

 

These feelings have made me realize I'm not putting in 100%....and for her sake, I should not let it drag out any longer.

[RayKay]

Well it sounds like you have some pretty good reasons then, the family thing would be a big one for me, especially since due to your brother's autism, there is even more need of that "family support" together. I am going through something similar with my mom's recent cancer diagnosis, but my boyfriend fortunately is rallying to my, and my family's, side as well.

 

It won't be easy to do, but it sounds like you have already searched your heart, and know that this is not the right relationship for you at this time in your life.

 

I wish you all the best of luck, just be firm, but compassionate when you do it. And I hope her finals are over soon so it won't be so confusing as it is right now.

[SolSystem]

I also feel extremely sad because I would be hurting her dreams of marriage...and nothing would depress me more than knowing I did this to someone.

[RayKay]

I also feel extremely sad because I would be hurting her dreams of marriage...and nothing would depress me more than knowing I did this to someone.

 

Not a good reason to stay with someone, my dear.

 

You can't stay with someone and go along with things when they don't feel right, just to avoid hurting them.

 

She will still be able to get married, and all of that, it just won't be with you. It's much better to be married to the RIGHT person, then married just for the sake of being married.

[SolSystem]

Thank you RayKay. I appreciate all of this!

[RayKay]

Anytime Sol

 

I do feel for the situation you are in, I do. I have been there too.

 

Actually, I posted today too about one of my friends whom is in similar situation as you....loved his gf, been with her 10 years, he was her first serious partner, and she sort of was his, she wanted to marry him, get a dog together, etcetera....but he realized she was not right, wanting to sort of mold him into whom SHE wanted him to be, not encourage the person he was...it was not with his family, but with his friends, his personality. And while he loved her, he knew he had to do it. And it was hard, but he feels better now because he can be himself, and she is free to find someone whom is more compatible with her too.

 

It will be okay.

[SolSystem]

wanting to sort of mold him into whom SHE wanted him to be

 

Oh my....that's exactly what I feel.

[RayKay]

Oh my....that's exactly what I feel.

 

He said he realized it one day for sure (this was not only reason, lest he sound shallow...but it was a big "clue in") when he was looking through his closet and was looking at all these ugly shirts he had on one side of his closet that he never wore. He then realized they were all ones she had bought him, that he would never wear and were not him at all. It got him thinking about a lot of other things...but just imagine all that was set off because of some ugly shirts

[SolSystem]

WHat did he say to her? I mean, how did he break it off?

[RayKay]

WHat did he say to her? I mean, how did he break it off?

 

He just sat her down one day and told her how he was feeling, and I think that is all you CAN do really. Just let her know how you feel, your heart is not in it. If she says "we'll work on it" don't lead her on if you already know it's not something you CAN work on (as he did) because it's a feeling thing, not a "thing to be solved together".

[SolSystem]

Now I am thinking of all of the good things -- how she went out of her way to get me an old london tube map (i collect maps) you know? stuff like that....makes this all harder for me to bear.......i think i am starting to get sick....it may be the anticipation....