girlfriend or no girlfriend?

[gradle]

hi all!

i'm in a mass of confusion right now. there's a 31 year old guy i have a crush on at work. but i have no clue if he has a girlfriend or not. he always emails and flirts over email. and he comes over sometime to chat. we have plans to watch a basketball game on tv in january (my university vs. his) and he brews his own beer and he brought me some as a birthday present. he also wants to go out to happy hours a lot, but only wants to go early. when we do go out, he always says, oh, i've got to leave by 6:30, but doesn't have a good reason (one night it was laundry, another was to shave). he's always going on these big trips too, (like he just got back from jamaica) and i ask who he went with, and he said his buddies.

but on his wall near his desk, there's a gigantic heart, and i wonder where it came from. he has never once mentioned a girlfriend and there are no pictures up there of anyone. but i'm WAY too shy to ask, or to make any more than flirty moves on him. we got out of work today early, and i stopped by his desk to see if he'd heard about the early release, he asked how i was getting home, (he lives kind of near me, but his place isn't subway accessible, mine is) i said i was just gonna take the subway, and he looked a little dissappointed, but i looked up and saw the heart and just sort of said, see you later.

but i have other guys that like me that are totally available. and i'm totally not interested. i'm scared i'm only goin to like unavailable guys. and i'm not ready to stop liking this one yet.

any suggestions?

[DN]

In a light conversation, tell him what your holiday plans are and then ask him if he is spending the holidays with his family or his girlfriend, or is he on his own? Keep it very casual.

[RayKay]

I agree with DN, you are just going to have to find some way of asking him in a way you can still feel comfortable doing so. Almost take it for granted he DOES have a girlfriend when you ask "are you spending holidays with your girlfriend or family?" and watch how he responds, as well as listening.

 

It is possible he does have one, or possible he doesn't, and you are just reading into things that are not there (maybe heart is from an ex, or a niece, or his mother..and trip really WAS with guy friends!). Or maybe he has to be home by 6:30 because he has a girlfriend whom gets home then too....

 

Yup, you really have to ask, unless you have a mutual friend whom would know.

[gradle]

you guys are right. i need to find a way to know for sure. its' already ruining my plans. i have a really hot guy friend that i used to date coming to visit in jan, and i had him come a different weekend than what he was thinking, b/c he would have come on the weekend of the basketball game, and i didn't want this guy to meet him and think bad thoughts.

but i'm WAY to shy to bring up a possible girlfriend. he said he'd probably come out for a happy hour next week (he's in finals now) so we'll see what happens then? maybe he won't leave early?

i already asked him what he was doing for xmas and new years, he said he was going home for the whole week in between. i can't remember about thanksgiving. maybe if he had a g/f he'd spend that with her fam? i should maybe ask that again?

ugh, i'm so sorry. iknow i'm pathetic. i just don't know how to meet a guy i like anymore. i'm too shy when i meet the ones i like. and when i don't care that much, i'll talk about anything and i'm the one not interested...being single can be fun, but also really hard.

[chai714]

He had to shave? He had to do laundry? So, laundry was so important that he had to leave happy hour, and his beard was growing that fast so he had to leave happy hour early?

[Hope75]

I think what DN suggested was a good idea. Keep it casual, or even ask him about the heart on his desk in a joking manner.

 

If you are interested and he's been spending time with you, you deserve to know if he's attached or not. There's a difference between harmless flirting and this. (meaning he sounds interested and is spending time with you outside the office, but it's very weird that he's got to go home to "shave" or "do laundry".)

 

My best friend had a major crush on a guy at her work, and he sent her all the signals, and they spent time together, and then a few months later she finds out that he has a girlfriend and they just bought a house together! It was the ultimate blow, and I thought it was kinda lousy that he didn't bring it up in the beginning.

[annie24]

definitely - I like Dave's approach. He's being awfully flirty, so that is promising, but yeah, best to find out soon if he has a gf or not!

 

Good luck! It sounds like you've got a whole troupe of men fighting for you!

[gradle]

aww, i love ou guys. i just got home. no, i don't have at troupe of guys, i just like guys that are anavailable to me. i'm every girl. we don't love the guys that are there. ok. TOMORROW. i'm daring myself to find out. one way or the other. i want to know before i waste too much on some guy who has some glimmerof a porn scene in his head (which all guys do by the way)l. i want to know, tomorrow.

[Hope75]

Oooh! Goody! It's tomorrow!!

 

Soo.............. what did he say?? Huh? Huh??

[gradle]

hah! hope you're hilarious!

ok i was totally not sober when i wrote the last comment which is why i did not ask if he had a girlfriend.

but! i asked him if he wanted to come down and get lunch with my friends and i, and he said he couldn't, but he had a good excuse, he had a really important report due out for work by 1 and he has his final paper for his class due this weekend. but he said i should keep trying to get him to hang out, b/c he should be free in a few days and would probably want to have fun

i told him i'd let him try to hang out.

he asked me what i was doing this weekend, and i guess i have a lot of parties to go to (6, i guess that's a lot isn't it! but it's the holiday season!) and i sort of have plans on sunday too. but he didn't ask for my nubmer or anything, we were just flirting all day.

i'm kinda sad he won't be in work on monday either. but it'll honestly be much better for my job if he's not!

ugh, this is frustrating! sometimes it's so hard to be single!

[Hope75]

Well, it definitely sounds like he's interested, (and who wouldn't be?? ) but you gotta find out what the situation is with the heart on the desk and the weird excuses to go home....

[gradle]

ok. i'm GOING to find out this week. he has no choice. he's gonna have to make a move or tell. me he has a girlfriend.

i think i'm just gonna not email him at all. let him do all the emailing and see what happens....if he's definitely interested, he'll keep it up...right?

or is that just being too harsh?

[Hope75]

No, it isn't too harsh... you have reasonable suspicion he is involved with someone as he came up with some pretty lame excuses for going home early and has that heart on his desk.....

 

Let him pursue you and do ask him what his status is....

 

You are worth being faithful and exclusive to!

[gradle]

hi all!

in a hurry

good news, i ran into (lets' call him B) today, he came in on his day off to do some work, adn he was totally flirting with me, but you could tell he was kind of shy but excited...still does not mean he doens't have a g/f. i always say, guys always have porn scene in their head.

but he said he wanted to go out this week and was disappointed that the happy hour planned for tonight was cancelled! so he told me to think up something good for the next couple of days!! woohoo, he said he'd be up for a non happy hour drink too...

but! then a friend had said there WAS going to be a happy hour today, but B had already left so i'm sooper sad about that...

but hopefully he'll want to come around.

i was so good. i didn't contact him at all, and i was totally trying to be aloof. yay me!

ok, don't get too excited, nothing has happened yet...

[hk87]

Casually e-mail him and talk about holidays or just ask him if he has a girlfriend, it definitely is a sure way of finding out! I did it and it wasn't a big deal because the guy and me were friends. Its quite a normal thing for friends to talk about. lol

 

Hk87

[gradle]

hiiiii!

i just got back from being out with B...and it was fun! well, it started off so awkward, cause we were at work and he totally decided we should do dinner with drinks and then *maybe* go to the billiards place afterwards, and were trying to keep it cool while we were leaving, and we ran into this girl who he's going to a happy hour with TOMORROW! (yes, freaks me out b/c she is drop dead gorgeous) and after we saw her, i commented on how pretty she was, all he said was, yeah, she is.).

that made it a little awkward for a while, but then we started having fun, we started drinknig and eating and playing darts and i let him win and i could tell he was having fun, but before 9 he had to take me home! EWWW. he has to be at work by about 5:30, but still, isn't 9 early? he had to bake a cake for tomorrow.

he promised he'd bring me a piece, but i still think 9 is too early to go home, don't you? maybe he really does like that other girl and i'm a dummy for even pursuing, which sucks, cause he seems kind of cool...

i guess we'll see tomorrow...

i'm off to finish up my xmas shopping...

love you!

[annie24]

I think you should just ask .... try to work it in casually. Like, "did you buy a christmas present for your gf yet?"

 

Or, maybe if you have some mutual friends, ask one of them if he has a gf!

 

Or, maybe tease him. Like if he says something gross or silly, maybe say, "I bet your gf hates it when you do stuff like that!"

 

I don't know... just some ideas.....

[gradle]

awww, thanks annie!

i'm thinking now that he doesn't have a girlfriend, of course i could still be wrong...but now i don't know how to figure out if he had as good a time as i did, i think he did, but then i was drunk and so happy that he was there....maybe he didn't, i guess i 'll find out tomorrow

[annie24]

Ok, how about this. If you find out he does or doesn't have a gf, what is your next course of action?

[gradle]

if he does??! i take 10 GIGANTIC steps away, b/c he is much too shady and taken to pursue,

if he DOESN"T?

then i keep doing as i've been doing, hopefully giving him more and more control....

i know he won't be around for xmas, he's going to his parent's house in illinois....so i think i might have to wait until the new year. ican't imagine he'll invite me to the same happy hour that this hot girl is going to be at!

she said as she got onto the elevator with us, she looked right at him with this really flirty look and said, "so are you in for tomorrow" and he said, yeah, i'm in....

he had emailed me before and said there was a basketball game on wednesday, that's all he'd said....

i don't know, maybe he's all about her, but maybe she's taken and i'm being dumb...

[Hope75]

9 does seem a little early, but I still think it's Ok to come out and ask him if he's seeing anyone.

 

He's being awfully flirty with you but then he's hanging with the other girl too and 9?? C'mon! Where is he going?

[gradle]

hi all!

thanks for the posts ok, so i got into work this morning and he had emailed me to say he had a lot of fun last night, which was cool. and he wanted to bring me a piece of the cake he made last night for the office party i got the first piece.

so i invited him out for a quick happy hour today, but he said the had to go watch this big basketball game on tv (i asked b/c i knew he had plans to see this other girl today, and i wanted to know what was going on). but then he emailed me and wanted to know if i wanted to do a happy hour tomorrow. it was weird, in the email he said, "i can't go out tonight, i have to watch the game, but there is a happy hour tomorrow and you should come. it's in the area, that's what the girl in the elevator was talking about. " that's exactly what he said.

so, i'm confused, i thought she said are in for tomorrow (as in today, wednesday) but he made it sound like, there's a big happy hour tomorrow and she's gonna be there as well....

but i stopped emailing him for a while and let him do it all, and he seemed really cute and flirty...

any thoughts?

i don't know, i guess his going home early does make sense, since he does probably have to wake up at 4:30 every morning. i can't really be upset at that, can i?

[Hope75]

I think you could stop all this worrying if you just come out and ask him if he is seeing anyone.

 

Don't you think it's OK to ask him that?

[gradle]

oh my gosh. drama.

so he wanted me to go to this happy hour today and i asked if i could invite my friends...he waited until about 3 to say that would be fine, itwas at 4 and kind of far..i just didn't knwo if it were gonna be the two of us, or not. so i did invite them and a couple them ended up coming, a girlfriend of mine and this really good guy i know who's actually engaged came with us. b actually offered to pick me up from work to go to the bar, so i just came with my friends adn he seemed ok, i know my friends are my age and we look kind of young compared to B's friends, but still...not a big deal, it's cause we ARE young compared to him. but when we walked into the bar there were all these 30 somethings just standing around, and that girl that i had seen the other day was there...

so i guess my friends and i were talking a lot, we tried being friendly to the others but they weren't coming around a lot and we weren't mingling too much. but honestly, we were the more attractive and friendly of the bunch.

but that b was talking to us for a while, but i could tell that sometimes he was checking out that other girl, and i mentioned it to my friends and before that they said they didn't notice, but after that they said they did. well anyways, towards the end of the night (i knew b had to get home b/c he is an old man, and i have dinner plans in a bit) that girl came up to him and said, so who are these young kids and why did you bring them, and he pointed at me (note, i was standing like 5 feet away talking to some people and i could hear most of it) and said he came with me and that i brought my friends (who he acted ashamed of which he has no reason to) and she said, well how are they going to get home, and he said well i think tehy live near the metros, so i guess they can take that, then he said "losers" and maybe he was just joking, but that pissed me off. so I chugged my drink, and said to my friends, let's go.. i was really sweet to that girl and the other people and left.

he seemed a little surprised that i just ran out like that, i think he didn't want me to bring my friends,but why not? i don't get that, and maybe i didn't spend all my time talking to him, this was MY happy hour too and i didn't know anyone else adn i thought my friends would have a good time. my friends seemed to think it was fine, but i'm still mad, am i being too much right now? they say he was just trying to make me jealous, they think i should give him another chance, but why should i, just cause we're young (DUH) i never lied about my age to him, doesn't mean we're that much less mature...

i think he's cute, and i wish i could give him another chance, but i thought that was kind of crappy.

what do you you guys think?

ugh, thanks for the input!

[Belle]

gradle,

 

Honestly I believe you are overreacting. It's understandable if you felt uncomfortable and a little insecure that he was possibly direspecting your friends, but I would forget about it and not take it personally. I don't think he meant anything by it and I think you like him and are reading too much into what he's saying. Forget it and don't bring it up. There are things that are worth clearing the air about, this is not one of those things.

 

As for the other girl, from an outsider's view it looks like he likes her. He may like you too, but I think you and your friends know that he's checking her out. It's highly possible he wouldn't stand a chance in hell with her though so I wouldn't really worry about it until you know they're dating.

 

And finally, you really do need to clear up the girlfriend thing at some point. The heart thing bugs me. Annie suggested some great nonchalant ways of finding out. You don't have to say "hey, if you don't have a girlfriend can you please be my boyfriend".

 

Best of luck,

 

Belle