Fear of Ending Up Alone?

[Prufrock06]

Every once in a while -- maybe it's after hanging around my straight crush or my married friends or hearing about a good friend of mine falling in love -- I'll get these intense feelings of loneliness and worry about never falling in love, never finding the right guy to spend the rest of my life with, etc. etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the gay best friend, you know? The novelty toy who gives warm hugs and good advice that's never really reciprocated. For example, a month or so back I went to a party with this guy I had a crush on and took a picture of him with this girl from one of his classes. I went home that night devastated and thinking that I was going to be the guy who always takes pictures of other people but never have people to take pictures of me with someone I love.

 

It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it can be quite emotionally draining. It's all very depressing, self destructive thinking (and yes, I do have some self-esteem and self-efficacy issues, but I'm getting better with those -- coming out has certainly helped in that regard) and seems rooted in this deep fear I have that there's no one out there to love me or no one who would be willing to receive my love and that I'm going to end up old and alone and wishing I'd never come out as gay so I could pass for straight -- that way I'd have a wife and kids, at least. Even though I know most of the time that this isn't true, it's still kind of difficult to convince myself of this once I get swept up in these feelings.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I wonder, if or when you do feel this way, how do you cope with these feelings of loneliness and hopelessness? Why also do you think these feelings are so common among people like us (as I've looked through numerous profiles of my gay peers on the internet where they describe their fears as "being alone")?

[catgirl82]

i think your fear is totally normal. that fear sneaks up on me from time to time, especially after a relationship has ended or im in a dating drought. it kind of sits in the back of your head and pops up at the worst times- and it just makes you feel so crappy, trust me i know!!

 

i am around your age and alot of my friends are in very serious relationships and i wonder why im always the bridesmaid never the bride (not literally but probably soon will be literally true)

 

 

what makes me feel better is to realize that its perfectly normal to be single. i think about all my great fabulous friends who are single- there is nothing wrong with them and i know one day they will fall in love, get married, etc.

 

so, when you start getting scared, its probably because youre obsessing over the fact that youre alone. its best to accept the fact that you are single along with the millions of other single people, there is nothing wrong with you, and youre time will come just like it will for everyone else

[mgirl]

Yes, i used to have that "fear", but now it is more an exceptance of reality and a feeling of dread! Lol. No, really, i have accepted the reality that i MAY end up alone and it freaks me out in the sense that i think "who is going to look after me when i'm old?" I mean, most couples have kids and i may very well not.

 

However, if it is any consolation, i don't think as many married couples are as happy as we think. Sure, there are those that are, but there are also people who stay together for the sake of convenience, a fear of being alone, or for financial reasons and then, one person eventually passes on before the other, hence leaving the other one alone anyway. I am sorry for being so morose, it is not my intention to offend, it is simply the way that i view the nature of relationships and living alone.

 

Sometimes i am alone and i feel really "alone", but other times i actually enjoy my own company and don't mind too much. Sometimes also, i believe i have learned to live with it.

 

Meeting somebody in the gay community is definitely a difficult thing due to the fickleness of it all and different priorities and culture. You may meet somebody, you are still young and have plenty of years ahead of you. A contigency plan i have is to hook up with a friend and live like a couple but not be intimate, if you know what i mean. Sort of like a long-term friendship. I would be quite happy to do that because friendship is more important to me than romance anyway, because "romance" fades (i hope i am not too cynical!).

 

So, it is good that you are aware of such issues so early on in your life as many people in our situation plunge into denial and only wake-up after a 20 year stupor of drugs and alcohol to realise they are on their own.

 

Good luck and DON'T WORRY!

[romantic sweetheart]

I understand deeply, whole-heartedly your intense fear of ending up alone. In fact, my greatest fear is dying alone........

 

In my early 20's, I suffered from that acute fear of which you describe. I saw, one by one, every one of my 23 cousins get married, and then, have families. I stopped going to family gatherings after I was seated at the "kids" table at age 25 during a Thanksgiving dinner at my aunts...Because I was single, I was not invited to the "adult" "married" table........

 

I just turned 30 this year...and over the past few years, I began feeling more at peace with my single status. I don't know how this happened at all...I used to tremble and cry myself to sleep, so afraid I would end up alone....I still do feel scared from time to time...Maybe I have just distracted myself...Or maybe I am now scared of love...I don't know....

 

But you asked how to cope.....The best thing I did when I felt scared and sad was to talk to people who were single, like me, and going through the same things I was. I found I couldn't relate to my married cousins with six kids hanging off their arms, and although I love them as family, they just couldn't understand my experiences...So I found people who could.....I enjoyed talking to all people of all ages from all walks of life who, for one reason or another, had not yet found "the one."

 

Even though I am not gay, I still passionately comprehend your anguish and fears.........Maybe it is silly to say this, but when I was a teenager, I thought perhaps I was gay.....I couldn't help it, but I had a crush on a girl in one of my classes...I thought about her all the time......I then felt perhaps I was gay, since I had never had a boyfriend, and everyone always teased me about being gay anyway......I really was just very very shy.....Anyway, during this time, I really felt that I was doomed to a lifetime of aloneness, because if I were gay, my ultra-conservative family would...I don't even know what they would do....But we're talking about a family who threw away my antique Oscar Wilde book because Wilde was gay....!!

 

I am sorry to digress....It's getting late here, I'm alone..and just typing out all these memories......When I developed a new crush on a 15-year-old harpsicord player (who happened to be a boy) I guess I felt "relieved" that I was "normal".....

 

More than just the fear of being different, I did experience time and time again that aching, dark fear of ending up old and alone..I think this is entirely normal, and just the soul's fear expression of its longing for love......Our reason for being born here on Earth is to learn and to love......Love being the most urgent, sweetest, passionate, wanted thing in existence....

 

So....when we are approaching the age when we see all our friends coupling off, marrying, moving in together, etc...Naturally we start wondering "When will this happen for me???"

 

This year I learned something new....something that has begun to heal these fears......It is the idea that we can create our world...anyway that we want...and draw in the love we need......All we need to do is tell ourselves that we have it...Phrases such as "I have a beautiful person in my life" "I am enjoying a perfect, loving relationship that fufils all my needs" "I am loved by a handsome, caring soul" etc. etc. I know it may sounds bizarre or new-agey...but there is something reassuring, healing, and hopeful about making this present-tense statements.....

 

Many people I have spoken to have told me that these statements have brought to their lives new friends, new opportunities....or peace of mind and heart....It could be that if we convince our mind, we can convince our hearts, and then, convince the gods! All I know is that I believe the soul has the power to bring about love.....

 

You may recall a time when something happened in your life that seemed too good to be true...Perhaps that was little glimpse of the power of your longings shining through to reality.....

 

This year, I have witnessed how my broken spirit created so much trauma in my life....Forcing me to face what is hurting inside...and giving me the courage to change my life....I used to feel like life was beating me down..I know realise that I can create the life I want...one small step at a time.....

 

I want to tell you that what we desire...can come true...as cheesy and cliche as that sounds...But I know that it can....You will not end up alone..because you want love, need love, and are yearning to give love.......Instead of saying "one day, please send me.." say "I have, today, the love I have always wanted" It sends a message of hope and energy to the soul.......

 

These warm thoughts will lull you to sleep and keep your heart brimming with hope...Every night, imagine the perfect love....envision who he will be....down to the last detail....Do not falter, do not doubt...Just imagine....draw pictures, make a list of all his attributes...I know this culture can poo-poo away these methods...But remember a time when daydreams and fairytales....night dreams...and gallant stories...where the wisdom of a culture?? We have lost sight of the power of the soul, the mind, the heart......in creating and guiding a true life for each and every one of us....

 

Don't let the world trick you into thinking it has control...You have control...of your wildest longings.....I have to believe that...because in this strange world, we need a little fanciful dreaming to keep us going.....

 

I am looking at a fortune from a cookie..It reads "Keep true to the dreams of your youth"

 

You, 23, young and alive......dream your dreams....You will never be alone.....

[newts]

The best thing about loneliness is the freedom, the freedom to be whom ever you want and do whatever you want to.

[Blue Skittles]

Its normal, I used to have that fear all the time. Then I got my cats. Then I stopped having that fear, and actually started looking forward to being alone for the rest of my life. It was like an exciting adventure, and I felt so confident and so free that I didn't need a man to do it! Then, after I came to the conclusion, all these guys started getting interested in me, and I had a few dates and nothing very serious, only because i never let it go that way, but I think this is generally the way life happens - murphy's law and all.

 

So my advice to you would be sit back, relax, get to know yourself, think of a million reasons why being single is great, and honestly, relationships take so much work and so much arguing and so much pain, that its good to be single. My father always said that the time will come when you least expect it, but if you are sitting around waiting for it to happen it won't happen.

[FoxLocke]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I wonder, if or when you do feel this way, how do you cope with these feelings of loneliness and hopelessness? Why also do you think these feelings are so common among people like us (as I've looked through numerous profiles of my gay peers on the internet where they describe their fears as "being alone")?

 

I definitely know where you are coming from, Prufrock.

 

Your message reminds me of why I love frequenting this website. It seems like everyone here has had the same experiences and feelings...and Ironically, chatting here has made me feel not so alone(of course it's called enotalone.com...haha)...

 

Anyway, I do get those feelings a lot of the time...but less now than before.

Like you I used to deal with issues of very low self esteem and self worth, which I have been working through...Now I have an even higher opinion of myself since coming out about my homosexual feelings...

 

But I think we--as gay individuals--do have those overly pervasive moments where we think, "Oh my god...is this it for me?"

 

For instance, every member of my immediate family--as far as I know--is straight. All of them are married(except for the ones a little younger than me) and have children. I see them quite often, and, admittedly, it sometimes makes me feel inadequate. I sometimes(it's just sometime now...It used to be ALL the time), in those moments, become a bit lethargic.

 

Sometimes, I find myself overcompensating to make up for that. I find myself trying to be perfect, if that makes any sense? I am a straight A student who tries to do everything the right way, dress the right way, look the right way and etc...And sometimes I think it is me trying to prove how exemplary I am just to show everyone, "Hey, look at me! I am just as wonderful as you are!"

 

Fortunately, As I get older I'm learning how to not let those feelings over take me...Even more fortunately, I am having less and less of those feelings.

 

Growing up as an only child(not technically, seeing as I have four older brothers...But there is a generation gap between us)I learned how to be alone...In some cases I think too well. As I've said before, I am kind of shy and it takes work for me to open up to people and make new friends.

However, I think it kind of works to my advantage...Because I've thought about the possibility of ending up alone. I don't want to, mind you...I still want to find my Prince charming...But if I do end up alone I often wonder, will that make me any less of a person?

My answer to that is no...Because I love myself enough to know that another person will only enhance me, not complete me. I am complete all by myself...

 

Again, I don't want to be alone...But it certainly won't make me suicidal if I do.

[BellaDonna]

I'll get these intense feelings of loneliness and worry about never falling in love, never finding the right guy to spend the rest of my life with, etc. etc

 

 

I understand deeply, whole-heartedly your intense fear of ending up alone. In fact, my greatest fear is dying alone........

 

Those exact words were spoken by a very good friend of mine last night when we went out. She's 24 and just came out of a very bad relationship. She is somehow convinced she will never meet the right person. She thinks she'll "die alone".

 

She is currently in counseling and she said she told her counselor about it too. The counselor is linking these feelings to a combination of her bad luck and also low self-esteem. She now has to work on her self-esteem, and the first thing the counselor made her do is keep a daily journal of self-affrimations in which she has to cite a different reason each day of WHY SHE IS WORTHY OF FINDING LOVE.....

 

Maybe it's worth a try for others too....

 

BellaDonna

[Jinx]

For most part I keep myself as preoccupied as possible, but there are many times I get the mixed bag of feelings. Lonliness, restless, even a tad bit of fear or saddness about the possibility of being alone. Most of the time I do quite well on my own and if I'm alone fine, if I'm with others everything is still okay, I'm quite flexible. Yet, there are times when feelings creep up on me and are extremely strong and I just have to wonder.

 

maybe it's after hanging around my straight crush or my married friends or hearing about a good friend of mine falling in love -- I'll get these intense feelings of loneliness and worry about never falling in love, never finding the right guy to spend the rest of my life with, etc. etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm just the gay best friend, you know? The novelty toy who gives warm hugs and good advice that's never really reciprocated.

Like you've mentioned I've got the times where I'll see friends and family whom are in loving dedicated relationships and that is when it comes up on me. Worse part being, speaking of being just the gay side kick/best friend/acquaintance or however, is that we spend so much time it seems giving advice, comforting others, offering what we can to help but its not returned. As I've mentioned here and there in other posts, I always have people coming to me for advice or just emotional support and I give all I can to them.

 

Yet, when I try to talk to friends about the unrequited love, guessing games, and the rare pain of feeling alone its a bit like - "I'll never be in your shoes so I'm not even going to try." Even the best of friends do this, I don't know if it too is a hint of fear thinking about my situation or they just honestly can't imagine it, but there are times I wish I could get at least an ouce of the pounds of advice I've given, back from them, I'd really just love that once, being human too and all a little comfort would be nice, not much but on that rare occasion when I'm the one needing it.

 

For example, a month or so back I went to a party with this guy I had a crush on and took a picture of him with this girl from one of his classes. I went home that night devastated and thinking that I was going to be the guy who always takes pictures of other people but never have people to take pictures of me with someone I love.

Reminds me a tad bit of a friend of mine whom I had a crush on, the other day I found out she has a boyfriend and I was the Kodak camera woman for the pair. I don't mind it, glad she is happy, but the thing is, I wonder when and if I'll ever find that particular someone.

 

Truly, most us are all pretty young here on the GLBT boards - late teens and early to mid twenties. (Those that haven't been in a standing relationship of one sort or another), that is what gives me hope personally. We still have time, most people my age are still in the partying frenzy and settling down is the last thing in their minds. Of course I know people that are married and thus far happy but most are single and free or they're in a relationship that they're dedicated to but not yet "How about we get married."

 

Actually thats what kind of worries me about establishing a relationship right now anyhow and possibly what keeps the need for a relationship at bay a majority of the time. Most of the women are still in the wild and crazy lets party teens and twenties here, personally I never got that stage down, so I can't really relate with a lot of the women here on that. So I almost would like to think for some of us in similar situations it would actually be a bit better to wait until we find that someone whom is just as interested in life long commitment as we are instead of maybes and what ifs written everywhere during that still living life for all its worth stage. I'm of course not saying to pass up a good person whom shows interest, I speak in very general terms as it applies to us and our unrewarding circumstances of love without return.

 

Now if I'm still writing this sort of thing down the road at 35 or 40 that I can't find someone but keep searching, then I will worry, not doubt. Or at least I'd like to think I'd have some concern over that problem.

 

how do you cope with these feelings of loneliness and hopelessness? Why also do you think these feelings are so common among people like us (as I've looked through numerous profiles of my gay peers on the internet where they describe their fears as "being alone")?

I cope with all I've wrote above. Preoccupy myself, see the benefits of being single for now, and think in a very positive way as it relates to the future and instead of thinking regularly - What if I die alone? - I think along the lines of - When I die, I'll have someone by my side who loves me. Unless they go first, and then I'll be the one at their side. - Positive thought seems to be the best of cures when it comes to such biting feelings.

 

I personally believe the reason for the mass fear is (A) smaller people pool (B) guessing and coming out and even possibly © lack of commitment possibility (as in Gay Marriage and what not in the United States).

 

For point A, I think we relate too often to the straight crowd too. We see all those straight people whom say there is no one for me, I will die alone. Then automatically our brain screams - Ack, if they can't find someone and theres a whole world of all these straight people, what about me? I'm going to die alone. No one loves me. Chances are slim to none that this little itsy bitsy community will produce one whom will fall madly deeply in love with me. Period. - Then we find the fear of being alone in that particular idea.

 

Secondly, one reason the pool and chances seem so small, and we become frustrated is because we go - Is he/she, or is he/she not? - In terms of being a gay man or lesbian. We play around with the idea of a particular individual, we flirt, we find mixed signals, we are rejected or just can't find it in ourselves or ask or we find out later at some point he or she is in a straight relationship. That in itself bashes our hope each time it happens, because the what ifs set in around if the scenario just keeps playing itself out over and over again and we never do find anyone that catches our fancy. Sure there are those that are out but they may not fit our compatibility/standards/morals so it wouldn't work anyways no matter how out and attractive they are.

 

Point C and much less of a problem but still a problem for some is that since in the United States we don't really have any landbreaking legalizations (I realize we have places here and there though) and thus a lot of gay men and lesbians don't seem to have that commitment element in their heads, and its sort of a I can bounce here and there no problem. This isn't a majority of the case then again as I'm sure we've all seen or knew a pair whom once finding the one stayed together for years and years. I knew one pair through a friends friend at one point in time who had been residing together for eight years or more. Thats commitment but a lot of people not matter the orientation seem to think that slip of paper and blot of ink means everything in the world as it applies to this.

 

Anyhow, my rambling is done. I think we'll all just need to keep our chins up and think positive or else the depression of maybes and what ifs will just chip away at the soul until we just assume we're unfit and do end up dying alone not because of a lack of outside attraction, but because we don't love ourselves which is one of the most important aspects before a relationship can ever bloom.

[FoxLocke]

I wonder...

 

does this feeling of loneliness--for gay people--come from the death of the proverbial "Dream?" That whole idea that you have to be married, well off financially, with a couple of kids, a dog, and basically look like a Norman Rockwell painting?

 

I think we've all be taught, on a subconscious level, to value and try and achieve that Ideal...

 

But, honestly, I rather like being alone some of the time...But it would be nice to have someone to share my life and love with. I do want that, and not endless flings and one nighters either...I want to grow old with someone.

[Prufrock06]

Thanks everyone! These responses have been tremendously helpful! It's good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings -- not that I ever suspected I was, but sometimes it's nice to hear from other people who've experienced the same feelings.

 

To answer your question, FoxLocke, I've often wondered too whether it has to do with these whole picture-perfect American Dream. Being an English major, I've always been into analyzing and reading into things -- perhaps too much for my own good. Which probably explains why I spend so much time analyzing my fears about being alone or being excluded from any stereotypical sense of American "happiness." I think there's a lot at work here in the sense that gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people are immediately excluded from this white-picket-fence scenario. Do you remember any Norman Rockwell paintings of two married men or two married women sitting on some 1940s front porch, holding hands and watching the sunset? ;-) Society engrains in us from early childhood (unfarily, before our sexual identities have developed) that the nuclear family/the suburban lifestyle/fill in the blank with any picture-perfect image you want that this is what we need in order to be happy. Sometimes I feel like society "markets" this product in the same way a car company would market a hot new vehicle or a fast food chain would market their latest stomach-boggling sandwhich. But if we can learn to avoid the temptation of these marketing strategies, then we can learn to be happy with what we have or learn to yearn for the things we want instead of the things we're TOLD that we want. If only it were as easy to shrug off societal advertizements of the American Dream as it is to shrug off sugary cereal commercials, haha!

 

At the end of the day, though, I think people like us can acquire our own sense of happiness and cultivate our own dream. Allow me to throw in a literary reference: the message of Voltaire's Candide is to "cultivate your own garden" and I think in a sense this applies to what we're talking about. The dream of two kids, a wife, a car, a dog, a house with a front yard, a 9-5 job with weekends off -- this is all someone else's garden and not our own. Our own gardens involve our homosexuality or bisexuality and so we need to learn to make our own dreams based on who WE are (gay) and not who society ASSUMES we are (straight).

 

I do think it's possible to be gay and live a perfectly happy, successful life that would rival anything Norman Rockwell could paint. When I started to believe that is when I knew for sure that I was coming out. It's just that occasionally, these common fears we all have make me wonder and worry...But I suppose these emotional blips are to be expected from someone who's only recently comes to terms with their sexuality.

[FoxLocke]

You're an English major as well, Profrock?

 

Cool, so am I! Inspite of my numerous grammatical errors(too lazy to go in and edit anything)I really am a competent scribe...heh.

 

 

At the end of the day, though, I think people like us can acquire our own sense of happiness and cultivate our own dream. Allow me to throw in a literary reference: the message of Voltaire's Candide is to "cultivate your own garden" and I think in a sense this applies to what we're talking about. The dream of two kids, a wife, a car, a dog, a house with a front yard, a 9-5 job with weekends off -- this is all someone else's garden and not our own. Our own gardens involve our homosexuality or bisexuality and so we need to learn to make our own dreams based on who WE are (gay) and not who society ASSUMES we are (straight).

 

Very true, and very well put. For so long my idyllic "portrait" did not include anything remotely pertaining to "gay." Perhaps it did if the "gay" we were talking about meant the original definition...

But, as far as my liking other guys goes, that definitely wasn't anywhere in the same dimension...

But now, like you, I've been analyzing my place in this world. For the first time I do see a bright and positive future that doesn't adhere to the "standard" that's been set for every living, breathing, organism.

I can have love, happiness, and success without the: Wife, 2.5 kids, golden retriever, beautiful house, white picket fence, and Ford Range Rover(those use too much gas anyway). The dream didn't die for me, it just changed a little bit.

I don't have to be straight to have a dog, car, house, or true love...I can still have those things, and if I want children adoption or surrogacy are always options.

 

 

I do think it's possible to be gay and live a perfectly happy, successful life that would rival anything Norman Rockwell could paint. When I started to believe that is when I knew for sure that I was coming out. It's just that occasionally, these common fears we all have make me wonder and worry...But I suppose these emotional blips are to be expected from someone who's only recently comes to terms with their sexuality...

 

Touche! I think it happens to everyone, and you don't have to be gay to contend with the pressures of feeling like loneliness will consume you.

 

This reminds me of my huge coming out moment...

 

It was approximately a year ago when my uncle died. We all gathered together to goto his funeral. It was there that I reunited with my cousin(who is about 15 years older than me)for the first time in years. Well, my cousin happens to be gay as well. My uncle is his father(who, even on his deathbed, never accepted his gay son)which is why he came back(he lives in Vancouver now).

To make a long story short he brought his partner to the funeral with him. I don't know what it was about them that touched me, but I felt my heart melt. It was the way that they were around each other. They were so attentive to each other, and both of them seemed so happy and at peace with who they were.

That is when the icy barricade around my heart began to melt. I realized that gay men could be happy, and we not doomed to a life of one night stands, male prostitution, and aids(that was the way I thought a few years ago). I saw two wonderful men who were madly in love with each other.

I really gravitated to both of them, because I felt this energy between us...I can't quite explain it, but it was on that day that I started doing a lot of soul searching...And that ultimately led me to acknowledge my feelings for the first time.

 

So I still hold out hope that I can have what the two of them have.