10 months... we talk sometimes but she never returns my calls

[dstanzler]

I'm not sure if I'm over her or not. There are new girls but still, I miss my ex like hell sometimes. Maybe its because I haven't found someone knew.

 

If you read another post of mine it describes how we had a great time together about a month or two ago. Since then I've called her twice. She doesn't pick up and she doesn't call me back.

 

I don't get it. Why the hell can't she just talk to me as a pal! I left a message telling her to have a wonderful break today and last time. No emmotional stuff: although when we hung out, we spoke of the break up and sex...whatever. I'm confused. Thoughts please.

 

Love,

Dave

[annie24]

Maybe she's not interested in you, and she doesn't want to lead you on, so she doesn't really even want to be "pals" with you.

 

My advice - keep talking to those new girls.

 

good luck

[seekinghappYness]

Dave,

It sounds as if you are not over your ex completely but want them back as a friend. Breakups are VERY hard. I have been through them. So after a breakup the partner may not want to communicate on even a friendship level and it's hard. By not answering the phone when you call or not calling you back it shows a sign of disinterest. But forget it because you did nothing wrong. ^ I'd listen to Annies advice and keep meeting new girls, good luck!

[Mun]

I agree with Annie. She must know that she can't be friends with you and prefers not to have anything to do with you at all than to have to turn you down. I'm sorry, but if she is not answering your calls or returning them then my question is.. why are you still calling?

 

Don't drag your heart on the floor for someone that wants nothing to do with you anymore. You are worth more than that.

 

Continue to move forward, I know it's not easy, but you have no other choice. It takes time to find someone new, just keep going.

[Juha]

Mine says she wants to be friends but does not act like it... It is just for her to feel better after dumping me...

 

Be happy she is doing you a favor...She is showing that she cares about you by not contacting you....

 

It will makes things so much easier with her not contacting you....

 

Good luck

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi Dave. I read in another post that your former love was suffering from depression. This might be another reason why she has not consistantly returned your calls.

 

I have been coping with severe depression this year, an I have isolated myself from my friends and family. I have just recently been making an effort to see some friends and return phone calls, but I still find myself avoiding calls. Earlier this year I wouldn't answer the door if a friend came by.

 

Because I am hurting so much inside, I find it painful to talk to anyone. I feel I want to collapse and dissolve into tears, into the nearest, warmest pair of arms....but since I cannot do that with just anyone, I keep to myself.

 

I know that I might be projecting my own feelings into this response, but I do think that whenever anyone goes through a breakup, there is a natural, lengthy period of mourning that oftentimes involves avoiding people, places and things that stir up sorrow, fear, or longing. Sometimes people become numb and cut off all contact..or else they feel so much that they cannot talk to a former lover.

 

I don't think your ex-sweetheart is intentionally trying to avoid you. She may be preoccupied, sad, or trying her best to sort things out in her life.

 

I am still talking to someone I had dated for two years, and whom I still care for, even though I know it cannot work between us. There have been times this year I have not returned his calls or emails...despite that, he kept calling and emailing me, and eventually, when I was feeling a little better, I would call or write back.

 

Because I was involved in an abusive relationship, I also felt ashamed, and I felt that if I talked to anyone, they would judge me and condemn me. So even though my ex-boyfriend was always so kind and gentle, I still felt afraid of him......

 

I think I am trying to say that there are so many reasons why she may not have called back. But don't feel discouraged. No soul can just instantly forget about a kind person who touched his/her life. I am positive your ex-girlfriend appreciated the love you gave her, and even if she desires to move on completely and not have any contact, this is not any reflection on you or the love and warmth you expressed toward her.

 

My sister is completely opposite of me--when she ended past relationships, she cut off contact almost immediately. This is ho she coped, and I never understood. I can never cut anyone out of my life, especially if they touched my life deeply. I still speak to people from my past from time to time...because we did care for each other, and as friends, we just want to say "hello" and find out how things are.

 

In time, you will be able to feel more at peace with the outcome of your broken relationship. A few days ago, as I was crying so hard in front of my best friend, I was looking for anything to relieve all the pain from this past year. My friend looked me straight in the eye, staright into my soul, and said gently, "When my husband left me, I drove to my father's house, sobbing, weak with pain and fear. He hugged me and told me, 'Honey, I know you have heard this before, but time really does heal all wounds.'" When she said this to me, she said it with such sincerity and feeling, that my soul trembled...I know her words are true...the soul just needs time to mend......

 

I know it seems impossible to wash away the grief, and no one can ever say how long it will take. Like you said, sometimes it does take the spark and joy of a brand new love. And if that is to be your release, then your heart can daily look forward to this. No one ever "replaces" a special love...because each and every love is truly unique, and the memories will always have a protected place in our hearts. But love always seeks to renew itself and give itself again...and in a new prson, there will be new things to love. The little things we fear we will never have again...will come again, because we made them special..we made them happen with our souls. And so there is more to come.

 

I found a fortune in a chinese cookie...."The only rose without a thorn is friendship." If you do maintain a friendship with your former love, then this will be a blessing...because true friends are cherished forever.

 

Everything will be healed and soothed...in time.....No matter what happens...love will always be waiting......

[PocoDiablo]

I'm not sure if I'm over her or not.

I doubt it from what you say...

 

I don't get it. Why the hell can't she just talk to me as a pal! I left a message telling her to have a wonderful break today and last time. No emmotional stuff: although when we hung out, we spoke of the break up and sex...whatever. I'm confused. Thoughts please.

Because you are not a pal. And she does not want a pal. She wants a man who acts mature, who has self-respect and self-confidence as well as self-control, and is actually a challenge. You're acting completely the opposite. It's not attractive to a woman. And this is something you need to THINK about - if what you are doing is not getting results, then you are doing something wrong and you need to try something else. Don't try harder, don't call her more, go the other direction. Try less, back off, give her space.

 

You are trying to force an issue and she knows it. I don't know what you said on the voice mail, but if you said anything other than "Hey, it's Dave, call me back" I can almost guarantee it WAS overly emotional, over the top, and desperate. Women HATE that. Quite frankly, all you need is caller ID. She knows you called. What more does she need to know? Unless you are practicing for writing mushy cards for Hallmark, you should stop leaving her messages.

 

In a word, she thinks you are smothering. Let her go. Let her have a life. If she was interested in being with you one tiny bit she would call you. But she sounds like a woman who has her act together and knows not to call you. If she did it would clearly lead you on and that is not what she wants.

 

There is a point where you have to stop acting like a wounded puppy and stop clinging to her. She is not your mother, she is not going to come back and save you. You have to be a man and pick yourself up, dust yourself off from the fall, and move on.

 

The most important thing here for you to do is to THINK about what you are doing. It's not getting any results, is it? Then doesn't it strike you that you are going about it the wrong way?

 

You need to go read this guide:

 

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Then go watch the movie The Tao of Steve. You're the desperate kid in the movie.

 

Finally, you should go read these articles:

 

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[dstanzler]

That's probably the most desperate attempt to sound masculine that I have ever read. Well today at least.

 

But thank you everyone else.

[PocoDiablo]

Well, if you take a look at a few of my other posts here on the site, you'll see that I was not trying to offend you, just give you a different point of view...

 

Can you give us an update on things?

[novaseeker]

That's probably the most desperate attempt to sound masculine that I have ever read. Well today at least.

 

But thank you everyone else.

I know it sounds harsh advice what he wrote there, but if you try to get past the admittedly harsh language, basically what he said is true.

 

The best way to figure out what is going on is to ignore her as well. Now you may not want to do that because you fear that if you do that you may never speak again, or at least not for a long time. And you don't want that because you're not completely over her, you still love her and so forth. But regardless of that, if she isn't interested in being your love again, and she senses you still have those kinds of feelings, she will stay away from you and ignore you for your own benefit so as not to lead you on. That's actually the responsible way to proceed for her.

 

For you, I would recommend also going to no contact with her and see what happens. Either way it will help you finish healing and getting over her, which it seems you still have to do a bit, and if she never contacts you, so be it ... in that case, there wasn't really a friendship to salvage, it seems to me.

 

As I said in my response in your other thread, not everyone wants to be friends with their exes. A lot of people find that a very painful, trying experience, and once they cross the rubicon from friend to lover, going back from lover to friend can be emotionally very tricky, and isn't appealing for everyone. You can't force it on someone, and for yourself, you also have to question whether friendship is really what you have in mind as well, or if that is what you are telling yourself to cover up an attempt to win her back as a lover.