is he cheating?

[sparklegirl]

I've been married for 10 years. I have a beautiful 10 year old son... love him with all my heart. My husband has always been good to me. My car is always the one that gets the garage space... if I ran out of gas he'd be at the gastation pumping gas for me...

 

if i looked tired and didn't feel like cooking... he said come on lets go out and grab a bite tonight so you don't have to cook. if i was sick he'd bring me medicine and food in bed. All this I thought was love... wouldn't you.

 

The story... starts here. my husband and i both married at a very young age. 18 and 20 respectively. I was pregnant and we did the "right" thing by getting married. We struggled through college and now we both have great jobs.

 

we had our little husband and wife disagreements but we've always made up, said sorry and let by gones be by gones and moved on with our lifes. I didn't know or feel that we were having marital problems until... the story gets complicated from here... but

 

my cousin was having a bachlor party first weekend in october. my husband went and i tag along but stayed at a friends house. the day after the bachlor party he took a girl out. for 3 hours that sunday i could not get a hold of my husband... my gut tells me that something is wrong...when he finally called me he told me that he had gone out to lunch with his brother... then he said my cousin... then he said fine... the truth is I met a stipper last night... we were talking and she's asked me to lunch. I was pissed. "you didn't have to say yes" was my response. I let it go... i was very upset for a long time but learned to let things go only to find out exactly 3 weeks later that... this stripper he supposedly took out to lunch was a girl how he's met over the internet for over three weeks. They've been chatting and talking on the phone for over three weeks!

 

I found a letter shortly after, a love letter. When i confronted him with the letter he said it was for me. He told me that he was planning a get away vacation... he was going to write a love letter because none of the cards in the stores says what he wants to convey. like a dumb * * * i believed him...

 

one day in early november i was surfing the net and came accross his chat room... i was devastated by the things that he said on the site... now the girl, the love letter... everything fell into place like a puzzle. I found out that even though i was very very upset over knowing that he took the first girl out... he continued to see other girls behind my back after that. He lied to me that he was meeting a client... would never answer his phone... I just trusted that he was telling me the truth. Now I don't trust him one lick. he wants that above all... but he has not done anything to gain that trust back.

 

I've confronted him with every piece of evidence that i have. he tells me it's all in my head. he tells me that ever pain I feel, i inflicted on myself. If I hadn't been digging then i'd be fine...

 

we went through some really hard times and still learning to cope with it. he continues to chat on line... targeting mostly girls. He has a secret email account that I know girls email him at... these are certain girls who he has an interest in. He tells me they are just friends...to me he's cheating...

[TiredMan]

I'm curious about something. You say he was good to you and did all of those things. Now did you reciprocate? Would he say that you truly did?

 

But, if he is having an affair, there is definitely no excuse for that no matter how bad it might have been.

 

In terms of is he cheating? if he has had a physical relationship with them, then yes he obviously is. All the chatting is a stretch for emotional cheating but the fact that he IS meeting up with them is pointing to the fact that he is taking it too far. Making friends and chatting is one thing (even if they are women) but meeting up with them and all that, definite no-no, IMO.

[sparklegirl]

he knows that i'm good to him as well. He doesn't the manly stuff and i do the womanly stuff... were both good to eachother in different ways...

 

I told him... i'm fine with him chatting it's okay everyone does it. But he can't build feelings for a girl who he hardly knows... and that's what he's doing. Ever chance he gets he asks to meet the girl...girls now days are so desparate they say yes... urg.. frustrating

[newts]

Hi Sparkle,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. As far as I am concerned he is cheating! I certainly wouldn't want my husband meeting up with strippers for lunch let alone surfing the net to chat to women!

 

My father use to do this to my mother, he use to say it's all in her head and do you know what? It wasn't! She kicked him out, she had 6 kids and had to do it all on her own (what a brave women) she just wasn't interested in his lies and infidelities.

 

Do you know what? he remarried shortly after to a woman who is totally miserable with and he still carries on with this crap! he is 67, what a loser, don't get me wrong, I still love him because he is my dad and he has always been very good to us, however, I will never respect him or any other man like him. Why do they think they can treat the woman they love like this?

 

Your decision, however, if he making you feel bad about yourself and convincing you it's all in your head, give him a wake up call and leave.

 

Once the trust is broken in a relationship it's usually all over.

[WildChild]

Wow, how devestating IMHO, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck...it's a duck. This is not behavior for a married man~ Whether it is chatting, secret accounts, meetings or strippers!

[Hope75]

Why is he disrespecting you like this? And worse, why are you letting him get away with it?

 

I think you have all the evidence you need in front of you to let you know what he's up to. Now, you have to decide if you are going to accept it, or if you are going to let him know that in your marriage YOU are the only woman and if he does not stop contact with all these others, you are leaving him.

 

It's completely unacceptable what he's doing, but as long as you put up with it-- he sees so consequences for his actions, so why should he stop?

 

The only way to get your point accross is to tell him that you will not accept it, and stick to your word. If he does not stop or continues to deny it, follow through and leave him.

 

Your son deserves to have a father who treats his mother with love and respect, and if your husband won't step up to the plate, show your son he has a mother who will not allow such treatment.

[PocoDiablo]

He's cheating.

 

I don't know what state you live in, but in many states adultry is flat illegal. If you have access to all his email, etc., I would contact a lawyer. Don't you think for one second that kissing up to him is going to get anywhere. At this point he's gone, and the longer he spends with strippers the less money he is going to have.

 

If you are going to support your son, you don't want to get a divorce only to have him leave you haning because strippers have cleaned out your bank account. And believe me, strippers WILL take him for a ride -a very expensive one.

[theantibarbie23]

I've confronted him with every piece of evidence that i have. he tells me it's all in my head. he tells me that ever pain I feel, i inflicted on myself. If I hadn't been digging then i'd be fine...

 

The above statement says it all. He knows what he is doing is hurting you and could really care less. He even has the audacity to blame you for what he's doing to you. How dare he make such a rediculous statement!

 

If he's been meeting these women I would not be surprised if he's been having sex with them. You need to put your foot down and tell him if he wants to continue with this marriage he needs to stop talking to these women and do whatever it takes to fix the trust he has violated.

 

If he refuses, or continues to tell you that it's not him, it's all you.... you really need to consider leaving him.

[Relationship Coach]

SG,

The evidence is there before you, what matters is what you believe. In my book he crossed the line by communicating with other women behind your back. Deception is as painful as realizing your marriage and everything that it has survived is now in jeopardy. The chatting grew boring and it had to go to the next level, this is all very common, sad but common. He was looking for something that he wasn't getting whether he was treating you good or not. Whether you were reciprocating or not. It isn't about that, it's about him putting himself before the family.

 

I can only tell you what I think, not what you should do. The question is, do you want to remain in this marriage? What must he do to regain your trust? At this point he has placed himself above the marriage and put the blame on you for his actions, very common once again for the guilty party to do this. He has to admit to his wrong doings, apologize and then make a commitment to make things right. If he is not willing to do this and be sincere about this, take him to the cleaners and leave him with nothing. Then see how fast his stripper girlfriends dump him. Would he be with them if they (the strippers) gained 100 pounds? What makes him think that they would stay with him for one second if he had only a $100 to his name? They'd take the $100 and then leave him.

 

Strippers actually like being the "other woman" because they usually don't want to be too attached and have more control from this vantage point. If the guy dumps his wife, they head for the next married sap(If I'm offending any strippers out there, sorry but I live in Las Vegas and I know the games they play but they do in fact create a great deal of business for me by wrecking lives all around them. If the G-String fits, wear it. Spare me any pathetic attempts at a defense, this thread is about sparklegirl).

Remember you have to make this decision based on what is best for you and your child. Be strong and keep in mind we are here for you, to help you and to support you. He has nothing once you are gone. Best Wishes.

[butterflycloud]

to me it sounds as if he is cheating- even talking to other women behind your back is cheating. I used to have a husband that used to take his wedding ring off when he saw clients- he told me that it increased the chances of a deal- what rubbish!!!!

 

Dont justify his behaviour by saying that he is good to you- for all you know it may be his way of pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

What is most painful is that you probably dont know the whole story behind most of this- Has he slept with anyone else? Even if you asked him he would probably deny it and you wouldnt know any better.

 

He has betrayed your trust- meeting a stripper for lunch!!!

 

His behaviour is unacceptable- right now he has his cake(you) and is eating it( strippers and chatting online)

 

You deserve better- you can confront him and tell him to stop it all but how will you ever know that he really has?

 

I have had married men chat to me online and I have confronted them- they all say that there is nothing to worry about because thier wives wpuld never find out and all of them wanted to meet.

 

Get out of there or tell him that he has to go for marriage counselling to sort this out.

 

But the big question is - Could you ever forgive him??

[AshleiJay]

you know what it is, by the sounds of it this guy is taking you for a ride. You need to turn the tables. Because you are staying with him your letting him get away with it and so he thinks he can get away with it, turn the tables on him. Pack your bags and tell him your leaving with all your evidence. Tou could take him for a right ride. Start your life again , like you said, you have a beautiful 10 year old son your only young and do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life? A married man that takes strippers out for dinner? Think about it logically. He wont know what hit him if you just walk out. I garuntee his world will fall apart, he can have his random girls that he knows nothing about, casual sex whatever, that all comes and goes. But he'll never have his loving family anymore, a loving wife and a stable home and he'll realise hes thrown all that away for the sake of basically being unfaithful. At the minute he thinks he can have both, he needs to realise thats not how a relationship works. And hes obiously an arsehole to do this when he has a child aswell. I know this is problies hurting you like hell and i can't even emagine what your going though, but be strong, you could meet someone new, someone who isnt going to treat you like a doormat and walk all over you, and at the end of the day hes going to be the lonley one because once a cheater always a cheater and no girl is going to put up with that unless there stupid. Let me know what happens and remember be strong and never forgett that the only loser will be him , 'what goes around comes around'

ashlei jay xxxxx

[sparklegirl]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and thank you for understanding everything from my point of view. I've been so confused and lost and alone. I just don't know what is right anymore. I love this man with all my heart and he knows it. I know too that he loves me... perhaps were not in love anymore. I don't know.

 

Could two people not be in love yet has a love bond so strong that they don't want to throw that away? Is there such a thing?

 

I've already tried to leave this man 3 times. Each time I had to fight him and never mad it out the door. he tells my i'm the center of his universe, he tells me he can only see himself growing old with me (no one else). He tells me that he loves me so much that it hurts him to death when I cry...

 

I ask him then why do you do some of the things you do? Why can't you let go of the emails from the girls...Why can't you stop chatting? His response is "i'm not doing anything, i don't know what you're talking about" Urg!!! I'm so confused... does he love me or doesn't he? The question seems to be out of reach for me now...

 

[WildChild]

But how did he explain him sending this chick a pic of his malehood?

[sparklegirl]

But how did he explain him sending this chick a pic of his malehood?

 

i don't know what you mean. What picx...?

[Relationship Coach]

SG,

You are being too kind to him and he sees it as a weakness. It does not matter what he says, it's what he does that tells you where his heart is at. He is at the center of his own lying universe, he is living a lie and trying to convince you other wise.

 

You sound so nice and deserving of a happy life, this is so hard for us on this end seeing what is happening and reading your words, the man does not love you. There I said it. His actions clearly prove this, his denial shows that he has a real problem distinguishing right from wrong.

 

Your son is getting older by the moment and will soon realize, if he hasn't already as to what his father is doing and what you are not doing about it. Your husband needs help whether you stay married to him or not.

 

Your thread should have been...He's cheating, now what. You know it, we all know it and he knows it, he just wont admit to it. I wonder what else he has been doing behind your back. You caught him and he wont give it up, this is a very unhealthy obsession that didn't start recently. Think SG THINK!

[WildChild]

My apologies Sparkle, I was thinking you had come accross photos of himself as well

[Relationship Coach]

WC that was FG not SG! LOL! I've done it before.

[theantibarbie23]

he tells my i'm the center of his universe, he tells me he can only see himself growing old with me (no one else). He tells me that he loves me so much that it hurts him to death when I cry...

 

I ask him then why do you do some of the things you do? Why can't you let go of the emails from the girls...Why can't you stop chatting? His response is "i'm not doing anything, i don't know what you're talking about" Urg!!! I'm so confused... does he love me or doesn't he?

 

I am sorry for all the pain you are going through, I really am. Have you tried sitting him down and asking him to go to couples councilling with you because you are unhappy with the way things are going in your marriage?

 

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants a good wife at home and the excitement of some flings. It seriously disgusts me that he trys to make you to believe you are just being paranoid to get himself off the hook. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

 

If he really loves you, he will agree to therepy if you let him know that you are dead serious about needing the two of you to go for the sake of your own sanity. If he refuses, start packing his bags....

[WildChild]

WC that was FG not SG! LOL! I've done it before.

 

 

[WildChild]

WC that was FG not SG! LOL! I've done it before.

 

Thanks RC~I couldn't figure out why I had that idea in my head. Aaahh, stop the insanity. Anyway, back to the issue at hand.

[sparklegirl]

i know in my heart that he is cheating... i'm sure he knows it too. most of all I am so scared of why lies ahead. Will i make it as a single mother... I've learned to depend on this man for the last 10 years of my life. I've shut out all friends and literally committed my last 10 years to him.

 

What i've always wanted was to be a good wife, a good daughter in law, and a good mother. I didn't care if i had friends. I didn't care if i couldn't go dancing with friends on the weekends. All that didn't matter to me because i had him... and now this... I have bucket fulls of mix feelings. Don't know where to begin... what to do... what to say.

 

I want so much to make this work for the both of us bcuz being with him is all I know. call me stupid... i can't even imagine me with another person really i can't.

 

don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow if he wasn't here... take this. I can't even fall asleep if he's not lying next to me. Am I stupid or what?

[WildChild]

Have you actually taken him by the hand to where his computer is and shown him the proof? I would be dragging him in there kicking and screaming. It's one thing that he is sorry, but another thing to keep denying it. The man has cheated on you plain and simple and now he wants to treat you like you are stupid after all these good years? Don't let him take you there, this is NOT a figment of your imagination.

[WildChild]

But how do you get past this Sparkle? If you take him back, it shows you will tolerate anything and when I say that it's because he is denying it. You have now succumbed yourself to this type of behavior because he can't even admit it....so he isn't going to stop---> 'why fix something if it ain't broke' kinda thing.

[sparklegirl]

Have you actually taken him by the hand to where his computer is and shown him the proof? I would be dragging him in there kicking and screaming. It's one thing that he is sorry, but another thing to keep denying it. The man has cheated on you plain and simple and now he wants to treat you like you are stupid after all these good years? Don't let him take you there, this is NOT a figment of your imagination.

 

I've printed every conversation that I can find from this forum that he joined. The only thing i don't have are emails that girls send to him to his private email. I've already tried hiring a tech person to break the pastword... but because of the security measures that some of these sites have they weren't able to break teh code. I keep trying though in hope that I'll break it...silly huh?

[sparklegirl]

But how do you get past this Sparkle? If you take him back, it shows you will tolerate anything and when I say that it's because he is denying it. You have now succumbed yourself to this type of behavior because he can't even admit it....so he isn't going to stop---> 'why fix something if it ain't broke' kinda thing.

 

i pray every day that god show me a way to deal with it or give me the strength to leave. I know that one day he will answer my prayers. faith and hope and all i'm living by now. I will hurt while i wait for my prayers to be answer but i know that once they're answered i will happier then ever.