stealing/destructfull

[mrsmarvl]

](*,) Hi there everyone its me Mrsmarvl. I have a problem I have a 16 year old daughter, who has issues. Let me give you a little history. She has been on probation for curfew and assault with an egg on other people, at this time she was out of control living with her dad, before that it was the drugs and alcohol seen...etc.... Well per probation she was in couseling for a year and group for anger issues etc... Well she is doing good got off of probation, did everything that the courts told her. To me she still has issues....Stealing from family ( so far its us that I know of, but Im not stupid either). She has taken my daughters car payment, her boyfriends wallet,she has taken my daughters boyfriends daytimer w/ credit cards /pictures and a personalized bible, didnt do anything with the cards in it, but totally ddestroyed the bible!....(SHe did that to mine years ago when she was younger) Now we all know in the family that she is the one, and im sure she has stolen from the store b-4 but hasnt got caught yet. To many things she has, supposedly came from friends. So we all keep things locked up, but how do you confront this with out rage ? because there will be rage, there will be yelling etc... All the trouble I have had with this child of mine , confrontation has never been a problem. But this time Im stuck. I need some advise

[Mrocza]

Have you thought of getting her therapy? I'm just guessing, but did she get some therapy after her incident with the law?

 

She just sounds like an angry kid...but also very troubled. If or When you decide to approach her, don't accuse her or even bring it up, but rather tell her how you feel about her distance from the other family members, how her behavious is affecting others, how people are worried about her and care about her. Ask her if there's anything you can do. Don't make it seem like an attack on her because she might lash out again.

[Relationship Coach]

MM,

It sounds like she enjoys negative attention and loves to test you on what you are willing to tolerate. Did this behavior start around the time of your divorce? She may very well be attempting to punish you and your ex for taking away from her what she thought was once a normal life and family. Her actions certainly warrant some very strict action. Counseling may help but I would be more incline to suggest something more aggressive, soon she will be 18 and her crimes wont go away as easily. Do they have boot camps for teens in your area?

[make_up_your_mind]

You need to do something fast. She has problems. You need to send her to a psychiatrist or something before so that she can repent for her sins. Destroying a bible...it's bad news for your daughter. Get her fixed up before she dies or she will suffer eternally. God have mercy.

[theantibarbie23]

I hate to say this but I really don't think therepy once or twice a week even, is going to be helpful for your child. She sounds like she needs an intensive thereputic environment that can root out the cause and help her deal with her issues. There are schools in every state for children with emotional/behavioral issues, talk to your school's principal and ask to have a ppt. The state will pay for the schooling if it's deemed appropriate for her. She should also be going for therepy outside of school at least twice a week to start with, or maybe an after school day hospital program which would be daily. There is other more drastic options like sending her to a residental program (for behavioral problem children) or even some sort of boot camp if there is one of those available in your state. Talk to your child's school councelor, see what information she can give you on some programs that are available to you. Good luck!

[DN]

Let her know that you love her but that you will not tolerate her behaviour. Set rules and boundaries and insist that she follow them. Do not allow yourself to be provoked - always keep calm. But be firm and clear about what you expect from her.

[theantibarbie23]

She may be impossible, intolerable and dangerous but like any child, she needs love too.

 

I'm sorry about what happened to your friend but when children are a danger to themselves or others, sometimes you HAVE to consider tough love when other options have run out. Some children need serious intervention like a group home situation. Sure it's not the right solution for everyone, but it's helpful for some kids.

[WildChild]

I know where I live they have homes for children causing parents grief like this. It is a place where they can go and have structured counseling, curfews, rules etc... until they can function within the home. Some kids are there for weeks, and some for just a few days. Sometimes it is a place for the kids when a cooling down time is needed between them and the parents.

[Relationship Coach]

I think the term boot camp is misunderstood by someone here. Sending an out of control to a boot camp is not about seclusion or not being a loving parent. Boot camp serves several purposes for both the family and the teen. When a teen is sent to boot camp the parents/family has a chance to regroup and focus on fixing the damage left behind and ready themselves for the teens return. The teen will learn self respect and to respect others. The teen will be broken down away from family members and given a chance to vent and then learn new ways to vent in a positive fashion. These boot camps for the most part are very successful and are required to have highly trained staff. Making the choice to send a teen to boot camp is all about love. Some may not agree with me but tough love tactics such as this are the last resort, save the child or lose the family.

[WildChild]

Some may not agree with me but tough love tactics such as this are the last resort, save the child or lose the family.

 

I couldn't agree more with the tough love thing. Although it is never what a parent wants to have to resort to, it's sometimes the only way to knock sense into kids. I was watching a Dale Earnhart, Jr. (NASCAR) interview and he was giving his parents grief in his early teen years. They sent him to military school to shape him up and he said himself had they not done that, he probably would have been a kid in a lot of trouble growing up. Yes he came from a home with money, but aside from all of that he still was a teen raising cane with his parents and they did the tough love thing. He said it taught him a lot and he thanks his parents for doing so.

[Relationship Coach]

WC,

Very valid point. I was going to mention Dale Jr. but since you did I will elaborate a little more. The type of unruly behavior that MM is dealing with is without prejudice to a family of any social or economic class. I have worked with a couple of former childhood actors who had it all when they were 10, fame, fortune, family and health. Well I'm sure that most of you have heard the stories. Families split up over differences of opinion on career decisions, mismanagement of funds, the child becomes rebellious because he or she was given too much power and then loses it. Drugs and criminal behavior often follow as a cry for help and attention. This story happens in similar fashion in regular families as well.

 

Once a child is given too much and becomes spoiled, the child becomes bigger than the family unit. The child feels their power over the family and takes over. Just like there are rehabilitation clinics for those with substance addictions there are group homes and boot camps for those with a lack of substance issues. What are they lacking? Respect and having to learn that their unacceptable behavior will not be tolerated and they are the cause of their own actions. Behavior modification is the only way to create change in their belief system and follow up after care is used to support their families as well. These programs have a higher success rate for rehabilitation than prison which without help may be their next stop if they are not helped.

[WildChild]

RC~ Exactly. Class, wealth and economics may be what people will jump to right away to say they are just spoiled rich kids i.e. Dale Jr., but none of that matters when it comes to the crisis the family is going through. His parents obviously didn't care if he came from wealth or not, he was still being an unruly youth. Maybe not everyone can afford military schools or boot camps, but there are programs like the homes I mentioned where a neutral third party intervenes and shapes these kids up. I hope for MMs sake she can find the avenues of support she needs.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm with you WC and I hope she understands that we will be here to offer our support throughout her crisis.

[mrsmarvl]

RC

Well she didnt come from money thats for sure! And she doesnt do drugs and alcohol anymore. Its the stealing from her own family and destroying what is not hers. Like writing all over things that are not hers. She was around 8 when we divorced and it was bad there dad stalke us, kidnapped her for 3months didnt know where she was. he puts her on a guilt trip if and when he calls. i tell her i am proud of her all the time for coming this far and straihtening herself out, but i dont think its enough for her. she is the youngest. And i really do not believe in bootcamps, my step daughter is in one , but she was really bad! So the state put her there. here are alot of issues in our household if anyone cares to listen I can tell it from the beginning.

[Relationship Coach]

MM,

We are all ears, the more you tell us, the more we can help.

[WildChild]

MM,

We are all ears, the more you tell us, the more we can help.

 

Ditto here, start typing MM

[mrsmarvl]

Here it goes. I was married for 27 yrs. he was 40 I was 19..I know...I know.... The first 3 years were ok ,I found out he had a bad temper etc....well with 17 yrs of abuse (physical and mental, firearms involved etc..) and 4 great children later, I took my last beating and ended up in jail for 24 hrs for fighting back. i finally got the nuts to say see ya! Very bad divorce! Ex kidnapped my youngest ,2months didnt know where they were, (the one im having problems with now), she was abotu 8,then. He did alot of mental abuse to the kids during the D, some snapped out of it with counseling ,but not the youngest, it was his baby, but he used her to get to me, it was bad! She was the pawn for him. Well then I met a man down the road, who excepted me and my children while still going through all the crap with ex. We were home less, he helped , I was working 2 jobs but wasnt enough to even get by. Well we are married now have a good life. he has kids, they dont particurlally like us, the have add, adhd, one is in a military bootcamp the other does nothing but cause fights between his dad and I, because when i say no to something ( and I tell my husband(his dad about it) he goes crying to dad about it and gets it anyway. So of course thats not good. But its not like that with my kids, but Im sure this has wear and tare on the relationship my kids and their step dad has built , because his 2 kids go back and forth between there dad and there mom. And step dad is afraid to piss the son off or he will go back to mom again. My husbands kids have burned alot of bridges in our household unit over the last 8 years! Physical and mentally abusive. Maybe there is so much attention on the stepson that the others are being ignored , not meaning to be that way of course. I could go on and on! And then you throw the ex in to t, it just ends up being a mess. My husband wont even ask his son to leave the room so we can talk as adults.(he is 15). My step son tells me Im the one who starts the fights with his dad and me! He stands at my bedroom door and listens to us when we have a spat about him or anyone else. Maybe my daughter is doing this for attention? My kids see more than I do, they tell there stepdad but he doesnt do anyting! But if he went to his dad somethingwould be done about it. We used to be a family unit, it never used to be double standard like it is now. My youngest has been threw alot. Im sure im leaving stuff out.

[Relationship Coach]

MM,

Just to clarify, the 15 year old is your step-son and the 16 year old is your daughter? I almost need a roster of who belongs to who.

 

I strongly feel that the 15 year old has manipulated his father, whether your husband is guilt-ridden is another story. There is no benefit to having your step-son officiating an adult discussion, even if it is about him. Parenting regardless if it is with natural children or step-children requires a unified effort from the two of you. You need to talk to your husband alone and express how the family unit is being divided by the lack of respect you are being given. There is so much more to say but I'm still a little confused. I've pasted an article that might help you, I know everything does not directly apply to you but others may read this and benefit from it as well.

Dealing with step children

 

Here are some tips for relieving some of the tension to fulfill your new step role.

 

 

 

 

In the 1970's, America watched as The Brady Bunch homogenized two families into a perfectly blended home, as if nothing in the world was unusual about their circumstances. In half hour sequences, these bell-bottomed step siblings resolved benign disputes of jealousy, bad manners, and mindless pranks as if they were counting on viewers to forget their origins. America bought it, romanticizing their uniqueness.

 

Today, there is nothing unique about combined families, the numbers having risen dramatically in the last thirty years. Kids with stepparents are often labeled as "his, hers or ours." The rise in combined families has opened our collective eyes to just how fictitious The Brady Bunch truly was. Problems that can be solved in thirty minutes aren't problems at all, and stepmothers are seldom embraced from the beginning as "our mom" by teenage boys. In the beginning, liking each other may very well take a backseat to learning how to overcome power struggles and tolerate each other.

 

The dynamics of step families differs with each personality. Clashes are inevitable. Most of these conflicts are rooted in insecurity, brought on by uncertainty. Kids coming into a combined family are most often those who have endured either a divorce between their natural parents or the death of a parent. Their emotional senses have been brought to new heights. The foundation they once held as stable and solid is gone, and life is no longer routine.

 

Stepparents often find themselves the brunt of these kids' frustrations and fears. This is uncharted water for everyone, so the adults end up playing their role without the advantage of experience. Be reassured, you are not alone. Millions of people are desperately trying to find their footing in this new position. Here are a few tips that will help you keep things in perspective:

 

Don't push. Kids can sense a public relations job a mile away. Let them draw closer at their own pace.

 

Be yourself. Trying to change yourself to suit every situation will wear you out physically and emotionally, and it offers only temporary solutions, at best.

 

Be realistic. Life is rarely like a sit-com. Some differences simply are not "fixable," and everyone must learn to make allowances. Identify and respect their boundaries, and expect them to do likewise.

 

Don't accept manipulation. Yes, even "good" kids are professionals at the art of manipulation. Don't overreact, but be sure they know you are aware of what's going on.

 

Depend on spousal cooperation. Together, you and your partner must address the issues, agree on a few simple ground rules, and agree to count on each other for support. Keep those areas where you disagree between yourselves and work on them privately.

 

Be consistent. Build as much certainty into your family life as possible. Details such as dinner time, bed time, homework checks, etc., help kids adjust much easier. Schedules help to establish stability, a factor that can have a huge influence on behavior and attitude.

There are no secrets for creating the harmonious structure from a '70s sit-com. But, time, communication and mutual respect bring some wonderful and often unexpected rewards to the combined family. You may be surprised to find you've gained a new friend from the experience.

 

 

 

 

Let me think about a few things and I'll post more later.

[WildChild]

It's very unfortunate that you do not have the support you need from your husband. It doesn't sound like you have anyone to stand behind you or support you in decisions. He doesn't want to make waves with his children out of his own fears, but they know that they can walk all over him and get away with it especially since he doesn't back you up i.e. 15 yr old listening to your conversations. They will not show any respect because he doesn't demand it!

 

I believe you may be right that your youngest daughter is seeking attention. Bad attention is better than no attention as they say. Is there anything that you two can do as mother/daughter that she would like to do? Even if it's one night a week. She may be resistant at first but if you show your patience and persistence she will more than likely come around. Start out small, even if it's going for a drive or whatever you may think might peek her interest. Don't let her "blackmail" you i.e. "well if you love me you will buy me this" kind of thing, but do something fun or of her interest. I would suggest not talking to her about her behavior during the times you are doing these things, but do always reaffirm to her that no matter what you love her. Even if it's as she is getting out of the car or whatever. Make a point each week to spend time with her alone even if it's at home.

 

With the books and articles I have read, kids want rules and guidelines. They want parents/guardians/teachers to put limits on them even if they say they don't.

 

I think there is hope for you. I believe though she needs to feel her individuality with you and not always just as part of the whole. IMHO.

[lovecrazy]

As far as the 15 year old goes, he has his father wrapped around his finger.

 

The father needs to put his foot down, the 15 year old knows he get away with things.

 

As far as your daughter, sometimes tough love is the only way to go!

 

I work in the Law Enforcement field, and sometimes with teenagers, maybe you do need to show here, what life would be like if she did get into trouble.

 

I would try and just talk to her!

 

And counseling might help, if it helped with her drinking and problem with drugs it might help with this. Cause it sounds like she does have some problems. I am not a Dr. so i can really say much about the situation!

Good luck, please keep us posted!

[mrsmarvl]

Thank you ss,so, much all of you! The Idea about doing something with her once a week is a good idea, Im going to try that. Her case at the counselars office is still open,I will get her back into that. AND for the 15 year old we fight about it all the time this weekend was one of them. He was grounded for bad grades,as I said before. Friday stepson got home at 1100 from school didnt decide to do his laundry until 600 pm. Well he wanted to go spend the weekend with his buddy.....well he calls his dad snd of course its a go ...he can stay (even though he is grounded) takes his clothes out of the dryer,( not all the way dry) shoves them in the dresser WET! And leaves. My daughter calls her stepdad and tells him what he did, stepdad says its not your problem dont worry about it. Well my daughter took them out rewash them and dryed them, because she said "mom", it will make the whole dresser smell like mold b-4 the weekend is up! So my daughter told stepdad about what she did, she was upset because he didnt say thank you. And he is still at the buddys house ,and everyone is picking up his chores. Even though he is grounded?

[DN]

He should not be let off being grounded like that because then what's the point about being grounded.

 

But is it really appropriate to punish a kid for bad grades? I am not sure that that is the best approach to getting an improvement in schoolwork.

[mrsmarvl]

Dn ,

He isnt being punished, he has had tv taken away and being with his friends, because when he comes home at night(and he knows no tv until hw is done) and the first thing he does is the tv goes on, and when you ask him if he had hw, its "no". But what I have done that he does not know of is I have contacted all of his teachers and they will mail me his hw everyday or for the week and I will know what he has and he wont know that I know. He lies alot about alot of things. Do you have any suggestions, I mean he doesnt even do his chores half the time, I say something to him ,when I get home at night and then he does it. The problem with my husbands children are the fact #1 neither one liked the fact that he remarried and neither one likes me because I have rules in my house ,#2 There mom and dad have let them call the shots about everything since THEY divorced. And the moms spouse has the same problem I do. They have called child protective services on me. They told the teachers in school that I tied them to the bed no food or water. That I beat them, these 2 are 15 and 16. Both have been diagnosed with add/adhd/mood disorders ,behavioral disorders, now the stepdaughter is in military bootcamp in arkansas, per the courts. And I have tried to tell my husband that you cant baby him, he needs structure and routine, discipline, but some times Im beating my head against the wall. But I cant get any help from him, (support ) when it comes to mine. And when we got married we were a family unit, it was US who made decisions, we promised that we would never let the kids come between us , but I feel he is letting that happen?

[Relationship Coach]

MM,

Sorry to see the step-son is still causing problems. What your husband is doing is counter productive and he is making the situation worse. It is time to see an MFT and get the team back in teamwork. This problem is not going to go away for another 3 years if you know what I mean. Can you last 3 more years with this defiance and double standard? Demand MTF counseling as an ultimatum. It sounds like your daughter is doing better. Maybe seeing you stressed over the step-son has helped her to see that you need her help. Reward the daughter for being good and helping. Be firm with your husband and remind him of the promise to be unified in your parenting.

 

RC

[DN]

I have to disagree with the last post. I think it is a mistake in almost any marital situation to 'demand' anything or to 'be firm' with a partner in this sort of situation. The key to a good relationship is negotiation and compromise - and sometimes that applies to children as well.