Need Help Superdave Or Anyone!!! New To This Post.

[thebeginning]

i have to start by explaining that i did everything you said not to do superdave! i wish i would have found ths site two months ago. anyway, i was with my bf/husband(i'll explain in a minute) 2 1/2 years and he finally had it. when we met we were inseperable...he is from another country and was here visiting and possibly thinking about staying.

 

well, eventually after 6 weeks we decided it would be better to marry ( I KNOW...I KNOW...STUPID) so that he could stay here instead of going through the drama of LD and sponsors....etc... i knew it was for the papers but we also knew we loved each other. well, as time went on i began to get very jealous (he's absolutley gorgeous), moody, and downright * * * * *y because he wasn't trying to look for a job to help support us. i was working and supporting us and all he would do is sit at home an psychoanalyze me and my moods. this was his first time in the US so he didn't have any friends and never tried to make any..so i was everything.

 

i tried to understand his situation; missing his family, friends, country and not having any motivation to do anything. but i couldn't hide my feelings and it showed through my mood swings. well, fast forward to a few months ago he was going to move out and get his own place and he had started making new friends and i got even more pissed because he still wasn't help me out. all he said was "it doesn't matter how much money i make or if i had a job or how much you make we just don't get along and you will always be moody and * * * * *y". i do agree that i was moody but i still loved him and still do.

 

well, he finally set a date to move out and one day after our many arguments and fights i checked his email (yes i know very psycho..but i knew he was hiding something) and saw that he had had sex with a girl he had met three months ago and it was DETAILED! i confronted him and we went at it. anyway, after i calmed down he told me he was done with our realtionship months ago and he has tried EVERYTHING imaginable to make it work. but he wanted to keep his things in my place until he moved. i agreed like and idiot and eventually i couldn't take it anymore and started packing his things in my car and leaving it on HER front door....(wrong thing to do i know SD)...and another horrible thing i did was hanging up the phone when he was talking with his mother because he was ignoring me. he will never let me forget...never.

 

we will go through with the divorce and he will be able to stay in the country...i'm glad for that but he moved his things out 3 weeks ago and we have been speaking but arguing when we do. he says this girl is a good friend who undertsands his situation. she allowed him to stay at her place until he moved into his new place. he says he's not in a relationship and gets very angry when i bring her up. i'm still angry. i said a lot of things i regret and i blame myself for everthing. i really love this person and want to make it work. he's on his own now and the time apart is doing us both good. i've had NC for 4 days but it's really hard because i did and said some really crazy and hurtful things.

 

sorry so long. i know he misses me but ....maybe he doesn't. he says i hurt him too much and treated him badly. what do i do?

[Relationship Coach]

TB,

First thing you need to do is get this guy off of the pedestal you put him on. From the way you tell the story here, you are the victim, not him! Your marriage to him could have been premeditated for immigration purposes. They say love is blind and you may have been blinded to his real intension's. Your gut instincts were right, you snooped and you found out who he really was yet you still love him? He cheated on you at least once that you know of, sponged off of you and failed to contribute anything to the marriage accept for criticism. It's a shame he gets to stay in your country where ever that may be, he should be sent home to the place that drove him in to your arms in the first place.

 

I'm sorry for being so harsh but this guy does not deserve you.

[thebeginning]

Wow!!!! thank you. you wer not being harsh i appreciate it. there's so much more but i don't want to bore you with the details. i believe he didn't come here to get married...i just threw out the option to him. anyway, before i started to get annoyed with him not working i thought he was a great boyfriend. but i guess it's easy to be a great boyfriend (ie: cook, clean,talk, spend time etc..)when you don't have to do anything besides that. it's funny because he thinks he's the victim because of ME??!!!

 

he won't try and contact me..i know. i gave him way too much control over me and what i thought about myself and it's time to take it back!! this site really helps put things into perspective.

 

one question though: why do i still want him?

[thebeginning]

i forgot to add throughout the demise of our relationship he always said to me that he gave me soooo many chances to change and become a better person towards him and that no man would stay around as long as he has. the more i write about it the angrier i get. the thing is i am not a victim. i take full responsibility for my part...FULL. he told me i didn't make him feel like a man...what a thing to say to someone you supposedly love and care about!

 

i've been driving my self crazy believing everything he said to me for so long that i now REALLY think that about myself. so sad. that's why i decided the NC. i was making a complete fool out of myself begging, being mean, saying nasty things, crying anything you name it.

[newts]

he told me i didn't make him feel like a man...what a thing to say to someone you supposedly love and care about!

 

Sorry TB, He isn't a man, so why should he feel like one? Any man who allows their wife to support them and not even try to fit into their new environment doesn't deserve to be treated any other way.

 

This man is a manipulator, don't listen to him, he is trying to put full blame and responsibilty of the demise of your relationship onto you. It takes two people trying as hard as they can to make a relationship work.

 

I think you fulfilled your obligations as a wife, friend and lover. I think he added nothing!

 

You will miss him and want him back, you love him, you can't help the way you feel, however, as time goes on and when you are ready to meet someone else you will realise how bad for you this man was.

 

You seem like a decent person and you need to start believing you are worth so much more.

 

Good luck with your healing.

[thebeginning]

thanks newts...it's just really hard to believe someone would go through that much trouble to manipulate someone. anyway, everyone told me to watch out but i didn't listen. i still don't fully believe this is actually happening. we spent EVERYDAY together from when we met...i def. don't recommend that. yes, we're from different cultures but even so i can't use that as an excuse anymore. thanks a lot for your feedback it really helps.

[newts]

TB,

 

Trouble, he hasn't gone to any trouble, He was lucky to find such a loving beautiful lady that would put up with Sh@@@t!!

 

Manipulation, isn't hard for a true manipulator, I believe he has gone to no trouble or put himself out. If he truly wanted this to be ther perfect marriage he would have done it the right way and that would have been to get a sponsorship with work so there would be no added strain to your relationship.

 

When you are getting all that you want provided it's easy to manipulate the one that loves you more than they love themselves.

 

Be strong TB, and remember the lack of effort he put into your relationship. I can't wait until (when the time it right) you meet an amazing man that will make you feel, loved, happy, respected and secure.

[Relationship Coach]

TB,I have some thoughts on this, can I PM you later?

[thebeginning]

OF COURSE...i don't know what PM means...new to the sight: ...but please respond. anything is helpful.

[newts]

PM means private message.

[thebeginning]

just saw your profile. i'm 34 as well. that's the part i'm having a hard time with too. i'm 34 and i am already divorced!! anyway, today is an exceptionally hard day for me. i can't stop thinking and feeling sad. relationship coach says its normal but i don't feel very normal.

[newts]

don't worry, I was divorced at 30 years of age. I would rather be divorced and happy, than married and still unhappy.

 

Just hang in there, it's gets easier. The problem I had when I got divorced was my hubby was a wonderful man, he did everything for me, I just lost respect for him as he didn't feel as though he had to work because I earned enough for the 2 of us. Now that's not the type of guy I want to be married to.

[thebeginning]

me either. that's how it was with us. when we met i was making enough for both of us and then some. but once i the checks stopped coming in (i'm an actor) and i began to feel depressed about work (many ups & downs in this business) he wouldn't pick up the weight. he did everything for me too except be there when i truley needed him to be.

[newts]

Now we can both move on to bigger and better things.

 

Lets make sure if we get married again that they have a JOB! And give us more than what they think is support. I just think my husband was lazy and I contributed to that by letting him get away with it.

[thebeginning]

exactly...i did the same. that's why i blame myself for most of it. mine was lazy too. everybody told me and i all i did was stick up for him using the same old excuses. how long ago was your breakup?

[newts]

Ex husband? 4 years ago, I am just so happy now. I made my decision to leave and have never looked back, ever!

 

If he ever calls I ignore him. He still sickens me to this day.

[thebeginning]

how long did it take after you left for you to stop missing him? i know it's kind of a silly question but i was just curious.

[newts]

I didn't miss him, as far as I was concerned it was over when I made the decision. Not oneday after I booted him out the door did I miss him, feel sorry for him or want anything to do with him ever again.

 

I suppose my separation was different because I knew I couldn't go on another day with him in my life.

 

I did feel sorry for him for a few months and I felt very cold for being able to shut somebody out of my life immediately after spending 8 years with them. I am certainly not proud of this, i just didn't want it anymore.

[thebeginning]

i just broke NC...and i feel like a complete loser. i went by his house and he didn't want to see me. he said to email him. so i left a note on his car asking to talk. WHAT WAS I THINKING???? I FEEL TOTALLY STUPID NOW. i need help badly.