Is She Too Unstable?

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Hi All,

 

I have a concern regarding my relationship with my girlfriend of two months. In the past few weeks, the fun that we once had when we got together is slowly diminishing. I don't know if the honeymoon phase is ending earlier than usual or if it's a warning sign of what's to come. Let me explain:

 

Lately, my GF is getting quite depressed due to many factors that include her past as well as her present situation (career, goals, money, etc). When she gets like that, she is very easily provoked and there have been many instances where I will be trying to comfort her in one way or another and she'll blow up at me because I didn't handle it the way she wanted me to. This leads to very unpleasant time spent with her and it is starting to make me nervous/dreadful about making plans to see her again. In other words, I'm not sure if I'm going to get the fun-loving girl that I really enjoy spending time with or the frustrated girl who tends to cause turmoil in the relationship. To give her credit, she always apologizes for her "ultra-sensitivity" and tries to make it better again, but how many times is that going to work?

 

I'm just scared of the fact that this stuff is already happening and we've only been seeing each other two months.

 

I don't want to hang on to the relationship if this continues, but is it too unrealistic to think that she'll get better and we can enjoy each other again? Or are all the signs there indicating that this relationship has run its course?

[Jinx]

I think this depends one on your level of patience and to the extent which it occurs, and if it is a periodic or constant issue. Also one question being, when you say she is becoming depressed, is she diagnosed as having a Depression Disorder or anything of that nature? That in itself can make a major difference.

 

I once dated a man whom had Bipolar Disorder and the beginning of our relationship was fine, he was a decent person with minor ups and downs (as possible with the medication and what not). Then after the novelty wore off, so did his medication and control schedule so to speak. He became extremely unpredictable and what not, which was a very unpleasant situation overall. After almost three years there was no more, but it did much earlier than that for several factors.

 

My point being, do you have the ability to cope if she does indeed have depression. Do you believe you can work with her being okay half the time and different seeming the other half. Depending on the specific reasons for why this attitude change came about, she may need to see someone about it before she causes not only you, but herself problems. This may indeed be the true her coming out after the honeymoon phase has came and went and thus there is less need for emotional boundries.

[Day_Walker]

You have to decide what her actions mean and what you are able to handle. Our decisions arent perfect but if you feel that she isnt the same girl that you want to spend time with then it would seem that the relationship has run its course. On the other hand she could be going through a rough moment, its hard to say but since you deal with her often you have to decide that if her hyper-sensitive side bothers you then that should be a signal. I would wait and see how things are a little more down the line and then make your judgement.

[WildChild]

To give her credit, she always apologizes for her "ultra-sensitivity" and tries to make it better again, but how many times is that going to work? quote]

 

That is the question you need to ask yourself, how long is that going to work for you? I don't know if it is some much of a question about the stress she is going through...it is hard to be happy go lucky all of the time when you have huge life factors in your face everyday, but moreso the question of her reaction to YOU because you don't comfort her right??!!! That is my concern....what is it that you are not doing right in her eyes?

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Well, as far as what I'm doing wrong, they differ each time she gets upset. But it usually boils down to I give her advice that differs from what she wanted to hear. But when I mention something that goes along with what she's thinking, she loves it.

 

The bottom line, however, is how upset she gets. I mean we all make mistakes and we all give advice when we should listen, and we all listen when we should give advice sometimes. The point is not that I screw up on that level, but how upset she gets when I do. But it's always clear that my intention is good, and she knows this, yet she gets so angry.

 

One day she says I'm distant (the days I choose to just listen to her problems) and the next day when I try and take a more active part in her problems, she gets frustated at me. That instability and unpredictability is what worries me.

[WildChild]

You just answered the way I was afraid you would Down, it's not about the problems, it is her instability and reactions to you that concern me. Life is not always going to agree with us, nor are people. For her to do this to you as her bf is not right or playing fair. I don't think this is a good sign, and you are being sent red flags of what is to come. Take heed!

[Down-In-A-Hole]

I was afraid of that too

[WildChild]

A person hates to jump to conclusions so soon, but I don't know what would be worse for you or anyone. Seeing this type of behavior right off the bat, or having you hook, line and sinker months down the road when these true colors come out

[Down-In-A-Hole]

I definitely agree. I've also been prone to staying in relationships too long despite the red flags, and suffering for it down the line when the breakup happens. I'm trying to avoid that this time. And thanks to the great advice from everyone on enotalone boards, I can make more educated decisions.

[WildChild]

Good luck!

[DN]

Have you tried talking to her about this but not immediately after an 'episode'? Maybe you can explain why it bothers you and she can explain why she is like that.

 

Communication is key - but that is best done when feelings are not running high.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

DN:

 

Yes, she actually talked to me about it after the 2nd time it happened. She said she felt really bad and that she has just been ultra-sensitive due to the stresses she is having. It has happened again a few times since the talk, so maybe it's my turn to bring it up and let her know that I'm concerned.

 

I wish I knew if this was just temporary or not, though. From the things I've gathered about her past, however, indicates that she's generally depressed and this isn't a one time thing.

[DN]

When you say depressed do you mean generally 'down' or is she actually clinically depressed. Is she seeing a therapist about it?

[Down-In-A-Hole]

She has been trying various therapists lately. They tell her the same things and they sense that she is very unhappy. She has not stuck with any one therapist long enough to be diagnosed with depression.

 

With her jumping around from one therapist to another and with her general unhappiness with the way I try to console her, I'm starting to think that she's looking in all the wrong places to find happiness (i.e. everywhere but inside herself). If she has the expectation that someone else is going to make her happy then it's no wonder she's frustrated all the time.

[DN]

Yes, exactly right. Maybe you should talk to her about that.

 

If someone has problems you may decide to cut them some slack - but you also have to look out for your own well-being. You don't owe this girl a relationship if you would rather be out of it because of the way she is.

[WildChild]

Or could it be with the therapists as it is with you: she doesn't like what they have to say and that's why she jumps from one to another because with them, she can't really flip out or they would probably "institutionalize" her Kidding of course but I would bet the farm it's because she can't find anyone or convince anyone to look at it in her point of view.