I've Brought This On Myself

[tillgii]

I hear you m8. With my X there is no hope what so ever as its down to family and to her, family means more to her then life.

 

The thing with me is im not a person who likes to date girls, I always kept myself away from that sort. I mean I would flirt and joke around but nothing ever serious. She was a enemy at the beginning (in a sense that we didnt get along). Then we became friends, then close friends, then finally best friends.

 

At this point my mate who fancied her ended up going out with her because of me. I kind of hooked them up together and only then I realised I loved her. She had feelings for me too but carried on her relationship.

 

In the end they broke up, her decission. Me and her hadnt spoken for over 5 months because I thought she was a lier about personal events that occurred and because we was so close and while she was going out with my friend I kind of traced her to expose her. In the end the truth came out about her liking me. This finished the friendship of me and my friend.

 

She told my friend at the time I fancied her but she owuldnt go out with me, even if I was the last person on earth.

Lool then 5 months later we started talking again and I told her she need help as she lied about some major stuff. She just took it on and this got me more curious to why she accepting all this.

 

In the end me and her got close again and thats how we started going out.

The first 3 months with her - she was all over me, texting me, claling me etc

At night times we would talk on the phone for hours and she would tell me dont gett oo close as she will end up hurting me - she tends to mess up her relationships - either by getting bored or just connection issues.

 

She repeated that to me for the first 4 months fo the relationship.

After 4 months she never did again, infact she talked about marriage and how happy she was and why I didnt get with her sooner instead of letting her be with my former friend.

 

So after this long journey of how we got together, how it was never planned and why my love for her was so strong. She gave up on it all because she rather make her family happy and marry from their choice and keep in mind I made her health worse cause it cause her depression lieing to her family etc

 

I dont know if thats the truth why she borke up with me, I was madly in love with her till the final day. Sure I was over protective at times and over caring at times, but she moulded me into that person because of how delecat she would behave.

 

Not once in our relationship we had a real argument, there were many times I should of been strict due to her ways but I always was a forgiving person when it came to her because she told me she had so much depression in her life (mother dieing).

 

Only after we split up I found out that was a lie and just her being immature as she wanted attention.

 

I still forgave her as she told me without myself bringing anything up and now after this long journey we have hardly communicated in 1 month. 1 year 6 months we spent so much time talking and in a flash its all taken away.

[tillgii]

Update - So yesterday evening I texted her asking her to call me or text me after 9. Straight away she replied asking why wassup.

 

I replied telling her I want to have a propper conversation with you, I just thought of the past and it made me laugh and though me and you can have a laugh also.

 

She didnt reply nor call back. Around 2am I received a call on my new cell which only 4 people have. Out of the 4 I dont know who called, by the time I got to it they hung up.

 

At around 12pm I texted her asking if she was the one who called me at night but no reply.

 

All through today uptil this moment all I could think of is her. Im really missing her as we speak.

[healinginnyc81]

till, man I'm sorry. She's probably too scared of how she'll feel if she talks to you. I mean I'm sure she remembers how close you were and how much you could talk to each other and she's probably scared to get into mode again.

 

I know how much you must miss her. I had the same kind of connection where I would talk to my ex for hours just about every day we were together for 2.5 years. I thought I was getting better but yesterday I saw a picture of her on link removed and I was so close to just breaking down, the longing and the missing all those emotions just rushed over me. I'm sure you feel the same - how could all that we had just disappear like that? It just makes me want to rip myself in two. Sorry, I'm just venting. back to you:

 

Maybe you can give her a week and see if she'll talk to you then. I don't know if that will work, but I really hope you feel better. Of course as everybody says it's better to just not talk to her at all and worry about your own healing, but I know how tough it is when you have something you really want to say to them. keep us updated. Good luck.

[tillgii]

bkjsun - hey mate I really appreciate your replies and im glad we kind of share similar situations and if it helps please do most on this thread about yourself as well.

I went out this evening not out of choice but it really helped, im feeling much more relaxed and composed now.

 

Your right about giving her a week to contact me, im going to contact her right now and see if she answers. If not I will give it a week and see if she contacts me.

 

She replied to my text with just one word 'nope', as to whether she called me or not last night.

 

Im feeling better now, I think its because Ive been at home for 4 days in a row that its getting to me.

 

Hope your feeling better mate.

[tillgii]

As expected she canceled my call but seriously im feeling ok.

Lesson learnt, if you feeling down just go out and force yourself to do somthing that involves other people in an busy environment.

 

Update - 3 hours later she texted me saying 'sorry for canceling your call, brother was there. Gudnite. x'.

[tillgii]

Just woke up. Last night was good, didnt really think of the X that much. Still ended up going to sleep at 3am but when I woke up had minimum thought of X and it didnt get me down.

I think the reason why even after 3 months why im finding it hard is that I don't trust her in many ways because of her lieing. I never once admitted that to her and she was aware to an extent but I always forgave her or tried to find the truth from the lies.

 

If I can try and not think shes lieing to me now, it should help.

[healinginnyc81]

tillgii, it's good to hear that you feel better. I'm sure you're making a lot of progress because everytime you recover from a down you're getting stronger.

When you say you find it hard to get over her because of her lieing what do you mean?

[healinginnyc81]

I have been down for three weeks now just dreaming of getting back with the ex. I haven't been focusing on getting myself stronger and moving on.

 

I am so tired of being depressed and hanging on to this hope of getting back with my ex gf when I know she's out there flirting with other guys and having fun and doesn't want to be back with me. I want to realize that I am wasting my time and i want to be angry at her for giving up on me. I want to prove that I can be strong and confident and fun, but I don't want to do it for her, I want to do it for myself. It's so tough to accept with my heart that I can't have her back though; my head has accepted it.

I really think the only thing I can do now is really try to believe that there is someone better for me. Actually what I did to help convince myself of that, I went on link removed and spent about 2 hours answering all these questions about my personality and values. Then i searched for matches in my area and there were 2 girls in my age range and in my city that according to their personality match were highly compatible with me. and the website says their standards for matching are very strict. I deleted my account after that because I'm not actually ready to start dating, but it helped me to start believing that there can be someone else for me.

Unfortunately, my heart still belongs to my ex. How can i let it go on like this though when I know she's out finding other guys? I know she doesn't appreciate what we had, I need to really figure out what kinds of things I enjoy doing and start doing them. It's not fair that she has moved on and I haven't. I just don't want to get too impatient and start trying to do things just to impress her.

tillgii and anyone else, I just wanted to share my thoughts. Feel free to comment or advise.

Thanks.

[tillgii]

What I meant is - She used to lie about her health (exagerate), exagerate on her family situations and act depressed even if she really wasnt. To a degree I knew she was lieing but I would stand by her and try to understand her. I made sure she wouldnt know but she would change herself for the better and acknowledge that im helping her become a better person. She did become better to an extent and she told some truth but in the process gave me up.

[tillgii]

bkjsun - I Know what your saying. All them thoughts just keep going through yur head. I lost over a stone in 2 months because I kept thinking too much.

I only started to improve 2 weeks ago and that was down to friends. Talking to them about her or other things and just generally doing other things. Like playing a sport. I think thats your step.

 

I firstly started off by talking to friends on the phone, but that didnt really improve my thinking as much. In the end I just went out one day and continued it for 2-3 days, finally that did help.

 

I advise the same to you.

[healinginnyc81]

thanks till for answering

I was wondering why her lieing would make it hard to get over her because it seems like you have more reason to be angry with her and see that you can do better, but i understand what you mean about having believed in her and helped her and then her not appreciating it.

 

We both need to let loose and have more fun right now, we've spent enough time grieving. I'm not going to repress my emotions or anything, if I feel sad I'll let myself be sad, but I'm going to also put myself in situations where I might have fun and see how it goes.

[tillgii]

Update - 12:40am X calls and we speak for 30mins. She shows no emotions at all, just yes or no answers and some answers where she made a sentence. She said shes moved into her own house. I dunno if shes telling the truth but she said its her house for marriage. I asked so you found some one and she said no im leaving that to family :s

She didnt hardly ask me any questions, I asked all and that was about it. She hasnt moved on from me it seems or she just doing this for pass time and to show that she isnt all cold hearted.

 

I tried remembering her of a funny moment but she seems lifeless.

Im sure its just with me but what can I do.

[tillgii]

Update - New Years Eve I gave her a call and asked if I could call her later as I was out near to the time of new years day. She said why is it important? I said no, just a normal chat. She said she might be going out with her friends, so she doesnt know.

I said ok ill try and if not its ok.

 

I was out until 12:45 and when I got home I decided to give her a call but she didnt bother picking up.

Then 5mins later I got a text that she forwarded to every one - hey every one, justwanted to say happy new year and hope you have a great one, I know I will! Its been a great year thanx to you lot. Hope we share many more! Loadsa Love

 

I felt like talking to her as I remember last year we spent the whole night together talking through new years and now the connection we once had on her side is totaly gone. She can only answer yes or no and not have a conversation with me hardly at all.

 

I would understand if she told me she didnt love me anymore and that she lost what ever we once had, but shes only told me that her family are down to this and her health.

She told me she will always love me and to her I was a dream, now I just dunno what to believe.

[tillgii]

Update - I received a text from the x last night that she had mass forwarded to all her mates on her phone just to say 'happy new year etc'.

 

I replied this morning asking her what she got up to. She told me she went out with some mates to have a meal and then watch the fireworks. She asked the same about me. I told her what I did and then asked her about her new years resolutions.

Her reply was 'Forget the past and start of fresh'.

 

How can I look at that? Does she mean forget all the lies and heart break or forget we ever existed?

 

Either way I know not to look at it any more then that as what ever happens its not for me to decide or for me to look for.

[tillgii]

Update - Well I cracked yesterday. Contacted the x. I needed to talk to her as I was going through a rough patch with family and she the only 1 who knew how I could be feeling as she went through it all the time before and after we started to go out.

 

I contacted her on thursday (text) asking to text or call me when she was free as it was important. She texted back asking what is it to do with. I told her me. She text back asking to call her.

I did so and I asked if she could talk if she wasnt busy. She asked if it was to do with heath or major problem. I said no just give me a call when your free pls.

She said her family was about so she would do when she got time.

 

She didnt bother calling or texting that day or night.

Yesterday (Friday). I ended up calling her on the way back from hospital. She said she was able to chat, I firstly tried to understand why she just doesnt bother with me no more, so I let it out and asked her. She said shes busy and that I always think too much. It became kind of long and she said im pissing her off as this is the 2nd time ive asked her. I told her well ive been quiet for over a month and youve just become more distant even with my efforts of being a friend. She said shes just busy and doesnt know what to say to me anymore and doesnt know how to handle me as I will gt the wrong idea. In the end it became intense and I let even more out then I firstly should of by saying how she always said I made her feel special and would leave a mark on her life for ever yet shes moved on and just dont care about making as much of an effort.

She blamed me for not letting go then I said I have let go, we live 2 hours apart as it is, its just I needed some one to talk to and your the only one who shared the same experiences but now I dunno what to believe. Mayb you didnt mean the stuff you said.

At that point she got angry and just said mayb we shouldnt be friends and hung up on me.

 

I went home and a little later I texted her to ask her if she really meant she didnt want to b friends?

She didnt reply, so I text back apologising for calling her a lier but to try and understand me.

She replied as just no.

I asked if she saying no to friendship or no to understanding me.

She said replied as im happy the way things are, its up to you to accept them or not.

 

I then asked her 'as a friend' - if you had no one to turn to (no family or friends that will understand) and the only person who does, doesnt want to know. What would you do?

She replied as I would deal with it on my own and confide in myself.

 

At that point it showed me how weak I had really become and how she turned out to the be totaly the opposite person I once Loved.

 

She doesnt feel the need to care no more or have anything to do with me.

Yes the relationship is over, but I would of expected her to still care.

I mean a person who done everything to keep this person from going astray, to help her through her darkest/hardest moments and she doesnt feel she needs to show some of that back.

While in the relationship she didnt bother to show how much she cared for me in a sense of trying to find out if I was ok. She showed effection and she told me she loved me but not once cared about my well being.

I accepted that as she had events happening weekly in her life, so I would be picking up her pieces to try and mend her and keep her happy. Even through all the neglection and mood swings aimed at me I kept together to make sure she would end up with a smile.

 

I dont ask her to repay a debt or anything but I just dont understand why she only feels the need to contact me to see if my health is well or if I have a problem in my life. Apart from that she should not take an interest no more.

 

I wish I could never of made this mistake in my life.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey till, I just wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean. My ex was the only one I could ever open up to about stuff. Throughout our relationship she had turned to me for comfort but then when I was going through a crisis she dumped me.

 

I also broke and called her on wednesday b/c I just had no one to talk to and I told her that. She said the same thing: that she is learning to depend on herself and that I needed to do the same. It hurt so much b/c she was basically saying I was being weak to look for help even though she had always looked to me for help. She made it sound like we had never been in love and that we were just emotionally dependent on each other and now I'm thinking maybe she's right, I'm so confused about it.

 

As hard as it is, I have to admit that she doesn't owe me anything either and that I do need to look within myself for the strength to move on. If I need someone to talk to, I'm going to have to get a therapist b/c she is trying to move on and she just sees me as being a needy child when I call her.

 

You and me both, I don't think should try to be friends with the ex's. We have to wait, I don't know, maybe up to a year to be sure that the ex's have gotten past their negative view of us and to be sure that we have forgiven and forgotten the feelings of betrayal or whatever we may feel. We also have to become strong enough that we don't feel the need to have them as a friend. That's going to be the hardest thing for me.

 

Maybe i'm wrong but that's the only reasonable thing I could come up with.