I've Brought This On Myself

[tillgii]

Today would have been 1 year with my X.

We broke up around 3 months ago and uptill the last 2 weeks we kind of remained close on the phone.

Since the 2 weeks she said shes been too busy and too tired to talk to me.

 

Anyway today was 1 year so I decide to call her, she answers and I spoke to her. She had nothing to say apart from yes or no answers. So I told her why cant you speak to me like a friend or anything and in the end she said shes moved on from me and is totaly over me.

It hurt hearing it but I took on my chin and said that fyne but I still would like to remain friends she said she always will be my friend and to call her if I ever need to talk to her bout anything.

 

I kind of still attached but its only been the build up to the what would of been 1 year thats really hitting the spot.

 

The reason why ive become so clingy is she was girl that was very needy.

Before we dated we were friends for almost 7months. Then because of lies from her regarding her dad the friendship was lost as we became closer.

In the end we didnt talk for 5 months and then when we did we ended up going out once the 'confusion' was covered.

 

In the relationship since day 1 she had issues regarding family neglection, bad stalking x's and general depression.

70% of the relationship she would be upset with one thing or the other and I stood by her everyday. Her issues were even to do with her real mum dieing which in the end I found out was a lie.

Her way of attention seeking (before we went out).

 

So from December till June we had many small arguments but I never ever once stopped supporting her. I used to listen to her hours on the phone tell me her problems and as I felt sad as well and I loved her I made sure I was there and when she pushed me away and told me she didnt love me or didnt want to be with me. At first I said fine dont go out with me, be my friend but in the end within hours or max a day she would tell me she didnt mean it and she loved me and the only reason she would do all this is because of the hard times she was going through.

 

She wanted my help so I made sure when she neglected me she tried to talk to me. It took until June to get the break through and it was great. I went for a holiday at the end of June and she called me every day while abroad and it costed her over $250.

 

I was so happy that finnally shes beign true with me and we are getting somewhere.

When I got back in July from the holiday I met her up (long distance) and at first she was distant with me but we ended up having a time we wouldnt forget.

 

July/August went by and she said she loved me more then anything and was willing to leave her family for me, which not once I said leave them for me I said stick by them and work things with them.

 

Anyway August was the last time we met.

2 days before we met I went and bought her a mini ipod as she wanted one. I met her and again she was so distant with me at first.

After a phone call from her friend she apologised and said the reason she ws behaving this way was because shes feeling guilty as she lied to her family about us (they dont know).

We then went to the cinema and she didnt hold my hand or anything. Upon telling her I ha da headache she gave me a head massage and then put her leg on my lap.

 

We went to starbucks after the movie and I asked her why she behaved like this. She told me its not her but im worrying too much and that you are not going to loose me.

Then few minutes later she said I cant leave you so I want you to break it off with me.

 

I was shocked and tried to make her change her mind but she didnt so I said I was leaving.

She came with me and ended up paying for the ipod and then told me we will always remain best friends and gave me a hug.

 

So shes clearly over me but it hurts so much that after what I did for her she was able to move on so easily.

 

Im really hurting and even after all the lies and pain shes caused me, I am still talking to her and would forgive her.

 

How do I end all this?

I've tried no contatc and I couldnt bare it. I think shes doing no contact with me now and its worked for her.

[chaos]

No offense, but this girl sounds like she's got some serious issues and is in NO WAY prepared for a relationship of any kind. It sucks that you had to get hurt in the process. No Contact, all the way. If she's doing it too that'll make it much easier. Sounds to me like you are a good guy and will be MUCH better off without this girl filling your life with unnecessary drama. It's hard to see now, but I bet once you get over her you'll be thankful she's gone.

[acuraman]

The reason why you still stay in contact with her is because you obviously still care for her, even though things didn't work out between the two of you. The two of you have created a strong bond while together, and regardless of the outcome, that bond remains in with you.

 

The truth is no matter what you do to try to avoid her, you will fail until either one of you find some new.

[DJ_QUALLS]

Same situation. my ex had lots of emotional skeletons in her closet . She had DEEP issues with family neglection, abusive ex's and depression as well. That right there my friend is the answer to your problems. As why she is the way she is and why she is cold to you. She has no emotions because she is incapable . She is so burned out on her emotional issues from the past she is emotionally dead as a doorknob. Thats whe she can lead you on and brake up with you without cracking any sign of emotion. Instead of being in a realtionship she should seek counseling, get help, fix or find the solution to her problem, then seek a realtionship. You ( like i was ) were the victim of what happenes when people have emotional issues in there past that they havent dealt with. ( family , ex's and maybe childhood issues) . People like her destroy innocent people in there path with out blinking an eye because they need help and don't know how to love.

My advice is to move on and know your not the one to blame and find someone that can give in return . But , look out for waring signs . No one is perfect but if someone has issues they havent dealt with , it's not good beecause you are thoe one end up being affected by it. And dont feel offended she moved on so quick, she propably is doing you a favor.Remember, "what goes around comes around ".

[tillgii]

Thanx for replies.

 

Last night I ended up going to sleep at 2:30am. For the past 1 week because of how the x was acting, I thought there was somthing wrong with her. I didnt expect her to be so cold to me. Every other time she became distant and started saying weird things on the internet normally 99% of the time suggested somthing was wrong.

 

She also told me months back that december was a month that she will act very weird and to forgive her when she does. So this also made me very worried about her.

 

The fact is for the past 1 months or so ive been having problems with my health. I've had breathing problems and this effecting my pattern of my day. Some days I would be fine and some days I would feel very depressed.

 

Now with all this just happened I can structure myself no more at the moment. Im ending up going to sleep at 2-3am and wakeing up around 8am then falling in and out of sleep till around 11-12.

 

Because of my health and the lonliness (living alone) I feel so down and limited in what to do. I have friends out there but the ones that I can talk to and are on the same wavelength are living far away to me.

 

When I spoke to my X yesterday I told her, I dont know whats going on with me but I just feel the erge to talk to some one and that person is you. She told me to talk to m other friends, but having said I dont feel comfortable talking to them, She told me I need a girl in my life.

 

I feel totaly lost as she was my 1st ever tru love. I grew up as an only child and found it hard finding my identity as I grew up. In a sense my x helped me find that identity and from all the past problems that were all bottled up, she was the first person ever I spoke to them about and it really did help me.

 

I never once made out to have a problem even if I did just to make sure I keep her happy and not worried, where as when she did she would make it out to be so big by avoiding me and acting like theres no help.

 

I was getting better but I dont know whats come over me, mayb I wasnt over her just kept hoping it would get better and then last few days when the 1 year mark came it really made me see that she doesnt care hardly about me.

 

Just was going through all the enteries I made while we was going out and split up. I always said I would send them to her on the 1year mark. Do you guys think I still should?

[tillgii]

Update -

Last 2 days I was feelign depressed but I forced myself to go out with a friend. We went to the city and went for a meal. After the meal I was kind of feeling low again and I suggested we leave to make our ways home. My friend told me to have a few games at an arcade before we went and as it was hes b/day the next day I agreed.

We went and when we got there we had a few games on some machines and he suggested to play some pool. In the end we ended up staying for around 2-3 hours and I enjoyed myself.

 

That night I got home and yeah I did think about my x but I was totaly fine with it.

 

Next day kind of felt down since waking up and the day was kind of empty again. Again I forced myself to go watch a movie with my friend and we had a good time again.

When I got home I was just watch some tv and at around 12:30 my X texted me on my mobile saying - Hey. Hope ur ok. Gudnite x

 

I didnt text back and im feeling ok today, just last 5 nights my sleep pattern is messed up.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey till, I'm in almost the exact same situation. I was dating my X for two years and everything was great. She had a lot of emotional issues with her dad leaving the family. She was unable to reveal herself to her family and her moving a lot meant not being able to keep up with friendships and also issues of not connecting with friends. I had similar experiences of family and lack of friendships and we bonded on that. At first I still had friends and went out with them but the only two friends that she hung out with had a falling out with her and so she was lonely and I stood by her all the way. She had many periods of stress and mild depression and I was always there for her to the point that I isolated most of my friends. In the last six months she began taking my advice and reaching out to people and making friends and she also has a better relationship with her family.

Meanwhile I became depressed b/c I had lost so many friends and I'm really bad at making new ones. So she decides that we're not good for each other anymore and broke it off with me a week and a half ago (12/7/05).

I still love her - she was my first true love as well - but she has not tried to contact me at all since the break up and she is having all kinds of fun with her friends while I'm still depressed.

 

I feel so used and betrayed, but I think I just have to accept that she had issues that she dealt with and now she's a more confident person and even though I helped her get there she doesn't have an obligation to love me b/c of it. She used to say I was her soulmate but she doesn't think so anymore. Love isn't logical, it has to be felt by both people and as much as it sucks no matter how much love you show for someone they may not return the love.

 

I think you and I both need to believe that there are other people that will connect with us in similar or better ways than the X. We have to accept that although we did help them out, it doesn't mean that we should be in a relationship with them.

I am not going to contact her for at least one year (I'm taking it one day at a time). I don't think I can be "just friends" I will let her come back to me if she ends up realizing that she made a mistake, or I will take my time to heal and build my self esteem back up to start making good friends again.

[healinginnyc81]

Also, I didn't mention that she thought about breaking up and talked with her sister about it for two months before she told me anything was wrong. That's why she was able to move on so easily b/c she had been preparing for two months. I don't know if that's the case for your X.

[tillgii]

Also, I didn't mention that she thought about breaking up and talked with her sister about it for two months before she told me anything was wrong. That's why she was able to move on so easily b/c she had been preparing for two months. I don't know if that's the case for your X.

 

Thanx for the reply and yeah your spot on. According to her she was planning it for ages or was in 2 minds. The thing that got to me the most was on the day one minute she said she wasnt leaving me then 5mins later she asked me to break it off as she couldnt.

 

Then after that we kept in contact and she got close to me over the phone and then again it was her who broke it off as she felt things will keep esculating.

 

Its been 3 days now since I have spoken to my x in any way, shes texted me and I dont think I will text back until tuesday (according to her, her step mums death annviversary). Heres the funny thing, until November she always told me her real mum was dead and she lived with a step mum (attention seeking) and the time she told me she cried on the phone and she called herself a * * * * *.

 

I dont know if she has a step mum but I made a note ages ago of the date she told me it was her real mums death anniversary.

 

I guess its all the lies and stuff thats gotten to me but hey last 3 days ive been fighting it and so far so good.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm glad to hear you've been fighting it. For me the first three days were just hell. I didn't want to do anything and I just felt devastated. Since then there's been days I feel more optimistic about myself and days when I sink back into depression. I think if you expect to slip back and forth but every time to recover faster, it is easier to deal with it.

Another thing thats been getting to me lately is that a couple weeks ago she told me that she couldn't imagine being with anyone else. God, I think every other day I get so depressed even when I'm around my friends and I just keep picturing all the good times.

But I read that it's good to realize that everything has good times and bad times even "perfect relationships" So it helps to not focus too much on either the good or the bad but to believe that there will be good times to come without the X.

Don't be afraid to be sad sometimes, it's going to get better.

[tillgii]

Update - Gave in to text not cause I missed the x or felt depressed but because i felt bad not texting back.

Basically my x asked my friend if she had spoken to me today and she told her she did yesterday when I went cinema. So the face I didnt texted back made her worried and felt I should just text back saying im ok, how r u?

 

Dont know if I done the right thing but she aint replied and I dont expect her to.

[healinginnyc81]

I think if you feel it was okay to give her a polite answer, then you should.

I think it's okay though to not respond if you feel you need more time to make sure you won't bring back old feeings for her.

[tillgii]

So far so good, I said hi to her on msn and she replied and asked how I was. I asked what she was up to and she said searching for a movie. Kind of left it as that and then there wasnt any more replies.

 

Im starting to realise why I felt so messed up and I think my cure is getting out. As I also dedicated myself to my x more then anything and sacrificed my friends and hobbies for her.

Im just gonna try get out more often and hopefully turn it into a regular routine.

[healinginnyc81]

I feel exactly the same way. I spent so much time with her that I turned away most of my friends. So I need to do the same thing and start doing the things I really enjoy doing and start meeting people I like to be around.

 

I really think that will help in rebuilding our own selves, making good friends and realizing that we can be very happy without the X.

[tillgii]

Last night I came online for like 30mins and the x was on. As usual I made the first contact just to see how she was. She said she was fine and asked how I was.

I asked her what she was up to and said she was chatting to a friend and saying bye to a friends (that we both know) as the friend is going away in 2 days. I asked out of curiosity why are you telling her bye now when shes leaving in 2 days. She said as I wont be on tomorrow or for a long while.

I didnt ask why just said ok.

I then said ok and she said ' u luk afta yaself ye n remeba im around if u eva need to chat bout NETIN'

My reply to that was 'ok thanx n u 2'.

I woke up this morning thinking about her but not so much that I feel really down. I do think about her allot everyday and im planning to call her tomorrow as tomorrow would of been around 6 years of the death of her step mum.

[healinginnyc81]

It's good to hear that you don't get yourself down thinking about her. I still get depressed every day when I think about my ex. I've actually taken her name off my phone and my aol instant messenger so I don't contact her. I'm going to let her contact me when she's had enough time apart. But I'm also still unable to let go of the hope that she will come back to me.

Have you already decided that you're over her or are you contacting her hoping to start a relationship again?

[tillgii]

I am not over her but I know for a fact we will never be together and if there was a chance there will always be my suspicion of her, as she lied to me allot in the relationship but I always gave a blind eye towards it.

She was my soul mate but I gave way more love then I received and although I could talk to her about anything and everything I have to realise she choose to finish it with me even after all the things she said. She went off her promises to finish it off with me and she lied in the process of it.

 

I can and would of laid down my life for her just to keep her happy and the real thing is she needed me to keep her secure and thats what kept her love alive. I gave in to her demands and was never strict or nasty on her. I was too nice and apologetic to her. I lost the manly touch, from comforting her soo much and making sure she stays happy. I really need to find that side back, as she was my first love I entered all this with no expectations but I know now if I ever do, it will be very difficult.

Right now I can talk to some gals but because of the X I dont flirt back or nothing. Where as while she was in the relationship she would flirt as a joke with her close guy friends.

 

I will never know if she was right for me as there were so many lies that I dont know what is the truth any more. Ive learnt I probably will never know and the sooner I get that in my head the better.

 

One thing is for sure and that is last few days I aint getting as depressed, so hopefully this is a start

[healinginnyc81]

You're so right. I lost my inner strength from spending so much time trying to keep my ex happy and always being there for her. I realize now that a relationship like that isn't right b/c both people have to be happy themselves and not rely on each other for security. I do believe that two people can make each other happier than they would be by themselves but they shouldn't depend on each other for happiness.

 

I'm going to have trouble entering another relationship for a while but it's more important for me regain the self confidence I had and to be happy on my own.

 

I'm happy for you that you aren't getting as depressed, keep it up!

[tillgii]

Update - Just called the X up and had a 15min convo based on general things. I clearly think I am getting close to getting over her, I mean I still care hence I called but the clingyness and the big attachment has more or less gone. Before I called I was hesitateing whether or not to call for like 15mins lol

I was thinking I dont really have anything to say but once I spoke we did kind of talk.

Its slowly happened but NC does work to an extent but its all to do with the mind. You think about stuff less and keep it yourself busy and naturally you will move on.

[tillgii]

Yesterday I called the X up as I needed her brothers discount number to purchase a phone. She didnt answer so I called a couple of times. She sent a text saying 'Im with my brother ffs'.

I texted back saying 'ok call me when your free'.

 

She called me like 2 hours later and straight away she said 'whats up?' I told her about the phone and discount I needed for my friend, she said I cant get it for you friend but I will do it for you. Then she said she will call me later as she was going to her other bothers house (which is based on the other side of the country).

 

Heres where all the pain came in and made me feel like im back at square one. My friends who both my x and I know, called me up.

There was this guy on msn whos known for flirting with girls and playing them about. She some how got my X's list and she called him once. WhenI asked her if she was in contact with him, she said yeah he gave me hes number and I called him once but not to worry as he doesnt have myne (this was like 2 months back).

Now my friend tells me that guy called her up and said my X has been calling her up now and again even though she has told me and my friend shes been too busy to keep in contact with anyone.

 

I know I should care who she talks to or what she does, but she told me the reason she couldnt be was me was down to family and health reasons and if these 2 issues werent there she would be more then willingly to be with me.

The fact shes open herself up with this guy really hurts, last night I had a dream about her and her games which effected me when I woke up.

 

I am not feeling as bad as I was when starting to write this, but it really does hurt that shes been lieing to me and shes treated me as an X who treated her like * * * *.

[tillgii]

Ok feel like im getting back to square one. This morning I woke up with questions about why the X broke up with me. I woke up early once again and twice in a row I started off the day by thinking of her and how she isnt feeling nothing and just moved on so easily. The day went okish and now its evening I feel a bit lost again. I feel like I want to talk to her yet I know she has nothing to say to me no more. We ended terms because we didnt fall out of love but according to her was family and health issues.

 

If that was the case why still after 1 month of harldy talking, she gives me the cold shoulder 99% of the time.

Last night I texted her cause there was a movie me and her both liked on TV, she texted back saying 'thanx babe x'.

 

This morning I had a reminder as it was her brothers b/day, so I texted her just saying happy b/day for her bro, didnt get no rpely back. She came on msn and didnt message me so I asked her how her bro was and she said yeah hes fine. Then she goes im going to tidy up. When she returned she didnt say nothing so I asked if she was finished and she said no.

I said ok thats fine ill talk to you later. She didnt reply and 3mins later just went offline.

 

Im really confused why she acts like this with me, shes told me shes over me yet she gives me the cold shoulder most of the time but then theres odd moments where she will be nice.

[healinginnyc81]

till, I can't really explain why she does this. I have been getting the same thing over the last three weeks. She sometimes responded to texts, sometimes didn't. When I walked by her, she avoided looking at me. Then I talked to her and she acted nice but said there was no hope for us getting back together. I think NC really is the only way to get her to realize that you aren't there waiting for her. I think we need to let our ex's know that we are moving on without them, then they won't see us as needy guys just waiting for them to come back but rather as independent.

 

I've also been waking up early all this past week, dreaming about my ex and wondering why she didn't try to work things out. I have to believe that it will pass eventually, I just let it get me down for a little bit and then get up and get on with my day. I'm expecting it to take at least a few months before I can go through a whole day without really missing her.

[tillgii]

bkjsun - your totaly right.

 

I just had the x texting me to call her. So I called her up and she said I thought I call you up because you have been trying to call for the past few days. I said oh ok and we tried having a normal convo she asked me what was new which I replied as 'hardly anything'.

 

Then I had to go as I had so stomach problem but I called her back later but she said she going to sleep as theres nothing to talk about. So I let her be and said bye

 

The fact she cant hold a conversation with me, what does that say?

[tillgii]

Update - The day started with a phone call from my friend telling me it was snowing. I only had around 6 hours sleep, so after an hour I went back to sleep. Didnt dream or think about the x until I woke up again. The day went from one minute feeling really down then I had some urges to get up and do things but I didnt really manage to.

In the end I watched some tv and read some magazine but was soon distracted by some friends who came over. I spoke to them for around 30mins and then when I came back I lost the motivation. I called a friend up who is in the kind situation but she is not over her x for over 10 months even though she has a guy mate who she is really fond of.

Then I came on the net and was feeling down and I havnt managed to eat propperly today so I just ended up getting up and going out for a drive.

It was a 1 hour drive, drove to some places where there was allot of snow and with the Christmas Lights and all, it all looked really nice.

 

I dont know whether or not its down to my lack of sleep thats causing me to feel down and think of the X or what ...?

 

I still feel the X loves me even though she is hasnt said that and even though she can hardly chat to me, I have hunch that she does.

She told me shes over me, but then why cant she hold a conversation and why when I text her some times she replies and soemtimes she doesnt.

I dunno

[healinginnyc81]

I think it's a great sign that you're getting up and doing other things and actually enjoying them even if only for a little while. That's where I'm trying to be. I'm enjoying some tv shows but I still think of the ex a lot. For me thinking or dreaming about the ex is what's causing lack of sleep. But I'm starting to at least be able to fall back asleep after waking up early dreaming of the ex.

Don't concern yourself with your ex's actions or intentions. Don't read into them because you're just delaying your ability to move on. She hasn't moved on either but neither of you is in condition to start the relationship again. You need to be stronger and happier with yourself before you can do that.

 

I talked to the ex a couple days ago and I wanted to ask what actually happened between us. She gave me more reasons why she just felt the relationship had died. But then she said that she likes to think we can work it out in like a year. I just said "I hope so too but if nothing else I would like for us to be friends." That has really set me back in terms of progress because it told me that she still had some feelings for me but if she wants to wait that long then is it really worth it for me to keep up hope?

I really think that I have to really be wiling to move on, get strong and start dating other girls. Otherwise, I will just be keeping myself holding on to possibly false hope and I won't actually be getting stronger.

 

I think that approach would be good for you too. Don't expect to get back with her. let her tell you that she wants you back, not the other way around. Let her know also that you are moving on and that you aren't just hanging around waiting for her.