Starting over?

[Goalie Girl]

First off, just want to apologize in advance for what will probably be a long and convulted explanation of the compex relationship between my ex and I.

 

The backstory We met my freshman year of college (there's about a 3.5 year age difference between us), where we were both on the ice hockey team. He got my e-mail from the team list and contacted me after my first practice, asking if I wanted to go out sometime. I said no at first, but we began talking and eventually hanging out every day, and I found myself falling for him. In January (we met in October), he ends up having to change schools and move home to SoCal (we went to UC Davis together), and just after that I finally decided I wanted to give a relationship a chance (bad timing I know). We ended up dating for 7 happy months, but broke up because even though he still loved me, he could no longer handle the long distance stuff. I was devastated and missed him immensely, while he threw himself into any dating/sleeping around he could find. We had a rocky relationship after that, went through several short periods of no-contact, but one or the other of us would always break it and come back. We'd fight a lot, mainly over me being jealous about him dating or him being jealous about the thought of me dating, even though I wasn't), but there were also periods where we got along. Basically, I got a lot of mixed signals from him; he'd tell me he wanted to be single and have fun right now, but he still saw me as the girl for him in the future (yeah it's twisted, I know). Anyway, this stuff continued for over a year, close to a year and a half since we'd broken up, until I got to the point where I just couldn't stand it anymore. I didn't want to be his fallback girl, and I knew without meaning to I'd gotten stuck there. So I broke off contact, blocked all his screen names so I wouldn't be tempted to read them and try not to think about him...all the stuff that I guess should have happened when we broke up. A month of silence goes by...I figured he'd all but forgotten about me, and then I got an e-mail from him one day, out of the blue: "Not a whole lot, but just...I am pretty damn sure by this point you really want nothing to do with me, and I totally understand it. Not complaining since it is my fault for being a *****, an ***, and among everything else, a piece of work to you. I deserve anything you can throw at me, and will take all that comes. But I just want to apologize for everything that I have ever done to you, directly or indirectly. I hope that things are going well for you in everything that is going on in your life. I hope you are happy, and enjoying your life. Good luck with everything. I know that I shouldnt be talking to you anymore, but this is just something that I wanted to say to you today. Before I die in a bombing or anything else that may occur to me. Completely sorry, and now I will stay out of your life." That blew me away, and having gone through the whole month still thinking about him every day, I contacted him and told him I didn't hate him. We started talking for hours and he told me how sorry he was about the way he'd been treating me, and how he'd even made up a new screen name to see if I was online and how I was, since I had blocked his. The short of it is, I forgave him and we started talking again, although I was very wary at first because of how I'd been hurt in the past.

 

After we stopped talking, he had taken a new job that required him to travel around the country, and sometimes out of it. We began sending friendly and teasing/playful e-mails while he was at work, nothing serious, but possibly enough to be considered flirty. I tried really hard to keep it light, since I didn't know how to take this behavior from him because of his mixed signals in the past. The chatting continues, and he eventually has to take a trip out to NY. When he's out of state he calls me several times a day, and we have fun conversations, teasing and laughing and pretty much nonsense, the like of which haven't been around since we were dating. Also included were teasing text messages, and sometimes e-mails that would include affectionate things like "muah" or "i miss you". At this point I was still trying to take this as lightly as possible...I figured maybe he was just lonely. So we continued as we were. Recently, his job took him out of the country to England for two weeks, so we were back to very little contact (no phone calls or texts, and little hope of an e-mail, or so I thought). One day into his trip, I receive a teasing e-mail just like he would have sent me if he was home. We continue with those, until about halfway through the trip I get three in one day (within a half hour period), saying (edited cuz some of the stuff is about inside jokes and would make no sense): "I miss you i hope all is well...i miss everything we have had...and hope to have. i do want to come up and see you. will be in boston from the 13th til the 15th, and hope to have my car done then, so then i can come up after? miss you lot sweetie. muah. much love always", "hey again. maybe just thinking that things could work out...idk, sorry dont want to get your hopes up, and i know how different our life styles are though too. just a thought, but hope all is well. so whats new. is everything going ok? MUAH", and finally "just wanted to say how i wish i could cuddle up with you and fall asleep. i miss you and miss that... Well those completely threw me for a loop after how hard I had been trying to keep my feelings for him (which never really went away) in check.

 

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking things might work out too, though...we'd been getting along extremely well, better than we had in a year. I was just scared that he didn't feel the same way. So I responded and told him I'd thought about it too, but wasn't sure how he felt. Here's his response: "I really dont know how i feel about it either, but i do know that i do care about you." So I asked if there were any specific hesitations he had, and he said "Just the same still issues that I have. Also with where things will lead us both individually. Me with work, and you with graduating and what not after that. Is that so bad?...But I do promise that I want to come see you and will try to find some time. I was actually thinking to see if I do get vacation time between christmas and new years, maybe sometime during then? muah sweetheart". So I'm pretty much still in the dark at this point, but I don't want to push the issue and maybe drive him off, so I just kind of accept that that's how things will be and let him make moves on his own terms.

 

Anyway, he's been home for several days now, and it feels like things have cooled down considerably (no terms of affection or talk of relationships). He's an avid "myspacer" and I know he likes to use it to meet girls, although he hasn't had any luck with a relationship since we broke up (but he's "been out" with several girls and definitely hasn't been lacking for flirting and crushes) what is it...wow since August 2004. He went out the other night to meet a girl from myspace (which I have always had troubles being jealous of since we broke up. I've struggled a lot with feelings that I don't "measure up" to the girls down in SoCal). Anyway before he goes out to meet this girl, I finally got fed up with being patient and asked him what in the world was going on with us...did he like me again or not, because he'd been giving me that impression. He said he really didn't know, and then decided he wasn't sure about visiting me because he "didn't want to give me the wrong impression". I told him that applied only if he didn't "like" me like that, which he wasn't sure about. So he went out to meet that girl...and ended up calling me when he got home and talking for around half an hour until he fell asleep, something we used to do all the time when we were dating and had recently fell into again. And now we're back to phone calls and flirty e-mails...and apparently he's still coming to visit me, but I have no idea where I stand with him.

 

Our relationship has never been simple, except for when we were actually dating...there's always been a line between friends and dating that we've walked and never quite known what to make of each other. I never lost my feelings for him, although after all the drama I am still a little scared to trust him with my heart until I know how he feels. So I guess my main question to all of you (if anyone is still left reading) is...where do I go from here? How do I interpret his actions without my own bias of still wanting a relationship? If he is trying to decide, how do I say "pick me"? Or am I just reading way too much into things?

 

Whew, I am sorry for the long read guys. Thanks for listening though!

[LostInMyThoughts]

It sounds like this person still has feelings for you, but doesn't want to be in a long term relationship with you.

 

You now have to decide if you are okay with that, and whether you can stand around while he figures out what he wants. There is nothing you can do that says "pick me" other than to be yourself. Otherwise you'd be bartering, and thats not much of a way to start a healthy relationship.

 

In your situation, I'd move on. You can tell him how you feel, but nothing about him suggests anything you couldn't find with someone else. I know this is easier said than done, but in the end your happiness is what counts.

 

I read a lot about him dating other people; what about you? Have you been on dates outside this relationship?

[Goalie Girl]

Just one. I simply haven't been attracted to anyone. And the one date I did go on.....really sweet, cute guy who's a friend of mine, and I just felt immensely uncomfortable from the moment we walked out the door. No chemistry...I was so tense the whole night I had knots in my shoulders the next day. Not exactly a good sign.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Definitely sounds like you didn't have fun.

 

So it sounds like you're not ready to date yet, which is okay.

 

You could look at doing some outside activities to help transition your thoughts and feelings from being fixated on this person. It sounds like your still very much attached to this person. There is nothing wrong with this, but it sounds like you're not enjoying the current situation. Its up to you to change it. You can ask him directly, what his thoughts are, and let him know your feelings. I think having him give you some clarity might be good. From that you will probably have to decide if you want to wait and see if he'll come around, or start the process of "starting over."

 

From my personal experience, I can assure you that neither is much fun. This isn't much comfort now, but it does get easier and seriously the outlook is so much better! Just have to hang in there and not get too discouraged.

 

You still play hockey?

[Goalie Girl]

Nope, getting into dating again right now definitely isn't for me.

 

And you're right, I still have very strong feelings for this guy. I've done my best to keep those in check, or at least not tell him about them because I feel that's counterproductive...I want him to figure things out on his own, without the influence of my feelings hanging over his head.

 

I'm actually enjoying this new phase of our relationship a lot...we havem't fought since we started talking again, which was unheard of in the months following our breakup. With the teasing and stuff, it's staying light and fun, but I guess sometimes there are hints at something more. We still have very strong chemistry in person; but being so far apart, we never see each other, and that makes this complicated as well. But right now...we're having fun together, and that's wonderful. It just makes me wonder if it will ever lead to something more again.

 

I guess the only option I really have at this point is to "wait and see", but compared to how things have gone in the past, the future looks a little more hopeful.

 

Yes, I still play hockey, although I am taking this next quarter off to focus on school and work and maybe having more of a social life in general (it takes up a good deal of my free time).

[LostInMyThoughts]

It's one thing to let him figure things out on his own, and its another thing to express your feelings.

 

I think its important that he knows your feelings, and he considers them in his thoughts. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had no consideration for me.

 

This is different, then you actively forcing him to decide. I'm not advocating dumping your heart and soul to him; but I think its important to express your feelings. That you enjoy your new relationship, and that you feel like there is a possibility of more, and that you'd like to explore that. Yes it leaves you vunerable, but hell, you play ice hockey. I bet you're tough as nails.

 

Additionally are you glad to take a quarter off from hockey? Both work and school suck, so make sure you find time to have fun!

[Goalie Girl]

Dangit, now I don't know what to do...

 

For a while I was convinced that he liked me again, or was at least starting to, but now there's small stuff cropping up with this myspace girl (long phone calls, messages on myspace saying she's cute and fun and calling her sweetie...now he's a natural flirt, but still....GAH)...I'm betting right there is a big sign to just forget anything, am I right? And looking on myspace was a big mistake, I know. No more of that.

 

This totally sucks...I hate how the little stuff adds up and then I get my hopes up again. Why does he have to send me mixed signals like that? And why can't I be what he wants? ](*,)

 

* If that sounds stupid...it just needs to be understood that this guy is extremely special to me...there was a time when we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and I miss that immensely. I've been told, even by girls he's dated, that no one out there would be better for him than me. I want to wait for him, although I know it's hard. But I don't know if that will ever come to anything.

[Goalie Girl]

Well, after taking a step back and thinking about it for a little while (and hearing more about how he wants to ask out girls and flirts), I think I'm at the conclusion I'm always at with this guy: he likes me, but not enough anymore to say "she's the one, I want to pursue her again." There are just too many options that are far closer to him in SoCal, too many girls willing to flirt and readily available for a date, and there's nothing I can do to say I'm here, ready and available when we're in totally different halves of the state. I'm good for him and have stuck by him no matter what; I'm just not what he wants...right now, and maybe forever, who knows. There's nothing I can do about no longer being a "newer model."

 

Sigh....so I guess that leaves me a with a couple options. I can wait for him (unofficially) while just working on improving myself as a person and getting on with my life, or I can try to actively pursue him. I'm betting the second would end in disaster, but it would be nice to know everyone's thoughts before I completely trash the idea. And as for the first...is there anything I can do besides move on? Anything to say, look at what you let go; you should give it another shot? Aside from "just be yourself"...because being me is how we're in this mess.

[LostInMyThoughts]

It's not a bad idea to pursue him if you want; just be prepared if it ends up in dissaster. Like being able to handle the rejection. Improving yourself really helps in that area; the more you know and believe that you're a helluva person, the easier it is to say "pffffft, you don't know what you're missing."

 

Anything to say, look at what you let go; you should give it another shot? Aside from "just be yourself"...because being me is how we're in this mess.

 

Really there isn't much you can do to get him to see "gee what a fool I've been." Going on with your life, and doing fun things, enjoy yourself, and not giving a damn what other people think; thats how you will convince him to come back to you. Anything more and its like you're bargaining here.