Getting Older: Confused about who I am...A Phase?

[SoMuchLove]

Well now I've reached the point to where I'am about to turn 20 in about 5 days. The thing is, I am wondering if that has anything to do with me feeling a bit like a different person and has this happened to anyone else?

 

As the time I turn 20 gets closer, I feel more and more like I just want to get my life started as of going to college and getting into my carrer. The sudden urge to just establish myself as soon as possible and get out into the world. Also, I had been doing a lot of thinking before hand because I'm in a point of my life to where my social life is almost non-existant.(I don't mind because I've been waiting on this down time to clear my mind).

 

I then realized, that with a few of the friends I do have, I don't even want to associate myself with them anymore. I just don't care and I wasn't always like this. When I do talk to them, I get this feeling like I'd rather be alone and just work on my music. Kinda like I'm wasting my time with them. Not only is this feeling with my friends, but i find myself becoming more and more of a lone wolf as time goes by. I still am funny, outgoing, happy-go-lucky and cheerful to an extent, but I now feel like I'm holding on to that instead of naturally allowing myself to take on this new change.

 

It worries me because I've been the person who is always there if someone needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, or just someone to talk to. Now, I look at that and find that instead of feeling like I'm the last nice, honest, dependable and trustworthy person alive, it feels like I have just been letting them use me solely for my comfort. Like I haven't been getting anyting out of it for myself.

 

This is making me care about not caring. Mostly because I realized that when I talk to my friends, it's mostly about their problems and I get it into my head that I'm only encouraging them to think and talk about their problems even more, instead of being an escape and taking their mind off of their problems. Even when i change the subject, they go back to the problem...

 

Plus, caring for people hurts sometimes so why should I allow myself feel bad just for the sake of others? Do I care to subject myself to their unhappiness just to try and make them feel better?

 

My attitude about friends lately has been "More will come in time so why should I care if I lose these or not?"

 

I'm really getting confused about who I am now and this really sux. So to wrap it up, is this a phase I'm going through or am I un-knowingly trying to cling on to the person I think I still am instead of naturally becoming a new me?

[Mrocza]

I've been going through the EXACT same thing for the past 6 months. I've almost cut off all ties to the group of friends I've been with for the past two years...it's nothing personal but I just feel that I've evolved past them in my own way.

 

I much rather focus on my school and getting my life and state of mind in order. Partying isn't that big of a deal to me and I don't really go out as much. It's not bad, I think. I was always the social butterfly, the centre of attention...people used to come to talk to me about everything, I used to love listenining...but then I started thinking "why do I care..." and "Do I care...?" I have nothing against people stuck in their own phases, but I'm just at a transitional time in my life where I feel it's important to focus on myself.

 

Just go with the flow- do what you're comfortable with. Don't do something you don't want to do because you think you're going to let a friend down. There are more people out there...and I'm not saying ruin important relationships with others, but if you chose to care more about yourself for the time being, you're at no fault.

 

Don't be worried. Just try to organize your thoughts and figure out a goal or a game plan for whatever it is you want in life. There's nothing wrong with change...you're constantly changing. It doesn't mean you're leaving an old you behind, but rather YOU are just learning more about yourself.

[Straightwave33]

i agree with fairie16,

 

i am 22 and have been going through the same thing you are since i was probably 19. basically, you are maturing, and some people do it faster than others, such as you and not your friends. you are discovering more of who you are, that is why you are not putting yourself out to others as much by listening to their problems, etc. you are learning good bondaries, and structuring yourself well and are learning that you can't take on other people's problems.

 

as long as you are happy with this emerging 'new you' don't worry about it. and especially if you are happy with it, don't feel guilty about changing and don't listen to other people's complaints that you've changed. after high school, i became a lot calmer and matured a lot, some of my friends had trouble understanding this but they are also the ones who haven't grown up at all.

 

and as long as you aren't feeling lonely, don't worry about wanting to just chill and play music, etc. don't become too exclusive, but by the sounds of it, you don't seem to have that personality. you seem to be doing a great job at discovering yourself so keep it up!

[SoMuchLove]

Hi!

 

I want to thank you both for yours posts. Now I feel less alone in this thing and realize that I am finding out who I am instead of changing into a different person altogether.

 

You both helped me out greatly!

 

Thanks!

[eric1214]

Hey man I'm going through the same thing and feel your pain. I just turned 21 and have been feeling alone every since going to college. My mom passed away from cancer my freshman year, and the two years after that were really bad for me. But I am happily doing better now, even though I still feel the same way as before a lot, I have figured out that I can still have fun.

 

Hang in there man, and hope for the best because it will happen.

[registered]

This is making me care about not caring. Mostly because I realized that when I talk to my friends, it's mostly about their problems and I get it into my head that I'm only encouraging them to think and talk about their problems even more, instead of being an escape and taking their mind off of their problems. Even when i change the subject, they go back to the problem...

I've wondered about this too. I generally see talking as beneficial and I don't think this should be doubted - but if someone doesn't want to talk I think it's best to leave it at that.

When people talk, it is for a reason. They just want to be heard, to be related to so they don't feel so alone - you will see people (myself included) use this sight simply for this purpose more than for trying to extract advice.

I see talking as a way of releasing the pressure caused by emotion and I don't think it makes problems worse. If it makes them display more emotion they might hurt for a bit, but I think it saves them pain in the end because this emotion doesn't stay bottled up inside them.

[Confessoress]

I'm 22 and feel the same. I think this is very normal for people of our age, early 20's. Which is probably why a lot of relationships formed at this age don't last, because people change so much at this stage of life.

[SoMuchLove]

Hey man I'm going through the same thing and feel your pain. I just turned 21 and have been feeling alone every since going to college. My mom passed away from cancer my freshman year, and the two years after that were really bad for me. But I am happily doing better now, even though I still feel the same way as before a lot, I have figured out that I can still have fun.

 

It's good to know that you can hang on despite what happened. sorry to hear of your loss and I'll do my best to hang in there.

 

I see talking as a way of releasing the pressure caused by emotion and I don't think it makes problems worse. If it makes them display more emotion they might hurt for a bit, but I think it saves them pain in the end because this emotion doesn't stay bottled up inside them.

 

That is very true. In the past, I've dealt with my emotions by bottling them up inside. That act only stressed me out and caused me to feel like somthing was always bothering me when in truth, there was nothing wrong with me at all. I never had the relase of talkng about problems because may family isn't open about that kind of thing. They made me feel like I was a monster of a freak when I was angry, and when I was sad or crying, they'd call me a girl or a sissy. Thus, I still can't seem understand what I feel sometimes. To be honest, This site gives me some release and I've become more open about my feelings because I can come up with reasons to justify them. Your right though, it is much better to talk about them than to bottle them up ^_^.

 

I think this is very normal for people of our age, early 20's. Which is probably why a lot of relationships formed at this age don't last, because people change so much at this stage of life.

 

I agree with you on this. I tried to date a girl not to long ago, and she was having that probelm. I should say we because she didn't have a clue of how she wanted to handle relationships/heartache and was just confused as to who she was. I on the otherhand, was going through this identity crisis and had never experienced "Love" or put an effort to telling a girl how I felt about her. Thus, I was lost in my own emotions and myself.

[BillyJean714]

My HONEST straigforward opinion:

 

I think you are just jaded.

 

EVERYONE feels like you in someway. Everyone goes through with that feeling that you're going through.

 

Guess what? It's a part of life- it's a part of growing up. We're just all becoming more of ourselves.

 

I wouldn't say that you're becoming more and more apathetic. (I read your first post) from your first post- I can see that for whatever reasons you've been a bit tainted. It's tougher around your age Why? Because you're slowly transitioning into adulthood. Everything is thrown at you all at once. From: education, college, career, social pressures, social obligations, etc.

 

My best advice: take things slow. Really get to know yourself AGAIN. You're still that SAME person- the person who your mother gave birth to- that very SAME person with that unique personality. Yout just have to be YOU but a more and improved YOU so that you can somehow contribute to society.

 

Hope this makes sense. About your friends- we meet all sorts of people in our lives- if they come to you for advice- it means that what you think truly matters. My friends ALWAYS come to me for advice. I feel like I'm the older person in the group- I've been there, done it, and often feel as though I can't relate because they're still in "party-mode" phase- I'm not. No matter what- I realize they're my friends. So are your friends.

 

You wouldn't be you if it wasn't for your group of friends. Btw, realize that your peers do influence you more than you know. If something that they do bothers you (and if you know you're not a follower)- set a positive example to them. Eventually, they'll get your point. Choose the friends that you meet in college wisely. If you choose friends who make messed up decisions in their lives- be aware, there is a tendency for people to rub off on each other. So- really get to know your values and don't let their negative behavior change you- instead, allow your values to influence your friends in a good way.

 

So keep on being you and realize- everything that you're going through is normal. Hang in there!