What to do

[soalone]

So after a long and hard year I had finallly met someone who I was really interested in starting a relationship. We meet about 6 months ago and i really fell for this person. We went out once and things never really got started because they were seeing someone else. This was over 4 months ago and I had a hard time trying to let the idea go that we could be together because i really like them. Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. She called me out of the blue and asked if we could talk. She expressed that she had been thinking about me the whole time and wanted to know if I was still interested in hanging out. Over the next week we spent alot of time together and were really enjoying eachothers company. Each of us expressed the fact that we were amazed at how comfortable it felt to be with eachother. All along I had expressed that my feelings towards her were genuine. Recently she told me that she needs some time because she has a habit of jumping from one relationship to another to quickly and is repeating the same pattern here. Now I feel like I am back to square one. I had almost gotten her out of my head, or at least had come to terms with the fact that nothing would happen when all of a sudden she jumps back into my life. I guess I am just looking for some of you guys input. I had some good advice on here about a year ago when i was going through the worst time of my life and I am feeling like I am slipping back into the depression I experienced for so long. It's like a roller coaster ride that wont let me off even though I want off. I just don't undeerstand how or why she would put me in this postion when she knew how much I liked her. Any female advice or words would be greatly appreciated, (but guys feel free to give me input also!)

 

Thanks alot guys

[PocoDiablo]

In a word, you are inexperienced. No big deal, you just need to understand that you made so mistakes that turned her off. It's too bad, too, because she had a really high interest level in you which is a good thing.

 

Let me give you some details from what I can see. Of course, if you post more details about what the two of you did together, and specifically the things you said or did, I can point out more things.

 

We went out once and things never really got started because they were seeing someone else.

Good and bad. First, you should never date someone who is involved. This means you are a sneak and it makes her a cheat. It also shows that you do not have enough integrity to date someone who is available. Good thing it did not work out at the time.

 

She called me out of the blue

Whoa, GREAT SIGN! She's really interested in you!

 

and asked if we could talk.

Ooh, not so great but that's okay. You should have asked her on a date. Never talk on the phone, it's friendzone. Instead, use the phone as a tool to make a date.

 

She expressed that she had been thinking about me the whole time and wanted to know if I was still interested in hanging out.

I think this is great, and you should have asked her on a date from the beginning.

 

Each of us expressed the fact that we were amazed at how comfortable it felt to be with each other.

That's okay but you do that a lot less than she does. You need to be a little less up-front and make her try to figure you out a little more. Give her a reason to ask you questions and get to know you. An open book gets read and tossed.

 

All along I had expressed that my feelings towards her were genuine.

Bad. Big mistake. Probably the deal breaker. I would guess this is one of the major reasons why she started to back off.

 

Why? Well, simply because it's desperate. It's like telling her "Oh thank goodness you took pity on me because I am so unlovable and ugly and ... and .. and I will do anything you want!" It does not come from a position of strength like a man, like a leader. It comes from a position of weakness, of a follower. Women do not want some little puppy dog following them everywhere they go. They want a big protective dog to lead the way, so to speak. The leader of the pack never needs anyone else to tell them how great he is - he KNOWS. This is confidence!

 

Whether you have confidence or not, you need to at least ACT like you have confidence. You do that by not telling people your weaknesses, by not over-complimenting people, and by just relaxing and being a little less serious. Remember, this is a woman you like, not your therapist or your mother. You should not bare your soul to her. Let her learn about you slowly. See if she asks you questions about yourself (which is an indicator of her interest in you) and then make it fun by giving her teasing answers. If she really likes you, she will persist.

 

Recently she told me that she needs some time because ....

Excuse, excuse, excuse! No matter WHAT she said it was an excuse to get away from you. If she really liked you, she would have done nothing to get rid of you.

 

Now I feel like I am back to square one.

You are, but the problem is that you TRULY are at square one. You went backwards. You did not learn from this mistake. This is like learning to hit against a certain baseball pitcher, and he nailed you with the ball. Why didn't you learn to stand a little further from the plate so you would not get hit with the next pitch? Now he (she) has nailed you again.

 

The most important thing that you can do RIGHT NOW is stop and think about everything you did and her reaction to it. If you complimented her, did she spend more time with you? (Probably not.) What happened if you ignored her for a day? (Remember, you ignored her for SIX MONTHS and she suddenly came back!)

 

Women are like cats. If you chase a cat, it will run. If you try to grab a cat and force it to sit on your lap it will leave. If you pet the cat too much, it will bite you. You have over chased her and petted her too much.

 

Cats like to chase fast moving things, like a string or a mouse, or something they cannot have. If you throw yourself at a cat, is that cat going to stick around? Not a chance. You need to learn to appeal to a woman's natural sense of attraction to a man who is not trying to push himself on her.

 

I just don't undeerstand how or why she would put me in this postion when she knew how much I liked her.

It's because she knew you liked her TOO MUCH. You smothered her, basically. If she did NOT know how you felt about her, I would bet money that she'd still be around.

 

You just need to slow down, take it easy. Here's a concept for you. When you hang out with a girl you like, pretend she is like a guy friend. Would you compliment your guy friend other than to say "Hey, nice new shoes." or something like that? You sure would not say "Dude, you look sexy today!" or "You're my best friend. I hope we can be together forever! I love you!" No? Why not? Because your friend would think you were a freak? Exactly.

 

You also would not start touching your friend all over, or staring at his body. (Note: There is an exception to this and that is AFTER you've gotten your first date goodnight kiss and have later moved into being intimate, but SHE should touch you first. More or less.)

 

You would make fun of your friend, you would have a good time, you would focus on whatever it was that you were doing and have fun with it. You would just be a MAN among men.

 

Hope that helps!

[soalone]

She was actually the one who would call me everyday and want to see me. We spent almost 5 days together and were both feeling the same vibe. Even after she told me this she wanted to kiss me goodbye. I might have been to up front with her about what I told her, but it seamed like the experience was mutual. Even the morning of we had amazing sex and were close up until I went to walk her home

[PocoDiablo]

Well THAT changes things but not entirely. Look, I have to run, but I will come back and try to explain more tomorrow. Think about what I said, it still holds true in some ways.

 

Can you give us more details?

[soalone]

I don't know what else to tell you but that she genuinely looked sad about the whole situation when we last left (at least I think so). That's what I really wished I knew, if she was being honest with me or not.

[soalone]

Anyone think I could get a second chance with this one?

[ShySoul]

She is telling you everything you need to know. She's getting in touch with you, calling you, having sex with you.... she likes you. But she is also being honest when she says she thinks it is going to fast. She doesn't want to rush things and is worried that she is getting to attached to someone she doesn't know well enough. She has probably had a similar experience in the past and is worried about the same thing happening again, wants to protect herself from it. You do have a chance of getting back together, but you need to give it time. Stay in touch and be friends. Let her know you care for her and are thinking about her. Don't rush her or try to get her to be with you. It's a choice she has to make on her own. And if you give her the space and continue to show you are a caring person, her feelings for you are likely to surpass the doubts and she will be ready to try again with you.

[PocoDiablo]

She was actually the one who would call me everyday and want to see me.

That is a great sign of her interest level in you. She is thinking about you and taking the time to initiate contact. This is huge. This is how my GF and I were when we first met. This is a great sign.

 

We spent almost 5 days together and were both feeling the same vibe. Even after she told me this she wanted to kiss me goodbye. I might have been to up front with her about what I told her, but it seamed like the experience was mutual.

Not knowing exactly what you said it's hard to speak to that, but be careful about opening up too much. You don't want to dump all your emotional baggage on her. Keep things light, friendly, flirtatious and just have fun. This is probably one of the reasons why she likes being with you - because you're fun to be with and make her feel good.

 

Even the morning of we had amazing sex and were close up until I went to walk her home

Well, sure, she pulled back. But that is natural if she thinks she is going to lose you.

 

Considering she is afraid of jumping from relationship to relationship, I would just tell her something like "You know I like you, but you need to take the time to figure out what you want. I cannot promise that I will wait for you, though, because if we are apart and we are not dating I may meet another woman. So think about it and get back to me, but don't wait too long."

 

I would also tell her that you're not the type to get together, break up, get back together, wash, rinse, repeat! So if she wants to be with you, let her know she has one chance and that you have some standards on how you will be treated. So long as you are honest and up front about your expectations she can meet them - if she wants to.

 

I'd just sit back and wait at this point, and see what she does. I think she needs time to think about it and then come back to you. Be patient.

[ShySoul]

Follow your heart and do what is right for you. There is no need to come up with a step by step plan or what to say to her. Just say what you feel, let it flow naturally.

[soalone]

thanks guys...i value your advice

[ShySoul]

No problem. If you ever want more, don't hesitate to write. That's why we are here. Best of luck to you.

[soalone]

so do you guys think I should wait and let her make the next move?

[ShySoul]

Well, she's already been the one making most of the moves anyway. So odds are she is going to again.

 

Don't worry about who makes moves, just let things happen as they happen. Keep being friends like you are. Talk to her regularly. Call her up if you feel like it. You want to be close to her so that she sees you are a good guy and someone she can trust. As long as you are not being too pushy or intentionally trying to pull back from her to get her more interested, you are fine. Be her friend and be there for her when she needs it.

[soalone]

well the last time i saw her i told her i wasn't going to call her. this is when she said she needed time, so i don't want to seam like im going back on what i said i would do. i guess i should just wait and see if she contacts me..

[ShySoul]

Do you think she would object to you calling just to say hi and see how she is cause you were thinking about her? Not a long conversation, just a few minutes?

[soalone]

i don't think so, but im afraid of coming off as desperate. Ibut i am thinking about her all the time...

[ShySoul]

Desparate would be you calling her, crying and begging to see her again. I don't think that was what you were planning. Saying hi and having a short friendly chat seems like it would be ok to me, and wouldn't be desparate. It would just be a sign that you were thinking of her and is likely to be taken as sweet and nice.