Moving In Together- Need Advice

[jenny_mcs]

This isn't really about a conflict, but more about heading off a conflict. My bf and I have been together for about 2 years. We broke up for 2 months this summer and are now back together and things are going great. We have recently started talking about moving in together. We both feel very strongly that it is the direction we want to go, and we are both really excited about it.

 

I have never lived with a SO other before, and neither has my bf. I have been asking my friends for advice going into this situation, and without fail every one of them has advised that we get a "new" place (either rent or buy) so that neither of us will feel like the "guest" and so we get a fresh start.

 

I can see the logic behind that thinking, but unfortunately, it is not possible in our situation. My bf owns his place (he made a very wise investment when he was pretty young, about 5 years ago) and I rent. Also, he can walk or bike to work where he lives, and since I am a freelancer, I never know where my next job is going to be, so it makes no sense for him to move to my neck of the woods and have a terrible commute.

 

It's just not an option to buy a new place, since real estate prices in the last few years have gotten insane (we live in LA). He has a great place, and I love it, and already spend a lot of time there. I also like where I live now, but I'm willing to be the one who moves, because it's the practical thing to do, but a few of my friends are making me nervous about this, saying he will always see it as "his" place.

 

So, I guess I am looking for input about moving in together – is it better to get a new place? Anyone have any input about moving into your partner's place, or vice-versa? Thanks for any input!

[NR498E]

Whether or not you get a new place together, or move into his house is irelevant at this point.The most important thing you to need to do is come to a concensus on what your expecting.Is this move a prelude to marrige?Or is this a roomates/lovers arrangement.What I reccomend is that the two of you have a long talk about what you have in mind for the next couple of years.If you two are truly in love and marrige is a real consideration,then where you live shouldnt make any diffrence.If he loves you and truly wants to be with you,he will never make you feel like a guest.

[StarBrite]

I think andy said everything just about perfect. The biggest thing you should be worried about really isn't where you're going to live, but how you're going to live. Especially since neither of you have lived with someone else before like that. Theres alot of compromises and differences on things that have to be sorted out. For example, if you move in with him, he's going to be used to doing normal day to day things as little as what he does with his trash, that may be different from what you're used to. Household chores may be another one to think about. My BF doesn't live here per say, but, he's always buggin me about how i arrange my dishes and which trash bags i use, lol. I know it sounds stupid, but little things like that can make a difference. I agree with a talk before the move.

[lovecrazy]

It would be unfair to ask him to move into another place! Think of it kind of as you too are married, and are now making his home into "OUR" home!

 

If you pay half the bills or whatever, it is your house to!

 

The only way you would feel like a guest in his house, if he makes you feel like that!

[RayKay]

I don't think it is necessary to get a new place together right away, my boyfriend moved in with me, as it was a better apartment and locale, and also a hard-to-get one, and there have been no issues on that front! It's his place as much as mine, though we are looking at buying a house in the next year or two as an investment.

 

I think as others suggested, that part really is irrelevant as long as you both are able to make it your home together, meaning you are not made to FEEL like a guest (ie there are "house rules" imposed on you, or you are not allowed to touch anything, or have your own closet space, etc), and really that should not happen if you are both making the decision together.

 

It's definitely making sure you are on the same page in terms of WHY you are going to live together, as well as HOW.

 

The first is, well, if both of you have different goals in mind for why, it can lead to conflict and disappointment down the line. Many people move in with expectation that within a year, you should be engaged and/or married...and then they find out their partner just wants to live together forever....or some want to use it as a "test" to see their compatibility and make decisions from there. Some use it to save on rent. No thinking is "wrong" as long as BOTH of you are compatible and aware of the persons reasons.

 

Also, it's a good idea to know one anothers lifestyle so you are able to fit with one another well. If one of your ideas of quality time is going hiking, and another it's video games....you need to communicate and compromise. If one of you is a night owl, and another a early bird, if one of you a slob, another a cleaning machine....all these are things that need to be sorted out, along with issues of bills, contributions to the household, etc.

 

Anyway, have FUN! I moved in with my boyfriend about 10 months ago now, and I LOVE it.....we really do work pretty well together. There were some adjustments...I have a bad habit of leaving powerbar wrappers & kleenex in my jersey pockets after cycling and they go through wash, and he is "particular" about how the dishes need to be done, but really, it has worked very well. We are quite compatible in our lifestyles, and while there were some changes, I still do all the things I love to do, and he the same. It's really wonderful, and nice, living with someone you love, as long as you are ready for it, and your relationship is ready for it!

[OceanEyes]

What kind of a guy is he? If he's an easy-going, communicative, understanding kind of guy NOW, that's not likely to change much when you live together. On the other hand, if he displays control issues, nit-picks, or has habits that even without living together, get on your nerves, you may run into some problems.

 

The boundaries and expectations should be nice and clear before you move in together. Since we're all human, it's ridiculous to expect that everything will be perfect, and that you'll never run into any issues or problems living together. These things happen even in the best of relationships, but as long as you're compatible NOW, and can resolve things maturely NOW, that shouldn't change much.

 

Some people are really tough to live with. I've had several roommates, and I find that the biggest characteristics to RUN from are laziness, control-freakishness, and selfishness. I can tell you, that there is nothing worse than living with a person who always has an excuse for not cleaning up after themself, who hoards their stuff, or who has issues with control. Minor things now will seem monumental when you are actually living together.

 

I think you two will be fine, provided that you have an existing healthy relationship and understand what each others' expectations and needs are. If you're the type of girl who NEEDS her "quiet time" in the evenings to do her nails/ watch Sex and the City/ play online games -- whatever -- make that part of the deal. Let him know beforehand that you have needs. He'll probably have a couple of his own. Then comes the compromises and really understanding the other person. Good luck and have fun!