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is it possible to miss your fate? (good soap opera story)


SMP03
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I'm 20 years old and a senior in college. Last semester I went to study abroad in the UK. While there, I met my "first love". We met when he was helping out with the new overseas students. About a month into the semester we went out one night because my plans with my friends got ruined and he was bored. We went out to a club and in a mere few hours fell head over heals for each other. We had both just come out of rough situations (for me, the sudden death of my dad, for him-breakup with his girlfriend of 5 years). I can remember kissing him one of the first few times and him telling me "It's been a long time" which is exactly how I felt. We spent some wonderful days and nights together, just talking like we already knew each other and just wanting to be physically close to each other. I had never in my life felt so strongly for someone and I never knew it was possible to fall for someone so quickly. He told me his life was "pleasantly messed up" before I came along and that I had really caught him off guard in a good way.

 

Early on, he suddenly cut off contact with me. There was no explanation, no nothing. For a month I did not see him at all (except once on the street and he did not see me). Finally I saw him out one night and he came back to my flat to explain things. He said he still thought about me every single day but got too scared. He said I made him laugh and made him smile. He said he "couldn't lose another person he loved" (he's had a messed up family life, lost his girlfriend). I tried to tell him I was not like his ex-girlfriends and that we should just be having fun. He said he was seeing another girl but it meant nothing and he had already told her after that semester was over, that it wouldnt' go anywhere. I figured she was just "casual sex". He told me that after I go home, we should keep in contact as friends and visit each other and then when I graduate see where our lives are. I figured that meant we would spend some more time together. A few days later I saw him again and asked if he wanted to call me and he said "not right now."

 

It turns out he was still seeing this other girl. A few weeks later we were talking about us and he said he was "starting to get attached to her now". But then right after he said he didn't see her that often and that he didn't have fun with her because her religious practice forbade her from going out to clubs and bars (which he loves to do). He said he still thought about me. Of course he then said that they had slept together and right after she told him he had just taken her virginity (is that sick to anyone else). So after a long, long talk and him cancelling plans with her (he said he couldn't see her after seeing me) we started to become very close again. We spent weekends together and it was so wonderful. But the whole time I wondered if he was still seeing her. But he kept telling me all these beautiful things like how I was like a "little island of light" for him and that I was so beautiful and such a nice person. He hinted at a future together.

But then he invited me to spend my last week in his country visiting him at his home in the north. I went and it was the most joyful week of my life. We both could not stop smiling the whole time. He took me to meet his mum, introduced me to his best friends and took me to all his favourite places in his town. I remember telling him when I was leaving that I would see him in a little while and he said that he knew that. I will never forget the way he held my face in his hands and looked at me as though he was taking a mental picture of me.

After I went home we talked on the phone a few times a week and wrote emails. I sent him a letter asking what was going to happen with us and he said he wanted to get his head together because he understood how much I wanted to know what my future held. Then the emails stopped and no letter came. I called him and he said he had seen his ex to get some money back that she owed him and that's why he hadn't been in contact with me but he was glad I called and it was nice to hear my voice. He said (without my asking) that he would get my letter out to me. I sent him a card to cheer him up. I called a few weeks later just to say hello and he was so depressed, and he had nothing to say. I sent him a letter saying that I was there for him and not to worry about sending my letter about his feelings unless he felt ready. Nothing came. No casual emails like before, no nothing. My final call was two months ago. He was still not happy, but told me he had found a job and that he would sort that letter out. I told him I just needed to hear the truth. He said he had just been upset all summer because he couldn't find a decent job and kept running into his ex and that he hadn't had a chance to think about us. That was the last time I talked to him. No letter came. No casual emails. He said he had been working and was not allowed to check his email at work and did not have the chance to send any for a month. The entire time after he cut off contact with me, I drove myself crazy thinking he was still seeing that other girl (I saw her name on a forward he sent to everyone on email). I cried so much and actually went so far as to check his email to see if she had written to him. I did not read any of them but had seen he was lying to me and had been sending everyone else emails. THAT is when I knew I had to fall out of love with this guy. I know he has some type of depression and it broke my heart I couldn't help him. But I still could not stop thinking he was seeing that other girl. I blamed myself for being too pushy (sending a card and some letters?) or not being pushy enough. I then sent him a letter explaining how I drove myself crazy and everything I had felt and that I did not want to fall out of touch with him but needed to get over him romantically. I asked him to write back to tell me that he got the letter. Nothing ever came. So I will never know if he read that letter, I will never know how he felt or what he thinks of me. I wonder if we were meant to meet each other and if the reasons I still have strong feelings for him is because it was not meant to go wrong.

Do you think it is possible to miss your fate? I'm only 20 years old and am so scared i will never feel so passionately about anyone again and will compare every new relationship to him. He was the first man I opened up to sexually and was completely comfortable telling everything to.

Has anyone ever been in this situation and recovered? help me, please! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I think about him all the time. It's been 2 months. Should I send him a casual email just to say hello and see what happens?

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Hi sweets!

 

Well yes it looks as though your in a bit of a position there! Do you call again or just leave it and move on.. Your probably leaning toward contacting him again becuase you haven't resolved the issue within yourself..

 

Sure I've been in your posiiton in the past, more than once in fact.. At present theres a woman at work I like who's just broken it off with a guy and she says and indicates shes interested but as she has had bad experience I know she shouldn't and doesn't want to rush anything which in itself is understandable. Unfortunately as I know there was interest here I just want to rush her along!

 

I think the bottom line here is that we can't expect the other party to reassure us they care or value us because they have issues of their own to deal with.. And sure we'd love to help in any way and comfort them but that just impeeds there own progress and in affect they will associate these i'll feelings with our efforts..

 

I am going a lil nuts thinking about how she asked for my number on Friday and I called the very next day to see if she'd lke to do something.. But of course she never returned my call.. i know again I am rushing it, I just hope I don't scare her off which is a possibility! I ended up leaving a message but I would've been way better off sitting back and waiting for that phonecall..

 

A Guy/Girl breaks contact off for a number of reasons.. They might not be interested or they might simply not be capable of making rational desicions due to cirumstances they are currently encountering.. Thats what your situation sounds like to me.. I mean if you were in the same town still or if he wasn't having problems himself at present them i'm pretty confident you two would still be seeing each other regularly. On the other hand while he's in his current state and you aren't at easy grap he will probably go within himself somewhat becuase as much as he wants to share his woe's and fun he doesnt want to appear weak, out of control or to be able to give you the full attention you probably deserve...

 

I have a girlfriend in another state, we used to chat all the time and once we got together. however since then i've dropped the calls off a lil as I hate not being able to see her and share intimate moments with her.. She is the best on the phone but she can't supoprt the way i'd like from so far away so sometimes I just prefer to close off from her and deal with things myself.. This is not what i'd prefer ultimately but my subconscious reacts this way and I find myself neglecting her now and then for a week or two. If she was here I know we'd be together and probably well on the way to something special..

 

So here I am.. Looking over I notice Bec's not at work yet. i'd love to call her as a friend to hassel her.. Hey someone had a big weekend did they, but i'd worried she'll think i'm hassling her.. which means i probably shouldn't contact her at all.. But then i'm left with this unchecked feeling that we could have already gotten to know her and be close if i'd taken it easy in the first instance or been a little cooler.. She really did like me in the beginning.. But now I want to rush it along.. This is a big no no.!!

 

So I could ask you what I should do, ? But is it really any different..? I think not! We should both back down and concentrate on other areas of our life where we can exceed or at least meet our expectiations. When the focus comes off those we want to focus on us then usually that will happen.. Just smile and be happy to hear or see them but leave it at that.. Sorta like yeah good to see you but if your not going to pay me attention then who needs it..! Sure is a little gamish but it's the only way it'll work.. I just want that one instance to be alone with her and make her smile and just share some quality time, but if she's not ready or interested like your friend then what can you do!

 

Especially if you know they aren't good for you.. It's more of a needing to know your worth something to someone.. Believe me you are or will be there sweets. I have many woman friends but they don't fill the void or even come close to a significant other, but I just need to keep in check that I am a good person and the right person under the right circumstances will come along!!!!

 

Another side to this is that we both seem to feed off others attention. I.e. if someone pays us attention or treats us with respect then we'd do anything for them. It's a quality sorely missed and I commend you on that. It's a shame I haven't met someone like yourself, although I probably have but have been blinded by my own want's/desires and not taken the right path but more often the easy and destructive path.

 

Hope tohear from you again

 

mickxo

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Thanks for replying! It's so hard when the person has other issues to deal with that have nothing to do with you and it ruins everything. I make realizations every day about this, and possibly, I'm lucky this guy happened to me because i'm learning and growing so much from it (despite all the excruciating pain i've gone through). I guess we are meant to have a few wrong people come into our life so we will be ready when the right person comes (but why can't any of these guys work out??). I know that in a few years I'll look back on this and not feel pain or regret at all, but getting through right now is so hard.

You are right that my situation involved him not being able to make rational decisions. His best friend would tell me that he was nervous for him because he was extremely irrational.

I realized that I really loved him unconditionally. When he showed me the least bit of affection, I clung to it and justified my continued affection for him with that. And he was so messed up from his past (believe me, he's had a messed up past) and he has never moved on from any of it, that I was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember him saying to me once that if I had come into his life a year from now, things would be so different ( I wish he had never said that!). I think he was using the fact that I adored and worshipped him so much to take his pain out on someone who just happened to be standing there. He knew he could do anything to me and I would still adore him (I proved that lots of times) so he took I guess I would say his "vengeance" against his exgirlfriend out on me by "cheating" on me and knowingly making me feel awful.

I guess I'm not moving on quickly because I always wrack my brain with "what if I hadn't sent him that one letter" or "what if I hadn't called that one time". I feel like he sees me as desperate and annoying when all I was trying to do was show him that I cared. And sometimes he would appreciate it and care back and other times I felt like I was only annoying him. You said that it looks as though I'm leaning towards contacting him again because I haven't resolved this issue. Yes, it's kiling me that I'll never have closure from his side, but he has made it clear that he won't contact me. I don't want to appear desperate and crazy over him anymore. But then I'll think, well maybe I should contact him, maybe that will change things for the better.

I think I'm also mad because that semester abroad was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to me. and I missed out on so much, (travelling, meeting other people, dating other guys that showed interest in me) because I was so wrapped up in him. I'm mad at myself for risking my self respect and mental health and I'm mad at him for not being strong enough and mature enough to leave his past behind him.

But I KNOW that loving someone unconditionally is wonderful, but not if that love is not returend or it is only a "sometimes' thing.

What's also so hard is that it started out perfectly. It was like something that only happened in a movie: love at first sight on BOTH sides. it was in my hands and then it was ripped away without warning. But I have to take this as a learning experience. I'll be the strong one who learns from my mistakes and moves on. And i guess I'll pity people like him that never move on and take out their hostility on innocent people!

I'm incredibly inexperienced with love. I've had a good number of boyfriends and crushes, but nothing ever this intense. You seem to have more experience than I do. I'm thinking you're probably older than me too. Does love like that only come once, or can you fall in love this deeply again? Do you think he'll ever realize that I really wasn't pushing it overboard and may look back on me with fond memories? I'm not desperate (like it probably sounds) just trying very hard to learn from everything.

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