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I have moved back in but as a "friend"


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I need some advice.

 

I met my guy in July 2001 whilst on holiday in the States. The relationship was so "on" that I decided to leave my apartment and job back home and moved here. However, during that time, I found him to be very controlling with me and I resisted it. I insisted on one night out a week with my friend (who I visited here in the first place) and he didn't like that. He couldn't understand why I felt I needed that. The relationship was very rocky although we totally loved eachother, I have no doubt of that. I came pretty raw from a 14 year relationship (we got together when I was 16) and he treated me badly. Also, as I am from another country, there was an issue with me getting a visa here and a job which put a lot of pressure on me (and him). In the end, by sheer chance in the eleventh hour, I was offered a job and a visa and I started last May. The job seemed to cause a lot of problems. he has since said that I changed after I got it and I feel that he did. Our arguments were getting worse and worse and things were said (mainly by me) that were unforgiveable. Because of all this, I suggested we be friends. It lasted for a day and I found myself missing him terribly and I kept getting into his bed at night (to his objection) and in the end I just couldn't handle the rejection so I moved in with my friend. I was there for two months and in that time we were calling eachother and emailing eachother. He constantly said he was still in love with me and that he will never stop loving me but doesn't think he is cut out for a relationship. He says he needs his space to become a better person. I called him one night after a night out and told him I still loved him, and he said he loved me too and we mutually agreed to get back together. He told me to come round the next day and we would sort it all out. I came round and he was very charming and we ended up having sex. Straight after the sex, he changed. I left, but all on friendly terms. I got an email the next day saying he thinks we should just be friends for now and who knows what will happen in the future. I have now moved back in with him (only as friends) and it is kind of comforting that I see him everyday, and I constantly catch him looking at me. He flirts with me but still insists on this friendship thing. I know there is no-one else as I see him every night but it is so painful knowing he is down the hallway at night in his bed and I am not welcome in it. My friends tell me to move on and find someone else, but I just can't. He makes me feel like he is testing me to see if I have changed. He has even invited me to go to his Mother's with him at Xmas. Am I wasting my time here or do you think he is being truthful and needs his space? Please advise me as I am so unhappy, my heart is breaking. I want him back, I have leared the biggest lesson in my life here and even though he was no angel, I was bad to him. I never cheated but I was very arogant and living day to day.

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Offhand, I think you're doing things backwards in regards to this relationship. If you REALLY, I mean **REALLY** like/love this man, and he does you as well, why not date, but NOT live together?

 

I'd say take it a little more slowly. I think the immediate living together was a mistake, and the freedom of having separate living arrangements will take a great deal of the 'combustibility' out of the situation.

 

Have fun together, make dates, and continue on to see how/if things progress....and don't just leave it up to him to make a date with you. At the end of the day if things are going well, be an equal partner in moving things along.

 

**Warning - under no circumstances allow an 'invitation back to my place' become a sleep-over. Have a beginning and an end. Spending the night will be esentially the same as living together.

 

Once you two are able to work things out, and are more in sync with each other you can then cautiously begin planning a future together, but as independent equals.

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