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I've been comfortably bisexual for a number of years, and have enjoyed fulfilling relationships with both sexes, but currently have very deep feelings for another woman, despite having been going out with my current boyfriend for a year.

 

I've known the girl for over a year, and whilst we never had a sexual relationship, there has always been a complicated relationship between us, drunken flirtations which have led to me being very hurt in the past. To make matters worse i have a god awful crush on her, which means whilst I'm generally (vaguely!) socially competent, when i'm anywhere near here I turn into a blubbering child, a situation i generally alleviate by drinking copious amounts of alcohol. My boyfriend currently lives a long way away due to work, and despite regular visits i feel he's fading out of significance in my life. I worry that whilst I do care for him deeply, I need him more than i love him, before we started dating I was very promiscuous and drinking a lot, but he has been a very stabalising influence, and I've been a much happier person since meeting him.

 

I move in many of the same social circles as the girl, and we are also friends, but I've no idea what she wants from me, for sometimes she is very forward, but othertimes ignores me entirely. My close friends know what is happening and keep urging me to tell her how I feel rather than getting drunk and flirting with strangers in front of her, but I find it difficult to talk explicitly about how I feel with anyone, and especially in front of her. I've had some great times with my boyfriend, who my family and friends adore, and I don't want to hurt him, or anyone else. If clare were not on the scene I think I'd be perfectly happy with him. However, I currently find it difficult to think about anything else, my work is suffering and thoughts of her dominate most thoughts, aargh! Should I try and talk to her, or ignore her completely, and focus on my healthy optimistic relationship with the nicest man I've ever met?

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You raise some interesting questions. I know that in my own past while being involved in a committed relationship, there would be someone else who I would be totally and unbelievably attracted to, turning me into the same type of tongue-tied, brain-frozen klutz whenever they were nearby. They've come and gone, and from the perspective of being able to look back on them as part of the past, I realize that they were more of an infatuation, rather than any true, profound love. In the present, I think the two are very hard, if not impossible to tell apart.

 

In your case I worry about the complication of the alcohol possibly altering your judgement, and your thoughts and feelings regarding both her and your boyfriend.

 

Personally, "if it were me". I'd just keep my feelings to myself, and just be secure in the knowledge that while I've met a totally sweet, and wonderful person, I'm already in a relationship, and need to follow IT through. If in the future you and she should both find yourselves available, then by all means pursue it, but I wouldn't complicate things.

 

My two cents.

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